That gut feeling. Is she cheating?

[Will.]

My girlfriend is currently going through a lot of stress, uni work, family in hospital and a family friend also in hospital.

 

It's been over a month since we had sex, she still kisses me and cuddles up to me but that's it.

 

BUT, the other day she lied to me, my mate saw her with another bloke and when I asked her about it she said it was her mates friend and that her girl mate must of gone for the shop when he saw her? But when I rang her an hour before she told me she just went shopping. I decided to leave it at that and just believe her.... Even though my gut told me otherwise.

 

Also, she's has been really apologetic this week, saying sorry for being a bad girlfriend and that she will try harder. Tells me on the phone, she really misses me and loves etc. arranges to see me before work (I work nights) then decided to cover someone at her work instead. It's like she acts she wants me/see me but then doesn't do what she says.

 

Could someone really do the dirt while all this family stress is going on in their life? Does she feel even more guilty because of it? Hence sending and saying how much she misses and loves me? Being more affectionate?

 

I don't know whether to go with my gut or trust her and believe the stress in her life is the cause of the stress on us? I'm really lost and need opinions

[ExpatInItaly]

My girlfriend is currently going through a lot of stress, uni work, family in hospital and a family friend also in hospital.

 

It's been over a month since we had sex, she still kisses me and cuddles up to me but that's it.

 

BUT, the other day she lied to me, my mate saw her with another bloke and when I asked her about it she said it was her mates friend and that her girl mate must of gone for the shop when he saw her? But when I rang her an hour before she told me she just went shopping. I decided to leave it at that and just believe her.... Even though my gut told me otherwise.

 

Also, she's has been really apologetic this week, saying sorry for being a bad girlfriend and that she will try harder. Tells me on the phone, she really misses me and loves etc. arranges to see me before work (I work nights) then decided to cover someone at her work instead. It's like she acts she wants me/see me but then doesn't do what she says.

 

Could someone really do the dirt while all this family stress is going on in their life? Does she feel even more guilty because of it? Hence sending and saying how much she misses and loves me? Being more affectionate?

 

I don't know whether to go with my gut or trust her and believe the stress in her life is the cause of the stress on us? I'm really lost and need opinions

 

 

In short, yes. They absolutely can. I see so many posts about how a significant other is stressed/depressed/busy with work, so that must be why they're acting off. Sometimes people really are just plain not in love, cheating or checking out.

 

I am not necessarily stating that your girlfriend is cheating. But something isn't right in the relationship. Why the lack of sex? Who was this friend she supposedly went shopping with? That combined with the other factors would raise my suspicions. If I were you, and I would keep quiet for a little and see if you can find out anything more on your own. This may indeed be innocent, but it I think you're right to be uncomfortable.

[lolablue17]

Tell her that you gut tells you she is lying and that her story doesn't make sense. Ask her who that guy is - name and details.

 

find a picture of him through facebook and show the picture to your mate. he can tell if it's him or not. Very simple.

[Davey L]

Don't know if it is relevant, but I saw this kind of behaviour from my wife. Not much sex, apologising for being a poor wife for me, and occasional and extreme displays of affection for me.

If my timeline of events is right (and I don't know for sure, because she's never been open about it) this was shortly before she began a physical affair with another man.

It occurred to me afterwards that perhaps this behaviour was caused by her having mixed-up feelings in the approach to the affair.

If I'm right you might want to act quickly before an affair starts. Find out, fast, who the guy is (does she work with him, is her in her circle of friends, you need to know. Don't say anything to her, but act now. Get her away for a bit. Take her away on holiday. I don't know, but act, fast. It'll be hard to go back if she ends up in an affair with the guy, and it might be only a few days or weeks away.

I could be wrong and it would be good to see if my interpretation is borne out by others with similar experiences.

[Will.]

Hmm, had a feeling you would say this. Was hoping you wouldn't but I guess I'm just playing blind.

 

I've say her down numerous occasions to talk about the no sex and she can't explain why it has just stopped. She just says all this brings back the trauma of her mum passing away and that she might have a mental block getting close to someone while it's happening.

 

The thing is she's making a lot of effort with friends but seems to be lacking this past few weeks with us. We did go out for drinks the other day and had a really good laugh.

 

I can track her gps wise but I'd rather not, as this same situation happened with my ex. It's a massive Dejavu and in the end I found out she was chasing but my current girlfriend is nothing like her.

 

Jeez, I'm just making excuses for her aren't I? Ive ask to see her for lunch, currently waiting on reply... Bet my cotton socks she's got plans and is busy!

