Trading spouses

[DKT3]

I think you are wrong about my situation. You are looking at it as if it's an affair where we only present our best sides and know little of one another's true natures?

 

Our front doors are less than five feet apart. We share a business and basically a home, our yards connect, I care for their children full time. I have known him for years in this close environment, long before the affair ever began. We lost three people close to us do to tragedy that bonded us but we also share a very parallel past and I know him very well. I'm not in a fog.

 

If you read my first posts you'll see that I admit and am well aware that I was magnifying my husbands faults to myself in the beginning but that doesn't discount my real connection to this other man.

 

However it is depleting. It is exhausting and it is wrong.

 

I'm not reaching for anything.

You do not sound like you have read any of my threads and are more giving me general advice "with just the names changed" based on how you perceive 'most' affairs.

 

I'm not saying me and him are soul mates. I love he. Very much but I can clearly see his faults and he can see mine. I do not have to reach for a connection, it is electric anything we are together. What I do want is to end it with as little hurt as possible.

 

Yeah.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[Hope Shimmers]

You do not sound like you have read any of my threads and are more giving me general advice "with just the names changed" based on how you perceive 'most' affairs.

 

This is the exact same comment I gave this exact same member. In fact I commented that it could be a 'form' post.

 

I am not sure what he is trying to accomplish.

[Spark1111]

What about affairs that last years? Is that different from a good marriage in terms of what you said above (chemically)? Is it different from an AP who goes back to his W after an A?

 

Really just curious on the data about that and how it relates to affairs of different lengths, types, etc.

 

It is intermittent reward, no matter how you slice it or how long it lasts.

 

Until partners are fully accessible to each other emotionally and physically 24/7, it does not wear off. It may wane over time, but not end.

 

For some, the secrecy and illicit nature fuels the spiking. Not be able to have fully what you desire when you desire it does the same.

 

why do you think so many affairs that lead to second marriages have such an abysmal success rate?

 

because the affair relationship becomes as normal as any other one, except it was founded on lying and deceiving another.

 

Trying to trust and eventually normalizing destroys many an affair relationship.

[DKT3]

This is the exact same comment I gave this exact same member. In fact I commented that it could be a 'form' post.

 

I am not sure what he is trying to accomplish.

 

After my journey with infidelity I threw myself into the subject. I become obsessed, damn type A.

 

I have read thousands of cases and read about every book and study I could get my hands on. Expert after expert. At the core of it all is a common base. Everyone believes they are the expection, everyone thinks thiers is special. I know facts, 9% of men will leave their wives for OW.

 

Ill admitt I never focused on single OW with MM. It seems to truely be a different dynamic, and abit past what I've learned.

[Journee]

Maybe I'm jaded but you can be M and be around your partner 24/7 and still feel completely alone and disconnected. Just being in someone's presence doesn't guarantee intimacy or the things that make a solid foundation in an M. I'm there now.

 

Also, the divorce rate in general is astronomical. Marriages that do not involve infidelity fail too at alarming rates.

 

Most people do believe that their situation/marriage/relationship/affair is special. Otherwise why take the chance?

 

Invalidating a person's emotions or beliefs is futile. Only the participants really know what's real for them and their perception is everything.

[LaylaSings]

After my journey with infidelity I threw myself into the subject. I become obsessed, damn type A.

 

I have read thousands of cases and read about every book and study I could get my hands on. Expert after expert. At the core of it all is a common base. Everyone believes they are the expection, everyone thinks thiers is special. I know facts, 9% of men will leave their wives for OW.

 

Ill admitt I never focused on single OW with MM. It seems to truely be a different dynamic, and abit past what I've learned.

 

I don't think I'm special or the exception to anything but I KNOW that my situation is very different than what you have probably read about for the most part. It's not an affair where we set out looking for something, it's not an affair where we live in compartments and don't see each other day to day..

There are probably thousand of other people just like us. I know that.

We have seen every side to each other over the years, there's no getting around that. We own a joint vehicle for travel and vacations .. I sing his children lullabies and brush their teeth and change their diapers. I'm as involved in his family life as he is in mine.. Picking up groceries for one another, school and baseball trips, we have cried together at funerals, danced together at weddings.

