badkarma2013 Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I am posting this situation here for a dear friend who comes here ,but will not join or post.. I have given the best advice I know,But my D was so different im not sure my view is not skewed.. He and his Wife divorced a little over 4 years ago....Concerns of infidelity on her part ...but Never admitted to nor after much digging ever proved...this was Not the reason for D. They met up a few months ago and want to get back together... Apparently recently after some drinking she said she wanted no secrets between them... While they were talking ...He asked some questions about her dating ...men..sex and the like.. She admitted she was Very sexually active...a variety of partners...experiminted some over a period of 2 to 2.5 years He NOW cannot get over this even though they were divorced... He dated some but mainly stuck with one woman... I cannot seem to get through to him.. Is he WAY off base with or would this be the normal reaction... I can see how he would feel but they were divorced .. Looking for ANY help from Veterans here..I have run out of place to take him Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Logically you are correct, it shouldn't be his concern whatsoever, she was a single woman and could do what she wants with whoever she wants. In practice however, I can see how it would be an issue in his situation. I suppose that it depends on what "a variety of partners" means, was it 2, 10, 20, 100 or any number in between? I personally would take that statement to mean a large number, and I certainly would have an issue with that and would forgo resuming a relationship. But of course, I'm a one woman man that doesn't like sleeping around, and never have. I have passed up a ONS or two in my younger days for this reason. I much prefer it in a relationship. By your description of your friend, I would say that his thoughts on this are similar to mine, and there will be no convincing him otherwise. PS. As a disclaimer, lest this turn into a man vs. woman thread, I view this as the same between women and men, men that sleep around don't impress me, I don't hold this standard as just towards women, but of course I would never date a man, so that doesn't come in to play for me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 He is entitled to feel whatever he feels about her experiences. Just as he would be entitled to reject dating or marrying someone else with a promiscuous past, if indeed that matters to him. If this is a dealbreaker for him, why should it matter to you? She made different choices than he did during their time apart, which may now make her incompatible with his relationship values. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 She was divorced from him and therefore allowed to date and sex whomever she chooses. I really don't know why they would want to get back together considering there are already issues going on. I think you OP should stay out of it and if your friend wants help he should be the one asking for it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 If he had prior concerns about her infidelity and now knows how sexually active she was while they were apart, maybe he's questioning if she really wants to be monogamous, if he's going to be "enough" for her when they get back together. Not to fault her in any way for her choices while she was single. But like central said, they may not be compatible in regards to what they want out of the relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author badkarma2013 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Share Posted May 6, 2014 He is entitled to feel whatever he feels about her experiences. Just as he would be entitled to reject dating or marrying someone else with a promiscuous past, if indeed that matters to him. If this is a dealbreaker for him, why should it matter to you? She made different choices than he did during their time apart, which may now make her incompatible with his relationship values. It does not matter to me....My advice given (such as it was)....was Not UNsolicited...he traveled 200 miles to meet with me...I felt my advice was not the best and my D was horrific and my view ..as stated is skewed.. Im only asking is this a (normal reaction) with men...or generally speaking is he way off base... im not asking right or wrong ...just is his views in everyones opinion a normal reaction.. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) Who wants to be compared with a string of previous sexual partners? I wouldn't. Intercourse is supposed to be sacred and reserved for Marriage. Him being with mainly one the whole time, makes the difference only in numbers. This has got to be one of those good things about being single. Edited May 6, 2014 by UpwardForward Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) He and his Wife divorced a little over 4 years ago....Concerns of infidelity on her part ...but Never admitted to nor after much digging ever proved...this was Not the reason for D. Infidelity may not have been an acknowledged issue but may have contributed to D by making them drift apart. Logically you are correct, it shouldn't be his concern whatsoever, she was a single woman and could do what she wants with whoever she wants. He is entitled to feel whatever he feels about her experiences. Just as he would be entitled to reject dating or marrying someone else with a promiscuous past, if indeed that matters to him. If he had prior concerns