Trading spouses

[LaylaSings]

How do you see this resolving? What is your mental picture of a satisfactory ending to all this?

 

I want us to just be friends. I want to think of him as my friends husband and nothing more.. A family friend. They are all basically family.. I want to not feel sexual tension for my friends husband, and I want to just remain how we were without our personal private talking and obviously sex.. I want the affair to be over, and to just be friends.

I know we can't be friends like we were before, just me and him, but I mean our families as a whole.

 

They used to be here for dinners three to four times a week, and we will be vacationing as a family this summer too.. I just want that.. Without the extra.. And without the guilt and worry.

[spookysonata]

got it. What happens if that isn't possible?

[Sub]

I think it would be easier for him if he saw how committed you were to your H. Like, TRULY committed. (If you are indeed committed to a future with him.) It would be a more subtle and natural form of rejection. He can say he knows you love your H all he wants, but I think it's disingenuous. If he did, he wouldn't lay all those feelings at your feet. It's not very fair, IMO.

[spookysonata]

Was it like that before the affair? If so, why was that not enough then?

[frogss29]

How many ex boyfriends do you still see, on a regular basis? How many are you super close to, but have no sexual feelings/memories?

I am figuring none.

You can't go back in time to a place where you were just friends.

I understand you are going through a really tough time.

But this is NOTHING compared to what is going to happen.

This will be a piece of cake.

[eye of the storm]

Layla, I am not anti OW/OM cause I am one, I am understanding of BSs because I was one. I mainly advocate taking responsibility for your part in it and dealing with that and not with the other persons part. I feel that is theirs to deal with.

 

It sounds like you know you messed up and are trying to get out of a bad situation. That is great. Keep working on it.

 

But, I can shed some light on your friend's perspective. Because the OW in my marriage was my best friend. Was being the key word. I am not angry with her sleeping with him anymore. I actually got over that pretty quickly. I still, 5 years later, hate her for pretending to be my friend during the worst part of my life. letting me cry on her shoulder while he was packing to go to her, giving me advice on how to save my marriage while he was asleep in her bed. I do my best to forgive her. I am still working on it. I no longer waste my free time fantasizing about how to kill her or hoping bad things happen to her so I consider that as progress. During my normal day, I actually go weeks and not think of her anymore. but when she is brought up by someone, all the same pain and embarrassment washes over me. This progress is thanks to IC and lots of Prozac. And yes, I am still striving to be as indifferent to her as I am now to my ExH.

 

We were all friends, our families were entwined too. They were friends for years, shared vacations, cookouts, our kids were on the same teams so constant interaction almost every day. After the blow up, most wives shunned her. she could clear a table just by walking up to it to say hi. My ExH got a lot of the same but not as bad, the men just tried to act normal but you could tell how awkward it was for them. It took about 2 years for everyone around us to start acting "normal" She is still not as welcome with a lot of people. The person I was wants to feel bad for her. The person I am now, feels she is getting what she deserves.

 

They are no longer together, I guess it was more fun when they had the rush of cheating, the excitement of pulling the wool over everyone's eyes, the lack of real world issues (bills and such).

 

Some posters equate As with addiction. the rush, the risks, the lies to protect it, the denial of what will happen... Maybe you should treat it like an addiction, admit you have a problem, get help, and then stop it.

 

Next time you weaken, look at your friend. Picture her praying for your death and teaching her children to hate you. Is he worth that to you?

 

I agree with Sub, the best thing to do is really really commit to your H. If you cant do that then divorce is best for everyone.

 

Next time OM approaches you, and he will. Tell him to get therapy, get drugs, or get a divorce. He is punishing his BS for not being you. He is punishing your BS (being busy and withdrawing) for having you.

 

You need to do the same. If you cry for him all day, this is a horrific car crash waiting to happen.

 

Eventually, your H and his W will start adding 2+2 and nobody will like the answer that comes up.

