What Do You Settle For

[Leigh 87]

How many of you prefer to stay single unless you find someone who is essentially that "once in a lifetime" type of love, or "the one" as some people infer?

 

Does anyone else, besides me, opt out of the normal, low passion relationships and strive to have it all? Intense passion from day one WITH a person who is also your best friend? I have come to learn I don't want a bug pay check, good looks or anything of the sort. I just want instant and intense passion, mutually, along with a wonderful person... where we both respect and admire one another as people and have similar values.

 

I have been an only child of parents who have lived overseas from when I was still a child. I have a huge capacity to love friends/family and animals and to fall in love romantically, YET I just don't see what is bad about staying single for years, since I have learnt to live happily alone without my parents in the same country from age 9 or 10?

 

I miss my bf like crazy but I have done long distance with relationships before and can manage without him, where as my best friend cries if she finds out she has to spend a week away from her sweetheart:lmao:

 

Before I met my current partner I felt t would be most ideal and positive for me to meet my needs via being single. I am happier single than I am partnered with a guy that I don't feel is the rare : love of your life. I realise that most people prefer the style of love where they don't start out smitten or that into a person but rather "grow" to love them deeply through mutual respect and affection. I do realise I am an anomaly. Lolz, I would honestly rather be single for life then settle for a relationship that lacks; instant electric chemistry, the feeling of being " best friends" who also happen to feel passionate about each other in a romantic way.

 

Short of those things, being "best friends" with a person you're crazy about, I would soooooo much rather remain single for the rest of my days.

 

Is it weird that I don't feel it's even a bad thing to be alone for life than settle for a love that I know is LESS that what is POSSIBLE? I have heard a man say that since he met "that girl", he has never felt that way about another. Not since before or after meeting her. I want to be "that girl" to the man I end up with.

 

I am asking for how other people view love and relationship and their search for the right person. I am NOT welcoming criticism of my own view, thankyou, as I am very happy and comfortable with how I feel about my own love life. This thread is because I want to hear about how YOU view love and relationships, and whether or not YOU hold out for that once in a lifetime one, or if you're need to have a family supersedes finding intense passion AND a loyal companion in one package?

[AdrianCrawley]

Most girls dream about what you dream.

 

I don't view any relationships.

[Eggplant]

I am like you. I am introverted, and am very happy single. I do yearn for the chemistry, and what you furthermore have to consider is that by settling for a relationship without it, you are not only not getting it, but agreeing to never have it again. I don't think chemistry is even remotely hard to find. It mostly has to do with your own brain, anyway. The guy/girl for whom you feel it often was in the right place at the right time.

[Leigh 87]

Most girls dream about what you dream.

 

I don't view any relationships.

 

 

Most girls would like it but they think it is foolish to wait around to experience something that very few people ever find.

 

They end up preferring a man who has a superior intellectual connection with them and who they find utterly fascinating; if they both share similar values then this sort of "love" is bliss for them. They don't think there love is any less because it lacks chemistry and passion. Their love is not any less than the Romeo and Juliet style of love.

[Leigh 87]

I am like you. I am introverted, and am very happy single. I do yearn for the chemistry, and what you furthermore have to consider is that by settling for a relationship without it, you are not only not getting it, but agreeing to never have it again. I don't think chemistry is even remotely hard to find. It mostly has to do with your own brain, anyway. The guy/girl for whom you feel it often was in the right place at the right time.

 

 

I agree I have felt what I believe to be mutual chemistry with a few guys. 4 since my break up one year ago, to be exact. One guy I couldn't stop kissing, the other guy and I had off the charts chemistry and after talking to a guy for an hour or less I had strong chemistry towards him.

 

Then I met my bf. I am giving the relationship a go because we had the strong sexual chemistry, mutual attraction (we look similar, same eyes and colourings and therefore out attraction is quiet intense). I am giving it a shot because I feel like we can be best friends in addition to our great chemistry. He feels passionately about me. Is it THAT rare? I mean, that out of world "omg they are the one" type of love comes about more readily than people are made to believe!

 

All it is, is essentially; very strong and intense chemistry, passion and the ability to be like best friends who love, admire and respect each other.

 

It sounds so easy yet is so elusive to the vast majority of folks I know.

