Are some people incapable of LTR success?

[FredJones80]

Greetings.

 

Just wondering your thoughts on this. My ex left me after our decade long relationship (yes, I harp on about it so you probably already know to death) and because my mind has nothing better to do and I'm always looking for answers I'll never get I wondered if some people are just incapable of taking a relationship the full distance, meaning that my relationship from day one was never going to go anywhere long long term.

 

The reason I say this is because my ex has now had 3 LTR's (including ours) the first was violent so that pretty much discounts it as a viable "forever" relationship, the second two was her last and our recent one. All 3 lasted between 6 and 10 years.

 

The second got as far as kids, nearly marriage blah blah. Ours got nearly marriage.

 

Anyway, just wondering if some people either just don't want or can't make a relationship last after X amount of years.

 

I know it really doesn't matter and I don't need to be told "forget analysing, its over" etc. Its just more of a hypothetical question in general of if you think some people will never make relationships last for whatever reason, unbringing, situations that happened to them in life, whatever.

 

Does this count as a "Relationship Hopper" - People who hop from relationship to relationship and never spend any real good period of time single in between. I read up on it and it appears people chase the feeling of being "in love" rather than just "loving" one person.

 

Oh and with this, does this make me wrong for hanging on to a relationship that may not of been right? I don't feel I did, nor did I feel the relationship was wrong, but like Pfenixphire (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/437625-i-finally-understand-why-my-last-relationship-failed) said, everyone is responsible for their own part of the relationship, you get back what you put in. After a good length of time, 4-5 years maybe, I couldn't see myself giving up unless something serious happened (like cheating) - perhaps that's something wrong with me?

Edited May 7, 2014 by FredJones80

[Strength in Healing]

As you know, it's a complicated question. But in psychology, I suspect there is a reason she always falls short of marriage.

 

Of course, as with almost, if not ALL things in life, it has to do with her past...

 

Perhaps she witnessed things in her parents marriage that scarred her and she repressed it... or maybe her parents never got married so she doesn't believe in it.. or maybe a parent died and she doesn't understand marriage.

 

Or she witnessed something in a friends' parent's marriage at a young age.

 

 

The fact is, she seems to not be able to pull the trigger. From the time frames you've listed, it's likely she's too old to change. She should have sought help and therapy a long time ago from a psychologist..

[FredJones80]

The fact is, she seems to not be able to pull the trigger. From the time frames you've listed, it's likely she's too old to change. She should have sought help and therapy a long time ago from a psychologist..

 

She actually did want to get married about a year or two before we split and probably something we were working towards in the future, it wasn't on the cards as in "a few months off"

 

Whats your feeling on the relationship time period? I'm not trying to find excuses, the very valid reason could be, she just wasn't in to me anymore, hard as it is for me, I have to face facts, people change, etc.

 

Its just after 3 long term relationships, all of good length, it makes me question, aside from the first, what is she (or people similar) looking for? There is no person out there perfect in every way for someone else so certain things have to be "overlooked" or "accepted" about our partners.

 

Discounting marriage as a deciding factor, do you (Strength in Healing) or anyone else think some people are incapable of keeping a relationship going?

 

I'm not saying they are or aren't just wondering about views.

 

Strength in Healing you seem to know a lot about psychology (i assume you study or studied it) and yes, you're correct she has witnessed a lot of things in her life (not about marriage per se), a lot of it which she should of had therapy for, this I know for fact, but as you say, it may be somewhat too late for that now - seems such a shame because it opens up so many what ifs again for me, is she like this because XYZ, if she had had therapy years ago would we ABC etc.

 

I won't keep beating myself up about things but I honestly feel everyone's past (especially if they've had a very turbulent one for whatever reason) dictates how they cope and react with life and relationships and leads me back to the same question, was my relationship doomed from day one because of this.

Edited May 7, 2014 by FredJones80

[BC1980]

Were you the one who wanted to get married? Was it truly mutual? I think my ex would have stayed with me indefinitely, but I was upfront that I wanted marriage at some point. I think if I had never wanted that, we would still be together. He has a long history of not being able to commit to much of anything. Things we might say were simple like if his son should have a certain video game or not. Look at the overall pattern of behavior.

[FredJones80]

Were you the one who wanted to get married? Was it truly mutual? I think my ex would have stayed with me indefinitely, but I was upfront that I wanted marriage at some point. I think if I had never wanted that, we would still be together.

 

She mostly wanted to get married, but I suspect that is true for most women, they have the dream from childhood, men less so. The same with children.

 

I suppose it depends how much importance you put on marriage, for me the person I am with is so much more important that just "marriage" - It is like saying, "I love you, but you won't marry me, I will leave you" but find someone else and marry them even though you might love them less (or not at all) just for the sake of marriage.

