What Do You Settle For

[kodakgirl]

I want the really really special kind of relationship, or singleness. I don't feel that requires fireworks from the moment we see each other, but I think there usually is some kind of special 'click' from the start.... though what do I know, the time I thought it was happening for me he called if off within two months for no apparent reason.

 

I don't really think I'm going to find it, honestly, but the thought of a relationship--even a nice, stable, caring relationship--that isn't something extra special makes me feel trapped. That feeling only goes away when I've meet someone who blows me away, which is exceptionally rare for me. So, well. Cats!

[MissBee]

I think searching for "instant" chemistry is misleading.

 

I've had it more than once and those relationships for me lacked in many ways. The chemistry was instant and crazy and not sustainable.

 

I then realized that the whole instant chemistry and intensity thing is overrated and definitely the stuff movies are made of.

 

I don't date people I'm not attracted to. Period. However, having dated enough and having had a broken heart enough and then looking for "love examples" in real couples I actually respect, I found that what I looked for before wasn't really what I needed, i.e. intense chemistry, but instant chemistry is not the end all be all. There is actually a great article I read about the dangers of instant chemistry and chasing that type of feeling, which is really brilliant and made a lot of sense.

 

With my current bf I wasn't instantly attracted to him physically online but our conversation and his profile had a lot of the important things I wanted so I prioritized that fortunately, when we met in person I was A LOT more attracted to him and he is way more handsome in real life than in pictures. As I get to know him, it's exciting as the more I learn and see and feel the more that passion grows as well as other important values. I can feel that this is just a lot more reasonable, sustainable and had possibility to be anchored for a long time versus all my other head over heels instant connection blah blahs that ALL crashed and burned. With him, we did move fast in some ways but it wasn't the same type of intensity and head over heels instant feeling, but everyday I get more and more excited because I feel us growing in a sustainable way. I am excited about us and get butterflies when I see him but it wasn't the stuff of the instant romance which for me always had an undercurrent of anxiety and drama.

 

I do not think you either have "instant chemistry" OR you're settling. The two aren't the same. Settling is also about your values and what matters most to you in your relationships. I was sold the lie that unless it was instant chemistry and intense it was not love...not true! Again, I also decided to look for examples in real people whose relationships I admire, one of whom is my aunt who she and her husband are as in love and coupley as ever, inspite of a 15 year marriage, kids, family deaths, illnesses etc. For her, it wasn't instant either. With her first husband, who is clearly now her ex, it was instant though.

 

Settling is always feeling like you're missing out or knowing you are putting aside things you need to be with someone just cause, IMO. I would never do that. But reevaluating what should take priority and adjusting that isn't settling. For me, I tested it and life showed me that prioritizing instant attraction or thinking that that is real love or the only way to love wasn't true and just led to short-lived whirlwind romances that crashed for me. I didn't want to be insane, i.e. doing the SAME thing over and over and expecting something different, so I decided to do something different, look at my more important values FIRST and not just aim for instant love like it's microwave popcorn, and it seems to be working a lot better for me. The main difference too is that as I and my bf grow I have time to see a lot of things and appreciate the good and see where we need to work on things whereas with my Mr. Instant Connections it was like a tornado where I was blind to a lot of things and just living off the feelings and intensity without an anchor.

 

I think "love of a lifetime" doesn't need to be instant and from what I have experienced and also have seen....many of these love of a lifetime instant stories don't turn out too well. SOME do, but it seems like in most cases it's a bunch of intense high feelings and nothing more.

Edited May 5, 2014 by MissBee

[AdrianCrawley]

I think searching for "instant" chemistry is misleading.

 

I think it's childish.

[AdrianCrawley]

I want the really really special kind of relationship, or singleness.

 

Why ?

[Leigh 87]

I think searching for "instant" chemistry is misleading.

 

I've had it more than once and those relationships for me lacked in many ways. The chemistry was instant and crazy and not sustainable.

 

I then realized that the whole instant chemistry and intensity thing is overrated and definitely the stuff movies are made of.

 

I don't date people I'm not attracted to. Period. However, having dated enough and having had a broken heart enough and then looking for "love examples" in real couples I actually respect, I found that what I looked for before wasn't really what I needed, i.e. intense chemistry, but instant chemistry is not the end all be all. There is actually a great article I read about the dangers of instant chemistry and chasing that type of feeling, which is really brilliant and made a lot of sense.

