Happy in marriage and still in love with OW

[janetl]

This question must have been asked and answered.

 

Is it really possible?

 

I am in love with a MM who loves me too. I am single. We are very close, yet I don't know anything about his wife, I never asked, he never told. We know we will never be together; yet the bond we feel is so strong. We are in an emotional affair. We got closer when he was going through crisis. We were and still are great friends. We have been through honest open communications dealing with sexual attraction and getting over it and being able to see past it; and still sustain our relationship.

 

The thought has crossed my mind, but I never asked. Why did he not turn to his wife for emotional support during crisis? He had made clear from the beginning that he is happy with his family and never had intention of breaking anything. Still, we fell in love.

 

Is it really possible for men to fall deeply in love with OW, yet not wanting to cross the line of physical intimacy and yet stay married and with the family?

 

I do not want to think that he loves me any less because he is not going to leave his family. But is that it?

[Hope Shimmers]

I think it's possible for someone to love more than one person at the same time. But obviously it's not possible for someone to live with and be married to more than one person at the same time, so that person has to pick. And he did, and he told you he picked her. So the question becomes... why does it matter?

 

Knowing that someone loves you doesn't matter if they can't or won't be with you and instead wish to remain with someone else they love.

 

As for why he didn't confide in his W during the crisis, how do you know he didn't?

[Popsicle]

Perhaps by not having sex with you he can tell himself that he is not betraying his marriage.

[harrybrown]

Sounds like he has the best for him.

 

He has you and his wife and his family.

 

I do not know if this is the best for you long term. Hope all goes well.

[gettingstronger]

I feel like some people are bottomless pits of neediness-they can never get enough attention so they seek out multiple avenues to fill that need-if you are single and know there is no future, you need to decide if he is worthy of your attention or if your needs would be better served by focusing that attention on someone that is available to just you-

[carhill]

OP, IMO the best person to discuss this with is the man in question, as each man is different.

 

My opinion, based on being a man and having been a MM in an EA, is that your interaction fulfills some basic emotional and/or psychological need/want which he is unable to or ineffective in getting met elsewhere. Apparently, in his case, he says he's happy in his M so, if valid, that appears to argue with my assertion. How can he be happy in his marriage and still seek out intimacy with another? He likes intimacy of this type, and the associated attention, and happy in one relationship is just that, happy in one relationship. He likes to spread the happy around. He's happy with his marriage; he's happy with you, etc, etc. IMO, if he's a good compartmentalizer, this path can feel completely healthy. I mention this because if his happiness with you intruded on his happiness at home and he thought of his spouse and their feelings about his happiness with you, that might/would lessen his happiness and/or cause conflict within himself, so he has his happy home life in one box and his happy affair life with you in another box.

 

I don't compartmentalize well but did see some signs of it when in my EA, and especially when we were working the reasons 'why' in MC. Those debates with the psychologist really opened my eyes to the compartmentalization part. I could really visualize the different 'spaces' and how the feelings/thoughts were contained in them. Interesting stuff.

 

Anyway, that's my perspective as a fMM. Good luck!

[janetl]

This all makes him sound like a villain!

 

I had been in a long abusive relationship in the past. This is the first and only man I have really felt love for and from. That's why it matters.

 

I know you all will tell me "There's someone out there..." blah blah blah. Have heard that a zillion times.

[janetl]

OP, IMO the best person to discuss this with is the man in question, as each man is different.

 

I don't compartmentalize well but did see some signs of it when in my EA, and especially when we were working the reasons 'why' in MC. Those debates with the psychologist really opened my eyes to the compartmentalization part. I could really visualize the different 'spaces' and how the feelings/thoughts were contained in them. Interesting stuff.

 

Anyway, that's my perspective as a fMM. Good luck!

 

Thank you very much. I do need to hear from fMMs more than people vilifying him. Really, thank you.

[janetl]

Thank you.