about her infidelity and now knows how sexually active she was while they were apart, maybe he's questioning if she really wants to be monogamous, if he's going to be "enough" for her when they get back together. The above says it all as far as I’m concerned. If he's concerned about infidelity I would think twice about remarriage. Now she thinks she has gotten her fill of the wild side she wants the benefits of the nice guy she D. But has she gotten her fill? Why not just be one of her boy friends? Edited May 6, 2014 by Buckeye2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I am posting this situation here for a dear friend who comes here ,but will not join or post.. I have given the best advice I know,But my D was so different im not sure my view is not skewed.. He and his Wife divorced a little over 4 years ago....Concerns of infidelity on her part ...but Never admitted to nor after much digging ever proved...this was Not the reason for D. They met up a few months ago and want to get back together... Apparently recently after some drinking she said she wanted no secrets between them... While they were talking ...He asked some questions about her dating ...men..sex and the like.. She admitted she was Very sexually active...a variety of partners...experiminted some over a period of 2 to 2.5 years He NOW cannot get over this even though they were divorced... He dated some but mainly stuck with one woman... I cannot seem to get through to him.. Is he WAY off base with or would this be the normal reaction... I can see how he would feel but they were divorced .. Looking for ANY help from Veterans here..I have run out of place to take him I think its a normal reaction,that he hates that she dated a variety of men,but they were divorced and were both free to do so,i think if its meant to be that they get back together,it needs to be a clean slate,shes been out in the open,and told him shes been sexually active,and he either accepts it or not,and if he does he shouldn't hold it against her. I hope it all works out for your friend 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Ofcourse it is a normal reaction, and I do not understand why you would even think he is WAY off base having concerns about it. They were married, it's his ex wife which he thought he knew, and turns out very different. Yes, she can 'logically' do whatever she wants being single. She can do whatever she wants in marriage as noone owns anyone (read: the suspected infidelity). Who likes the idea of your ex being promiscous, let alone someone you were married to. I don't think I would. Logic has nothing to do with it. Not in a relationship, divorce and especially not a reconcilliation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author badkarma2013 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Share Posted May 6, 2014 I think its a normal reaction,that he hates that she dated a variety of men,but they were divorced and were both free to do so,i think if its meant to be that they get back together,it needs to be a clean slate,shes been out in the open,and told him shes been sexually active,and he either accepts it or not,and if he does he shouldn't hold it against her. I hope it all works out for your friend I felt much the same...She very well could have LIED but did not...(to her credit) I asked why he asked a question (like that) without being prepared for the worst answer (for him). He said this had bothered him and when she brought it up..He said i wanted to know...(without preparing himself)... When he arrived at my home he looked shell shocked and hollow....I said what did you think she was doing for 4 yrs....she was single attractive funny and smart...? he said i dont know...but not this! For once in my life i was at a loss for words..and did not want to say the wrong thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author badkarma2013 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Share Posted May 6, 2014 Ofcourse it is a normal reaction, and I do not understand why you would even think he is WAY off base having concerns about it. They were married, it's his ex wife which he thought he knew, and turns out very different. Yes, she can 'logically' do whatever she wants being single. She can do whatever she wants in marriage as noone owns anyone (read: the suspected infidelity). Who likes the idea of your ex being promiscous, let alone someone you were married to. I don't think I would. Logic has nothing to do with it. Not in a relationship, divorce and especially not a reconcilliation. I Dont think he is off base...this thread is not about me.... I have a wonderful friend to whom it seems i can offer little solace...and I dont know how to proceed...I NEED advice as much as he.. I am just asking does his feelings about this seem normal or way off base. Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 More than normal. Besides the whole 'ex sleeping with others hurts' thing. The issue about the suspected infidelity is not cleared up, otherwise you wouldn't bring it up and would not still call it suspected. One major hurdle. The discrepancy between how he sees/saw his ex wife and her actual behaviour is a second major hurdle. The reason they split up, not mentioned here, likely third major hurdle. I would support your friend but advise against reconcilliation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Ofcourse it is a normal reaction. They were married, it's his ex wife which he thought he knew, and turns out very different. Yes, she can 'logically' do whatever she wants being single. She can do whatever she wants in marriage as noone owns anyone (read: the suspected infidelity). Who likes the idea of your ex being promiscous, let alone someone you were married to. I don't think I would. Logic has nothing to do with it. Not in a relationship, divorce and especially not a reconcilliation. This is exactly correct. His head tells him that they were divorced and she could do whatever she wanted. His heart tells him that she should have been like him and have had only one or two partners in their time apart. Also, her being so free with so many guys increases the chance in his mind that she was unfaithful while they were married. Did he ask her about that? It also makes him worry about how he compairs to all those guys. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Im only asking is this a (normal reaction) with men...or generally speaking is he way off base... I don't think it's off-base. Normal? Depends on what normal is. Honestly, I can say I'd probably be the same way. Not that I would look down on my (hypothetical) exW for her choices or even feel insecure about it. But I'd just wonder if we were at a common place in our lives. Out of curiosity, what sort of numbers are we talking here with his exW? I'm guessing it would have to be pretty high if he was shell-shocked. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author badkarma2013 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Share Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) I don't think it's off-base. Normal? Depends on what normal is. Honestly, I can say I'd probably be the same way. Not that I would look down on my (hypothetical) exW for her choices or even feel insecure about it. But I'd just wonder if we were at a common place in our lives. Out of curiosity, what sort of numbers are we talking here with his exW? I'm guessing it would have to be pretty high if he was shell-shocked. From what info. i can glean from him.... 8-10 lovers ....several ONS and 2 occasions with herself and 2 men... I GET IT....Im not sure i could handle this either...To me its almost ( the feeling that im getting within my self) like finding out your spouse commited infidelity.....SHE swears she did not during their marriage..EA OR PA.. She did admit at 42 years old she really like all of the attention many men gave her. She said she is telling him so he will not hear it from others. Edited May 6, 2014 by badkarma2013 left out Link to post Share on other sites
blueskyday Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) 8 to 10 lovers in four years? I don't think that's a big deal. I know a lot of people who have gone a little bit crazy after their divorce, especially if they were married to the same person for a long time, and married young. It's a bit like they are having their wild college years a little bit later. I say she (more than likely) got it out of her system, and is ready to settle down and have something more real and more lasting. Of course you need to talk about his concerns, i.e, is it enough for her to be with one man? He should lay out all his concerns on the table. The fact is divorce changes people, and brings out things that they need. Like attention from other men. I think I went through that after my divorce as well. The fact that she is being honest speaks volumes. She wants to move forward with a clean slate and honest foundation. They need to talk, and talk a lot. They also need to discuss what went wrong in the marriage before and why things would be different now. Edited May 6, 2014 by blueskyday 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author badkarma2013 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Share Posted May 6, 2014 8 to 10 lovers in four years? I don't think that's a big deal. I know a lot of people who have gone a little bit crazy after their divorce, especially if they were married to the same person for a long time, and married young. It's a bit like they are having their wild college years a little bit later. I say she (more than likely) got it out of her system, and is ready to settle down and have something more real and more lasting. Of course you need to talk about his concerns, i.e, is it enough for her to be with one man? He should lay out all his concerns on the table. The fact is divorce changes people, and brings out things that they need. Like attention from other men. I think I went through that after my divorce as well. The fact that she is being honest speaks volumes. She wants to move forward with a clean slate and honest foundation. They need to talk, and talk a lot. They also need to discuss what went wrong in the marriage before and why things would be different now. I AGREE....her honesty did not come ( as i see it ) from a malicious point of view....but she told him several times she DID NOT want anything to come from someone else.... "I am an open book to you"...she also told him she is willing to answer ANYTHING...but BE SURE you want to know....because i am going to be bluntly honest with you..I will never have a secret from you anymore.... ( Meaning Her unhappiness in PAST marriage not A.. 0 Link to post Share on other sites
