Happy in marriage and still in love with OW

[Chocolat]

If there is really is someone else out there that I deserve, would that I not find him anyway? Would he not be more powerful that what I have with the MM now and hence will steal me away?

 

No, because a healthy man won't pursue a woman caught up in an EA with a MM. He'd see this for the train wreck it would be in his own life.

[GreySkyMorning]

If there is really is someone else out there that I deserve, would that I not find him anyway? Would he not be more powerful that what I have with the MM now and hence will steal me away?

 

The problem is that you won't open yourself up to the possibility of there being someone out there as long as your heart is committed to MM. You'll always hold part of you back.

[janetl]

Yes it happens everyday.

 

I suppose my question is: if he is never leaving his family, what does it matter if he loves you in some type of theoretical or rather, strictly emotional sense.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

 

I think I said this before; the reason it matters is because this is the first and only time I have felt so much love, so much caring from a man and felt so much love and caring for him. And I am 45. This is the best and all I have so far. So I want to hang on to what I have.

[janetl]

Just a thought...those that have had the same experiences will likely have the same opinion, same perspective...nothing to learn from, only something to reinforce your pre-existing viewpoint.

 

But...with that, I'll respect your wishes and remove myself from your thread. I hope that everything turns out the best way that it can for all of you involved in your situation...you, him, his family, and his wife.

 

I did not mean to make any personal comment or suggest you leave the thread. To each his own. But I do not believe that same (or rather similar : cause I do not believe no two cases are exactly the same) experiences have same perspective and opinions : especially in hindsight. Lot of comments on my post have already given me lot more that "Get out of it, there's someone better out there" etc. Again, I am thankful for that.

[janetl]

Yes, have experienced this exact scenario.

 

My MM's desire to be with me wasn't for sex. We were very physical, but intercourse was never a part of it for the most part. Oh how we longed for it, he just never made it happen except for one time. We loved each other very much. Sometimes they are looking for emotional intimacy or something else, as are we. Sometimes refraining from intercourse soothes their conscience and prevents that "unbreakable bond" that occurs once sex happens. Most times they love us, but cannot or will not leave the family.

 

May I ask you to share why your relationship ended?

[janetl]

OP, was the 'crisis' he was going through at the time you came together related to his marriage or another part of his life? No need to be specific. I ask because of your assertion that he was/is happy in his M.

 

Also, you posed the question about him 'loving you less' because he's happy with and staying with his family.... sure, that's possible. Only he knows for sure. IME, we love people differently, even within the realms of romantic love, versus platonic and familial love. We can have different textures of romantic feelings for different people in our lives. Is one love 'better' or 'more' than the other? Hard to quantify that. As humans, we are completely free to act in any way we choose and those actions don't have to or don't always necessary reflect our feelings. For some people, they always do reflect their feelings. For others, situationally. For others, rarely.

 

 

 

Sure, it's possible. One can 'fall in love' in different ways with different people. I experienced this with numerous OW's over the decades. Some men they fell in love with sexually; some emotionally, some 'total package'. For each person, their version of 'fall in love' is unique to them.

 

Another possibility is that the man in this case draws the line at sex in his particular version of infidelity. That's what I always did, as I considered the MW's unavailable for a sexual relationship since they were in a sexual relationship with someone else. Is that the case here? Unknown. Your MM knows.

 

Thank you for your replies and insights / questions.

 

I know the crisis was not related to marriage. We work together (although not closely any more) and the nature of our work was such that it was hard for us to share anything with our families. However, it would be hard to imagine if that in turn actually affected his family or marriage.

 

If you don't mind, can you share little more about how you felt about the compartmentalizing? Did you not feel guilt at all? Did you share a lot about your spouse with your AP? Or kept it completely separate? What was the hardest thing? What was the biggest lesson learned?

 

Thanks again.

[movingon45]

This question must have been asked and answered.

 

Is it really possible?

 

I am in love with a MM who loves me too. I am single. We are very close, yet I don't know anything about his wife, I never asked, he never told. We know we will never be together; yet the bond we feel is so strong. We are in an emotional affair. We got closer when he was going through crisis. We were and still are great friends. We have been through honest open communications dealing with sexual attraction and getting over it and being able to see past it; and still sustain our relationship.