I'm not saying this for any reason other than to say.. This is not an 'affair fog' and I am not reaching for a connection that isn't there.

He's not able to show his wife one side and me another.. It's actually the other way around.. Because his wife tells me if he's being loving and sweet or if he's being an angry jerk.. And I am positive my husband confides much of the same information to him.

 

All that.. Makes me feel worse. I know it's horrible. They are my friends and I love them and want them to succeed in their marriage and I want their children to be happy just like I want those things for my family.

 

This might not be unique to you, but to me, in my life.. It's special and it's one of a kind but it was wrong and a huge mistake and we have risked so much.

 

That doesn't discount our love for one another.

It doesn't mean we didn't have a real connection , it just means, real love, real connection, or not.. It has to end, and it never should have started.

 

Sometimes I think when that advice is given here .. That the connection isn't real and it's just part of the 'fog' is spot on. I just don't think it applies to me. It's not going to help me get over it by thinking that because it just doesn't fit with my situation.

 

It's not bad advice, it's just not the right advice here in my opinion. I came out of the fog months and months ago and everything has been crystal clear and very painful.

Edited April 8, 2014 by LaylaSings

[DKT3]

I don't think I'm special or the exception to anything but I KNOW that my situation is very different than what you have probably read about for the most part. It's not an affair where we set out looking for something, it's not an affair where we live in compartments and don't see each other day to day..

There are probably thousand of other people just like us. I know that.

We have seen every side to each other over the years, there's no getting around that. We own a joint vehicle for travel and vacations .. I sing his children lullabies and brush their teeth and change their diapers. I'm as involved in his family life as he is in mine.. Picking up groceries for one another, school and baseball trips, we have cried together at funerals, danced together at weddings.

I'm not saying this for any reason other than to say.. This is not an 'affair fog' and I am not reaching for a connection that isn't there.

He's not able to show his wife one side and me another.. It's actually the other way around.. Because his wife tells me if he's being loving and sweet or if he's being an angry jerk.. And I am positive my husband confides much of the same information to him.

 

All that.. Makes me feel worse. I know it's horrible. They are my friends and I love them and want them to succeed in their marriage and I want their children to be happy just like I want those things for my family.

 

This might not be unique to you, but to me, in my life.. It's special and it's one of a kind but it was wrong and a huge mistake and we have risked so much.

 

That doesn't discount our love for one another.

It doesn't mean we didn't have a real connection , it just means, real love, real connection, or not.. It has to end, and it never should have started.

 

Sometimes I think when that advice is given here .. That the connection isn't real and it's just part of the 'fog' is spot on. I just don't think it applies to me. It's not going to help me get over it by thinking that because it just doesn't fit with my situation.

 

It's not bad advice, it's just not the right advice here in my opinion. I came out of the fog months and months ago and everything has been crystal clear and very painful.

 

I could say so much more based on what you wrote here, I won't.

 

I just hope it ends well for the kids and the BS's.

 

Good luck

[frogss29]

I don't think I'm special or the exception to anything but I KNOW that my situation is very different than what you have probably read about for the most part. It's not an affair where we set out looking for something, it's not an affair where we live in compartments and don't see each other day to day..

There are probably thousand of other people just like us. I know that.

We have seen every side to each other over the years, there's no getting around that. We own a joint vehicle for travel and vacations .. I sing his children lullabies and brush their teeth and change their diapers. I'm as involved in his family life as he is in mine.. Picking up groceries for one another, school and baseball trips, we have cried together at funerals, danced together at weddings.

I'm not saying this for any reason other than to say.. This is not an 'affair fog' and I am not reaching for a connection that isn't there.

He's not able to show his wife one side and me another.. It's actually the other way around.. Because his wife tells me if he's being loving and sweet or if he's being an angry jerk.. And I am positive my husband confides much of the same information to him.

 

All that.. Makes me feel worse. I know it's horrible. They are my friends and I love them and want them to succeed in their marriage and I want their children to be happy just like I want those things for my family.