[gettingstronger]

I'm not so sure he's a villain. I just think in the long run your friendship and attention may be better served on someone that can be all you need them to be.

[Owl]

This all makes him sound like a villain!

 

He's emotionally betraying, and lying to, his wife. He's doing so for entirely self-serving and selfish reasons.

 

I don't know if that's villainous...but it's certainly not grounds for sainthood.

 

I had been in a long abusive relationship in the past. This is the first and only man I have really felt love for and from. That's why it matters.

 

I know you all will tell me "There's someone out there..." blah blah blah. Have heard that a zillion times.

 

So...what is it you want to hear from us?

 

You already know what's going to be said...what do you hope to gain by posting on LS?

 

What can we do for you, if you already know (and disagree with) what's going to be said?

Edited May 7, 2014 by Owl

[Gunthar]

This question must have been asked and answered.

 

Is it really possible?

 

I am in love with a MM who loves me too. I am single. We are very close, yet I don't know anything about his wife, I never asked, he never told. We know we will never be together; yet the bond we feel is so strong. We are in an emotional affair. We got closer when he was going through crisis. We were and still are great friends. We have been through honest open communications dealing with sexual attraction and getting over it and being able to see past it; and still sustain our relationship.

 

The thought has crossed my mind, but I never asked. Why did he not turn to his wife for emotional support during crisis? He had made clear from the beginning that he is happy with his family and never had intention of breaking anything. Still, we fell in love.

 

Is it really possible for men to fall deeply in love with OW, yet not wanting to cross the line of physical intimacy and yet stay married and with the family?

 

I do not want to think that he loves me any less because he is not going to leave his family. But is that it?

 

From my experience as a xMOM, yes. Absolutely possible.

 

I'm happy I was able to keep my family in tact. My wife is now 'safe' and regrets everything she put me through, but not a day goes by I don't think about and want to be near my xAP.

 

G

[Sub]

This all makes him sound like a villain!

 

I had been in a long abusive relationship in the past. This is the first and only man I have really felt love for and from. That's why it matters.

Two possibilities:

- He knows that because of your past relationship he can keep you on the hook by showing you something you didn't have.

 

- Because of that relationship, he wants to save you in some way. Show you that you can be loved by someone, even if it's not going to ultimately be him.

 

I know you all will tell me "There's someone out there..." blah blah blah. Have heard that a zillion times.

Don't you kind of HAVE to believe this, though? You know he's not leaving and you won't end up together. If you don't believe there's someone else out there for you, you're resigning yourself to being the OW and never being someone's focus.

[Cocochai]

Thank you very much. I do need to hear from fMMs more than people vilifying him. Really, thank you.

 

Question: how will you feel if all of a sudden, his wife puts in more effort into their M to fill those voids he's missing out on and the doesn't give you the attention you want anymore?

 

It does happen especially if there ever is a Dday where the BS finds out and the two of them decides to work on there M.

 

Right now your in the fog stage of the A that can leave at anytime. When we say fog.., we mean the highs of the A.

[2sunny]

There is value in asking him, your MM.

 

Because if he's not leaving his M now - you could potentially waste 10-20 years waiting for him to divorce.

 

Most don't divorce. Ask him what he intends to do and IF he says he intends to D ask him exactly what steps he has taken to make that happen.

 

If he's not taken action - he most likely isn't planning to divorce and plans on you being his side gal for as long as you allow it.

[whichwayisup]

This all makes him sound like a villain!

 

I had been in a long abusive relationship in the past. This is the first and only man I have really felt love for and from. That's why it matters.

 

I know you all will tell me "There's someone out there..." blah blah blah. Have heard that a zillion times.

 

But don't you see that you've set yourself up for more pain? To knowingly get involved with a MM is asking for heartache. It goes with the territory.