 

With my current bf I wasn't instantly attracted to him physically online but our conversation and his profile had a lot of the important things I wanted so I prioritized that fortunately, when we met in person I was A LOT more attracted to him and he is way more handsome in real life than in pictures. As I get to know him, it's exciting as the more I learn and see and feel the more that passion grows as well as other important values. I can feel that this is just a lot more reasonable, sustainable and had possibility to be anchored for a long time versus all my other head over heels instant connection blah blahs that ALL crashed and burned. With him, we did move fast in some ways but it wasn't the same type of intensity and head over heels instant feeling, but everyday I get more and more excited because I feel us growing in a sustainable way. I am excited about us and get butterflies when I see him but it wasn't the stuff of the instant romance which for me always had an undercurrent of anxiety and drama.

 

I do not think you either have "instant chemistry" OR you're settling. The two aren't the same. Settling is also about your values and what matters most to you in your relationships. I was sold the lie that unless it was instant chemistry and intense it was not love...not true! Again, I also decided to look for examples in real people whose relationships I admire, one of whom is my aunt who she and her husband are as in love and coupley as ever, inspite of a 15 year marriage, kids, family deaths, illnesses etc. For her, it wasn't instant either. With her first husband, who is clearly now her ex, it was instant though.

 

Settling is always feeling like you're missing out or knowing you are putting aside things you need to be with someone just cause, IMO. I would never do that. But reevaluating what should take priority and adjusting that isn't settling. For me, I tested it and life showed me that prioritizing instant attraction or thinking that that is real love or the only way to love wasn't true and just led to short-lived whirlwind romances that crashed for me. I didn't want to be insane, i.e. doing the SAME thing over and over and expecting something different, so I decided to do something different, look at my more important values FIRST and not just aim for instant love like it's microwave popcorn, and it seems to be working a lot better for me. The main difference too is that as I and my bf grow I have time to see a lot of things and appreciate the good and see where we need to work on things whereas with my Mr. Instant Connections it was like a tornado where I was blind to a lot of things and just living off the feelings and intensity without an anchor.

 

I think "love of a lifetime" doesn't need to be instant and from what I have experienced and also have seen....many of these love of a lifetime instant stories don't turn out too well. SOME do, but it seems like in most cases it's a bunch of intense high feelings and nothing more.

 

 

 

So when you met your boyfriend for the first date, you both really liked each other but you weren't all giddy and excited? How did you feel after date one?

 

Your method is ideal for you. I applaud you for being self aware enough to figure out what suits you best. You have obviously learnt from your experience. I experience chemistry rather easily, I generate it in spades with a high volume of men compared to my friends, and therefore since I always tend to generate chemistry fairly regularly, it feels alien to me to go with the guys I DO NOT feel urges to kiss by the end of the first date. I dropped a wonderful guy and demoted him to FWB (HUGE mistake) because he was everything I wanted in a guy yet I DID NOT feel chemistry. I could have had a wonderful guy but I can't enjoy romance without chemistry, even though I knew full well I could have grown passionate over time. After a month, I realised it would take a few months to become excited about being sexual with him. Even though I WAS attracted enough to him. It wasn't lack of attraction, something was just missing for me.

 

Everything you said makes sense. I have enough experience to know though, that in addition to finding a man who is wonderful to me, treats me well and has similar values where it counts, I CAN find instant chemistry. As it is important to me. I realise it will take a little longer to get he insta - chemistry, the instant fireworks and also land a really decent guy. However, I don't care if they are on a low income, if they are fat, if they are too skinny, I am OPEN to experiencing the instant, natural and instinctive passion with ANY type of guy; as long as he treats me well and he is a decent person. I would happily date a conservative even though I am way to the left..

 

I don't need sparks on first site, but within an hour or so of talking I need the sparks......I had one guy who... well wow, we had such an instant sexual energy.... such a strong spark, it was insane, we made out as soon as we met it was completely overpowering. Then there were another 2 guys who I felt strong chemistry for AFTER talking to them for a little, from 20 mins to an hour and THEN "bang" I had more than enough chemistry.