 

This might not be unique to you, but to me, in my life.. It's special and it's one of a kind but it was wrong and a huge mistake and we have risked so much.

 

That doesn't discount our love for one another.

It doesn't mean we didn't have a real connection , it just means, real love, real connection, or not.. It has to end, and it never should have started.

 

Sometimes I think when that advice is given here .. That the connection isn't real and it's just part of the 'fog' is spot on. I just don't think it applies to me. It's not going to help me get over it by thinking that because it just doesn't fit with my situation.

 

It's not bad advice, it's just not the right advice here in my opinion. I came out of the fog months and months ago and everything has been crystal clear and very painful.

 

Your story isn't unique.

Very similar to what happened to us.

Our two families were very close. Shared vacations, too much time spent together, LOVED each others kids, lived in each other pockets.

My husband and my (ex) best friend blurred the boundaries.........REALLY blurred the boundaries.

Whole thing is sick!

[veritas lux mea]

What a sad mess. I'm so glad I wasn't able to handle the stress of betraying my H. How does one get out when so deeply entrenched?

[frogss29]

I know, for my husband, he felt so guilty and behaved oddly. I had no idea what was going on. But he wanted out of that 'relationship' but felt so trapped and (weakly) didn't know what to do.

When D Day finally arrived he was almost relieved. He not longer had to play the game. He no longer felt responsible for someone else outside the marriage.

Having you live so close to them and so involved in every aspect of his life must be hideous. An affair is often an escape but it sounds like he has two families/marriages and he is cheating on both. No wonder he is depressed!

I dont understand why you don't have similar feelings about it all

[jwi71]

I don't think I'm special or the exception to anything but I KNOW that my situation is very different than what you have probably read about for the most part. It's not an affair where we set out looking for something, it's not an affair where we live in compartments and don't see each other day to day..

We have seen every side to each other over the years, there's no getting around that. We own a joint vehicle for travel and vacations .. I sing his children lullabies and brush their teeth and change their diapers. I'm as involved in his family life as he is in mine.. Picking up groceries for one another, school and baseball trips, we have cried together at funerals, danced together at weddings.

I'm not saying this for any reason other than to say.. This is not an 'affair fog' and I am not reaching for a connection that isn't there.

 

There are probably thousand of other people just like us. I know that.

 

I re-arranged what you wrote a bit - specifically moving one sentence, the last of my quote, from its original position to the last. I do this for emphasis. --editor's note.

 

...and you are right, there are precious few A's where the families are so deeply intertwined. It requires years of the families being exposed to one another, shared experiences both good and bad to form such strong ties. It is a fantastic display of how families, no people, can open up be vulnerable and discover and experience new heights of human interaction.

 

Its a lie of course. Tainted by a multi-threaded deception. With two deceiving all. I did, I promise, flip through some of your previous posts, but never read - has there been a dday?

 

If so, then its miraculous to see both families still so enmeshed. I will work on the assumption the A is still secret. Obviously, if I'm wrong - disregard all I say!

 

If not, then the question for you is simple. Why risk what is oh-so-rare, and frankly beautiful, for an A? Why choose to hang the sword of damocles over your head. But not just YOUR head, everyone's really. Why risk the collateral damage to everyone?

 

Ultimately, to me, that's what YOU need to answer.

 

He's not able to show his wife one side and me another.. It's actually the other way around.. Because his wife tells me if he's being loving and sweet or if he's being an angry jerk.. And I am positive my husband confides much of the same information to him.

 

Yikes. What a mess. I get that surface of this lake looks fine and smooth - but its a torrent beneath said surface. So much potential destruction. I mean, much more than has already been wrought.

 

All that.. Makes me feel worse. I know it's horrible. They are my friends and I love them and want them to succeed in their marriage and I want their children to be happy just like I want those things for my family.

 

This does not, in any way, align with your actions. Like I said above, if you love them then why do this to them? And that's not even mentioning what you did to YOURSELF.

 

This might not be unique to you, but to me, in my life.. It's special and it's one of a kind but it was wrong and a huge mistake and we have risked so much.

