The Final Chapters - Divorcing the Narcissist { Warning - long}

[everynowandthen]

Hi! I am hoping someone reading this will be able to help or shed some light on this situation for me. I have been separated from my ex for 4 years , we had 2 children together who are now 8 & 10. At the time of separation, there was talk of doing the alternate week arrangement but I fought hard at the time to have the children with me majority of the time and at the time I pretty much said I didn't want anything from him financially as long as I had the kids. Ofcouse , I was and am very emotional. Recently as our paperwork got drawn up and as per legal advice , I asked him to make a small provision from his asset pool so that I had enough money to put down a deposit on a house and from that point things have gone completely pear shaped. He wants me to drop all financial claims or he will take me to court to fight for 50% custody of the children which I am aware he is likely to get seeing the children are older.

A lot of people have said to me , let him go through with it, let him realise how hard it is to raise children but my argument is do I put my children through the agony just to prove a point. He has never been an involved father academically or otherwise. Heck , he doesn't even pay full child support while he himself lives in 5 bdr house and we rent an apartment. They see him every second weekend and that has worked out okay for all this time and and I know he is doing this to corner me in to giving in , he knows the children are my weakness and I will never give them up.

My family thinks I should go through with the litigation and see what happens because its not like he will stop agnising me and creating drama in our life if I give up. I just think its in his personality , infact if I don't drop claims, he will try to harm me more and most likley emotionally damage the kids. He has already warned me that if he has to sell the house to give me a settlement amount, he will tell the kids it was because of me.

Today I tried to follow up with him as his lawyer was meant to get back to mine last week and these are his exact words - unedited

 

"Fyi on response matter. You have been changing your tune every 5 mins. It appears that we will have to go thru the litigation. Guess what ive no issue with that and probly wrong advice you may have given that i wouldnt go that far. Ive spoken to my parents about your intentions now that its clear what you r after and tried to set me up. So on that note, therefore obviously this means the orders will be drawn up from scratch and more money for the lawyers considering its now a dispute case rather than. I was being naive to believe you all this time, "I dont want anything" remember? Such a lier!. Anyway if you cant wait then go ahead and file it in the court."

 

My immediate thoughts are , I don't give a rats about your money , I just wish I could pack up and leave but its not that easy when there are children involved. We are obviously dealing with a narcissist here. I need your help. What do I do, protect my children's sanity and walk away is what my heart says . Mind says , tear him down and give it all I've got.

what would you do ? Have you been in a similar situation? Would love to hear some thoughts.

 

thanks

[M30USA]

What evidence is there that he is a narcissist? Is it wrong for him to want 50/50 custody? It's not like he's asking for 100% like you are. The fact that you say "tear him down" suggests that you might have issues yourself.

Edited May 7, 2014 by M30USA

[Yasuandio]

What evidence is there that he is a narcissist? Is it wrong for him to want 50/50 custody? It's not like he's asking for 100% like you are. The fact that you say "tear him down" suggests that you might have issues yourself.

 

I really don't like to agree with something like this without knowing a person. But I will tell u something interesting. I am a well read woman on Narcissism, and absolututely convinced I was married to one.

 

Now, by accident, I can to see so sealed medical testing that was done on me. Now the doctor that performed the evaluation did not form this diagnosis, and tests, especially psychological tests are not always to be taken literally and must be triangulated with other diagnostic measures to form an accurate psychiatric diagnosis. I know this in my gut and brain, because testing and measurement was the focus of my Ph.D. Dissertation. But to my astonishment, the paper/pencil test's first diagnosis foe ME was Narcissism! Talk about a shock! Haha!

 

Neither of my regular practioner agreed. But I couldn't let it go. It was test - and I wascompletely honest on that test. So, I started ablating mine and everyone else's behavior patterns around me - including the psycologist. I determined he was in need of a patient like me - that would suck his supply, that is why he tolerated my disobidience, sailor mouth, and tendency to tell him off - cause I would over study most areas we were examining and challenge him all the time.

 

You know what he told, he said, "Yas, maybe what you think you know is a

confirmation bias to the material you shouldn't have seen from the Court.". I had to agree, and at the same time - I came up with another theory. I called it, Narcissism by proxy. I felt, at that point, that I still was showing traits of Narcissism, but they were not my true personality - the were mechanisms I had used to mirror in order to cope with my former husband's Narcissism. And they were real. Doctor agreed that could be true and perhaps why the (what we call an "artifact") showed up on the Test).

 

So beware. I feel like a very cold, non empathetic person these days (after some 27 year marriage with him). And I used to be the sweetest girl. Beware beware! Yas

[The Like Fairy]

Proceed in whatever manner is fair and equitable to both parties involved, and in the best interests of the kids.

 

If forced to choose between these two concepts, choose what is in the best interests of the kids.

 

Get the opinion of your divorce lawyer. They have insight and experience on these matters and how they generally play out in court.

 

Don't pay any attention to the threats, bluffs, ridicule, harassment, and other random noise coming from your soon-to-be-ex.

 

Go 'No Contact' with him (other than absolute essential matters in which he must be notified, such as child emergencies, think hospitalization, etc) and leave the rest of the communications to the attorneys.

 

Good luck!

[Radu]

OP, i have to ask a few things :

- how much did you ask ?

- what is the conservative evaluation on his assets ?

- how do the kids like him ?