 

In that instance its like getting married because you want to marry rather than you want to marry the person you're with.

 

If that made sense.

 

We've gone a little OT here but you make some interesting points BC1980. Out of interest, was it worth losing someone you loved just for the sake of marriage? Or was there more behind the split.

[BC1980]

She mostly wanted to get married, but I suspect that is true for most women, they have the dream from childhood, men less so. The same with children.

 

I suppose it depends how much importance you put on marriage, for me the person I am with is so much more important that just "marriage" - It is like saying, "I love you, but you won't marry me, I will leave you" but find someone else and marry them even though you might love them less (or not at all) just for the sake of marriage.

 

In that instance its like getting married because you want to marry rather than you want to marry the person you're with.

 

If that made sense.

 

We've gone a little OT here but you make some interesting points BC1980. Out of interest, was it worth losing someone you loved just for the sake of marriage? Or was there more behind the split.

 

It was an odd ending to our relationship. He always said he wanted marriage too, but I questioned how honest he was. I think he liked the idea of marriage. Then again, maybe he just didn't want to marry me. At one time, I did suggest simply living together, and he said he wanted it to lead to marriage. I honestly don't think he was going to marry me, but he sorta forced the issue by telling me he wanted to get married, getting the engagement ring, telling our families, ect. It was like the elephant in the room after that. Just really odd behavior from him. I was always taken aback how much he initiated commitment and marriage, only to back step.

 

He was the classic one who pushes commitment early and steps back. It's like he overestimated how much he could actually committ when it came down to it. Yes, it was worth it to loose him because he was never going to accept me or commit to me.

[Got it]

I would see that as more of a serial monogamist than a relationship hopper. You would expect, I would think, to see a higher frequency of turnover to be considered a hopper. I would think 1-3 years would be more fitting for that title.

[FredJones80]

It was an odd ending to our relationship. He always said he wanted marriage too, but I questioned how honest he was. I think he liked the idea of marriage. Then again, maybe he just didn't want to marry me. At one time, I did suggest simply living together, and he said he wanted it to lead to marriage. I honestly don't think he was going to marry me, but he sorta forced the issue by telling me he wanted to get married, getting the engagement ring, telling our families, ect. It was like the elephant in the room after that. Just really odd behavior from him. I was always taken aback how much he initiated commitment and marriage, only to back step.

 

He was the classic one who pushes commitment early and steps back. It's like he overestimated how much he could actually committ when it came down to it. Yes, it was worth it to loose him because he was never going to accept me or commit to me.

 

Ah, so you didn't even move in together? I can see how that would start to bug you, like no moving forward at all.

[FredJones80]

I would see that as more of a serial monogamist than a relationship hopper. You would expect, I would think, to see a higher frequency of turnover to be considered a hopper. I would think 1-3 years would be more fitting for that title.

 

Yeah, you sound about right.

 

Just very odd. If people aren't compatible they usually discover that after the honeymoon phase, like a year or two. That's why I think there are a lot of posts about relationships of that length.

 

Personally (and it is only my view) once you start getting up to a good number of years, perhaps 6-7+ then you must know you're compatible enough to have lasted this distance... maybe some people just get bored after a good chunk of time?

 

I'm none the wiser.

[iris219]

Actually, your ex sounds like she has fairly successful relationships. Between 6 and 10 years isn't bad. Most relationships fail, so they aren't necessarily meant to be forever.

 

Sure, there are people who can't maintain a LTR for a variety of reasons, but that means they don't or can't have relationships that last years. There are people who have never had serious relationships, though they've tried.

[FredJones80]

Actually, your ex sounds like she has fairly successful relationships. Between 6 and 10 years isn't bad. Most relationships fail, so they aren't necessarily meant to be forever.

 

I guess.

 

I suppose I'm more of a "forever" type of person.

 

What irks me is the lack of space in between those relationships which lead me to this question, so basically for the past 20 years she has never been "alone" and in each of the three is always the dumper.

 

Perhaps I'm reading too much in to it, just find it all very interesting.

[FredJones80]

Between 6 and 10 years isn't bad. Most relationships fail, so they aren't necessarily meant to be forever.

 

As another thought... 7-Year Itch

[Got it]

Yeah, you sound about right.

 

Just very odd. If people aren't compatible they usually discover that after the honeymoon phase, like a year or two. That's why I think there are a lot of posts about relationships of that length.

 

Personally (and it is only my view) once you start getting up to a good number of years, perhaps 6-7+ then you must know you're compatible enough to have lasted this distance... maybe some people just get bored after a good chunk of time?

 

I'm none the wiser.