 

No - its unique. Which makes it all the more damaging.

That doesn't discount our love for one another.

 

Sure it does. Because, and I don't say this to "pick a fight" but rather to prove a point, you don't love him enough. To leave. To be open. To be honest with all. To pick HIM above all others. To make a choice. To END the A. Lets face it - as long as you remain as you are in the situation you are, its going to be nigh impossible to unravel this. To truly exit the A. To whit - do you love him like a friend or like an AP? Can you tell the difference between the love of friends and of lovers? How? As long as there is love, the A perisits. The danger real. Your future uncertain.

 

It doesn't mean we didn't have a real connection , it just means, real love, real connection, or not.. It has to end, and it never should have started.

 

Non-sequitur. If its a real and true love then why should it have never started? Your answer: I'm not his W. Which leads to why "why water those seeds". To which the answer is "are families are SO close (and they clearly are) this was a probable outcome". And we are back at the only question that matters: WHY?

 

All human behavior is traced to opportunity and will. The bit about opportunity is easy. Its the "will" that is harder.

 

Sometimes I think when that advice is given here .. That the connection isn't real and it's just part of the 'fog' is spot on. I just don't think it applies to me. It's not going to help me get over it by thinking that because it just doesn't fit with my situation.

 

Methinks that is the case here. You will deny it - and cite how close and open you are. Except you two pulled off an A so secrets exist. Do not be so certain...

 

I hope this ends well for you.

[DKT3]

I re-arranged what you wrote a bit - specifically moving one sentence, the last of my quote, from its original position to the last. I do this for emphasis. --editor's note.

 

...and you are right, there are precious few A's where the families are so deeply intertwined. It requires years of the families being exposed to one another, shared experiences both good and bad to form such strong ties. It is a fantastic display of how families, no people, can open up be vulnerable and discover and experience new heights of human interaction.

 

Its a lie of course. Tainted by a multi-threaded deception. With two deceiving all. I did, I promise, flip through some of your previous posts, but never read - has there been a dday?

 

If so, then its miraculous to see both families still so enmeshed. I will work on the assumption the A is still secret. Obviously, if I'm wrong - disregard all I say!

 

If not, then the question for you is simple. Why risk what is oh-so-rare, and frankly beautiful, for an A? Why choose to hang the sword of damocles over your head. But not just YOUR head, everyone's really. Why risk the collateral damage to everyone?

 

Ultimately, to me, that's what YOU need to answer.

 

 

 

Yikes. What a mess. I get that surface of this lake looks fine and smooth - but its a torrent beneath said surface. So much potential destruction. I mean, much more than has already been wrought.

 

 

 

This does not, in any way, align with your actions. Like I said above, if you love them then why do this to them? And that's not even mentioning what you did to YOURSELF.

 

 

 

No - its unique. Which makes it all the more damaging.

 

 

Sure it does. Because, and I don't say this to "pick a fight" but rather to prove a point, you don't love him enough. To leave. To be open. To be honest with all. To pick HIM above all others. To make a choice. To END the A. Lets face it - as long as you remain as you are in the situation you are, its going to be nigh impossible to unravel this. To truly exit the A. To whit - do you love him like a friend or like an AP? Can you tell the difference between the love of friends and of lovers? How? As long as there is love, the A perisits. The danger real. Your future uncertain.

 

 

 

Non-sequitur. If its a real and true love then why should it have never started? Your answer: I'm not his W. Which leads to why "why water those seeds". To which the answer is "are families are SO close (and they clearly are) this was a probable outcome". And we are back at the only question that matters: WHY?

 

All human behavior is traced to opportunity and will. The bit about opportunity is easy. Its the "will" that is harder.

 

 

 

Methinks that is the case here. You will deny it - and cite how close and open you are. Except you two pulled off an A so secrets exist. Do not be so certain...

 

I hope this ends well for you.

 

Great points.

 

When logic is used when one is still involved, wants to be involved or thinks maintaining a relationship on any level with the AP is a good idea, it falls short of the target. When there is no DDay and the betrayed are in the dark the damage is minimized in the minds of those causing it.