 

So you'd rather settle and be with him than be on your own and be independent. Not judging, it's your life but you need to ask yourself why you are putting yourself in harms way. The guy is happily married, not leaving his wife so therefore you'll be sharing him on his terms and time frame. You'll not be able to spend holidays with him, celebrate christmas etc, with family and friends. As time goes on you'll expect and want more but he won't be able to give that to you. Maybe you don't see that yet but some day you will and it'll hurt you deeply, you'll feel like second fiddle.

 

You deserve a man who is only going to love you and not be with someone else.

[TurningTables]

Perhaps by not having sex with you he can tell himself that he is not betraying his marriage.

 

This above is the perfect statement. I was in a EA and my so called best friend thought he was doing nothing wrong. What they are really doing is stringing the OW along, getting what they need emotionally from OW and getting whatever else they need from their wives: children, cooking, cleaning, sex and every day life ( and yes,love,affection,caring, etc!)

 

My question to you would be why would you want to be in a relationship like that? Has he given you any indication that he would like to be with you at some point in time? How do you know there isnt others just like you he has?

 

I am not asking you these things to be mean. xMM told me he loved me, I was his BFF, blah blah blah. It was all a lie. He was being selfish and trying to keep me even when I told him it hurt.

 

You cannot be at all happy with this situation or you would not be posting here, asking questions. You will get to a point where either his W finds out and he runs the bus over you or the hurt will just get too much. If you get out now, in the long run you will be better off. Take it from someone who knows this all too well.

 

Good Luck and hugs!

TT

Edited May 7, 2014 by TurningTables
forgot something

[janetl]

So...what is it you want to hear from us?

 

You already know what's going to be said...what do you hope to gain by posting on LS?

 

What can we do for you, if you already know (and disagree with) what's going to be said?

 

What I want to hear is not black or white "this is good", "this is bad"; "do this", "don't do this". I do not want to hear judgement. I want to hear experiences of people who have been in my position and the MM's position. That gives me different perspectives, insight allowing me to learn: not just deal with what I have.

 

Like people like carhill or Sub have provided already. I am thankful for that. That is what I hope to gain from posting on LS.

[janetl]

Two possibilities:

- He knows that because of your past relationship he can keep you on the hook by showing you something you didn't have.

 

- Because of that relationship, he wants to save you in some way. Show you that you can be loved by someone, even if it's not going to ultimately be him.

 

 

Don't you kind of HAVE to believe this, though? You know he's not leaving and you won't end up together. If you don't believe there's someone else out there for you, you're resigning yourself to being the OW and never being someone's focus.

 

It is the second rather than the first. He has said that many times. That is part of why I love him. Judgmental people here will say that he is manipulating by saying this, but I believe he is honest and true to what he has said.

 

Do I HAVE to believe there's someone else out there? How do I believe that? There may or may not be. I am open to either possibility. If there is really is someone else out there that I deserve, would that I not find him anyway? Would he not be more powerful that what I have with the MM now and hence will steal me away?

[MissBee]

Is it really possible for men to fall deeply in love with OW, yet not wanting to cross the line of physical intimacy and yet stay married and with the family?

 

I do not want to think that he loves me any less because he is not going to leave his family. But is that it?

 

Yes it happens everyday.

 

I suppose my question is: if he is never leaving his family, what does it matter if he loves you in some type of theoretical or rather, strictly emotional sense.

 

I guess for me, I've never seen the point of that. To be loved in someone's heart and mind but where it counts: having a life together, a family etc. they have chosen it with someone else....

 

But yes it happens. In my former A he said he loved me and loved her too. I believed him. I think people sometimes assume that it's all or nothing that you can only love or have feelings for one person at a time and therefore if a MM is cheating he doesn't love his wife or has no more feelings...it's not always true as is proven time and again. Our feelings are a lot more complex than that.We can have feelings for multiple people and different people give us different things and the problem is many MM cake eat because they try to cherry pick and get what they like from the OW and also remain married to get what they like from their spouse and married life, and think it will be wonderful if no one ever finds out.

