What Do You Settle For

[Phoe]

Eh, that's just how dating works. Everyone wants to date up. If a girl is dating up, she will like the man more than the "up" man will like her... because he also wants to date up, not down.

 

If a guy obviously likes her more than she likes him, that's a sign that she's dating down. No one wants to date down. Dating across is fine, when both parties like each other equally, but that rarely happens - humans always find excuses to distinguish ourselves from others.

 

All that matters is how much the girl likes the guy, because it's much easier for her to find another suitor if she decides she's tired of dating "down" guy. The guys feelings don't matter in this dynamic.

 

 

 

I don't even understand what this dating "up" or "down" concept even means. How is that a thing? How is there a reference point?

 

 

And how does who likes who more signify whether they are up or down? I don't even remotely understand the logic in that.

 

 

SD - Not all women want to be with a man who likes her less than she likes him. If I were in a situation like that, I'd feel pretty down, I'd be sad that he clearly wasn't crazy about me, and in turn, my own level of interest in him would probably plummet, and in turn the relationship would die.

 

 

Being with a man who is crazy about me, who makes me feel adored, that stokes a fire inside of me, gets my passion going, and makes the whole relationship more intense. I feed off of him, and he feeds off of me.

[Potz4prez]

I don't even understand what this dating "up" or "down" concept even means. How is that a thing? How is there a reference point?

 

 

And how does who likes who more signify whether they are up or down? I don't even remotely understand the logic in that.

 

 

SD - Not all women want to be with a man who likes her less than she likes him. If I were in a situation like that, I'd feel pretty down, I'd be sad that he clearly wasn't crazy about me, and in turn, my own level of interest in him would probably plummet, and in turn the relationship would die.

 

 

Being with a man who is crazy about me, who makes me feel adored, that stokes a fire inside of me, gets my passion going, and makes the whole relationship more intense. I feed off of him, and he feeds off of me.

 

Please, we all know. It's biological. The second you meet someone, you judge them based on your self perception as a reference point. No matter what the circumstances. When you meet someone dating , you start tallying things up. Their standing professionally, financially, biologically, etc and we categorize them accordingly. It's what humans do. As a fit, professionally successful and financially independent male, I want to date a woman that is of the same standing. I wouldn't want to date a woman who has no job, no aspirations and eats Doritos all day.

 

 

My past statement is really just a blanket generalization for the early stages of a relationship. Guys get burned all the time for showing a girl he likes her too much. If sex is a powerplay for women, emotions are a powerplay for men. Sad but true. Girls like a challenge too, no?

[Phoe]

Please, we all know. It's biological. The second you meet someone, you judge them based on your self perception as a reference point. No matter what the circumstances. When you meet someone dating , you start tallying things up. Their standing professionally, financially, biologically, etc and we categorize them accordingly. It's what humans do. As a fit, professionally successful and financially independent male, I want to date a woman that is of the same standing. I wouldn't want to date a woman who has no job, no aspirations and eats Doritos all day.

 

 

My past statement is really just a blanket generalization for the early stages of a relationship. Guys get burned all the time for showing a girl he likes her too much. If sex is a powerplay for women, emotions are a powerplay for men. Sad but true. Girls like a challenge too, no?

 

 

 

Well, I suppose I have different ways for "judging" people (I'd prefer a different term than judging, but oh well). I don't categorize people based on silly things like "professional success" and finances. I simplify it, and judge people on whether they are decent human being or not. That's all that matters.

 

 

I don't use sex as a powerplay. That's just stupid. If a man were to use emotions as a powerplay against me, I'd simply assume he's not interested, and I'd become less interested as well. I don't "want a challenge" in that sense. What "challenge" is there in a man who doesn't seem interested? That seems like a lost cause. If someone isn't interested, I'm sure as hell not about to jump through hoops to try to make them be interested, because in my eyes, if a man isn't interested, he won't ever be. If he IS interested, he will let me know this, straightforward.

 

 

If a man is interested, but pretends he's not, I'm just gonna assume he's not, and walk away. Playing games like that is just gonna bite him in the ass.

 

 

powerplay and games = drama and problems. Why bother?

[Potz4prez]

Well, I suppose I have different ways for "judging" people (I'd prefer a different term than judging, but oh well). I don't categorize people based on silly things like "professional success" and finances. I simplify it, and judge people on whether they are decent human being or not. That's all that matters.

 

 

I don't use sex as a powerplay. That's just stupid. If a man were to use emotions as a powerplay against me, I'd simply assume he's not interested, and I'd become less interested as well. I don't "want a challenge" in that sense. What "challenge" is there in a man who doesn't seem interested? That seems like a lost cause. If someone isn't interested, I'm sure as hell not about to jump through hoops to try to make them be interested, because in my eyes, if a man isn't interested, he won't ever be. If he IS interested, he will let me know this, straightforward.

 

 

If a man is interested, but pretends he's not, I'm just gonna assume he's not, and walk away. Playing games like that is just gonna bite him in the ass.