Hobbes' wagon Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Hi to both of you. What was their sex life before they divorced? To be honest, yes, I'd be bothered, most of all by the threesomes she's had. I think I'd feel inadequate to be ever able to please her in bed, and therefore I'd be scared that eventually she'll cheat (again) and leave/divorce me. However, I have seen on other infidelity/marriage sites much worse stories than this, where men eventually were able to reconcile with ther (ex)wives, so it's worth a shot. But both have to be prepared to do some hard work, and in the end, if it works, great, and if not, well, they gave it an honest try. 1. There are obviously trust issues, at least on one side. Would your friend be comforted somewhat if she'd be willing to take a polygraph to prove she hadn't had any affairs during the marriage? 2. Is your friend open to individual and couple's counselling? To address the trust issues, the inadequacy feeling/low self-esteem etc.? 3. What work on himself (physical and mental) has your friend done over the years? Is he different now than when he was married? 4. If your friend has mind movies of her with other men, there are lots of great advice here and elsewhere on how to deal with mind movies. I've heard a lot of great stuff about EMDR therapy helping (especially) men to cope with images of "their" women with other men, with feeling of trauma (like you said, shell-shocked). EMDR Institute, Inc. - What is EMDR? 5. Does your friend feel the need or thinks he'd be better if he had a string of ONS and casual sex before he were to go back? So he'd feel more equal, less inadequate etc.? 6. Has he perhaps read No More Mr. Nice Guy or any other books that would encourage work on himself? Best wishes, and I hope he will eventually start posting himself, when he'll feel more ready! P.S. edit: I think that she was smart and adult in approaching this issue, that she told him the truth in advance (with being cautious up front). That's a good sign for potential reconcilliation. Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Have him read "Before She Met me" by Julian Barnes, not only a great novel, but helps us to understand that the sex thing is not about "what rights you have" but rather, the intimacy you have with someone and how that is filtering information (past, present, or future) about that person you have an intimate connection with. The same goes with someone who decides to stay in a marriage because they dont want to face sending their WS out to have sex tomorrow with the AP even though its a deal breaker. Yeah, you are going to divorce, but this does not mean there is no pain in thinking about the sex she is going to have, even though you have no right to feel it. the fact is... PEOPLE DO FEEL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author badkarma2013 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Share Posted May 7, 2014 Have him read "Before She Met me" by Julian Barnes, not only a great novel, but helps us to understand that the sex thing is not about "what rights you have" but rather, the intimacy you have with someone and how that is filtering information (past, present, or future) about that person you have an intimate connection with. The same goes with someone who decides to stay in a marriage because they dont want to face sending their WS out to have sex tomorrow with the AP even though its a deal breaker. Yeah, you are going to divorce, but this does not mean there is no pain in thinking about the sex she is going to have, even though you have no right to feel it. the fact is... PEOPLE DO FEEL. Great insight as always...fellini...and hobbes wagon.. I spoke with him this a.m.....and i asked him, if was in a relationship with someone other than his EX and they told him THE EXACT SAME STORY.....EXACTLY and and for THE SAME REASON...would you feel the same way... He answered me...and i suppose this is my gut as well....".She never did Any of the things she did while divorced WITH ME....EVER" I suppose That is the Answer (from his view)... In Trying to put myself in his shoes ...i also think i would have a huge issue with this ... She was free to do as she wished.....and i Commend her for her honesty...as many have said ..I had rather be miserable with the Truth,,than happy with a LIE... Im just not sure he can swallow the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author badkarma2013 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Share Posted May 7, 2014 I think in My case of D...that Was the single most painful thing that i found out...was what she did with OM..... Im sure thats why this hits me so hard and sends me to a BAD place. Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 I think in My case of D...that Was the single most painful thing that i found out...was what she did with OM..... Im sure thats why this hits me so hard and sends me to a BAD place. Im still feeling it. And I have no evidence walking away from this marriage is going to make that go away. These problems are inside my head. They haunt me when I walk alone down a street in my everyday life. They are not triggered by her presence. I alone need to find a way to rid myself of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 In general a guy should care about a girls past history. Though they were divorced it is normal to feel that who ever she dated since the divorce were concurrent to him. And a problem. Then add to this that his WW has not admitted to the affair. The problem here she dumped her BH once already. That has the BH wondering will she do it again. Why does she want him back? Is it she is 4 years older and losing out on the alphas to the younger woman? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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