 

 

Oh and forgot to say. When I finally lost my cool beans to her day with all this I asked her, "do you really want this, because if not I will walk and stop being the burden I feel I am to you" she said "no, I want you and I want us and we can work through it, if I didn't want you Will I would tell you, life is too short and I need you more now then ever, I love you, you're amazing" :/

Edited May 5, 2014 by Will.
Forgot a recent convo we had

[Will.]

Update on the text reply, she said, "yeah of course, would be nice xxx"

 

So with that, I'm going to keep my cool, act confident, be flirty as I am and try and enjoy the lunch and see if I can read her body language. I will update here what happened.

 

Prob come back saying it's all over

[Davey L]

OK it's all a bit ambiguous. But if you think she might be tempted elsewhere, and it's not too late she hasn't let it get too far, then act, fast. If she's getting something from him, for example, some support at a stressful time, then make sure she gets that support from you. And find out who this guy is (without asking her) arrange things so that she doesn't get to see much of him for a bit.

 

 

I'm just worried that she isn't yet having an affair but might be headed that way - her behaviour reminds me of my wife before she started an affair. I wish I'd seen it coming and headed it off before it had gone too far.

[Will.]

That's just how I see it. I get the feeling someone has come into the picture, she likes them and is in a limbo and can't decide if taking the risk will be worth it or end up loosing everything.

 

If, and I say if, she is cheating I will not be mad. I will only be ashamed of what she's done. Not by cheating but doing this while such sad drama is happening in her life. I cannot even imagine regardless of the temptation out there to do such a thing while my family is ill or struggling.

 

But anyway. I will do what you say. I will be forward with suggestions to do things together, see how she responds.

[BetrayedH]

Track her phone.

[Chi townD]

Ummm....there are red flags. Not too sure if she's cheating, but someone else is definitely sniffing around.

 

The best thing you can do is act clueless as ever. Like, you don't have a care in the world and all is right in the universe. The more she thinks she's pulling the wool over your eyes, the more relaxed she's going to get. And THAT'S when she's going to make a mistake. Gather evidence. But, DO NOT approach her with weak evidence. She can easily explain it away and she'll learn to hide it better. She'll always be on her guard.

 

Go with Lola's idea and print out a screen shot of this guys Facebook page and bring it to the friend and see if he actually knows the guy, or if that was the guy that was with her.

 

To me, it sounds like this guy is sniffing around and your girlfriend is testing the waters to see if it's worth giving this guy a shot. She won't jump ship until she's absolutely sure.

[Will.]

Well we just had lunch, lasted about 3 hours, awful service! The first thing she did when she saw me was hug me and kiss me, when we was driving we was chatting well and having a laugh.

 

She then picked up my phone because her network was poor and started going on it. I of course didn't flinch and let her go onto google, she started looking at puppies... Yes those little things that are like hairy babies. She picked out a dachshund and said how cute are they. THEN, she randomly come out and said, shall we get one, I was like, wow big commitment babe (as a joke) and she said yeah but I think it would be cute if we get a dog.

 

By now I'm thinking, wtf? Am I going insane, she wants a dog with me, that's like a baby minus the hard work.

 

She then went onto my messages, she found a message from a girl I use to see who asked to meet up, my reply was a simple F off! She went mad and said why did I even reply? Why didn't I just ignore but I told her I had to make it clear to her otherwise she could reply more. By this time the steam was really coming out thick out her ears. She started to get tears in her eyes saying how can we trust each other if you can't just ignore someone. I understood where she was coming from an I apologised.

 

I then, and I say this with my head down low, got emotional and started to break. I said I'm so confused this is so hard for me and she looked me strait in the face and said, I have to trust her while, she outed her heart out telling me how much I mean to her, how she want to move forward, how she wants a "sausage" dog and for us to be happy and trust one another. We left on good terms and having a proper smooch and a cuddle.

 

She showed me a message to her friend which showed she went to this house with her and the boy was just her mate. They just had to sign papers or some other jibba jabba.

 

This has really made me think. Maybe I am actually going insane and I said this to which she said I know it must be hard for you as well but you're dealing with it better then me.

 

I'm a bit lost what to do now, do I start to buck my ideas up and stop being paranoid or continue to think my gut is right. What a whammy

[Chi townD]

Nope! You're not going insane. In fact! That post was very telling to me. She went through your phone to get some dirt on you. So, she didn't have to feel so guilty about what she was doing. I mean, how did she get from looking at dogs to going through your email? Because she was looking for something to ease her own guilt. And she found it.