 

When faced with facts (hard numbers) or stories that end horribly then its my situation is different. No one understands.

 

All I can say, is when the smoke clears and the blinders come off, once the damage is realized and one has to face the pain and anger of those betrayed, then and only then can it be understood that the story wasn't so different, that those who warned did understand.

 

Until that point is reached its like standing at the base of the mountain throwing rocks to the top. Simply doesn't reach its mark.

[frogss29]

DKT3

 

These words are the wisest I have read for many months and is such a healing sentence for me

"When there is no DDay and the betrayed are in the dark the damage is minimized in the minds of those causing it."

This is EXACTLY what my husband said but i couldn't believe/understand it.

But it makes sense now!!!

Because our families had been such close friends and I had distanced myself from them for what I now see as self preservation, there really were no boundaries. And the lines were so blurred with friendship that things progressed WAY more than they should have.

But my husband , for some insane reason, felt that what I didn't know couldn't hurt me.

What utter rubbish!!

Our marriage was good and strong (I thought!) but imagine how incredible it could have been for all those years if the energy invested into another person was put into US!

But, reading that line makes me see that in some deluded state he just didn't see things clearly.

So, THANK YOU .

[Spark1111]

NEWSFLASH: My H was moody and depressed BEFORE his affair.

 

I grew resentful and distanced myself from him. I begged for counseling. he refused to go.

 

three kids, a home, a business, mounting debt.....I just thought it takes two dammit! help me out here......and if you can't, I guess I go it alone. Grew harder, less patient, less tolerant, but made it all work and thrive.

 

he crashed into her and she had NO IDEA what a ghost spouse, ghost dad I had been living with....

 

OP, be careful here. How HE is with you MAY NOT be anything like he is at home with her!

 

And the reasons may lie within himself and what he doesn't give, nor communicate to her.

 

he may be a great boss and a great AP. He may be a lousy spouse and dad at home.

 

SHE may be sick and tired and resentful of what he does not give behind their closed doors...

 

....just saying....

[LaylaSings]

Not sure what everyone is going on about:

I have been working towards ending my affair and have had one setback in almost 3 months.

I've called myself every name in the book, I don't need anyone to reinforce the things I know.

I know though that we were really good friends and by slowly revealing more we found out we had lived very parallel lives. Not to mention we we very alike in ways that stood out to our mutual friends and our spouses. We tried to nurture the friendship way beyond where we should have and a lot of crazy things started happening around us and he was there for me. It was a mistake and it made my situation way worse rather than better.

 

I have not contacted him despite wanting to very bad, since the end of January.. But I did respond when he messaged me. I'm trying to get past this.

Someone even said they were shocked I didn't feel the same as my OM and he's obviously depressed. I am certain I'm feeling many of the same things and some different.

I've learned to cope alone for the most part and he seems to be having trouble. But I'm not beyond feeling guilty. I've already talked about the nightmares and panic attacks. Ive been prescribed a sedative since this all started even.

It was attributed to huge event in my life though and rug swept.

 

Maybe we wernt meant to be together. I have said all along I don't believe we're 'soul mates' but instead we grew together learned together and lost together and we shared a lot in between, before, during and after the affair. We did not profess our love to each other we just always tried to show it, and remain friends first. It was 90 percent non sexual. But obviously it was physical and that changed everything way to much.

[Striver]

Isn't it emotionally/mentally exhausting keeping all the characters, their motives, the conjectures, who knows what, where is so and so, what does that mean, past histories, being the go-to person to disclose feelings/speculation/talking behind the back of the other 3?

 

Do you ever take a break from all of this? Do you enjoy being the linchpin of the four of you? Wouldn't it be great....to just be concerned/spend emotional energy for yourself and yours? How do you not get depleted?

 

To me, it seems like a way to continue the intrigue and excitement of the A without the A. The constant monitoring of the moods of the OM, what his marriage is like, what BW doesn't know about OM, how OP is still great friends with BW, etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile, M and BH get hardly a mention.

 

I don't see the difference pre-A and post-A. Maybe OP sees the OM's flaws, but the depiction still sounds rosy-hued.