 

My current guy and I ... we look similar and perhaps that added to our instant spark? How do I say it... Well, he is naturally a really good guy, he is really happy and positive about meeting new people, and he really prefers having a gf as he doesn't enjoy casual fun although he has resorted to it. He thought I was adorable and gorgeous, he texted all his friends that it was his best date ever and he was really happy and excited about our second date. He commented after date one that he sensed strong sexual chemistry. He was a gentlemen though and never once mentioned sex and it was ME who made the first move:lmao:

 

I wanted to kiss my bf on date one, I was dying to make out with him. Did you and your bf feel urges to make out on date one? We had good chemistry and had the hots for each other early on but I am not sure if it was the earth shattering chemistry my mate had with her bf, "electric" chemistry she described, they made out after 5 minutes:lmao: My bf is just not the type to make out with a girl after 5 mins though:lmao: if a girl tried, he'd be like "wtf, get away from me":lmao: My friend met her bf at a club hence the instant make out session, and the other guy I met was just a sleaze and therefore wanted to bonk me the second we met pretty much. I did feel the same level with my current guy but we actually hung out for an hour or two before making out.

 

I want to reiterate.... since I experience good chemistry fairly easily, I suppose it "feels" unnatural for me to go for a man who I lack it with at first.

 

 

This is really the sort of person I am based on my current set of experiences and values.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Leigh 87

[MissBee]

Leigh 87,

 

So when you met your boyfriend for the first date, you both really liked each other but you weren't all giddy and excited? How did you feel after date one?

 

The date I had with my boyfriend was in fact the BEST date I've been on. It was fun, we did a lot of things and we were attracted to each other. It was a long date that started at noon and didn't end until 5 am . I knew the exact point on the date that I felt like there was "something" there and that I wanted to see him again. It was after lunch as we were walking around a car museum and something he said and did and the way he looked at me made me sure I was attracted to him and wanted to see more of him and that feeling increased as the date went on. However, the pace just felt a lot steadier and not giddy like other dates I've had. Yes I wanted to kiss him on our first date and we did end up kissing at several points later on in the date and had a long make out session when he dropped me home.

 

 

We also had some time between our first and second date because I went out of town, but by our second date I knew I didn't want to see anyone else. I had been talking to another guy who I might have gone on a date with to see, but after our second date I had ZERO interest in anyone else, and it was the same for him. He definitely is the person I choose above all others right now for lots of reasons but in comparison to other bfs it wasn't "instant." I wasn't consumed with him in the way I was with other men and obsessing over it and I still felt feelings of...maybe I should still look around, although that ended after our second date.

 

We talked on the phone for about 2 weeks prior to our first date and in those 2 weeks prior I liked him but wasn't sure and still wanted to see others. Whereas with other guys, I've experienced that instant chemistry where I felt consumed by them and our conversation after one phone call...it definitely wasn't like that with my bf, which made me question our suitability for each other, but I had to realize: all those instant chemistry phone calls, the relationships didn't work out too well so maybe I shouldn't write him off because of that. I'm glad I didn't. Even now, there are certain aspects about our relationship that don't feel as intense as with other people, and since I was used to that I kept freaking out that maybe we aren't compatible because of it...and time will indeed tell if this is "it" for me...but as others have said, I have felt other people were "it" at the time and it was so intense and "magical" and it crashed and burned, not to mention I now realize how much was built just on feelings but they lacked in other areas that count in terms of having a real, non-fantasy, adult relationship. That said: the feelings of "love of a lifetime" can be misleading and you can feel intense chemistry and like it is "it" with people who are in no way it...so if that is the case, I also believe it is true that your "it" may come in a package you don't expect and it may need time to bloom. The latter stance is the one I take now, since so many "its" didn't end up anywhere for me and I realized they all came in similar types of intense packages....so clearly something about what I've trained myself to think of as what a good relationship should be is off. I used to think I would INSTANTLY "know" "the one", now I think that's kind of silly. Yes it may be possible, but now I realize that a man who is a good man for me and who would make a good husband may not necessarily come with a sign and I may not necessarily feel "it" instantly.