 

I think a lot of OW get hurt when they don't understand that a MM in an A may not dislike his wife or not love her but simply also has feelings for you and is operating under the belief that he can enjoy you and your relationship in a compartment from his wife and their relationship and never the twain shall meet and therefore he isn't hurting anyone. I know this was my AP's mentality. I think MW and MM tend to be different in that way as well. Studies on infidelity have shown that MW's patterns often differ from MM's and more often than not a MW cheating will in fact be "out of love" and will make the move to leave whereas many MM express more conflicting feelings or don't express being out of love (or at least enough to leave) and less leave.

Edited May 8, 2014 by MissBee

[Owl]

What I want to hear is not black or white "this is good", "this is bad"; "do this", "don't do this". I do not want to hear judgement. I want to hear experiences of people who have been in my position and the MM's position. That gives me different perspectives, insight allowing me to learn: not just deal with what I have. Like people like carhill or Sub have provided already. I am thankful for that. That is what I hope to gain from posting on LS.

 

Just a thought...those that have had the same experiences will likely have the same opinion, same perspective...nothing to learn from, only something to reinforce your pre-existing viewpoint.

 

But...with that, I'll respect your wishes and remove myself from your thread. I hope that everything turns out the best way that it can for all of you involved in your situation...you, him, his family, and his wife.

[carhill]

OP, was the 'crisis' he was going through at the time you came together related to his marriage or another part of his life? No need to be specific. I ask because of your assertion that he was/is happy in his M.

 

Also, you posed the question about him 'loving you less' because he's happy with and staying with his family.... sure, that's possible. Only he knows for sure. IME, we love people differently, even within the realms of romantic love, versus platonic and familial love. We can have different textures of romantic feelings for different people in our lives. Is one love 'better' or 'more' than the other? Hard to quantify that. As humans, we are completely free to act in any way we choose and those actions don't have to or don't always necessary reflect our feelings. For some people, they always do reflect their feelings. For others, situationally. For others, rarely.

 

Is it really possible for men to fall deeply in love with OW, yet not wanting to cross the line of physical intimacy and yet stay married and with the family?

 

Sure, it's possible. One can 'fall in love' in different ways with different people. I experienced this with numerous OW's over the decades. Some men they fell in love with sexually; some emotionally, some 'total package'. For each person, their version of 'fall in love' is unique to them.

 

Another possibility is that the man in this case draws the line at sex in his particular version of infidelity. That's what I always did, as I considered the MW's unavailable for a sexual relationship since they were in a sexual relationship with someone else. Is that the case here? Unknown. Your MM knows.

[Daisy2013]

This question must have been asked and answered.

 

Is it really possible for men to fall deeply in love with OW, yet not wanting to cross the line of physical intimacy and yet stay married and with the family?

 

 

Yes, have experienced this exact scenario.

 

My MM's desire to be with me wasn't for sex. We were very physical, but intercourse was never a part of it for the most part. Oh how we longed for it, he just never made it happen except for one time. We loved each other very much. Sometimes they are looking for emotional intimacy or something else, as are we. Sometimes refraining from intercourse soothes their conscience and prevents that "unbreakable bond" that occurs once sex happens. Most times they love us, but cannot or will not leave the family.

[2sunny]

And sometimes since they don't participate in their M in a way that enhances the M because of history - it's just an easier yet cowardly way to seek out what they need from someone else instead of fixing what they helped break in their own lousy M.

 

So, in a sense, you're short changing yourself so he can get his needs and wants fulfilled from several women.

 

Yet he expects it "to be enough" for you - yet it's not good enough in his marriage.

 

Seems one sided from this perspective - sways in his favor yet short changes you in the long term.

 

Selfish and self serving at best. Throw in dishonesty and he's a real gem.

 

Yes, of course he can love both: one is comfort and security and the other is his escape from reality.

 

Most of all he loves himself.

Edited May 9, 2014 by 2sunny

[elitely]

It's possible to love more than one person at the same time. It is also possible to live and married to more than one person at the same time!! Polyamorous people can love and live with more than one person simultaneously....!