 

I hope my history is not your future. But if you play the odds....they are not in your favor. Good luck and find peace.

[LaylaSings]

How many ex boyfriends do you still see, on a regular basis? How many are you super close to, but have no sexual feelings/memories?

I am figuring none.

You can't go back in time to a place where you were just friends.

I understand you are going through a really tough time.

But this is NOTHING compared to what is going to happen.

This will be a piece of cake.

 

Three.

Considering I've only had three boy friends before my husband and only one that was real serious, more than a few years but the other two seemed a big deal at the time too.. We're still friends, openly, and have never ever crossed the line after break up and my husband knows exactly who they are. I live in a town with less than a thousand people it's not unheard of here. You can't avoid people, you can adapt.

[LaylaSings]

Was it like that before the affair? If so, why was that not enough then?

 

It was enough and I wish I could go back.

The relationship developed over a couple years and in those years we lost three people to pretty tragic circumstances and it was a really emotional time. He tried to help me through it when my husband and his wife were unable to relate and we overstepped boundaries in a huge way. We had already been friends for years and just never expected to do what we did

[gettingstronger]

I still, 5 years later, hate her for pretending to be my friend during the worst part of my life. letting me cry on her shoulder while he was packing to go to her, giving me advice on how to save my marriage while he was asleep in her bed. I do my best to forgive her. I am still working on it.

 

 

This in a nutshell is what I see happening in this situation- you verbalized it so well! I can identify as a BS-its the betrayal from someone you trusted that stings the most-the hardest to get over-the ability for someone to look in you in the eye and deceive you that sticks with you-

[LaylaSings]

No setbacks since mid march on ending the affair. I miss him every day still even though he's a stones throw away.

Spent the entire weekend together as families for Easter and have to say, he behaves differently towards me daily. It's killing me, I want to not over analyze but I can't help it.

 

He will act completely indifferent to me one day.. The next say almost hurtful things, but in a very subtle way.. An example would be bringing up other women in my presence in a sexual way, something he never would have done before.. Almost like he's trying to make me feel insecure or signal to me he's over me.. And then the next day he's sending me compliments via text (which I don't respond too) or talking about me in glowing terms to people he knows will relay the info.

 

I know I'm over thinking. I've just never imagined he would try and manipulate me and I'm kind of getting the impression that's what he's doing. Seems so deliberate.

 

Maybe he's grieving the end of the affair, he's made clear he doesn't want it to be over, or is he playing head games with me. No matter what it is, it's hurtful and I'm trying to ignore it, with no luck.

[txgrl]

'Head games' alert!

[eye of the storm]

LaylaSings, complete head games.

 

Stand firm, just like with your kids if you pay attention to his tantrum and sulks you encourage the behavior. Right now he doesn't care if its good attention or bad attention, he just wants attention.

 

Stand firm, be at peace with your decision, and keep working.

 

You will be fine. In time. But you will be fine.

[LaylaSings]

So we are not literally trading spouses but sometimes feels like it.

 

My husband and my friend (OM's wife) share a common interest and travel together to participate in it once every few weeks .. and starting this week, on her arrangement, me and her husband will now be spending one to two nights a week together as well, with kids involved, because she is unable to make it and my husband can't make it work with his schedule either.

 

If you know my story, you know we are in a weird place. We tried to go cold turkey and end the emotional and physical aspects of the affair a few months ago but slipped back into it in march.. We've flirted a tiny bit, but really nothing major. We haven't been alone for more than a few minutes at a time and we have stopped texting for the most part.. Save for a small inappropriate exchange we had last week, which I immediately felt guilty after.

Now though, we'll be alone for about 4-5 hours once or twice a week. For the next few months.

 

I'm a grown woman but I act like a love sick teenager when alone with this guy lately. I avoid those situations because I can't hide it.

 

I need an injection of strength and confidence to just stay focused and treat him like any other friend or relative or I feel like everything will start up again.