 

It seems you're talking about never feeling chemistry and dating someone in spite of that. I don't think you should be with someone with whom you feel nothing even after some time. But it's just the "instant" aspect or writing someone off based on not experiencing certain kinds of instant feelings that I'm wary of and which I've realized isn't really a good tool in terms of choosing successful relationships. Being with someone with whom you feel NOTHING is obviously a waste of time, but writing someone off who has other values you need because chemistry isn't instant isn't necessarily wise either. Chemistry is part of the equation but sometimes is weighted more heavily than it should be and the most toxic relationships often have the MOST chemistry if there is a Richter scale of chemistry out there lol. Trust me. So experiencing that, I have a more balanced view now. Clearly if I don't and never feel anything I won't date you just because on paper you're good but I also don't allow chemistry to blind me and realize I can feel that spark with the most unsuitable of men so I don't allow myself to be led astray by it. Instead I would rather feel something, but give it time to grow, my feelings and security increase or they don't. But having room to see works a lot better for me.

Edited May 5, 2014 by MissBee

[carhill]

How many of you prefer to stay single unless you find someone who is essentially that "once in a lifetime" type of love, or "the one" as some people infer?

 

During my reproductive years I didn't really align with the affirmative answer to that question but indeed do find myself more aligning with it now. Life is too short at this point to be drilling dry holes. Back then, wildcatting was risky but there was plenty of time to recover and, had I not been doing it, and I experimented for multi-year periods within that time with 'waiting', I'd have been alone the whole time. Now, I'll stick with the productive wells of friendship and enjoy life and what happens, happens. At your age, IMO do what works for you. Either is a valid choice if you feel positive about it.

[Keenly]

Why ?

 

Are you asking why some would want a special kind of relationship?

[Teraskas]

You have my respect.

 

It's ironic because it's true: I AM the guy she's talking about, lols.

 

Anyhow, my take on this topic:

 

Personally, I wouldn't settle for anyone less than I think I am and deserve.

Sure, I've rejected around 2 women but that was for valid reasons.

They didn't have the ability to form 2 coherent sentences in Dutch, nor in English despite being born here.

 

I think it's just ridiculous that the few dates I've been on always consisted of women who don't kno what they want, just got out of a relationship, or don't feel the 'spark', etc.

Imo, being turned down after a 2 hour date on the basis of a spark's absence is just a bit of a stretch.

 

Thus far, all the relationships I was in didn't have that initial spark.

Sure, there was initial interest, but the actual spark itself gradually developed over time on both sides.

I can't tell everything about myself in a 2 hour, and it's happened before that a spark on their end developed after that time.

 

Perhaps one of my biggest flaws is that I get emotionally invested too quickly, and am secretly hoping for something more to develop while it's never wanted on their end. Each time I'm told that I lack a spark, it makes me feel lifeless more than anything.

Don't get me wrong, when on a date I'm constantly in a positive mood, talking passionately about my life, as well as occupation and hobbies, maintaining eye contact, applying a touch when appropriate, etc.

 

I honestly don't know what's causing this lack of a spark:

- Is it because of my appearance ?

- Is it because of my accent and knowledge of the English language being substantially greater for a non-native than any other guy they've dated in the past ?

- Is it because I'm different than 90% of all guys in society ?

(Not uploading selfies, adding as many women as possible to the bedpost notch, a guy with morals and values, someone who's constantly honest, a good person in general, not manipulating women or looking for easy meaningless sex, not wearing the bland 'youth' outfits despite my 22 years of age, not rocking the Skrillex hairstyle, attending festivals, etc, having more intelligence than the average joe, no commitment issues, etc.)

- Is it my attire ?

- Is it that THEIR standards are too high while I'm doing everything I can to promote myself ?

Honestly, I do not know anymore at this point, although I'm inclined to believe it's the last option I mentioned.

 

All in all, I'm an upfront, honest guy who's different than other dudes.

Despite my young age and already graduated, know what I want from life...I seem to be looking all the time but don't manage to connect.

The door to commitment is MORE than open on my end, yet it never amounts to anything because the interest is a one-way street...

Edited May 5, 2014 by Teraskas

[Phoe]

My opinion on this topic is rather strange, probably.

 

I've never looked at it as settling.

 

 

When pursuing a relationship with someone who you don't have the "insta-chemistry" with, it doesn't necessarily mean you're settling. I always knew I was capable of having my love and attraction grow strong over time, so as long as I was happy and hopeful that it was very likely the connection would grow, it's certainly not settling to pick a man I had started off slow with.