 

My question to myself is: is it down to the fact it is NOT important for most people, to have insane chemistry, the it factor and the Romeo and Juliet style of love?

Is the fact I believe it to be important to ME to the point where I would happily remain single for years to come, mean it wont be as elusive to me, because it is important to me and I am willing to wait a lot longer to seek that "kind" of love?

[Woggle]

Being in love is certainly important to me but I have never been the one to have a relationship based on a fantasy. Romeo and Juliet killed themselves so I wouldn't want to model myself after them.

[Els]

I have never dated men with whom I didn't truly believe (at that time) that we had everything. Obviously, my beliefs were sometimes flawed (due to not knowing myself well, perhaps, or being naive), as clearly the two exes that I've been with, were not 'the one'. But at that time, I thought they were.

 

I had my first date at the age of 19. I could have had, from the age of 16, a guy who was quite into me, but I felt nothing for him. I knew it wouldn't work out, so I would rather have stayed perpetually single, than be with him.

 

On the other hand, I'm not a fan of 'instant chemistry' either. To me, there is no harm in love/attraction that takes time to grow and develop, as long as you are truly in love when you are with the person. The speed is not an issue. I don't think I've ever been attracted to a man without having heard him speak for a while, at least.

[Leigh 87]

Being in love is certainly important to me but I have never been the one to have a relationship based on a fantasy. Romeo and Juliet killed themselves so I wouldn't want to model myself after them.

 

 

I will give you a few real life examples of that Romeo, Juliet love MINUS the killing themselves if they cannot be together.

 

- my friends b4 slept with hot women every weekend and had no desire for a relationship

 

- the MINUTE he met my friend he felt "something" special, and intense chemistry that was unlike the chemistry he had with prior partners (he slept with well over 40 women)

 

- they had intense chemistry and ended up as best friends with similar values.

 

- he had never felt that way about a girl before, after having one long term R where he proposed, and having bedded many women.

 

- he cannot imagine feeling more passionate or as passionately about any other women again; if they were forced apart my death or betrayal from HER side, he would likely find someone like her again but I am certain it would not be for a very long time, we are talking many, many years before he found a girl he felt AS strongly about.

[jonsnuh]

Could never do a LDR. There are different stages in my life and personally since I am still growing, I can't stay complacent.

 

My relationship with my ex was over 6 years. 6 years too long as a commited couple.

[Leigh 87]

I have never dated men with whom I didn't truly believe (at that time) that we had everything. Obviously, my beliefs were sometimes flawed (due to not knowing myself well, perhaps, or being naive), as clearly the two exes that I've been with, were not 'the one'. But at that time, I thought they were.

 

I had my first date at the age of 19. I could have had, from the age of 16, a guy who was quite into me, but I felt nothing for him. I knew it wouldn't work out, so I would rather have stayed perpetually single, than be with him.

 

On the other hand, I'm not a fan of 'instant chemistry' either. To me, there is no harm in love/attraction that takes time to grow and develop, as long as you are truly in love when you are with the person. The speed is not an issue. I don't think I've ever been attracted to a man without having heard him speak for a while, at least.

 

 

 

 

Did you and your partner feel an instant spark?

 

Did you feel something special towards each other that you hadn't felt often or at all with others?

 

Were you super into each other or lukewarm to begin with? Or were you a HUGE fan of each other in terms of both really liking what you saw in terms of your character, SANSE the excitement?

 

DID you feel excited about dating? Did it take time for excitement to kick in?

 

Thanks in advance if you get around to answering:D

[skydiveaddict]

How many of you prefer to stay single unless you find someone who is essentially that "once in a lifetime" type of love, or "the one" as some people infer?

 

 

Me for sure.

[Els]

Did you and your partner feel an instant spark?

 

I suppose it depends on what you mean by 'instant'. As I said, I have to get to know someone a bit before I feel even initial attraction towards them (let alone love), so I'll go with 'no'.

 

Did you feel something special towards each other that you hadn't felt often or at all with others?

 

Oh, absolutely, it just wasn't 'instant'.

 

Were you super into each other

 

Very much so once things kicked off. I think that sums up my answer to the rest of the questions.

[Leigh 87]

I didn't have chemistry with a guy who was very much into me and who was wonderful, treated me well and had a high income. He was everything a girl wants, he was totally crazy about me unlike other girls prior to me he had been with, and he had dated some real hotties.