 

 

powerplay and games = drama and problems. Why bother?

 

Oh, I totally agree. I wish more girls were as mature as you.

[Phoe]

Oh, I totally agree. I wish more girls were as mature as you.

 

I wish that too. I know we're not THAT rare, there are a great number of mature and reasonable ladies on this forum alone. I just wish, in general, people could be more reasonable with dating.

 

 

I am often boggled by how ridiculous many people in the dating world can be these days. Especially when that ridiculousness is considered "standard"

[somedude81]

I don't even understand what this dating "up" or "down" concept even means. How is that a thing? How is there a reference point?

 

 

And how does who likes who more signify whether they are up or down? I don't even remotely understand the logic in that.

 

 

SD - Not all women want to be with a man who likes her less than she likes him. If I were in a situation like that, I'd feel pretty down, I'd be sad that he clearly wasn't crazy about me, and in turn, my own level of interest in him would probably plummet, and in turn the relationship would die.

 

 

Being with a man who is crazy about me, who makes me feel adored, that stokes a fire inside of me, gets my passion going, and makes the whole relationship more intense. I feed off of him, and he feeds off of me.

I'm still trying to figure out what was going on in my ex's head. The belief that I liked her so much, more than she liked me was hugely important to her. She felt that there was an imbalance.

 

How would you feel if you were in a relationship and believed that there was an imbalance in how strong the feelings were? I asked Leigh the same question and her answer made it seem that she wouldn't be OK with it.

 

Yes things are great when the level of feelings are equal but that is not always the case.

 

People don't always fall in love at the same speed.

[GoodOnPaper]

I'm still trying to figure out what was going on in my ex's head. The belief that I liked her so much, more than she liked me was hugely important to her. She felt that there was an imbalance.

 

You may just have to chalk it up to her being young. Maybe guys who attract a lot of girls go through this sort of behavior phase in their development, too. The same thing happened with me, every time. In high school and college, I always liked the girl more, so I got dumped. My wife liked me more, so there was nothing I could do to shake her -- showing lukewarm interest just drew her in more. The one thing all these girls had in common is that they were 21 years old or younger when we started dating.

[Potz4prez]

Sadly lots of girls are still unchanged even at ~25. Dunno when they start to grow up, but I'll let you know if I find out.

[somedude81]

You may just have to chalk it up to her being young. Maybe guys who attract a lot of girls go through this sort of behavior phase in their development, too. The same thing happened with me, every time. In high school and college, I always liked the girl more, so I got dumped. My wife liked me more, so there was nothing I could do to shake her -- showing lukewarm interest just drew her in more. The one thing all these girls had in common is that they were 21 years old or younger when we started dating.

 

I had a feeling I wasn't the only one this happened to.

 

That is why a very prevalent belief in relationships is, "The one who loves the least, has the power."

 

At this point, I don't know if it's limited to people of a certain age. I don't see how age would be a factor. If somebody really loves you, they aren't likely to leave you unless there was some grand betrayal. And even then that might not be enough.

[Imajerk17]

It wasn't so much how strongly you felt towards her, it was that she didn't feel it with you to the level that she wanted to. It happens.

 

If a woman DOES feel strongly for you, then she hopes that you feel just as strongly back. Any big imbalance in feelings is painful in fact. If you feel strongly for someone and they aren't feeling it back, that is often painful. If someone feels strongly for you and you aren't feeling it back for that person, then you feel guilty. Oftentimes you will keep on seeing the person hoping that the feelings grow.

 

If someone feels strongly for you and you feel strongly back for them though, that is true love.

[Potz4prez]

It wasn't so much how strongly you felt towards her, it was that she didn't feel it with you to the level that she wanted to. It happens.

 

If a woman DOES feel strongly for you, then she hopes that you feel just as strongly back. Any big imbalance in feelings is painful in fact. If you feel strongly for someone and they aren't feeling it back, that is often painful. If someone feels strongly for you and you aren't feeling it back for that person, then you feel guilty. Oftentimes you will keep on seeing the person hoping that the feelings grow.

 

If someone feels strongly for you and you feel strongly back for them though, that is true love.

 

...a statistical improbability haha.

[somedude81]

It wasn't so much how strongly you felt towards her, it was that she didn't feel it with you to the level that she wanted to. It happens.

I think it's a combination of the two.

 

She felt guilty for not being as into me as I was into her. Meaning, if she felt that my feelings for her, were on the same level as her feelings for me, then she wouldn't have felt guilty. In essence, I liked her too much.

 

In order for there to be an equilibrium, she had to like me more than she did, or I had to like her less than I did.

 

If a woman DOES feel strongly for you, then she hopes that you feel just as strongly back. Any big imbalance in feelings is painful in fact. If you feel strongly for someone and they aren't feeling it back, that is often painful.

Painful for who?

 

Do you think I cared that my ex didn't feel as strongly about me, as I did for her? I was extremely happy with what I was feeling from her. I didn't care if she wasn't absolutely crazy about me. What I got from her was more than enough to make me happy.