 

You were screwed either way you look at it with that email from the Ex (or that girl that was trying to hook up with you). You wrote to her and told her to f*ck off. So, your girl went off on you for not ignoring her. However, if she saw that email and you ignored her, she would have asked why the hell haven't you told her to f*ck off and that you were in a relationship already. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

Point is, she got what she was looking for and that was to ease her guilt. "Okay, look at this, he's not being honest with me and he has girls contacting him all the time, therefore, I shouldn't feel guilt about what happened with me. Now, we can try to heal things with a clean slate." But, I'll bet you dollars to donuts if you asked to see her phone, there would be no way in hell she would have let you see it without screening through it first!

[tom670]

Yeah she was easing her guilt and gaslighting you. How about her phone is it password protected? You probably should have said you are right I have to find someone trustworthy.

[Zahara]

It's called gaslighting.

[Will.]

Well actually, on the drive there she was texting to which she didn't hide or move the phone at an angle so I couldn't see. She was openly using it in front of me. She left it facing upwards on my dash also. When we had this heated argument I actually said ok, I'll look at yours and the messages she sent where the recent ones from the time she was texting. She didn't flinch once bit when I went for it and allowed me too. I know her password and she knows I do too and it hasn't changed. She's not being sneaky with it.

 

The way I see it. She's a strong woman with a brave face. at this time she didn't hide anything from me or panic or stop me, she was very very direct with her attitude towards our relationship in a positive way.

 

This could well ease her guilt, or maybe worsen it now purely because my attitude towards another go showed I only have eyes for her and has made her think.

 

I must say she admitted when I first met her that she has trust issues. I'm cool with this hence I don't mind if my girl goes in my phone. I have nothing to hide. I know some people say your phone is one of your only private things you have but to me it doesn't bother me. It's just a phone and if it gives her peace of mind then that's ok.

[Chi townD]

Well actually, on the drive there she was texting to which she didn't hide or move the phone at an angle so I couldn't see. She was openly using it in front of me. She left it facing upwards on my dash also. When we had this heated argument I actually said ok, I'll look at yours and the messages she sent where the recent ones from the time she was texting. She didn't flinch once bit when I went for it and allowed me too. I know her password and she knows I do too and it hasn't changed. She's not being sneaky with it.

 

 

Well, you could have told us that in your last post!!

[beach]

All seems well then!

[Will.]

I should of yes, sorry. Was rushing towards work but coming from that post does it still look dodgy?

 

Even if she deleted messages there is still the chance that they can text while I have the phone so in essence she would be panicky right?

[Chi townD]

Well, in this situation I would trust but verify. Keep our insecurities to yourself and trust until you see anything else that tells you otherwise.

 

Keep on acting like you don't have a care in the world, but keep your eyes open. Do not question, but be observant. And if she's serious about working on things, then perhaps you could suggest couples counseling.

[Will.]

I'm going to take your advice, mainly because it's positive and I'd rather follow that route then drive myself bonkers with my negative attitude and insecurities.

 

Most replies can become negative on here mainly because the other half cannot put her side across, so it will always sway as looking bad on them.

 

If after all this it's not true and she really is struggling stress wise then I have a jem of partner, who's strong enough to hold her head up high when things get tough.

[Chi townD]

People aren't trying to be negative. If they think you're getting cheated on, then they want you to open your eyes and look outside the box. Because, cheating hurts. A lot of us have been there and they (myself included) would rather have you not go through what we did.

 

 

This is actually a really good site and people will be here to help or to listen when you want to vent. BUT!!! You have to give your full story. See how my comments changed when I got the whole picture on what happened in the car? Like night and day.

 

 

So, don't give up on us. You might walk away with some pretty good advice you can apply to your life.

[Will.]

I didn't mean to put it across that way. I fully understand that the intention is to open ones eyes and I fully appreciate that

[Davey L]

Does sound suspicious.

Pick up her phone and look at it if she leaves it lying around. See how she reacts when she sees you with it.

[iiiii]

Don't get a sausage dog.

 

25% of them end up getting intervertebral disc disease at some point in their life, and that often requires really expensive surgery to fix (I'm talking thousands of dollars).

 

If you must get a dachshund, get pet insurance.

 

Oh yeah, and I think give your girl the benefit of the doubt, ONCE. You have no clear proof she's cheating, and you could ruin a perfectly great relationship by acting suspiciously.

[crederer]

I'm not gunna lie. She is acting almost identical to how my ex did right before I found out she was messing around.

 

keep your guard up, most of your posts sound to me like you're in denial, as well (you seem to be defending a lot of her actions).