Found Text messages, cheaters change?

[photonxyz]

I have been dating a girl for the past three years, long distance relationship. We are both divorced, have our own children, are working professionals, and in our 40’s. We broke up in early January and got back together in early March. During reconciliation, I uncovered that she had cheated on me during the span of our relationship with a past hookup. Importantly, she did not offer this information freely, but I figured it out. Anyhow, we moved past her transgressions and forward with our relationship. I certainly had trust issues over the past two months.

 

This past weekend I arrived on Friday to spend a few days together with her and her children. She was not home yet and I settled in. I was looking at her iPad and checked her messages- they were all deleted, except for a few generic texts. This was a red flag for me- why would she be deleting all her messages. So, like any good engineer, I searched through her deleted messages and found some extremely disturbing texts. The history essentially went as follows;

 

-She reached out to someone and said she drives by his home every day and sees his car most mornings-wants to reach out but is trying to be good. The person responded by telling her to reach out.

 

-She sent a message, talking about masturbating

 

-He sent a message that he was coming over at 12:30 at night, she responded no, that she was resting and would “tame” him in the morning.

This “taming” session was schedule for the SAME morning of the day I had just arrived at her place.

 

So, I confronted her, obviously…. The person she text is a realtor she has been working with to find a place for her mom. She told me they had a make-out session during our breakup but did not have sex and that the “taming” session never happened that day because he had to work in the morning- wasn't available.

 

I broke up with her and left, driving back home at 2:30am….

 

Anyhow, she has been non-stop texting me, calling me, sending me emails, etc. She goes on about being remorseful, ashamed, etc, and wants us to work things out. I’ve told her NO, I will NOT subject myself to being disrespected as such. Our relationship had been GREAT the past two months. I’ve been seeing her weekly, talking constantly, texting, etc. I can NOT be in a relationship with someone I do not trust whatsoever. I do NOT want to be the snooping boyfriend, always worried that I need to go through my significant others communications to ascertain her indiscretions. It’s really a shame, because I do love this girl but I can NOT allow her to treat me so poorly.

 

So, my question is, do cheaters ever change? Do they ever wake up and cure themselves? Just sad….

[mammasita]

I do believe cheaters can change, but I don't think it can be, nor is it ever an instant change. I feel like, unfortunately, a lesson has to be learned.....loss has to be felt. In other words a pretty big life event.

 

For example, if you give in and go back without letting her feel the loss of you, nothing will change.

[photonxyz]

Yes, I agree completely, that a cheater needs to feel the repercussions of their actions- loss. Actually, after her divorce, she went through a period of cheating with many married men for several years. I told her back in March that she would NOT change unless she stopped living in the shadows.

 

Most importantly, I told her to stop contacting me until she can resolve her issues. I believe, most times, people cheat for a reason. Until she can determine what that reason is, any relationship she attempts is doomed to fail.

[Friskyone4u]

You did the right thing. In a LDR especially, it's no way to live knowing that your SO has this history. She obviously has some problem that in her past it was a series of affairs with MM, why not single guys with no repercussions. Maybe it is the excitement of doing the naughty. Anyway you will be constantly in detective mode with this woman and be constantly looking over your shoulder wondering what is going to sneak up and bite you. I say you made good move

[Omei]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!! So proud!

 

Now you're free to be a wonderful man to a wonderful woman who will adore you and respect you.

[photonxyz]

Her perpetual lying is the hardest part for me. When we first met, we became friends first. Her life was pretty bad at that point- she believed she had contracted herpes from one of the several guys she was seeing at the time. Fortunately for her, she did not contract herpes. This was a life event for her- she sought out a therapist to help her with relationships and stopped having sex, so she told me, with the numerous men. However, in truth, as I uncovered in March, she continued to see one married man through the course of our relationship.

 

Again, why lie constantly? I don’t own her and only ever asked that she be honest with me. I simply told her to please tell me if she started a relationship with anyone else. Our relationship status was supposed to be exclusive and committed to one another. It also makes me angry because she put me at risk.

 

In reality, she seems to be a swinger, from my perspective. She seems to need sex from different men and absolutely puts herself in dangerous positions by mostly hooking-up with married men. Most of these married men are from families she knows personally- she speaks with the wives and they have no idea of their ruse. However, unlike couples living a swinger lifestyle, I don’t swing and she lies to me about her activity. She has approached me about swinging before… She spoke to her therapist about it and he told her absolutely not to do it. He told her that 90% of the time it ruins any committed relationship.