- how much was he supposed to pay / month normally ?

- how much does he pay / month normally ?

 

I really don't like to agree with something like this without knowing a person. But I will tell u something interesting. I am a well read woman on Narcissism, and absolututely convinced I was married to one.

 

Now, by accident, I can to see so sealed medical testing that was done on me. Now the doctor that performed the evaluation did not form this diagnosis, and tests, especially psychological tests are not always to be taken literally and must be triangulated with other diagnostic measures to form an accurate psychiatric diagnosis. I know this in my gut and brain, because testing and measurement was the focus of my Ph.D. Dissertation. But to my astonishment, the paper/pencil test's first diagnosis foe ME was Narcissism! Talk about a shock! Haha!

 

Neither of my regular practioner agreed. But I couldn't let it go. It was test - and I wascompletely honest on that test. So, I started ablating mine and everyone else's behavior patterns around me - including the psycologist. I determined he was in need of a patient like me - that would suck his supply, that is why he tolerated my disobidience, sailor mouth, and tendency to tell him off - cause I would over study most areas we were examining and challenge him all the time.

 

You know what he told, he said, "Yas, maybe what you think you know is a

confirmation bias to the material you shouldn't have seen from the Court.". I had to agree, and at the same time - I came up with another theory. I called it, Narcissism by proxy. I felt, at that point, that I still was showing traits of Narcissism, but they were not my true personality - the were mechanisms I had used to mirror in order to cope with my former husband's Narcissism. And they were real. Doctor agreed that could be true and perhaps why the (what we call an "artifact") showed up on the Test).

 

So beware. I feel like a very cold, non empathetic person these days (after some 27 year marriage with him). And I used to be the sweetest girl. Beware beware! Yas

 

It's pretty well known that if someone lives with a PD for a long period of time, they eventually adopt some of their mannerisms and coping mechanism, which could result in such a false-positive.

As for your therapist, he was a rent-a-friend and not a real therapist.

[Yasuandio]

OP, i have to ask a few things :

- how much did you ask ?

- what is the conservative evaluation on his assets ?

- how do the kids like him ?

- how much was he supposed to pay / month normally ?

- how much does he pay / month normally ?

 

 

 

As for your therapist, he was a rent-a-friend and not a real therapist.

 

 

 

Oh, I really like that, Radu. I never looked at it that way, because, Medicare pays 80% of his fee! One time I missed an appointment and he tried to charge me that full fee he charges regular clients without Medicare discount - and he got a scary side of my mind. He should have only charged me for what he would have really lost (not his real life fee to society)! He never tried that crap again. I think he is seriously intimtimided OR respects me. A missed appointment should not exceed Medicare's pay-out price with my co-pay, period. After my little lecture, he wrote it off. (Try's to make an extra $75 because the battery is dead on my car, what a jerk. He looked beet red when I got done with him).

 

I think he "may" be somewhat decent - he is one of very tiny few that has actually apologized when I've called him on an error in judgment. (Or he's afraid I'll dis him on the Internet - who knows). I have a pretty bad temper - but usually, I'm in the right. No doctors like to admit to being wrong.

 

But I agree with you - I think he is playing friends, and I'm going to bear that in mind. For my $25.73, he's collecting another 80%.

 

"It's pretty well known that if someone lives with a PD for a long period of time, they eventually adopt some of their mannerisms and coping mechanism, which could result in such a false-positive."

 

Yes, False Pseudo-Positive. But beware of Monsters under the bed. Yas

 

 

Rent-A-Friend he is, for sure. I'd like to kick his azz. But Medicare pays, and I have to go to collect my disability.

 

[everynowandthen]

Thank you so much , makes a lot of sense

 

Proceed in whatever manner is fair and equitable to both parties involved, and in the best interests of the kids.

 

If forced to choose between these two concepts, choose what is in the best interests of the kids.

 

Get the opinion of your divorce lawyer. They have insight and experience on these matters and how they generally play out in court.

 

Don't pay any attention to the threats, bluffs, ridicule, harassment, and other random noise coming from your soon-to-be-ex.

 

Go 'No Contact' with him (other than absolute essential matters in which he must be notified, such as child emergencies, think hospitalization, etc) and leave the rest of the communications to the attorneys.

 

Good luck!

[everynowandthen]

@Radu

 

I asked for $120k

conservative evaluation is $300k

The kids like him and look up to him albeit eldest is beginning to see the cracks - he has started doing crazy things like taking him aside and asking him to swear if he has private talks with me.

He was assessed to pay $1200 in child support

He pays $700

We have been separated for 4 years.

 

 

OP, i have to ask a few things :

- how much did you ask ?

- what is the conservative evaluation on his assets ?

- how do the kids like him ?

- how much was he supposed to pay / month normally ?

- how much does he pay / month normally ?

[amaysngrace]

I'd roll the dice and tell him how great it would be if you could split parenting. Tell him you don't have much free time and sharing the responsibility of raising two children would be wonderful.

 

Then tell him you want the money so that they don't have to live in an apartment half the time. All of it. All $300K.

 

I'm betting you'll get sole custody and your down payment and you won't even have to go to trial. Because really the best thing to do is reach a settlement agreement.

 

And if he agrees to keep the $180K for you to have sole custody make sure that you get the full amount of child support since they will be with you full time.

Edited May 13, 2014 by amaysngrace