 

The thought has crossed my mind, but I never asked. Why did he not turn to his wife for emotional support during crisis? He had made clear from the beginning that he is happy with his family and never had intention of breaking anything. Still, we fell in love.

 

Is it really possible for men to fall deeply in love with OW, yet not wanting to cross the line of physical intimacy and yet stay married and with the family?

 

I do not want to think that he loves me any less because he is not going to leave his family. But is that it?

 

 

I think it's possible. MyExMM and I were very good at compartmentalizing and it was all good for about 3 years on and off until I had to end it because I guess I am not good at it after all! In the long run I guess I wanted more. My therapist told me that men and women are wired differently. Men can detach easily. I would have wanted my exMM to be my friend but it always ended up as more than friendship so I had to let him go - all of him Hurts like hell but if I didn't it would have hurt my marriage because I was beginning to prefer him more and more in the affair bubble.

[janetl]

The problem is that you won't open yourself up to the possibility of there being someone out there as long as your heart is committed to MM. You'll always hold part of you back.

 

This sounds argumentative. But I will say it anyway; if not for anything else, but to hear myself out.

 

I don't fall in love easily. I have had long bad marriage (10 years) after which for a long time (8 years) I was independent and happy before I met my MM. Was I not open to the possibility of any someone during that 8 years? I was. I dated on and off but I need so much in a relationship that it was hard to get anywhere. For whatever reasons my MM has been like no other before.

[Daisy2013]

May I ask you to share why your relationship ended?

 

It was a difficult place to be, expressing love, then having to say gpodbye and go our own ways. He struggled with guilt and would not go through another divorce, no matter what. He'd blow hot and cold, depending on his guilt level. I stayed feeling nauseated and at times wanting to just die because I would be hurting beyond measure. Still do sometimes. We shared something amazing as we were friends many years before the A. And I knew/know he loved me, he was also too selfish to bring on any discomfort to himself. It was all about his comfort level. I just had to stop because it was killing me inside. I was dead and in a bad M for years and he woke up something in me I don't know I had.

 

It stopped because we have no future and what's the point of it all, if not? We remain close friends and him still telling me the usual stuff and swears he gets no intimacy at home. But not my problem. It is hard to be friends because we want each other so.

[movingon45]

It was a difficult place to be, expressing love, then having to say gpodbye and go our own ways. He struggled with guilt and would not go through another divorce, no matter what. He'd blow hot and cold, depending on his guilt level. I stayed feeling nauseated and at times wanting to just die because I would be hurting beyond measure. Still do sometimes. We shared something amazing as we were friends many years before the A. And I knew/know he loved me, he was also too selfish to bring on any discomfort to himself. It was all about his comfort level. I just had to stop because it was killing me inside. I was dead and in a bad M for years and he woke up something in me I don't know I had.

 

It stopped because we have no future and what's the point of it all, if not? We remain close friends and him still telling me the usual stuff and swears he gets no intimacy at home. But not my problem. It is hard to be friends because we want each other so.

 

Oh Delia how can you be friends if you want each other so much? I wanted my exMM to be my friend, too because I think that we are soul mates. We were college sweethearts before the affair, but it's just so hard to be just friends so I had to let go of him completely. Hurts!

[janetl]

I was dead and in a bad M for years and he woke up something in me I don't know I had.

 

This is exactly where I am coming from. About a year with my MM even without sex has been so much, so so much more and deeper and wonderful than 10 years of marriage.

 

But like movingon45, I wonder. Can you stay friends when you are still in love and want each other so much? Hard does not even begin to describe it... How do you deal with it? As some other posters keep saying, does it not close you from a possibility of meeting "someone else"?

 

Apologies for too many questions but what you say strikes so much with me! Please answer only as much as you can / want.

[uncertaininlove]

Daisy, I read your comment "he woke up something inme I didn't know I had" and thats me, too.

 

I forgot how to play, he reminded me. No one ever takes care of me, he does, a few hours or days a month. I don't want to end my marriage with my job the way it is, maybe I am as selfish as anybody. But I gave and gave and gave for 14 years, and was denied affection, time with friends, and manipulated ib return. I am strong enough now to resist that stuff.

 

What's the point, sone people ask. The point is that for now I am finding happiness in a suboptimal situation, and there is some reward in that. Life is short, my husband and children need me, but I dsleserve some joy too.