 

He was CRAZY about me at the time. He was such a fun person to be around, everything I looked for in a partner. Did I also mention he had money and didn't wans children, much like me?

 

Well I could have developed chemistry and sexual desire for him but I started with none and I didn't like the fact I didn't feel driven to kiss him or make love to him. I just.... realised that I strongly prefer to naturally want to jump a guys bones. I didn't want to have to remain with him for months before I even "felt" like sex with him. But for many women they would have spotted the fact that he was an ideal partner, and not cared about lack of chemistry or romantic sparks from their end (not from his end!)

 

Current guy would prefer kids, is on bellow the minimum yearly wage and could be really annoying but I fell head over heals for him and wanted to rip his clothes off from day one.

 

I could have had a financially secure life with a man who didn't want kids who would have taken care of me, and who I loved being around every day. IF I had waited a few months before I grew to slowly enjoy the thought of sex with him... to "grow" to be passionate. I would have, for sure.

 

Instead, I didn't hesitate for a second when it came to choosing passion with a poor man who treated me really well and adored me. And who would prefer kids on our future low incomes. I will love life but boy will it suck at times with kids and living in poverty.

 

As you can see, I picked the passionate love and a life of poverty (yes I Will have a degree and a professional job but most jobs are medium wages and he has a low income), over a comfortable life with no children.

 

Logically I can see I picked the wrong thing in that I could have had the life I wanted, with a guy I simply had to spend a long time "growing" passionate for in a sexual manner. Instead, I opted to become the working poor due to his low income and my likely average at best wage. But at least I come home to a guy I am passionate about and don't/won't likely ever have issues where we have to spend THAT much effort re igniting the spark when we are old and fat. And ugly.

 

I debilitated for months. I thought " well, any life with my bf is joyful, even if he remains low income. He wont ever be able to look after me financially if I fall ill, does that scare me enough?

 

In the end though it came down to the fact I feel such immense joy by simply being with him that it is as clear as day that it makes my far happier than a financial stable husband would whom I lacked romantic passion for.

[gaius]

I don't know if it has to be once in a lifetime kind of thing, but yeah, I normally wouldn't waste a lot of time seriously pursuing someone I didn't seriously click with no matter how long I've been single. I do try to always at least keep one or two women around to flirt/ fight with when the urge hits me. They fall by the wayside when I start dating someone though.

[Valen]

Leigh 87. I am very much like you in this regards. I'm always searching for that once in the lifetime love. I never see myself as settling for less type of guy. That's why I am in my late 30s and all my friends have settle down. Unlike most people, I am fine being single. It has it's own advantages that makes life simple and fun. But I would love to have a best-friend/love who I can adore and who adores me in return. I know my life would be much happier and more fun if I have someone to share the good times with. But I know if I just settle for less for the sake of not being alone, the relationship will eventually die out anyways. It would not be fair for the both of us. I'm also realistic that that kind of lifetime love is not going to happen to everyone. You have to be lucky to be in the right place at the right time to meet that person. Some people will go through life never encountering such a person. That's just the harsh reality.

 

Unfortunately, I think I have had my chance for that type of love. I met a girl like that once, she instantly adore me the moment she met me and even gave me her number without me asking. She was one of the most beautiful girl I have ever met. She gave me a kiss on new years eve. I couldn't believe my luck. But unfortunately life had decided other things for me. I had to move away 3 weeks later. I spent a brief moment with her and told her I had to move because of family. She was sad. I was heartbroken. We had our last conservation while I was waiting for my plane. Years later, I reconnect with her online and found out she's married.

 

I guess it wasn't meant to be. I can't go back in time. I must move forward. I will not settle unless I meet another amazing girl again. Will lightning strike me twice? Highly doubt it. That's why I have accepted it might not happen again and I'll just focus on being happy single.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh 87. I am very much like you in this regards. I'm always searching for that once in the lifetime love. I never see myself as settling for less type of guy. That's why I am in my late 30s and all my friends have settle down. Unlike most people, I am fine being single. It has it's own advantages that makes life simple and fun. But I would love to have a best-friend/love who I can adore and who adores me in return. I know my life would be much happier and more fun if I have someone to share the good times with. But I know if I just settle for less for the sake of not being alone, the relationship will eventually die out anyways. It would not be fair for the both of us. I'm also realistic that that kind of lifetime love is not going to happen to everyone. You have to be lucky to be in the right place at the right time to meet that person. Some people will go through life never encountering such a person. That's just the harsh reality.