 

 

Now though, for a first, the connection was instantaneous with my boyfriend. We clicked within minutes and have been inseparable since that first night we met.

 

 

Some have suggested to me that THAT is settling. That I paired up the minute a guy struck my fancy and didn't even wait to see what else was out there.

 

 

But I don't care what else is out there. I'm not interested. I've got what I want and I'm a very lucky girl.

 

 

Neither of my scenarios, whether fast or slow, are settling in my eyes, because it's what I wanted at that time.

[AdrianCrawley]

Are you asking why some would want a special kind of relationship?

 

My question was a trap.

 

"Really really special" people want "really really special" relationships. So they have giant expectations, but they also want to be lead only by lust ("chemistry") when choosing a partner. Sometimes it works, most times it doesn't.

[Leigh 87]

Hmm. Well I don't see why it's so uncommon to meet I guy who you feel instantly excited about and have an instant spark with , and who turns out to be wonderful.

 

My friend and I both met guys we were instantly all "excited" about. We haven't had other relationships that we're more intense.

 

Our boyfriends also turned out to be completely wonderful.

 

My family comments on how it's obvious that my bf adores me.

 

He often looks very longingly at me. He just gazes at me and he lights up.

 

I just couldn't NOT have the naturally occurring intense feeling IN ADDITION to a great guy.

 

I would honestly give up everything to be with my bf. If I had to. Being either him with nothing is a much more joyful thought than having "things" and going without him.

 

My friend and I feel very lucky that we have guys who treat us so well, first and foremost. We are stupidly happy ALL of the time.

 

Maybe I found it all, those natural high feelings AND with the most wonderful guy who's also crazy about me, because I deserve it after being a nice person my entire life and having been cheated on.. I've gone through players and liars.

 

I feel at 27 it shouldn't he THAT uncommon to finally meet the person you have the natural intensity with AND who's a good fit.

 

I have lived with my boyfriend for over a week several times. He wworks in Sydney so he is only here 3 nights a week with out cat we got together. He is about to move his stuff here to make it official, that he lives here part time.

 

Chemistry aside though, I thought long and hard about how much I genuinely love and care for him. I even made threads about it and actually considered things beyond the natural chemistry we felt instantly.

[Smilecharmer]

I never settled....sparks right from the start and sparks still after two decades. He is really, really hot, sexy wicked smart, nice and engaging..I hit the jackpot the day he came into my life. :love:

[Leigh 87]

Personally, I tried to completely cast aside the intense feelings I had and I really stepped back and thought about things from practical standpoint.

 

After month 6 I am at the stage where I highly doubt what we have is merely passion based. We both seem to have considered our life circumstances and make an intelligent decision.

 

I dunn but true love to me.. is knowing that I'd happily support him one day if anything happened to him. And knowing I'd still be truly happy with him if we were dirt poor... With me having to be the sole income earner. He is just so h a keeper. He makes me the happiest I have ever felt. I would give up travel for him if he wanted kids and we couldn't afford both kids and to ever travel again. I am a travel addict too.

 

In my mind, I knew he was the one for me when I realized II would give up pretty much everything to be with him. Long held dreams, I would give them all up for him. He is that decent lolz.

[No Limit]

I'm a month away from becoming 18 and haven't had a relationship yet and to be honest not a single prospect around here either.

I don't have a problem with being single though. Why invest in a relationship if its just a relationship for the purpose of not being single?

 

I always give 100%, so I rather wait for chemistry and co.

[Leigh 87]

I never settled....sparks right from the start and sparks still after two decades. He is really, really hot, sexy wicked smart, nice and engaging..I hit the jackpot the day he came into my life. :love:

 

 

 

 

This is how I feel 100%

 

I constantly feel lucky.

 

I don't believe we will lonse passion that easily as we age since we had it naturally to begin with. Although I digress, many happy couples who have to work a bit harder to keep their sex lives healthy due to lack of the instant high/passion are just as happy as us instant spark gals:lmao:

Edited May 5, 2014 by Leigh 87

[kodakgirl]

Why ?

 

Why? Because I don't NEED to be in a relationship. I don't want to be in it for reassurance or affection or because I'm afraid to be alone. I want to be in it because I well and truly feel this person makes my life better and makes me better, and because they feel the same way about me. To me that is a really really special relationship.