 

My own M is 8 years running and I am lucky enough to have the love only deepen over time. I knew when I met my W that I couldn't let her get away, though I admired her before I loved her. So I never really had a rosy view of her, though I want to more and more. I'm also blessed, I guess, in that flirting is work for me and I don't do it unless I'm shopping for a partner.

 

Anyway, best of luck to OP and I hope she can start moving forward with her life.

[violet1]

Layla,

 

I think jw had a lot of great points. The relationship you and your H have with this other family is truly rare, precious and amazing. They are more like family than friends. My brother and his wife have a very close friendship with 2 other families. They all get together weekly, do things with the kids, go shopping, vacations together, etc. Their kids call the other adults aunt and uncle. My H and I never had a close friendship with another couple like that. I have a little jealousy towards their tight knit friendships.

 

You need to do everything in your power to protect this friendship. Meaning you can't worry about what's going on with the MM. Especially if you believe it's concerning the end of the A. If you want to be successful at ending the A and continue the friendship than you have no choice than to change your perception of the OM. You say they are like family. Well start looking at the MM like he's your big brother. Think of your best friend as your blood sister. You are going to have to turn off any romantic feelings you have for him. I know it's hard, but you're going to have to be strong because it's likely you will get another text from him in the future. You have to tell him no if he wants to meet in private again.

 

You can't change the past. In your case, history doesn't have to repeat itself. You already stated that affair was wrong. This is my question. Before any type of EA or PA started with this man, how did you react if he was depressed or upset? Did you obsess over him like you are now? These are questions that might help you find a way to turn the friendship back to a pure platonic relationship.

 

I really do hope this ends well for you. I hope you realize how lucky you are to have such a close relationship with this other family. Ask yourself if having an A is worth the risk of losing everything. Is it worth your kids potentially losing the bond they have developed with this other family? I'm currently working on changing my perspective too because I recently broke NC after 2 months. I'm also asking myself if it's worth the risk.

[Friskyone4u]

And you actually think that when your husband finds out about this, and he will, especially if you continue like you are now, that there is any chance he is going to accept you still being friends with a guy he thought was his friend who is screwing his wife. Are you kidding me? I agree with the poster who said you are looking for a reason to start this up again .

At some point you are most likely going to get a very unpleasant surprise.

[seren]

Hi Layla,

I don't post too often on LS these days, too busy getting on with life, but I read your post and it seemed to me that the only way any of you will be able to move along is if you disentangle your lives. I know I am stating the obvious and I know it isn't so easy. But, your lives are so intermingles, I cannot imagine the betrayal his wife will feel when she finds out that her best friend who has been trusted with her children and thoughts has been having an A with her husband. I also cannot imagine how you will feel losing this connection also, I think that if and when this happens the resulting hurricane of emotions will engulf you all, most of all the children. I cannot see how 'just' ending the intimacy of your relationship with the MM will mean all can go back to before, it would be impossible for it to be so.

 

The MM may very well be depressed, how can he not be. How can you not be feeling like you are all living on a tightrope, I imagine you do. The level of compartmentalising relationships is staggering, not just you and your H, but he and his wife and the children. If you and he are in love and meant to be, then both leave. It is simple, for sure it means huge upheaval in the beginning, but far better for you all to end this mess and make new starts. People divorce all the time, businesses dissolve every day and, I am loathe to call this a friendship, friends don't so this, but friendships too end. It would be hard, it would require a lot of courage, but at the moment it just seems like a huge recipe for disaster.

 

In any relationships we only know who a person is by their relationship to us, I was with my H for over 23 years when he had an A and I would have fought to the death in my belief I knew him, the OW was convinced she knew the 'real him'. What she said about him was nothing like the man I had known and loved, we all have different relationships with people, you know him as he presents to you and she how he presents to her. That he is depressed sounds like he is conflicted and the close relationships you all have cannot help. I hope it all works out for you all, but, I cannot see it doing so without a complete severing of the ties you all share. Anything else is just very effed up.

