2sunny Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 No one can help you when you won't help yourself to change everything. I'd bet money your H is doing his wife too... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 No one can help you when you won't help yourself to change everything. I'd bet money your H is doing his wife too... Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if her H and the MM's W were having an A. I think when families are so emotionally intertwined like the OP's, it can be very difficult to not become attracted to the other spouse. If both couples are spending time apart with the other spouses the way the OP describes, an A is bound to happen. Strict boundaries really are necessary to help prevent infidelity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Layla, how would you feel to find out that the BS's aren't just that, but are involved? I ask this because it seems common that many WS's find it hard to believe that the BS would or could also have an affair. It speaks to their ego and the idea that the BS is some how lesser in term of sexuality and attractiveness. A lowered sexual rank if you will. You say they share a connection and other think its possible, just as they don't see what you guys are doing, maybe its more that they do and don't really care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 We have been trying to go low contact and end our affair since the end of January but made a big step back mid march.. We have been trying hard again to move on and focus on our work, marriages and kids, but he's become increasingly sad and I'm not the only one who sees it. My husband and his wife have pointed out his off behaviour several times the last few weeks. He says he's fine. It's obvious he's not and I feel horrible for him. It's hard to focus on anything else. It's very hard not to reach out and try and cheer him up, but I haven't. It's killing me not to. There is no such thing as LC. As long as any contact. Even indirect contact continues the affair is not over for the addictive feelings for the AP will not end. All four of you must go NC. Including kids if they are friends as well. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 No contact would be horrible to deal with but maybe in the end it would have been easier to move on. I do recognize that. In our situation though, we own a business as partners.. I take care of their children daily and our lives are very intertwined. Without confessing, which we are not going to do no contact isn't even possible, but as it stands we've only seen each other twice in two weeks! That's barely anything if you consider we share a business and a yard. You must tell the BH and BW, sell the business and go NC. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 I am not looking for a reason to restart the affair. If I wanted to restart anything Id just have to call and ask him to meet me, he would in a heart beat and we both know that. You can not restart the affair because without NC you have never ended it. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 I truly do want to end the affair but not the friendship. You had what you wanted. The affair. Now you have the consequences. Once you banged the OM you ended the friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 I think you are wrong about my situation. You are looking at it as if it's an affair where we only present our best sides and know little of one another's true natures? No you are wrong. You justified having an affair. You presented your best sides while knocking your spouses to justify your affair. You must go NC. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 I don't think I'm special or the exception to anything but I KNOW that my situation is very different than what you have probably read about for the most part. It's not an affair where we set out looking for something, it's not an affair where we live in compartments and don't see each other day to day.. There are probably thousand of other people just like us. I know that. We have seen every side to each other over the years, there's no getting around that. We own a joint vehicle for travel and vacations .. I sing his children lullabies and brush their teeth and change their diapers. I'm as involved in his family life as he is in mine.. Picking up groceries for one another, school and baseball trips, we have cried together at funerals, danced together at weddings. I'm not saying this for any reason other than to say.. This is not an 'affair fog' and I am not reaching for a connection that isn't there. He's not able to show his wife one side and me another.. It's actually the other way around.. Because his wife tells me if he's being loving and sweet or if he's being an angry jerk.. And I am positive my husband confides much of the same information to him. All that.. Makes me feel worse. I know it's horrible. They are my friends and I love them and want them to succeed in their marriage and I want their children to be happy just like I want those things for my family. This might not be unique to you, but to me, in my life.. It's special and it's one of a kind but it was wrong and a huge mistake and we have risked so much. That doesn't discount our love for one another. It doesn't mean we didn't have a real connection , it just means, real love, real connection, or not.. It has to end, and it never should have started. Sometimes I think when that advice is given here .. That the connection isn't real and it's just part of the 'fog' is spot on. I just don't think it applies to me. It's not going to help me get over it by thinking that because it just doesn't fit with my situation. It's not bad advice, it's just not the right advice here in my opinion. I came out of the fog months and months ago and everything has been crystal clear and very painful. You do not love the BW or her kids. You would not of banged the OM if you did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 Honestly Ive tried to explain why I don't believe they are having an affair.. It's not because I think them less attractive than me and OM or less worthy.. At all. They are not each other's types as far as sexual attraction goes. At this stage finding out they were in an affair too would hurt because I'd be finding out they weren't who I thought they were but I'd almost be relieved.. I'm more in love with the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
littlemermaid Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Honestly Ive tried to explain why I don't believe they are having an affair.. It's not because I think them less attractive than me and OM or less worthy.. At all. They are not each other's types as far as sexual attraction goes. At this stage finding out they were in an affair too would hurt because I'd be finding out they weren't who I thought they were but I'd almost be relieved.. I'm more in love with the OM. sorry Layla, I sympathize with your situation more than most because it's the shoes I would have been walking in if my xMOM could have borne the guilt, but he couldn't do it. But to say, that you are so sure that they aren't having an affair because they are not each other's types as far as sexual attraction goes is just SILLY. Someone doesn't have to be someone else's "type" for attraction to grow and an A to happen. My xMOM and I are a perfect example of that. I have known him for years, and he's not my type at ALL. He's of a type that I actually find so unattractive normally as to be laughable. And I never even really gave him a second glance for YEARS...but something changed, slowly and without me realizing it...and he became irresistibly attractive to me and still is. My husband would laugh his ass off if anyone ever suggested that I might be attracted to xMOM, because its outside the realm of possibility for him. Except, I am and he doesn't know it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Honestly Ive tried to explain why I don't believe they are having an affair.. It's not because I think them less attractive than me and OM or less worthy.. At all. They are not each other's types as far as sexual attraction goes. At this stage finding out they were in an affair too would hurt because I'd be finding out they weren't who I thought they were but I'd almost be relieved.. I'm more in love with the OM. Layla, I don't honestly get why you are staying with your H. You're more in love with the MM? In another thread I remember you saying you are all in your 20's. The 20's are the good years. Why are you wasting the best years of your H's life? This is a serious question. It's obvious you are not IN love with him. It's also obvious you are NEVER going to stop your A. I actually hope you get caught so your H and your friend can find partners who are truly in love with them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Honestly violet, you don't have to ask why. Obviously staying is much better for Layla, her affair is in control, both of them can still enjoy loving each other and she has a good loving husband. Easier to maintain on this balance than choosing any other way. Link to post Share on other sites
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