[Valen]

I never settled....sparks right from the start and sparks still after two decades. He is really, really hot, sexy wicked smart, nice and engaging..I hit the jackpot the day he came into my life. :love:

 

Wow. That's precisely what this whole threat is about. I wish someday a girl will say that about me but I think I have better odds at winning the lotto.

 

Just curious, how did you two meet? What was your first date like?

[AdrianCrawley]

Why? Because I don't NEED to be in a relationship. I don't want to be in it for reassurance or affection or because I'm afraid to be alone. I want to be in it because I well and truly feel this person makes my life better and makes me better, and because they feel the same way about me. To me that is a really really special relationship.

 

I guess maybe that's why I'm alone. But I don't like being alone. I NEED to be in a relationship, but I DON'T WANT TO, unless I meet an appropriate girls who I like and she likes me back.

 

Well that, and the fact I'm f-ugly and unattractive and creepy and stuff.

[Smilecharmer]

Wow. That's precisely what this whole threat is about. I wish someday a girl will say that about me but I think I have better odds at winning the lotto.

 

Just curious, how did you two meet? What was your first date like?

 

Are you sure you want to know because he is my favorite subject besides my kids? We were set up to meet by my family. The first time I saw him he was playing sports....I had never seen a man so talented and gorgeous and the best part was he was soooooo nice to everyone around him. Women were actually standing on the sidelines drooling over him and he was as oblivious to it then as he is now. He doesn't care about his looks. Which was and is amazing because he is beyond gorgeous....he has dimples and green eyes that would melt the panties off a nun.

Our first date was me chatting non stop.... I couldn't stop chattering nervously because he was so self contained and calm. I told him my entire life story, felt extremely afraid because he was a really good listener and his eyes were so concerned. I was usually so indifferent to men so when I started acting like a dang fool I knew was in trouble.

It didn't help that he was so smart and interesting and seemed oblivious to the fact that I was considered quite beautiful and desirable back then. He was nice, and polite, and interesting, but he wasn't bending over backwards to make me like him. He was so laid back I was sure he didn't like me at all until he would look longingly at my bottom lip while listening and there would be this intense look In his eyes...he is still like that...so cute. Then he would run the pad of his thumb over my pulse and I swear I just about died. I don't even recall what we didn't on our first date, just that I was smitten and was trying terribly hard not to be. I was in a strict career path...he was just perfect for me though so I ended up falling very much in love and still feel that way, only stronger now with more ties.

Why do you think you won't find that girl that thinks you are the best? I really never thought I would find any one for me either because I'm kind of odd. He loved me anyway, and I think there is always someone who can love us regardless of our oddities.

[Leigh 87]

Why is there such a strong link between the loves that burn the brightest, always crashing and burning?

 

 

I mean, what is so rare about instant Chemistry and with a person who is a good fit long term?

 

 

My bf is a wonderful person who treats me well, I am not sure why our instant Chemistry and excitement means he will change his tune? We have lived together at points and I can't see how this will crash and burn just as fast as it started......

[Leigh 87]

And silverxX charmer, unlike you I am not considered very beautiful and yet my bf thought I was GORGEOUS.

 

He honestly feels that way and even though ..like, I know I am not very pretty to most people but to HIM he makes me feel that way 100%

 

My good friend is considered very pretty and her bf is head over heels too but, in spite of her much better looks, my bf looks at me the same way as her bf looks at her...

 

my bf makes me feel like TO HIM, he views me in the same way he would view a "beautiful girl"

 

If that makes any sense hah. I once thought honestly, that only beautiful women get guys to go all gaga over them... that only they can get their bf to look at them and revel in their beauty.

 

Since meeting my bf I now believe average gals like me can find men who genuinely view us in the same light that the song writers or poets view the "pretty girls"

 

I fully believe that I am a beautiful site to my bf.

[kodakgirl]

Are you sure you want to know because he is my favorite subject besides my kids? We were set up to meet by my family. The first time I saw him he was playing sports....I had never seen a man so talented and gorgeous and the best part was he was soooooo nice to everyone around him. Women were actually standing on the sidelines drooling over him and he was as oblivious to it then as he is now. He doesn't care about his looks. Which was and is amazing because he is beyond gorgeous....he has dimples and green eyes that would melt the panties off a nun.