 

 

I think it falls in line with the "7 year itch" syndrome. I think that there are ebbs and flows or key points along the way for relationships and while the 1-2 year mark may be one, I think there is another re-evaluation period" at the 10 year mark, etc. There highest periods of divorce are during the first couple years, when the kids are very young and then when the kids leave the house. People reevaluate their lives and reassess.

[MissBee]

Relationships which last 6-10 years are pretty long in my eyes...heck some marriages don't even make it that far.

 

I don't get what you mean by longterm....do you simply mean forever???

 

A 6-10 year relationship is pretty long term, just because it may eventually end doesn't mean the person isn't capable of something long term, as they were....it just came to some kind of end after a time.

 

I've yet to have a relationship that lasted (drama free and healthy) for more than 2 years. I haven't given up hope though that's it's possible and I'm still young but point is: if someone can commit for a decade, they have no issues with having longterm relationships.

 

You may be getting hung up on it ending and using that as a measure but I don't think you should do that. More and more I realize that one shouldn't use a relationship ending as the measure. I could understand you talking about someone who's only had months long or less than 3 year relationships (cause heck, I've wondered that about myself if I'll ever go "the distance") but someone who has had 6-10 year relationships is NOT in that category IMO.

[carhill]

Are some people incapable of LTR success?

 

Yes, even if they are otherwise capable of, and successful having, long term relationships.

 

Their flavor of 'romance' may not match up with their audience; they may choose inappropriate partners to try their capabilities on; they may be simply unattractive in the romantic sense. Etc, etc.

 

They can still enjoy wonderful familial and platonic friendships and be a positive influence in the world, both in the micro and macro sense. Given there are billions of people in the world, what any one of us experiences in our lifetime is but a speck of sand on a giant beach of human experience. What we observe personally is just that, personal. If we see people coupled up and believe that to be conclusive evidence of LTR success, that is what we believe. If we see people alone and/or uncoupled and believe those to be examples of incapability to have LTR success, then that is what we believe. The same applies when looking in the mirror.

 

OP, let's surmise that you are a very successful LTR person. Do you believe that makes you better than a person who is incapable (using the title word) of LTR success? Why? What about your success at forming long term romantic relationships elevates you to a strata of human existence that a person not 'capable' does not or cannot experience?

 

Interesting.

[jt27]

I understand where you are coming from Fred. I think my ex may fall into the catagory of relationship hopper. Maybe even GIGS. I am making assumptions as I really can't know for sure.

 

She too hasn't been single almost all her adult life, save for a couple months. She jumped right from her previous relationship into one with me. That one lasted about 3 years just like ours. Her previous relationship lasted about the same amount of time too. I am almost certain she is in another relationship already. She is looking for the "one'.

 

I do believe it has something to do with her childhood/past and how her parents behave(d) during their marriage and how she reacted it when she was younger. I have been told things by her and her mother regarding this. It saddens me to this day and probably always will. Their marriage was by no means perfect which may be the reason why she wants a "perfect" guy or "fairytale". She doesn't want a marriage like her parents and only the perfect guy/perfect relationship can prevent that from happening.

[FredJones80]

I find all this stuff interesting, for anyone who is serious about the question I asked have a read of :-

 

A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research | R. Chris Fraley

 

How you are brought up, your parents dictate a lot on how you perceive adult relationships and also how well they work.

 

Interesting stuff.

[FredJones80]

I do believe it has something to do with her childhood/past and how her parents behave(d) during their marriage and how she reacted it when she was younger. I have been told things by her and her mother regarding this. It saddens me to this day and probably always will. Their marriage was by no means perfect which may be the reason why she wants a "perfect" guy or "fairytale". She doesn't want a marriage like her parents and only the perfect guy/perfect relationship can prevent that from happening.

 

Yes, I think you're right, from the things I've been reading it is about accurate, sad but true Take a look at the link above, its quite long but might answer some questions.

[jt27]

Yeah, I remember reading about attachment theory in psych class in college. It applies to my ex to some degree. I almost wish it wasn't this way, so I could just hate her. Instead, I feel sadness for her and just want to be there for her. Ugh.

[Phoe]

Well, I've yet to have an LTR.

 

Shortest was 1 month, there were two that made it to about 7 months, and right now I'm about to hit 6 months.

 

 

6 months is as far as I've ever made it before the guy cheated.

 

 

 

 

I don't see this as me being incapable of an LTR.

 

 

My current relationship looks like it's gonna be lasting, it's already close to becoming my longest one yet, and there's no chance of cheating even being a THOUGHT.

 

 

My chances are looking very good right now

[Phoe]

I must say though, in my case there was no hopping from relationship to relationship.

 

There was about 6 months between the first two, then a huge 6 year gap, then about another 6 months between the last two. I spent most of my adult life single.