[LaylaSings]

I really feel like he can sense when I'm thinking about him .. Whenever I'm obsessing and I end up coming here to post he finds some way to get a hold of me.

 

Before anyone attacks me, I did not respond.

 

Read an email last night, that he actually sent a few days ago but I don't check it very often and he's only ever emailed maybe once before so it was really unexpected.

 

He said he's trying to hide it but he's been miserable since the last time we were together.. Which was at the end of march, we broke the no personal contact at the end of march after ending things at the end of January. He had texted me to meet him, I did.. We had sex. At the time it was like a burst of energy and made both of is feel so fulfilled finally having been together after a couple months convincing ourselves we never would again.

But I quickly felt incredibly guilty about it and went back to very low contact. I thought he did too because he started pulling away from everyone, his wife and me and my husband included.. He just got very 'busy' and could never keep plans with us, was angry and snapping at his wife, she told me about it several times and even my husband said he wasn't being himself.

 

Honestly I didn't know if my presence was making him feel worse or if the low contact and wondering what I was thinking was making it worse.

Sometimes I get scared that he'll expose the affair if he gets really depressed about it.. He's assured me this will never happen but it's a fear I have and I always get a strong urge to make sure he knows I care both because I care about his feeling way to much and also because I want to cover our asses.. (Being as honest as I can)

 

I stuck to no contact, posting here instead which I'm going to admit is really hard because I really just want a friend to talk to and I get beat up here, but at least I'm not just going over and over it in my head alone.

 

His email.. I should just post it word for word.. But basically it says that seeing me, right now, it physically painful for him. And being away is physically painful. So he's hurting and just trying to cope with it. He wants in the long run to feel great around me again but that if I still want the affair to be over, he just needs a little space for a while.

 

In our current work and living arrangement that's very hard but he says we don't need to change anything, just continue as we have been for the last few weeks since the slip up. He will remain busy with side projects and won't be able to make family dinners and that kind of thing. He thinks he just needs a couple more weeks of space and that he doesn't want me to think he upset with me.

 

He says .. He loves his wife and he knows I love my husband and we have to make that work for the kids. He says if it hadn't been for me he never would have known how he could really feel about someone and it just made every problem at home he has, or any little flaw she has seem huge and he can't shake it. He says he knows what he can have and now he can't have it, he says that's ok.. That he understand why I needed to end it and he respects me for it, but it made his feelings stronger and he feels like he has to learn to be happy at home again.

 

He said in about three different ways that if I could just continue with him and we could try to control our feelings that's what he wants, but if I can't then he just needs a couple weeks to cool down. He asked me to get back to him if I've changed my mind and he'd be waiting.

 

I've been a mess all day. Can't stop crying.

[LaylaSings]

I love you and I love her and I know you love him so it's so ****ed up in my head. I should have been with you, but I'm not, and I shouldn't love her if I love you but I do. Every time she says or does something that I think you would say or do different I get mad at her. Some days I miss us so much and other days I think if we never did this then I wouldn't be unhappy now because back before you I thought I was happy, now I know I wasn't and it's gotta be like this forever now.

[spookysonata]

Layla, what is it that you want? Actual advice? An ear to vent into? Honestly, it's hard to know, because nothing seems to have changed since you first posted about this.

 

How do you see this ending? What do you think will happen if the affair is exposed? What do YOU want?

[LaylaSings]

There's more but that's the gist. I think it is relevant that we never really said 'I love you' until we tried to break up

[LaylaSings]

Layla, what is it that you want? Actual advice? An ear to vent into? Honestly, it's hard to know, because nothing seems to have changed since you first posted about this.

 

How do you see this ending? What do you think will happen if the affair is exposed? What do YOU want?

 

Just to get the thoughts out of my head. I have no other way to do that without some feedback. I don't like getting told how terrible I am over and over here simply because I know it! I admit it was completely wrong to do what I did, I'm just trying to end it now and keep my sanity and not hurt anyone else anymore than I already did.

 

Basically before I started posting here I couldn't keep myself from texting or calling him, now I can. So I post here.

[spookysonata]

How do you see this resolving? What is your mental picture of a satisfactory ending to all this?