Our first date was me chatting non stop.... I couldn't stop chattering nervously because he was so self contained and calm. I told him my entire life story, felt extremely afraid because he was a really good listener and his eyes were so concerned. I was usually so indifferent to men so when I started acting like a dang fool I knew was in trouble.

It didn't help that he was so smart and interesting and seemed oblivious to the fact that I was considered quite beautiful and desirable back then. He was nice, and polite, and interesting, but he wasn't bending over backwards to make me like him. He was so laid back I was sure he didn't like me at all until he would look longingly at my bottom lip while listening and there would be this intense look In his eyes...he is still like that...so cute. Then he would run the pad of his thumb over my pulse and I swear I just about died. I don't even recall what we didn't on our first date, just that I was smitten and was trying terribly hard not to be. I was in a strict career path...he was just perfect for me though so I ended up falling very much in love and still feel that way, only stronger now with more ties.

Why do you think you won't find that girl that thinks you are the best? I really never thought I would find any one for me either because I'm kind of odd. He loved me anyway, and I think there is always someone who can love us regardless of our oddities.

 

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!! I am just melting!!! especially when it's been two decades and you still talk about him with such awed love. Seeing that kind of thing always makes me feel so happy-- even if it never happens for me it makes me happy just to know it happens!!

[Leigh 87]

Kodakgirl - I think we all have a chance to seek this type of love. It all starts, for me, to ignore the fact the slower burning method works best for most people, and to not waste time on loves I don't believe will be as superior.

 

I crave the combination of the instant high and excitement in combination of having a wonderful person as a boyfriend who treats you well.

 

Many people maybe ourselves included will end up with a guy who we weren't all that excited or passionate about to begin with. People in these situations are just as happy as we are, the only difference is they had to wait for butterflies; they weren't instant.

 

I actually see no big difference in having butterflies that happen later or not at all, if both people deeply admire and respect AND also love each other dearly. Another poster on here is married to a guy she NOW has butterflies with, her words... Yet who she didn't have good sex with to begin with and who she didn't get high or giddy over. It evolved through a very strong admiration for him, the fact he was much more well versed in life in a way no other men ever were. He was such a catch she felt passion can be grown through the fact she was awestruck with how amazing he was and what a fantastic fit he was for her. How lucky she felt to find him!

 

In her case ^^ the passion was more common than the rare find her husband was. Passion could be manufactured albeit never as intense in a sexual way as a person you naturally want to jump on date one. The type of man he was LESS common than instant sparks, though.

 

The natural and therefore instant spark, effortless passion and the high you get after the first date are basically things that HELP keep people together IF they happen to right for each other to begin with....

 

I want it all! The instant and natural butterflies and excitement.. AND a partner I feel super lucky to have on every level. I would rather have a great guy who.. perhaps lack in one area, but who is still a good guy nevertheless, who I have instant chemistry and butterflies with.. who I am head over heels for.

 

I wouldn't compromise key things though for butterflies and rainbows. They have to be a nice person, treat me well, be employed or studying full time/working preferably even menial jobs...

[Shepp]

How many of you prefer to stay single unless you find someone who is essentially that "once in a lifetime" type of love, or "the one" as some people infer?

 

This thread is because I want to hear about how YOU view love and relationships, and whether or not YOU hold out for that once in a lifetime one, or if you're need to have a family supersedes finding intense passion AND a loyal companion in one package?

 

I didnt settle, not at all! I pinpointed the girl I wanted and I put my blinkers on and pursued her! She was the only one i wanted! Everything else was settling! It was no, Romeo and Juliet story though cause she had no intention of being with me, no intention of setting up a home, no intention of having kids. But i dunno, i guess to me i set my sights and she didnt have a big say in the matter, haha, took me a good four years (thats like 1461 days dude!!) but its worth it, to have what i have now id of pursued her for 8!! I've got the girl and the family i've wanted since i was 15!

 

 

BUT.....However much i love her, even if she was the only girl in the world i ever truly loved there would of come a point one day - dunno where, cant even imagine it, but i know its there - a point where i'd of married a girl i at least liked, and got on with, and been a good loyal husband to her and of raised a family together! There was nothing that would of ever taken kids of the table for me, i think the drive to be a dad would of won out in the end if i'd had to choose!