sadlylost Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 I have lurked around here for months and months and finally decided to see if others have any insight or have been in my position. a bit of background about me and my situation. I am a mother of 2 preteen children and wife to a stay at home dad. I work in an industry that requires quite a bit of travel so I am on the road usually 2 weeks per month on slow months or all month on busier months, I do however get to come home on the weekends so I see my children weekly. I make a very good living doing what I do and it enables my family to want for nothing. My husband would tell you I asked him to stay home 6 years ago to allow me to advance my career, however that is a lie we tell everyone as he was laid off and never called back, he didn't want society to think of him as a deadbeat. I went along with the story and started supporting my family fully, in return I have been looked down on by society for not being home enough with my children. I married very young and up until 6 years ago was expected to contribute to half of the family expenses as not working was never an option. The only time I have not had an income in the 20 years we have been married are the 3 months after my youngest child was born and even then I was told I had to figure a way to make money as my half of the bills would not be covered, so I took on a babysitting job while on maternity leave. Over the last 20 years I have managed to maintain my BS and my MBA all while working fulltime and raising the children. My husband over the years has been very verbally abusive to me and has had no issues belittling me in front of others. Current state: About a month ago I had had enough and asked for a separation. I offered the idea of him staying in the house when I traveled and me staying there when I was home, as well as me giving him a decent weekly payment to help his cost of living when not at the house. Basically I wanted as little trouble for the children as possible. This worked for about 2 weeks but I now have tremendous pressure from everyone as to them how awful am I to put someone out who gave up his career to allow me to advance. My husband is very emotional now and crying about how he would have nothing if I left and that I am the most important thing to him and that he sees how badly verbally he has treated me and will work on it. I did have an interview for a local position but was encouraged to cancel as the cut in pay would be hard on my family and everyone thought I just inquired about it as a beginning plan to file for divorce. I guess my question is has anyone else felt so pressured to stay status quo that you just went along, even though deep down you knew it was wrong? If so did you ever get passed it and be ok in your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 I don't have any experience so take my opinion with a grain of salt, but... Firstly, why do you have to pay "your half of the bills" - you're married fgs. Surely you're a couple, a partnership, when one hurts, the other hurts, when one is winning, the other is too. This sounds like a bad footing to start off with. I don't believe you should stay with him "just because" but consider it very carefully and fight for your marriage. You made a vow many years ago and you should really try until the n'th degree to make it work. If it doesn't then there is nothing more you can do, can't stay in something your unhappy with after you've tried your best. Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Beware OP, beware! I had a similar situation like your H only i didn't just raise my daughter, I have a small business. Needless to say I made less than she did (XW). Not saying that what your H is doing is OK (frankly I would go nuts), but since you have been the primary earner you may get stuck paying for him. Here in my state I was entitled to alimony/maintenance and child support; I did not take this because I can provide for myself, but in your case it may be different. When any of us, man or woman, are out of work I feel it has a negative effect on us. Having something to do may improve things around the house not to mention financially. I would consult an attorney in your area before you do anything, that fact that you are the sole bread winner may put you in a situation where you will have to pay. Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Being out of work for 6 weeks? That's OK. Being out of work for 6 months? Mmmmm...the way things have been, that's acceptable. Being out of work for 6 years? Um, no. Unacceptable. That means he has no real interest in working. I would probably, before separating or divorcing, tell him that you need to see some effort on his part to gain employment and contribute. If he doesn't, you don't know that you'll be able to continue on with him. He doesn't have to get some amazing job, but even if he got something decent or even part-time, think of the financial improvement you would experience, as well as a sense of equity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadlylost Posted May 7, 2014 Author Share Posted May 7, 2014 I agree, I have spoken to an attorney and yes I would be obligated to pay support. That is one part I am fully aware of and have no problem with as I would not want him to suffer until he was able to support himself. My issue is that I feel pressure to just keep things as they are even though I am completely emotionally detached. I don't enjoy being around my husband, I don't like him as a person. I feel like over the last 20 years I have grown and he has stayed stagnant. I feel like every hurtful word and action he has done over the years has slowly built this wall around me that is impossible to dissemble. He suggested MC and I agreed however he expects me to find the counselor, which with work and travel finding free time is hard. We took the 5 love languages test to see if that would begin some communication and all it has done is give him reason to complain that he is not getting shown love in his preferred manner. I guess I am just lost between doing what I know deep down is best for me and just staying as that is best for everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Zippity-Doo-Dah Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 yep - btdt. Our situations are very different, but I think the thought process may be similar. I knew things were bad within the first year (20 years ago) and we separated. During the separation I got a lot of pressure to give him another chance. I went to my family for help/support and was given a very firm command - stay for the kids, and was not given any help or support. My family, friends, community never knew how hard it was for me to stay - but I did. If I had a forum like this back then I doubt I would have. My self esteem was so incredibly low and I felt like a failure because I was unhappy. So I tried harder. I stayed, but it cost me my health, my pride, my self-respect. Now, years later, I am making my exit plan as my youngest is getting closer to 18. If I could go back and give myself advice - I'd tell myself to flip off the stupid bastards who tried to give me advice and had no idea how wrong they were. time to go Link to post Share on other sites
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