 

The most difficult issue at this moment for me, is I'm excited that things might start back up, I want them too. So I know I'm not thinking straight.

[spookysonata]

How would you feel if you discovered that they were having their own affair?

I'm not saying they are, but you did title your post Trading Spouses. I'm curious what your reaction would be.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm curious as to why you think they're not? Traveling together for a hobby, and the other spouses are happy to stay home with the kids. I think your title might be dead on. Everyone might be happier, accept the kids, that would be confusing for them I would think!

[central]

I'm not entirely clear on the situation. Are you saying that you spend a great deal of time with the other husband and like him? And that your husband has more in common with this man's wife than with you and spends a great deal of time with her, including travel for a shared hobby?

 

How would it be if you actually DID trade spouses? It's a strange idea, perhaps, but it seems like it could work out for all four of you.

 

Surprisingly, we recently met a couple who have done exactly this. They were far more compatible with each other's spouses than their own, so paired off that way, while still remaining married to their original partner, and sharing their homes, spending most of their free time together, even traveling together - and have done so for well over 20 years! they don't have sex with their original spouses, either - they have completely traded off in that regard.

 

Their kids and parents do not know - they go with their own original spouse to any family functions (the other pair sometimes go as well to more open gatherings, since they are inseparable friends)

[Owl]

OK, I'm not clear and don't remember your situation entirely. Have you told MOM that it's over, the affair is 'officially' ended?

 

If not...then he's planning on some fun while he's there. And you lack the willpower to say otherwise, I'm betting.

 

You want to avoid doing further anything him? Then it's simple...do NOT spend that time together.

 

Why SHOULD you spend that time together, if you're married to someone else??? He should stay in his home, you in yours. Why can't that happen?

[William]

Request from moderation: Noting multiple thread merges on this similar topic, we are requesting updates to this issue being posted in this running topic on the issue. This respects our prohibitions on cross-posting and posting of similar threads guidelines. Thanks and please continue!

[violet1]

So we are not literally trading spouses but sometimes feels like it.

 

My husband and my friend (OM's wife) share a common interest and travel together to participate in it once every few weeks .. and starting this week, on her arrangement, me and her husband will now be spending one to two nights a week together as well, with kids involved, because she is unable to make it and my husband can't make it work with his schedule either.

 

If you know my story, you know we are in a weird place. We tried to go cold turkey and end the emotional and physical aspects of the affair a few months ago but slipped back into it in march.. We've flirted a tiny bit, but really nothing major. We haven't been alone for more than a few minutes at a time and we have stopped texting for the most part.. Save for a small inappropriate exchange we had last week, which I immediately felt guilty after.

Now though, we'll be alone for about 4-5 hours once or twice a week. For the next few months.

 

I'm a grown woman but I act like a love sick teenager when alone with this guy lately. I avoid those situations because I can't hide it.

 

I need an injection of strength and confidence to just stay focused and treat him like any other friend or relative or I feel like everything will start up again.

 

The most difficult issue at this moment for me, is I'm excited that things might start back up, I want them too. So I know I'm not thinking straight.

If you are serious about ending the A, you are going to have to change your train of thought. What are the reasons you want to end your A? If it's only because of guilt than I'm afraid you won't be successful. Every time I tried to end the A because I felt guilty, I was never successful. It took me having 2 D Days to finally pull my head out. Now if I start to think about breaking NC, I think about what I really want in my life. I want to make my M work. I want to grow old with my H. I want us to accomplish the things we've always dreamed of. None of this will be possible if I fall back into my A again. I've been reading the book Women's Infidelity and it has helped me a lot. Seriously Layla, if you hold onto to any hope of rekindling the A than it will be damn near impossible to stop. It took my awhile, but I let go of all desire to start back up again. It's not even about hurting anyone. I just want to live and honest and happy life. It's impossible to live the way I WANT if I cheat. You need to seriously sit down and think about what you want in your life. Once you know for sure what you want everything seems to fall in place. At least it did for me. Best wishes to you.