 

Unfortunately, I think I have had my chance for that type of love. I met a girl like that once, she instantly adore me the moment she met me and even gave me her number without me asking. She was one of the most beautiful girl I have ever met. She gave me a kiss on new years eve. I couldn't believe my luck. But unfortunately life had decided other things for me. I had to move away 3 weeks later. I spent a brief moment with her and told her I had to move because of family. She was sad. I was heartbroken. We had our last conservation while I was waiting for my plane. Years later, I reconnect with her online and found out she's married.

 

I guess it wasn't meant to be. I can't go back in time. I must move forward. I will not settle unless I meet another amazing girl again. Will lightning strike me twice? Highly doubt it. That's why I have accepted it might not happen again and I'll just focus on being happy single.

 

 

 

 

I feel like if it doesn't work out with my bf, I won't find that sort of intense chemistry combined with a best friend combination, again.

 

I would either have to find a man as wonderful as him who I just wouldn't feel the spark for but rather grow to be into romantically, or remain alone.

 

Or have a series of short lived flings with players and @ssholes who I have that chemistry with but, you know how it goes.....

 

Thanks so much for sharing. And it is not too late! You have resigned yourself to the single life which in my opinion, makes you far more attractive than those who are not okay with being single and are desperately seeking out a partner.

 

Because you are resigned to your fate, I believe that will draw in that right person eventually even if it when you are 60:lmao:

 

People divorce! You will just have to wait for the second or third round of divorcees who once meeting you, will KNOW you are "it" for them, due to a lifetime of experience:D

[Valen]

I feel like if it doesn't work out with my bf, I won't find that sort of intense chemistry combined with a best friend combination, again.

 

I would either have to find a man as wonderful as him who I just wouldn't feel the spark for but rather grow to be into romantically, or remain alone.

 

Or have a series of short lived flings with players and @ssholes who I have that chemistry with but, you know how it goes.....

 

Thanks so much for sharing. And it is not too late! You have resigned yourself to the single life which in my opinion, makes you far more attractive than those who are not okay with being single and are desperately seeking out a partner.

 

Because you are resigned to your fate, I believe that will draw in that right person eventually even if it when you are 60:lmao:

 

People divorce! You will just have to wait for the second or third round of divorcees who once meeting you, will KNOW you are "it" for them, due to a lifetime of experience:D

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I don't know about meeting someone past 60. I might not live that long But honestly, I think by the time I am 60, I won't be thinking about relationship at all, I'll focus on my bucket list and do it before my life is over. I think relationship is best when you are at ur early to mid life. You got the energy and passion to embrace the relationship. But over 60, the thought of two seniors doing it is a little gross.

[salparadise]

I think relationship is best when you are at ur early to mid life. You got the energy and passion to embrace the relationship. But over 60, the thought of two seniors doing it is a little gross.

 

More evidence that youth is wasted on the young.

[Valen]

More evidence that youth is wasted on the young.

 

I couldn't agree more.

[Leigh 87]

oh, I think absolutely you can find love at any age. Sure, it isn't all lust driven and to do with chemistry AS much, but you can still get chemistry later in life, true chemistry is down to .. well, the way we are made and how it interacts with others of the opposite sex. Who is to say you cannot "feel it" for a person who is "older" and " not hot anymore"

 

:lmao:

 

Moreover, plenty of young people are unfortunate looking and they still manage to find chemistry with people. Who would have thought Gorge Clooney would find "the one" with a woman who looks nothing like his usual models? Chemistry is ever present at any age and among people who are not physically attractive to many people... you can feel stronger chemistry for people who you were LESS attracted to yet you just "felt" more for.

 

Chemistry and attraction don't have much of a correlation for me besides needing to not be repulsed. I have found people to be physical attractive and lacked chemistry for them. I have then gone on to feel intense chemistry with people I find LESS physically desirable. This is why I believe as long as people live a life where they respect themselves and others and are kind, decent people, they strive for a career and can support themselves, why NOT think you can attract a person whom you have chemistry? Who will then think you are so great they will want to be with you long term?

