Cheated

[rare]

Hello I am a girl who cheated on my ex-boyfriend. I never told him. He dumped me five months ago and I'm still struggling with guilt.

All though I can not take back what I did, maybe I can provide some insight (I know every situation is different).

So, ask a cheater anything.

[TylerDurdenn]

Why would I want to ask a cheater anything?

[dragon_fly_7]

What's the point if he's your ex bf now. Just move on and learn from your mistakes.

[rare]

yes I know, and sometimes I think like that too. I guess I'm just trying to unwrap everything so I can work through it and learn. Being broken hearted at the same time as your mind screams that you deserved it makes it a bit harder to move on.

That I was able to do that and be such a coward about it scares me very much.

[ThatGirl213]

Why did you cheat on him? Were you unhappy in the relationship? Was it just selfish motives? Or do you blame it on alcohol or stress from school/family?

 

And why did he dump you? I am just curious about this one.

[rare]

I cheated while we were doing LDR for two years. I tried to adjust the relationship with visits/skype so that we didn't "loose" each other. I felt at some point I was doing all the work as I was the one calling, visiting and even paying for his tickets. I knew at that point the right thing was to break up because I felt I was "out of sight, out of mind" to him. But, I guess I was to scared to let go. There was this guy who was interested in me and one drunken night it just happened. I don't blame the alcohol as it was still my choice which I regretted and still regret.

 

I don't know why I didn't tell my bf. It's a horrible thing to take away some ones choice to be with you, and one of the things I regret the most.

 

I'm not quite sure why he broke up with me as I didn't get an explanation, but he was together with a friend of mine two weeks later so maybe I was dumped for her. After my affair I was so full of guilt that I tried to compensate by being as "perfect" as I could. I can see how that could've seemed very clingy and dependent, so there would be no surprise if that's what made him lose his feelings.

 

In the end I am happy he has found someone who wouldn't do what I did to him. Nobody deserves that.

Thank you for your questions.

[dragon_fly_7]

yes I know, and sometimes I think like that too. I guess I'm just trying to unwrap everything so I can work through it and learn. Being broken hearted at the same time as your mind screams that you deserved it makes it a bit harder to move on.

That I was able to do that and be such a coward about it scares me very much.

Well experience and know what not to do next time is what makes you the person you are now. It means you have gotten wiser and can think better.

 

I'm guessing you must be young. Try not to beat yourself with it. Relationships come and go. They aren't always permanent.

[dragon_fly_7]

Umm then that wasn't too much of a relationship IMO. LDR rarely work out and if you were the one paying for his tickets and putting more effort into the relationship during the time, then he wasn't into you and probably wanted this to end up in a break-up.

In the end I am happy he has found someone who wouldn't do what I did to him. Nobody deserves that.

Thank you for your questions.

I don't know why but I'm getting the feeling he might have cheated as well too. Who knows. Maybe he did the same thing. I mean you were the one calling, visting, paying for his tickets and on top of that it was a LDR.

 

Another possibility is that maybe he found out because wanted to break up even before that. He maybe just needed that as the perfect excuse.

[stillafool]

Don't feel too guilty because if he dumped you and was with your friend 2 weeks later more than likely he was cheating on you with her before he broke up with you. Never cheat again but I think you should forgive yourself and move on. He would have broken up with you anyway.

[harrybrown]

Hope you can work thru these feelings so that in the next relationship, you can that relationship better than the last one.

 

What happened to the OM? just the one night and he moved on? Not worth the trouble he helped you feel.

[rare]

I am 22 now. The cheating happened when I was 20.

 

I know it would have ended anyway, the question was more "when" than "if". It wasn't a healthy RS with or without the cheating, but I do blame myself for a lot of this.

 

The OM called me about a year later and apologized. He said he knew I was sad and drunker than him, and that he took advantage of that.

[d0nnivain]

Ok, what, if anything, did you learn about yourself from the experience?

 

 

If now that you are "older" & presumably wiser, if you found yourself in similar circumstances in the future, what, if anything, would you do differently?

[stillafool]

I know it would have ended anyway, the question was more "when" than "if". It wasn't a healthy RS with or without the cheating, but I do blame myself for a lot of this.

 

.

 

Which question?

[lolablue17]

I'll tell you why do you want to tell him about your past cheating. (Which was a one time drunk fling - or an affair, depending on which should i choose from the two versions you have provided).

 

since he dumped you, your ego is not doing so well. and by telling him you hope you will hurt him and make things equal between you two.

[johnpatric]

Do you really feel guilty???

[rare]

Ok, what, if anything, did you learn about yourself from the experience?

If now that you are "older" & presumably wiser, if you found yourself in similar circumstances in the future, what, if anything, would you do differently?

 

I've learned that I am capable of screwing up royally and that I was very immature. Since I've been working on my self esteem (as I think no one with a healthy one would be so easily swayed by temptations and go against their principles). I learned that the truth is always the answer even though it can be hurtful. If I should ever take the "easy" way out and lie I now know for a fact that it will haunt me for a long time.

 

I hope I never put my self in that position again firstly, but if I ever do I would distance my self from the situation. If I'm not feeling well in a relationship I need to and it, not go behind its back.

 

Which question?

The RS had an expiration date.

 

 

I'll tell you why do you want to tell him about your past cheating. (Which was a one time drunk fling - or an affair, depending on which should i choose from the two versions you have provided).

since he dumped you, your ego is not doing so well. and by telling him you hope you will hurt him and make things equal between you two.

 

I do not want to tell him now. I am out of his life and I would not want to "drag" him back in. The time to tell him was as soon as I had the chance. Unfortunately I didn't have the balls to do it and it got worse with each passing day. The event itself is horrible. The lying about it is not only making it worse but also horrible in it self.

 

Do you really feel guilty???

Each day for two years and I still do now. It's so consuming at times that I'm starting to wonder if the guilt I've felt before was just "childish" guilt. I'm pretty sure this is the real deal.