 

I don't believe that two people need to be absolutely crazy about each other for a relationship to work. As long as they are both in love, it doesn't matter if one of them loves the other 10 times as much.

 

If someone feels strongly for you and you aren't feeling it back for that person, then you feel guilty. Oftentimes you will keep on seeing the person hoping that the feelings grow.

I just don't understand the reason for any feelings of guilt.

 

If you can tell that somebody really likes you, and they are completely happy with the level of liking that they are getting from you, then what is there to be guilty about?

 

I don't know how much my ex liked me, but she treated me great. She didn't have to do much to keep me happy so I really doubt she was pushing herself. I just can't see why she felt guilty.

 

If someone feels strongly for you and you feel strongly back for them though, that is true love.

And I've never felt true love. I was definitely close this time. Maybe someday.

[Potz4prez]

I just don't understand the reason for any feelings of guilt.

 

If you can tell that somebody really likes you, and they are completely happy with the level of liking that they are getting from you, then what is there to be guilty about?.

 

You must not be catholic -.-

 

I went out with a girl, planned a second date, and I already feel guilty because I'm not into her on an emotional level at all. *shrugs*

[Leigh 87]

I think it's a combination of the two.

 

She felt guilty for not being as into me as I was into her. Meaning, if she felt that my feelings for her, were on the same level as her feelings for me, then she wouldn't have felt guilty. In essence, I liked her too much.

 

In order for there to be an equilibrium, she had to like me more than she did, or I had to like her less than I did.

 

 

Painful for who?

 

Do you think I cared that my ex didn't feel as strongly about me, as I did for her? I was extremely happy with what I was feeling from her. I didn't care if she wasn't absolutely crazy about me. What I got from her was more than enough to make me happy.

 

I don't believe that two people need to be absolutely crazy about each other for a relationship to work. As long as they are both in love, it doesn't matter if one of them loves the other 10 times as much.

 

 

I just don't understand the reason for any feelings of guilt.

 

If you can tell that somebody really likes you, and they are completely happy with the level of liking that they are getting from you, then what is there to be guilty about?

 

I don't know how much my ex liked me, but she treated me great. She didn't have to do much to keep me happy so I really doubt she was pushing herself. I just can't see why she felt guilty.

 

 

And I've never felt true love. I was definitely close this time. Maybe someday.

 

 

 

True love in my opinion, is when BOTH parties are in love.

 

I was in love with my ex but he wasn't with me. We were still very close but I felt something missing.

 

My ex fwb was in love with me but I wasn't with him..... I felt guilty and awful for him. How awful for his favorite feeling on earth to be waking up next to me when I only viewed him as a good friend who.was looking forward to meeting the right guy.......

[somedude81]

True love in my opinion, is when BOTH parties are in love.

 

I was in love with my ex but he wasn't with me. We were still very close but I felt something missing.

 

My ex fwb was in love with me but I wasn't with him..... I felt guilty and awful for him. How awful for his favorite feeling on earth to be waking up next to me

Do you really think he cared at all? He was waking up next to you. What more could he want?

 

when I only viewed him as a good friend who.was looking forward to meeting the right guy.......

And that's why you felt guilty. I can understand feeling guilty when somebody is in love with you, and your have your eyes open for somebody else.

 

There is no way I can do that, be with somebody who loves me when I don't consider them to be somebody I want to be with, and I'm just looking for the next big thing.

[Leigh 87]

Do you really think he cared at all? He was waking up next to you. What more could he want?

 

 

And that's why you felt guilty. I can understand feeling guilty when somebody is in love with you, and your have your eyes open for somebody else.

 

There is no way I can do that, be with somebody who loves me when I don't consider them to be somebody I want to be with, and I'm just looking for the next big thing.

 

 

 

I didn't feel comfortable. But it was lovely to know that a guy could be so enamored with me. ..... changing his phone wallpaper to me.... putting pictures of me of his social media. .. making an official count down on instagram until when he'd see me when I was overseas...

 

I could have been very well off and looked after. He earned nearly 200k per year and he was also a man I could see myself with long term. He made me laugh so much... As much as current bf does.

 

I just prefer to feel a romantic spark naturally opposed to having to manufacture it 100% myself over a period of many months. .

[somedude81]

I didn't feel comfortable. But it was lovely to know that a guy could be so enamored with me. ..... changing his phone wallpaper to me.... putting pictures of me of his social media. .. making an official count down on instagram until when he'd see me when I was overseas...

 

I could have been very well off and looked after. He earned nearly 200k per year and he was also a man I could see myself with long term. He made me laugh so much... As much as current bf does.

 

I just prefer to feel a romantic spark naturally opposed to having to manufacture it 100% myself over a period of many months. .

And yet you didn't feel that spark. I bet you didn't even know why you didn't.

 

God, you women are so complicated.

 

Of course, if women had minds like men did, the world would be at peace because everybody would be too busy having sex