He confessed, I forgave. Why can't I stop trying to 'pay him back' for it?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

A few weeks ago the guy I've been seeing for the past 10 months confessed he'd slept with about a half dozen other girls in the first half of our relationship.

 

It started out casual between us, but shortly after our first time in the sack he pushed for exclusivity. I agreed; as it were I had no interest in pursuing anyone else anyway.

 

Fast forward to April when out of the blue, on Saturday night after much drinking I asked him flat out if he'd slept with anyone else since the summer. He confessed to what I believe is everything. Over the next several days/weeks I asked for details which he gave me. It was painful, but I had to know.

 

He'd slept with classmates, neighbors, even an ex fling over winter break. I was hurt, but in March I'd started going on (formal) dates with other guys so I wasn't completely innocent myself.

 

After talking things out with friends, family and the man himself I made my peace with it. He swears he's been faithful for all of 2014 and I'm inclined to believe him. I feel little to no sense of betrayal anymore and I feel like I've forgiven him.

 

However, I can't help but want to hurt him. It's not even intentional; however I find myself being hurtful regardless. I'm sometimes rude to him, I ignore him when he clearly needs me and I do s**tty things to chip away at his self-esteem. I feel like I've forgiven him completely but when the opportunity presents itself, I try to toy with his emotions and cause him pain whenever I can. In public, when other guys hit on me I flirt back instead of pointing to him and letting them know I have a boyfriend. I leave my phone on the table so when other guys call he can clearly see. I'm no longer availble for actual dates and instead treat him like a f*kbuddy, etc, etc.

 

In my heart I feel no anger or hurt anymore, but my mind can't help but think of all the times I was a good girl, that I was "there" for him when he needed me, etc and envision how all the while he was screwing countless other girls.

 

I take pleasure in making him feel bad but it makes me feel bad too. After I do or say mean things or ignore his calls, it makes me sad. But I can't stop. Does this sadistic desire eventually go away? How do I stop it?

[Trimmer]

After talking things out with friends, family and the man himself I made my peace with it.... I feel little to no sense of betrayal anymore and I feel like I've forgiven him.

I don't think so:

 

However, I can't help but want to hurt him.

You may have decided you intend to forgive him; you may want to be at peace with it, but the reality of your actual behavior sits in stark contrast to those intentions.

 

I would suggest that the desire to forgive and actually achieving forgiveness and inner peace are two very different things. In the immediate aftermath of the revelation of infidelity, some folks jump to "forgiveness" as a part of the solution. In order to get back what I so deeply want, and mourn the loss of, it's obvious that it will require forgiveness on my part. So Poof: I forgive you - now can we go back like it was before?

 

That's a desire and an intention, but it isn't the same thing as actually achieving it inside.

 

You say you don't feel anger or hurt in your heart, but are you sure?

 

In my heart I feel no anger or hurt anymore, but my mind can't help but think of all the times I was a good girl, that I was "there" for him when he needed me, etc and envision how all the while he was screwing countless other girls.

That's not hurt?

 

I am not qualified to psychoanalyze, but I do know that we are masters of burying anger, hurt, grief, pain, and all their cousins, and denying their presence in order to get through a traumatic experience. But anger and hurt aren't just single, simple emotions. They come in different forms, and both hide, and show themselves in different ways.

 

If you are wanting to hurt him, if you are imagining how when you were "there for him" and he was out screwing countless others, if you get sadistic satisfaction from hurting him back, do you really think you have forgiven him? That you are at peace?

 

(And please don't take those as criticisms of your reactions - I think they are completely understandable, especially for someone who is less than a month into the discovery of his extensive and wanton cheating, and who might be suppressing some serious hurt and betrayal. I'm just saying that the very real behaviors you are exhibiting don't match up with the idea that you think you have forgiven him and are at peace.)

[Candy_Pants]

Trimmer hit the nail on its head.

 

You haven't forgiven him. Can you? Only you know that. If you can't then it's time to move on.

 

You KNOW you're purposely punishing him, which means you can consciously stop. And I hope you do, more for yourself than anything else.

[Grumpybutfun]

I think you really wanted to make your peace with it so you could move on from it, but there is no peace in your heart. You see we are just as responsible for outer decisions regarding how we handle someone else's bad behavior as they are for playing out bad behavior....you accepted his sorries and you tried to not let the toxicity of cheating ruin your relationship, and your subconscious is not standing for it. You haven't forgotten and you haven't forgiven and you are in denial not only in front of him but to yourself that you are really angry about this deep down and you don't understand how someone who asked for exclusivity could then turn around and DO the opposite. You are a smart woman, I can tell from your posts, you know that we can hide our feelings from the entire world, push them so far down that no one never need see them. However, our feelings will out us, they will expose our pain and anger even when we aren't consciously aware they still exist. Time to talk to someone about this, really figure out how you really feel and talk to him about boundaries and how much this hurt you to your core. Time to really think about if this guy is someone you see a future with or someone who just blew his only honest and true chance with you for a LTR.

Really forgive and forget, do the work to get over this or move on,passive aggressiveness will suck your heart right out of you,

Grumps

[harrybrown]

When he confessed, you told him about your formal dates, right?

 

I do not think you will be able to forgive him at this time.

 

It would be better for both of you to break up and move on. You are hurting each other.

 

I hope becoming mean to your SO does not become a habit. This will not lead to long-term happiness.

 

And he will only be able to take the punishment for so long. Then things get could get much worse. He could blow up at someone that you are flirting with in front of him.

 

Time to end it and move on.

[crederer]

It doesn't sound like you've forgiven him and frankly doesn't sound like you should. I personally would not be able to forgive a partner for that, myself. And I'm kind of upset just thinking about being in your shoes.

[mangetout]

Sorry but the trust is gone. You have underlying resentment and it will never leave you. It may become less intense but it will never leave.

 

 

Best to move on. It will be better for you in the long run

[soccerrprp]

You have not forgiven him. That is clear. You are dating a player. Half a dozen women during the first half of your dating????? That's at least 6 in 5-months!!! While the two of you were dating...so, you were a part of his conquests, harem. So, the exclusivity was recent? If so, you really don't have much say in what he's done before. In fact you dated "formally" as well during this time.

 

I don't see this working out. No trust, no forgiveness (in fact, it's straight animosity and resentment), sleeping around and dating behind each other's backs...no sound foundation here for anything healthy.

Edited May 7, 2014 by soccerrprp

[Leigh 87]

Hey there,

 

My boyfriend was so smitten with me on our first date that he didn't WANT to go on dates with other women.

 

I am not into guys who need time to figure out if I am better than their other options.

 

That is me though. Most people take a couple of months or at least a few dates to figure out "who" they like the best out of all their "prospects"

 

Do as you please, but consider that there are many people like me who KNOW if we are into someone right away, rather than having to " take time" to figure out how into them we are.

[Leigh 87]

Lastly,

 

I happen to pick men who don't sleep around that much and prefer relationships to casual fun.

 

They are a MUCH safer bet, although my good friend did find a guy who fell madly in love with her who had slept with over 40 women. The instant he met her he got such a good feeling about her and didn't sleep with another woman since.

[TheWalkingMan]

I think it would be best if you broke up with him.