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Finally, true NC and other issues


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GreySkyMorning

Mid-March, I finally told him I could no longer be friends with him and to leave me alone to heal. Even so, I prefaced that with "if you ever decide you still love me and want me completely, then let me know. Otherwise, just let me heal." I think he finally got it. I haven't heard from him. Mid-April, a good friend of his died unexpectedly and I sent him an email expressing my condolences, he replied with a thank you, a couple of other cordial messages sent, and that was it.

 

I'm struggling badly. My self-esteem and self-worth took such a bad hit with this. I think I read too much on here and on the other forums. A lot of BSs would be happy to see how the OW (at least, this OW) ends up sometimes. A huge part of me still sees myself as this horrible person. If I have a few drinks one night, I wake up feeling worthless because I resorted to alcohol and a good person wouldn't have done that. I can't enjoy sex anymore at all. I go through the motions. Every time I'm with my BF, I still think of myself as that slut or whore that all the BSs talk about on here and I can't enjoy anything. I definitely can't sext or have fun alone because that makes me feel even trashier. I feel like everyone can see through me as this trashy woman that slept with a MM. I honestly just feel worthless.

 

I'm beyond depressed. I started on Wellbutrin a month ago because I was having such a hard time. It hasn't helped at all so far. I can't afford to see a therapist right now, so I'm dealing on my own. I have no energy, I'm exhausted all the time, yet I can't sleep, haven't since March really. The last two days, I've done nothing but cry. I'm so irritable and nasty to other people right now.

 

I don't want him back. I don't even understand why I loved him so much. When I think about how he treated me at the end, I get sick to my stomach. I've never felt so used or hurt. I still hear his words in my head and I feel horrible. I hear MY words in my head and feel even worse.

 

I'm still with the same SG I started seeing at Halloween. I almost broke up with him right before I went NC with xMM. I was letting myself get pulled back into that and pushing SG away. I couldn't connect with him, couldn't open up to him, was keeping a huge wall up and it was actually my ongoing "friendship" with xMM. I knew I had to come clean to him about everything if I wanted to go any further. So, I sat him down the same day I went NC with xMM and told him everything, every detail. I told him I'd still been in daily contact with xMM and had been struggling with that. I just let him know where I stood and that I'd just ended the relationship completely. It was definitely a changing point for us.

 

I care about him very much. I realized just how much this weekend. He's a freight train conductor, so he's gone a lot. He'd gotten 48 hours federal rest over the weekend and we got a couple of rare days together. We got to be a "normal" couple. We had dinner alone together, sat outside by the fire, cuddled on the couch, spent all day Saturday in the country with friends, went to a winery up there and did some wine tasting, etc. He got called about 10am Sunday to go back out. I came home alone and was crying Sunday afternoon. It dawned on me that, for once, I wasn't crying over xMM. I wasn't even thinking about him. I was crying because I was missing SG so much already.

 

I don't want xMM back, I want ME back. I want to forget it all happened. I want to be able to open up and trust again. I really want to like myself again. I want to be the real me again before I end up losing this great guy. He deserves better than this half person he's getting now.

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Why are you beating yourself up? I think you are trying to replace that high. Just wake up every morning knowing it's a new day.

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P1nginLOVE

Be strong...spend more time with him...

Just rebuild your self esteem and do something relaxing...

Do yoga...

Join salsa class or belly class... I did those two and boy it made me love myself!

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Speakingofwhich

Greyskymorning, I don't know of your spiritual beliefs. But, even if you don't believe in God if you begin to read the Bible you will begin to notice a difference in the way you think and feel. There is a power in the Bible that isn't in any pill or even in therapy. Begin in the Psalms. And/or read Matthew/Mark/Luke/John at the beginning of the NT.

 

If you are feeling as badly as your post indicates you have nothing to lose. Just try it for a week. Life will be poured into you as you do it.

 

I know that posts like this often go unnoticed or meet with a claim to not believe in God. Or possibly this seems an unsophisticated approach. It may be, but it still works!

 

As I said, I don't know if you believe in God, but that's OK, He believes in you and He wants you to live a full life.

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What are you doing to fill your time, and your mind, where you used to spend it focused on MM?

 

That's one place to start. Take up an old hobby that you've let go of...start a new one. Excercise...key and critical to coping with stress. Consider taking up martial arts, for example. Focus hard on it and work at it...it'll fill your mind AND wear out your body, both of which are key to dealing with the stress you're going through.

 

Do you have any friends or family members you can use for support? I mean emotional...people with available shoulders to cry on?