[LaylaSings]

My husband and his wife are friends only. I think by now I'd sense some sexual tension between them if there was.. But who knows for sure I'm not saying it's not possible since it was that I did.. Just in our situation, unlikely. Where me and his are concerned, people have pointed out our likenesses repeatedly, including our spouses and we are attracted to each other as well. Our spouses are friends. I don't think they have ever considered crossing the line.

 

So we won't ever actually consider 'trading spouses'

 

I love my husband.

 

I'm in love with my friends husband though. I don't want it to be over because I am addicted to him and can't get enough, buy I DO want it to be done because, it would rock so many worlds if we were caught. That and I can't handle the guilt and the drama in my head..

[LaylaSings]

.. He texted me today. I immediately responded. It was about the kids at first and then he flirted a bit and we joked around.. Then I said what are we doing? Is this on again or off?

He said he thought it had always been on, with a break. He said nobody would get hurt if we didn't get as intense again. We were always careful.

I said I wasn't worried about getting caught in the act, but caught by a stolen glance that was seen, or by whispers in my sleep..

He told me not to worry. Saw him later when I dropped something off. Be smiled his beautiful smile and I just feel like I wish things were different, but they aren't. I don't even know who I am anymore some days.

[LaylaSings]

OK, I'm not clear and don't remember your situation entirely. Have you told MOM that it's over, the affair is 'officially' ended?

 

If not...then he's planning on some fun while he's there. And you lack the willpower to say otherwise, I'm betting.

 

You want to avoid doing further anything him? Then it's simple...do NOT spend that time together.

 

Why SHOULD you spend that time together, if you're married to someone else??? He should stay in his home, you in yours. Why can't that happen?

 

No, we had an official talk about ending it in January but then fell back in. It's been two months though since then with fairly low contact between us.

 

And my issue is that I DO want to spend time with him.

I care about him and his whole family. I just want to keep it appropriate.

We are doing this for the kids.. Have went three times already and it's been good, nothing but a few little comments and he's definitely not planning anything with the kids there.

[LaylaSings]

I'm curious as to why you think they're not?!

 

They've both talked separately about not finding each other physically attractive, as well as they are not each other's type.. At all. That sounds strange maybe, but me and her husband are very alike and both of them are attracted to people like us.

Going by my gut I don't think they are or ever would be interested in that with each other although I recognize the possibility and honestly although I could foresee one of them possibly being unfaithful at and point .. I don't think they would with each other, especially while married to us.

 

I think me and her husband are more.. Damaged, and alike, and able to cross that line.. If that makes sense.

[SolG]

Hi Layla :-) Every time I read one of your threads it reminds me of the Wayne Carey affair - a high profile case of infidelity in Australia where a footballer had an affair with the wife of one of his best friend's (also a footballer). It did not end well. Here is an article on it: Wayne Carey: How the affair began | News.com.au

 

While it is not the same as your circumstances, it is similar enough to illustrate the carnage that can be left in the wake of such an affair.

 

I'm an OW myself, and I completely understand the intensity of emotion. However, I can not even begin to imagine what it must be like to deal with such proximity to the MM (xMM?) and BS except to say it must be excruciating.

 

You need to stay the course if you want to avoid tragedy and disconnect emotionally from MM and reconnect with your H. If you can't avoid proximity physically, you need to build distance in you mind and heart. Are you able to seek IC to assist? I think it would help.

[LaylaSings]

I've been in and out of IC for about 6 months. It's not helping me get over him but maybe helping me understand how I fell into the trap in the first place.

 

I haven't seen OM in a week.. Which is unheard of but we've all been busy. Last thing he messaged me was about 5 days ago that he thought I looked good that day... Must have seen me when I didn't see him, which does happen often.

 

But nothing since and I haven't messaged him either.

 

His wife keeps me updated on his moods and I wish she wouldn't because I over analyze every time!