Thoughts needed on a sketchy situation

[damien201]

I've been dating a girl for about 8 months now. Things have gotten progressively more serious and we're at the point where we've begun discussing long term plans for the future. We've met each others families and friends, and we spend almost every night together (though we aren't living together yet). I'm 25 and she's 27.

 

About a month and a half ago, she said she wanted to go on vacation. I couldn't afford to go, but wasn't opposed to her going alone, which she decided to do. Ultimately, she decided to go on a week long trip half way across the country.

 

She said she'd be staying with a friend she had met in college named Dan. In this same conversation she revealed, without my questioning, that Dan had a girlfriend who also lived with him. At the time I didn't think much of it, and almost completely forgot about the trip all together until about two weeks ago when she asked me to drive her to the airport.

 

One night, several days before I brought her to the airport, I got curious and decided to investigate Dan on Facebook. I found pictures from several years ago of him with my girlfriend - the nature of their relationship is still unclear to me at this point but it's quite obvious that they were at least dating. I have not revealed to my girlfriend that I have discovered these pictures at this point in time.

 

I should also add that I found absolutely no evidence that Dan was dating anyone.

 

While I was at her house the night before bringing her to the airport, talk of her vacation came up naturally. I casually asked, "so who is this Dan guy? How do you know each other?" She paused momentarily and said, "Dan's been my friend forever." After that I said "you mentioned he has a girlfriend right?" She became somewhat defensive and said "you're not going to get weird about this are you?" I didn't inquire anymore about it and let the conversation change paths.

 

 

 

So now she's been gone all week and I've been driving myself crazy thinking about the situation. I'm bothered that she wasn't forthright about the nature of her relationship with Dan. I'm bothered that this is something I should be expected to tolerate. I personally can't imagine putting my girlfriend through the hell of going out of state to stay with an ex of mine, at their house, for a week. This all just seems ridiculous to me.

[d0nnivain]

I can understand your discomfort but given the passage of time since college they have probably settled into more of a friendship & if there had been romance in the past, it's over now.

 

 

Try to have faith that she's not doing anything wrong but watch her posts while she's gone & ask to see the pictures when she gets back. Hopefully, it really is nothing more than a trip with a cheat place to stay.

[mummyjonno]

I wonder if you could have afforded to go would you have been welcome to stay at dans house with her.

[ExpatInItaly]

So, did she actually specify how they met? Did she eventually confirm whether or not he has a girlfriend right now?

[damien201]

So, did she actually specify how they met? Did she eventually confirm whether or not he has a girlfriend right now?

 

She never specified. I didn't press the issue because I could tell she was getting upset and defensive and I knew nothing good would come of it. For the moment I have chosen to play it cool, sit on the information I have, and try to find out more when she gets back before confronting her (if I do).

[mummyjonno]

She never specified. I didn't press the issue because I could tell she was getting upset and defensive and I knew nothing good would come of it. For the moment I have chosen to play it cool, sit on the information I have, and try to find out more when she gets back before confronting her (if I do).

 

People only get defensive for a reason. It does sound pretty shadey to me.

 

Hopefully it's not though!

[Clay]

There is no way in the world would I ever agree to a gf or a wife staying at another mans house for any reason. Even it there was no cheating I think its a huge boundary issue. Just tell her you feel you want to have the same kind of a option. This year you plan on saving some money for a vacation for you and your going to stay at a girls house that you know. See how she responds to that.

 

I think in the truth of things you already see the writing on the wall. It does not sound like the kind of a woman I would want in my life over for the long haul. Its really disrespectful that she did that even after you expressed your concerns.

 

I think I would start planning to make a exit.

 

Does not have to be on bad terms just its better sometimes to walk away before people get really hurt and keep some self respect for themselves in the process.

[TylerDurdenn]

Let's not beat around the bush - they've been banging each others brains out all week.

 

Seriously OP don't be a fool.

[tom670]

It at the very least is not appropiate or respectful that she will be staying at a male friends house.

Like Clay said save up and go on vacation with a female friend.

See how she takes it.

Well prepare to move on if need be. Does anyone else in your family find this a little odd?

[damien201]

Let's not beat around the bush - they've been banging each others brains out all week.

 

Seriously OP don't be a fool.

 

I agree. I'm going to try to confirm it when she gets back tomorrow. Either way, I'm about ready to check out of this relationship. I'll let you all know what happens.

 

Oh, and I've already made plans to hang out with an ex of mine from college tonight.

Edited May 5, 2014 by damien201

[mummyjonno]

I agree. I'm going to try to confirm it when she gets back tomorrow. Either way, I'm about ready to check out of this relationship. I'll let you all know what happens.

 

Oh, and I've already made plans to hang out with an ex of mine from college tonight.

 

Eeek! Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

If and I mean if she is innocent you'll regret that.

 

Although I agree with the other poster all signs point to her screwing this guy all week. Don't lower yourself to that level eh

[GrandeH]

I'm sorry that your gf put you through all that discomfort selfishly. Even if you are planning on checking out of your current relationship, you're still in a relationship so don't cheat on your current gf with your ex. In fact I would strongly advise you not to put yourself in that situation especially if there are still feelings lingering around, and if you will be spending time alone, worse with alcohol.