 

Above all...realize we're all human. That means we all do stupid things in our lives. (What you did was a foolish thing...not a mistake. But we all do foolish things at times) Learn from what you've done, forgive yourself, and let yourself heal.

 

BS's don't come here to gloat at OW/OM who are hurting after an affair...certainly not all at least. I'm a fBH...I feel for the pain you're going through, and hope you seriously consider my advice...it's meant to help.

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whichwayisup

Start treating yourself better. Beating up on "you" and labeling and assuming stuff about yourself is quite harming and only making you feel worse. STOP THAT! NO MORE! I say that with care, and a hug.

 

Time to build yourself back up, and find "you" again.

 

Daily affirmations (as stupid as it sounds it does work), spending time with real friends that love and care about you, friends who can make you laugh and feel good, spending money on yourself! Splurge and go shopping, go on a spa day or weekend with women friends. Get a new haircut, find a new passion or hobby that makes you feel happy.

 

Hope this helps.

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A.Moscote

Be strong and patience GreySky. Take things slowly and let the healing be at its own pace. It won't be a quick process because you have given so much love and sacrificed a lot.

 

As much as you feel down about yourself please realize that you have at least left all that behind. Unless you resume it with the MM (which I hope is as ever unlikely as you feel now), you won't plunge any deeper. Be optimist then that the only direction for you now is upward. In a way, your are much better than some of us here who are still deep in the wrong act despite all the bad feeling we have.

 

Be careful and good luck on your current relationship. Prove again that loving capacity that you have to those dear to you. Hopefully it will helps you be more positive and balances the pain you are carrying. Big honors for you by the way for baring it all (your story) to your BF.

 

P.s. Don't be surprised if among your ever present supporters here in this sub-section are BS themselves.

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georgia girl

Oh my goodness, you are a wonderful woman! Please forgive yourself. You are so very hard on yourself.

 

 

I can't say just get over it, because I truly think you may have a little situational depression. If there is a federally qualified health center around you (go to the HRSA website and query your zipcode), give them a call. They offer behavioral health and, depending on your income, a sliding fee scale to go along with it.

 

 

Also, just start treating yourself well. Make sure you compliment yourself everyday, regardless of what it is for. And when you want to send yourself those negative messages, remind yourself that hurting yourself is only mean to you. You don't deserve it.

 

 

I really feel for you. You are a wonderful person.

 

 

GG

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QuakerOats

Grey, I can relate to so many of the emotions which you've described. I hope you feel better soon. You are moving in the right direction.

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gettingstronger

OK you- this is coming from a BS-you have to understand redemption and you have to believe in it-those of us in reconciliation believe in it and hope for it for our WS and so the same goes for you-grow, change, heal and move forward-its understandable to beat yourself up-we have all been there about something at sometime-but you do need to work towards self forgiveness-its the first step in a healthier, happier you-redeem yourself and heal-and I am not talking the religious sense, although if thats your thing, go for it- I mean it in the human sense-

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P1nginLOVE
Greyskymorning, I don't know of your spiritual beliefs. But, even if you don't believe in God if you begin to read the Bible you will begin to notice a difference in the way you think and feel. There is a power in the Bible that isn't in any pill or even in therapy. Begin in the Psalms. And/or read Matthew/Mark/Luke/John at the beginning of the NT.

 

If you are feeling as badly as your post indicates you have nothing to lose. Just try it for a week. Life will be poured into you as you do it.

 

I know that posts like this often go unnoticed or meet with a claim to not believe in God. Or possibly this seems an unsophisticated approach. It may be, but it still works!

 

As I said, I don't know if you believe in God, but that's OK, He believes in you and He wants you to live a full life.

 

I felt like you were talking to me.

:)

Prayers and faith really helped me in building my self-esteem when I was left by my ex 3 years ago (he was an MM and our son was 2 months old when he left us). I held an anger and lost my self-esteem for months...in 6 months I was not in a peaceful state until I learnt to let go...6 hard months and each day I prayed and asked GOD why?).

 

I finally recovered...when I surrendered my problems..I stopped asking HIM why...just asked HIM to forgive me and bless my xMM's family.

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Speakingofwhich
I felt like you were talking to me.

:)

Prayers and faith really helped me in building my self-esteem when I was left by my ex 3 years ago (he was an MM and our son was 2 months old when he left us). I held an anger and lost my self-esteem for months...in 6 months I was not in a peaceful state until I learnt to let go...6 hard months and each day I prayed and asked GOD why?).

 

I finally recovered...when I surrendered my problems..I stopped asking HIM why...just asked HIM to forgive me and bless my xMM's family.

 

So glad you felt that way, P1nginLOVE, and thanks for sharing your experience!

Edited by Speakingofwhich
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