[No Limit]

Her cheating has become a habit, seeing how it's been her past for a long time now. I understand that it's sad to watch someone you thought to be a nice person to betray you and then make it even better by trying to lie themselves out of it over and over again.

 

Just don't fall for it. NC is the best cutting tool, she'll give up eventually.

[cupic]

Sorry such a thing happened to you. Go no contact as advised above. It will hurt for sometime, but know you are better off.

I'd reccomend getting yourself checked out for STD's as well.

Please do not let her manipulate you back into her life. She is already ruining so many marriages, that is something you do not want to be apart of.

As far as changing, if this was a one time thing, i beleive yes, someone can change. But she is a serial and pathological cheater. She doesnt respect in her relationship with you, or the relationship of married men to their wives. I do not see this as a person who can or wil ever change. She is a swinger, whether she would admit that or not. And no relationship can last when there are lies.

[stillafool]

Yes some Cheaters do change but I'm afraid given your gfs past actions she isn't one that will. Putting herself in danger for sex and all the other nonsense that turns her on are not going to cease but so long. You were right to break up with her and you shouldn't look back. If you want a woman who is decent, respectful and faithful there are plenty of them out there. Don't settle for this woman.

[tom670]

She sounds like a serial cheater and you did the right thing.

She has to work on why she seeks constant validation from men.

Sad really.

[Chi townD]

Yeah dude, you did the right thing. She was trying to downplay this "Taming" session as something that didn't happen. But, it only made herself look worse. She pretty much told you that she was going to sleep with this guy; unfortunately, he had to work so it didn't happen. Which tells me that she had every intention of it happening. (But, to be honest? It probably did happen)

 

 

Oh, and that make-out session while you were broken up? Don't believe it. They had sex. Cheater's will only tell you the bare minimum of something to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened.

 

 

Time to move on, dude.

[photonxyz]

This is why i LOVE forums like this.... You can to hear logic from people who have no horse in the race- per say! I truly appreciates everyone's input.

 

What "Chi townD" said got me thinking...

 

"Oh, and that make-out session while you were broken up? Don't believe it. They had sex. Cheater's will only tell you the bare minimum of something to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened. "

 

This absolutely makes sense to me, I agree! She has NEVER been truthful with me regarding her indiscretions. I figured stuff out and she only admitted things when she was absolutely cornered- between the truth and a hard place! She often offered several versions of the truth before finally landing on her ass. You don't send risque text messages after one kissing session- talking about masturbating, and the guy doesn't just offer to come over at 12:30am- that would be way to forward! There is definitely more to the story. Offering to "tame" someone, sounds like he's been tamed before by her- lol... Oh the joy of relationships!!!! Oh wait, I'm no longer in one! One point for me!

[Buckeye2]

Again, why lie constantly? I don’t own her and only ever asked that she be honest with me. I simply told her to please tell me if she started a relationship with anyone else.

 

Because you are husband material and probably great with her kids. The responsible part of her wants a father for her kids. The irresponsible part of her can’t give up the fun of being single. She knows that a guy like you won’t commit to a party girl so she lies.

[tlegend]

It's so sad. I can relate to this. I would be willing to explore swinging for someone I truly loved....however, with swinging comes ultimate trust and love. In order to be successful in a relationship like that, it has to be OPEN and HONEST in all lanes of communication.

 

"Swinging" in a relationship where the significant other is clueless about the sexual activity involved, or isn't included with, isn't swinging. That's playing someone.

 

And everyone deserves much more respect than that.

 

Kick her to the curb, move on, and don't look back. She's clearly showed that she has no respect for you, and it isn't the sex that she's interested in. She's obviously into having sex behind your back. Can you live with that?

[BetrayedH]

She got a second chance (kudos to you for that, by the way). Does she need a third? At that point, I think you'd just be giving her your blessing to keep cheating.

[Michelle ma Belle]

My humble experience has shown me that very few cheaters ever change and certainly not on their own. Usually they conscience kicks in only after they got caught which is often followed by a honeymoon period before it all starts up again.

 

Of course there are exceptions but very few.

 

Congratulations for having the courage and realizing that she is not deserving of someone like you.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Man Mountain Makino]

So, my question is, do cheaters ever change? Do they ever wake up and cure themselves? Just sad….

 

The answer is "sometimes."

 

The smart money in this case is likely "no."

[Man Mountain Makino]

She told me they had a make-out session during our breakup but did not have sex and that the “taming” session never happened that day because he had to work in the morning- wasn't available.

I'm a 46 year old guy, and middle aged people don't stop when they start. No need to. A make out session that goes nowhere and a postponed taming are for teens.

 

Adults get down to business. Otherwise, why bother?