 

Its always better to avoid temptation to cheat, than fighting temptation to cheat.

[Will.]

I agree. I'm going to try to confirm it when she gets back tomorrow. Either way, I'm about ready to check out of this relationship. I'll let you all know what happens.

 

Oh, and I've already made plans to hang out with an ex of mine from college tonight.

 

You will be doing yourself no favours by meeting up with an ex! What will it achieve apart from lowering yourself to her standards IF she is up to no good.

 

Wait till she's back, try to talk to her and explain your concern. Of course it smells fishy but do some more research and hold your horses.

[ThatMan]

I agree. I'm going to try to confirm it when she gets back tomorrow. Either way, I'm about ready to check out of this relationship. I'll let you all know what happens.

 

Oh, and I've already made plans to hang out with an ex of mine from college tonight.

Checking out is probably a good decision.

 

You know, there are women out there who aren't caught up and stuck on their ex, won't have sex with them on vacation, and they're more available and supportive. You'll miss out on finding these women if you're stuck on an ex as well. Hold yourself to a higher standard than the person who is clearly upsetting you.

[damien201]

Checking out is probably a good decision.

 

You know, there are women out there who aren't caught up and stuck on their ex, won't have sex with them on vacation, and they're more available and supportive. You'll miss out on finding these women if you're stuck on an ex as well. Hold yourself to a higher standard than the person who is clearly upsetting you.

 

I didn't say I was going to cheat on her. I'm just hanging out with an ex. What's wrong with that?

 

I'm just trying to entertain the possibility that her perspective, being able to hang out freely with exes, is the healthy one. I mean, it's not like I haven't wanted to hang out with my ex girlfriends sometimes too.

Edited May 5, 2014 by damien201

[Will.]

I didn't say I was going to cheat on her. I'm just hanging out with an ex. What's wrong with that?

 

Are you doing this because she has, or you think she is? Can you confirm he is 100% an ex?

 

I have girl mates who I've known since my teens and close too but would never think of doing anything with them when I hang out with them?

 

As for an ex, even if we broke on good terms I don't keep contact with them. It's a fireball to play with that never helps a relationship, for me anyway. If she finds out she will only throw it back at you regardless if your just hanging out and the point you have over her will become viod.

[mummyjonno]

I didn't say I was going to cheat on her. I'm just hanging out with an ex. What's wrong with that?

 

I'm just trying to entertain the possibility that her perspective, being able to hang out freely with exes, is the healthy one. I mean, it's not like I haven't wanted to hang out with my ex girlfriends sometimes too.

 

You are only doing it to get back at her, we all know this otherwise you specifically wouldn't have *just* made plans with an ex after writing this post.

 

Out of curiosity, how has her communication been while she's been at this dudes house?

[lolablue17]

WHAT???!!! Man. it's serious!

 

1. She tells you that she is going to stay at Dan and his girlfriend's place! And when you ask her again she is getting defensive. Are you nuts? If Dan had a girlfriend living with him she would just answer "Yes, i'm going to stay at Their place". So she deliberately lied to you about that. Not a blur lie, a huge lie in order to mislead and deceive you. It's not a red flag - It's a forest of red flags.

 

 

2. She lied to you about her past with him. Remember again - an intentional lie for a Purpose. the goal is to meet him alone without you there, while he is her ex and now available.

 

You are too polite. I would send her a message that her stuff is packed in boxes and she better come soon and take it. It really doesn't matter what happened there and you will never know. What's the point even listening to a girl who has no delay to lie to you without blinking?

[Davey L]

It's a problem whether they are having sex or not.

 

 

She is disrespecting you by staying with an ex. She would have to be an idiot not to know that this is going to worry and upset you, yet she has done it regardless. This shows that she has little concern for you or your feelings. This is then further compounded by her brush-off when you raise the subject.

 

 

I would suggest retaining some integrity yourself by not hanging out with your ex just yet. Instead, tell her when she comes back that her behaviour was inappropriate and unacceptable and that if that is how she wishes to behave you are no longer interested in continuing the relationship.

[littleplanet]

The point is, you don't know the absolute truth. You can suspect anything, and have great clues. But you're not Sherlock, and she's not Moriarty.

Could she be testing her fidelity to you by visiting this guy from her past?

As was mentioned earlier, there's a big IF hanging in the air.

 

Sometimes, before taking a bigger plunge, a partner will be tested.

Why not wait until you have that conversation with her that you obviously need to have?

Like L. Cohen once sang...."Starving in some deep mystery, like a man who is sure what is true"

 

A relationship hits a pothole. Do you drive off the road and crash, or or steer back on course?

[ThatMan]

I disagree with that.

 

Relationships cannot be forced to work and this has nothing to do with knowing absolute truths. Mature and independent adults do not test their fidelity in a relationship. Teenagers might behave this way until they learn a better way of doing things. But only those who aren't prepared to handle relationships will conduct themselves in through such an unusual belief.

 

The fact of the matter is that she's been blatanly disrespectful, nobody can force her to behave a different way, and nobody can steer that sort of relationship back on course. She made the choice to become defensive rather than open, supportive, and on the same side as her own spouse. Whether or not she actually sleeps around won't change that and nobody should have to tolerate her behavior.

Edited May 12, 2014 by ThatMan