 

It is ok to find joy in a situation "for now" until you need to change it.

 

(my situation is the same and different due to my husbands cancer and his allowing the affair, although my MOM's wife is not aware of the situation.)

[Poppygoodwill]

I'm sure that it's possible to compartmentalize and be in love with two people at the same time.

 

But is that good enough for *you*?

 

You are only in love with one person.

 

All your energy and love and goodwill is channeled toward him.

 

Whereas you only get half of his. Maybe that suits you; maybe you really do prefer a life of your own, with a romantic interest who will not impinge too far on your independence. If that's the case, then you have got the perfect set up (as long as the wife doesn't find out).

 

But if your independance is not prized above all else...do you really want to settle for getting half the love and attention from someone to whom you give 100%?

[Daisy2013]

This is exactly where I am coming from. About a year with my MM even without sex has been so much, so so much more and deeper and wonderful than 10 years of marriage.

 

But like movingon45, I wonder. Can you stay friends when you are still in love and want each other so much? Hard does not even begin to describe it... How do you deal with it? As some other posters keep saying, does it not close you from a possibility of meeting "someone else"?

 

Apologies for too many questions but what you say strikes so much with me! Please answer only as much as you can / want.

 

We have a saying, "We are we," meaning "it is what it is" and we just love each other in this messed up R. It's hard to explain. He says the chemistry and having someone adore and love him and desire him so much is a first for him also.

 

How do we stay friends? I "packed away" all hope of a future with him and accept what it is. It hurt at first, but I'm blocking pain so it is getting better. I don't give my heart so much anymore. And I've accepted that he is somewhat selfish and will never do anything to cause discomfort in his life, like the turmoil that would come for leaving for me. I don't know why we stay friends, but we do...for now. Perhaps it's an EA more than friendship. One day I'm sure it will end if/when his W finds confirms her suspicions.

 

He makes my days bearable and gives me a hope for my future even if without him. I've discovered I CAN love selflessly and be loved. My M killed my soul and I've sucked it up for my children. Now that one is moving on to college and the other has one year of HS before she moves on, this R has given me motivation to decide certain things because my life will start soon.

 

My posts are on here if you want to read them for details. Sorry if this is a T/J. Just answering questions.

[Ivy2014]

OP, I'm in a very similar situation to you (but it is a PA) and yes, I know he loves me but he will never leave. I don't know how long you've been involved with him but it's been about a year and a half for me. I think as it goes on it gets harder. I can't imagine not having him in my life but the relationship really can't grow into anything more.

 

I can't give you any advice but I do always try to keep in mind that nobody really knows what they are doing in life, we are all just winging it.

[janetl]

My posts are on here if you want to read them for details. Sorry if this is a T/J. Just answering questions.

 

It's not a T/J at all. I hear words from a strong woman who has been through a lot and is seeing her way as best as she can without losing the inner love and strength. I wish you well, and wish deeply that you find true happiness.

[Hope Shimmers]

This is exactly where I am coming from. About a year with my MM even without sex has been so much, so so much more and deeper and wonderful than 10 years of marriage.

 

But like movingon45, I wonder. Can you stay friends when you are still in love and want each other so much? Hard does not even begin to describe it... How do you deal with it? As some other posters keep saying, does it not close you from a possibility of meeting "someone else"?

 

Apologies for too many questions but what you say strikes so much with me! Please answer only as much as you can / want.

 

I was the first poster to your thread and I'm sorry if you found it to be judgmental or negative.

 

Actually I was in your position (for more than 10 years) so I know how you feel. I also was in a terrible marriage (for 15 years) then met MM and he was my everything... I have never loved anyone more, connected with anyone more, etc.

 

It was clear from your posts that this guy does not intend to leave his marriage. I did not even get to that stage (because we were planning a future together and he was divorcing) until several YEARS into the affair. So you have it right there in front of you and don't have to wait years to find out, like I did... believe me, it gets worse after many years...

 

I can also tell you a lot about how difficult it is to be "friends" with a man who you want oh, so much more from... years worth of that too.

 

I'm sorry if my words were harsh but if I could be in your shoes all over again, I would get out, no matter how painful it was to do so. Nothing is more painful than waiting endless years first, before finally realizing you have to get out.

 

I know you don't believe it, but there are other guys out there. This is not the only man in the world, even if it feels like it now.