 

Some people sadly, lack the ability to have this "chemistry" and pulling power. I know a guy from this website as a matter of fact who, for whatever reason, doesn't get women to feel chemistry towards him the way other men who are less honourable than he is may do. He is fine looking, cute actually, and I really like him. We chat on facebook.

 

My model friend is in the same boat. She lacks that "something" about her that ignites a spark, that make men want to take note and date her seriously..... Then my friend and I, another friend this time, seem to generate chemistry with men fairly easily. We aren't ugly to most and have plenty of guys attracted to us but I am no model either, so.... Chemistry folks. Since better people than myself lack the ability to generate it.

 

Many guys have felt strongly drawn to me initially (whether they stick around or NOT is not the question:lmao:) but I have a high rate of generating the initial spark... Guys tell me it is because I am "different" to other girls and stand out and they "have to" get to know me. These are obviously guys who are somewhat attracted. But I am no model so it is more to do with the fact a high incidence of guys are drawn to me because I am "different".

 

My energy and chemistry always gets my prospects where as better looking more intelligent folks go without the dates and great loves because they can't seem to generate this "thing"

 

People I notice who found "the one" and who were totally smitten from date one and got the passion AND the "best friend" out of the relationship which lasted......... They also had a similar thing I seem to have going, they drew people I despite not being the most attractive person out there....

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Valen]

 

Some people sadly, lack the ability to have this "chemistry" and pulling power.

 

My model friend is in the same boat. She lacks that "something" about her that ignites a spark, that make men want to take note and date her seriously.....

 

My energy and chemistry always gets my prospects where as better looking more intelligent folks go without the dates and great loves because they can't seem to generate this "thing"

 

 

I'm thinking I'm one of these people too. I can't generate that spark or "thing".

 

I guess maybe when I'm in my 60+, they will invent a chip to plant into your brain and you can download off the internet the awesome personalities that can generate the "thing" sorta like the matrix. I see, is that why you suggested I wait til 60. I gotcha.

[preraph]

I'm much older, Leigh, and have always been like you. And I have remained single. I think one thing you do have to realize is that it can start off perfect, but nothing remains perfect. Also, you can deeply love someone and not be able to live with them -- maybe he's a day person/you're a night person; maybe he won't lift a finger around the house; maybe you don't want to work but he doesn't make enough to support you or vice versa; maybe you just get on each other's nerves if you see each other 24/7. One of the guys I loved was a musician who rarely had money and wasn't responsible, but I loved being around him. He was no good if my car broke down -- it was always me taking care of him. I knew he certainly wasn't marriage material at least at that time (he did later marry and did well on the domestic front and had work but became an alcoholic).

 

Another guy I loved was very domestic, way more than me, and I didn't want kids and he did and wanted the whole domestic thing. My focus was my exciting career (he had the same career but being a man was able to find a woman to stay home and do everything where I'd have had to juggle it all). I didn't care for some of his friends, who I found too domestic, traditional, and boring, and I believe one of them influenced him to leave me and find someone to have kids with.

 

To me, the passion is the best part. For a few lucky people, they can keep that going, but the truth is domesticity just doesn't stay sexy forever and especially after kids when you can't focus on one another.

 

I have NO regrets. When young, I would go do adventurous things by myself out in the country, was always mobile even as a child. I remember my parents let me take the boat by myself as a teen out on the lake, and going by myself to eat breakfast at a dockside cafe. I eat out alone quite often and it doesn't bother me in the least.

 

I could never "settle." I see no reason to compromise and be miserable with a man you aren't attracted to for whatever reason, but I know women who want kids and a provider bad enough to do it, and the ones I know are miserable, too.

[AdrianCrawley]

Whenever I hear someone talking about chemistry I feel amused. People find all sorts of names for it, I just call it attraction.

[Teraskas]

I know a guy from this website as a matter of fact who, for whatever reason, doesn't get women to feel chemistry towards him the way other men who are less honourable than he is may do. He is fine looking, cute actually, and I really like him. We chat on facebook.

 

*Waves and whistles innocently*

I appreciate the sentiment.

[Valen]

*Waves and whistles innocently*

I appreciate the sentiment.

 

You have my respect.