It's incredibly easy to cheat

[carhill]

When this all started I wasn't even asking him to leave her but now I need him too I think. The longer this goes on the more shocked I am. I know deep down this isn't who he wants to be, not even very deep because he says straight out says to me, he wants to stop the lies.

 

Have the two of you proposed any solutions? Has he ever discussed leaving?

 

Based on this and your past threads on this issue, it appears you're firmly into this lifestyle and are comfortable in it. This particular MM, though, appears to be a wild card. Is he comfortable in the lifestyle (open M's/polyamory/swinging, etc)? Has he ever talked about that?

 

Regarding the basic premise, yeah, as much time apart as many married couples spend (my exW and I both had businesses so were included in that), it's easy to have affairs if one has the inclination. IME, it's always been easy for men. With recent strides in equality and sexual/reproductive freedom, it's also become easy for women, and the statistics reflect the ease with which people appear to have affairs. What goes on in their minds, relevant to easy or hard, is unknown, as it's impossible to know what's in another's mind.

 

I hope you can find a healthy resolution to this.

[WrinkledForehead]

It's def easy when you don't require much more than penis in vagina. Some APs however need a work up.

 

Yup. I was a high maintenance AP. I once asked him how the hell he wasanaging two R's when its hard enough to handle one, and I refused to settle for scraps, even within the A.

[Owl]

I'm the other woman in a couples marriage. Call it whatever you want.. I consider it cheating. I know his wife, kids and entire family and I've lied to them and my friends to cover the affair.

It's cheating.

 

And you're ok with being this person? With being this 'friend' to her and her family?

 

As you've mentioned above, it's not just him that's betraying those around him...while you're not betraying your husband, you're certainly betraying your friend.

 

And that's ok?

 

What happens if he DOES leave her? He moves in with you and your H?

 

I've known a few people who have tried this over the years, and I've never seen it work out. Eventually, one person gets edged out.

[SweetClover]

And you're ok with being this person? With being this 'friend' to her and her family?

 

As you've mentioned above, it's not just him that's betraying those around him...while you're not betraying your husband, you're certainly betraying your friend.

 

And that's ok?

 

What happens if he DOES leave her? He moves in with you and your H?

 

I've known a few people who have tried this over the years, and I've never seen it work out. Eventually, one person gets edged out.

 

If I was totally ok with it all I wouldn't be wanting to talk about it. I'm a pretty open honest person just by nature so it's not been comfortable for me to lie to her, I've been surprised by myself. This guy has a complete hold on me, and I'd do just about anything for him.

 

He says he wants to leave he's just worried about his kids. I don't want him to leave necessarily I just want the whole thing back out in the open. Yes he would move in with us likely.

[dichotomy]

If your husband knows all about it, you are NOT cheating on your side of things. Your husband gets his jollies knowing you are having sex with OM so I don't see how that classifies as cheating.,your AP spouse is the one getting cheated on.

 

 

I am not a bank robber - I only drove the car.

[Sub]

He says he wants to leave he's just worried about his kids. I don't want him to leave necessarily I just want the whole thing back out in the open. Yes he would move in with us likely.

 

Not sure if I missed it, but do you and your H have children?

 

If he moves in with you and your H and becomes part of this arrangement, I'm very curious how it would affect not only his relationship with his kids, but if his W would use the arrangement to keep him from them. To know he's been having an A would be one thing. To know he's moving in with his OW and her H sounds like something on a completely other level.

 

And you said "back" out in the open. Was this in the open at one point?

[SweetClover]

Not sure if I missed it, but do you and your H have children?

 

If he moves in with you and your H and becomes part of this arrangement, I'm very curious how it would affect not only his relationship with his kids, but if his W would use the arrangement to keep him from them. To know he's been having an A would be one thing. To know he's moving in with his OW and her H sounds like something on a completely other level.

 

And you said "back" out in the open. Was this in the open at one point?

 

We all love the kids, I don't think she would have much luck keeping them from him, even if the affair was outed. But he wants things to be good for them, not just 'ok'.

Nothing has happened that would be dangerous or inappropriate for the kids to be around. He just worries about them. If this blows up and everyone's fighting that's bad for the kids even if they don't see it, they'd feel it.

No I don't have kids with my husband. I do take care of this couples kids every other day of the week though.

 

For a few months we had an arrangement where we could have sex because she wasn't interested in a sexual relationship with him, she knew it turned into much more than sex and then we tried to stop but started back up without her knowing. We are all still friends but it's a messed up situation.

[Sub]

Your situation is becoming more and more of an outlier, IMO. It's definitely easy to cheat when your in an open marriage yourself and your OM's W was cool with you sleeping with him at one point. It's debatable in my mind if this is even cheating anymore. Was there some sort of D-Day?

[Owl]

Your situation is becoming more and more of an outlier, IMO. It's definitely easy to cheat when your in an open marriage yourself and your OM's W was cool with you sleeping with him at one point. It's debatable in my mind if this is even cheating anymore. Was there some sort of D-Day?

 

It's still cheating if it continued on without her (the other wife's) approval.

 

She's the one being betrayed by the other 3 people in the equation.

[SweetClover]

It's very much still cheating. When she demanded we stop we agreed to stop. We did for a couple months too but then decided to continue in secret and she believes we are all just friends.

 

It's been about a year since we tried to have a sexual relationship, she was ok with it at first. All of us were close and there was just a huge sexual attraction between me and her husband and it was all in the open at least in our own homes for a couple months. It was supposed to stay sexual and I thought it could.. But it was emotional right from the start if I'm honest with myself. Me and him are like the same person.

People started pointing it out all the time.

There wasn't so much as a DDay as just over the period of a couple weeks she decided we were too close, she said she knew he had feelings for me and knew I did for him and she told us we had to stop.

 

She didn't want him to eventually want to leave her. Which makes sense. But I think we could have made it work. He's more likely to leave now.

[Striver]

We all love the kids, I don't think she would have much luck keeping them from him, even if the affair was outed. But he wants things to be good for them, not just 'ok'.

Nothing has happened that would be dangerous or inappropriate for the kids to be around. He just worries about them. If this blows up and everyone's fighting that's bad for the kids even if they don't see it, they'd feel it.

No I don't have kids with my husband. I do take care of this couples kids every other day of the week though.

 

For a few months we had an arrangement where we could have sex because she wasn't interested in a sexual relationship with him, she knew it turned into much more than sex and then we tried to stop but started back up without her knowing. We are all still friends but it's a messed up situation.

 

Unless you are planning on going through life as a threesome, it would be best for MM to make his own living arrangements. It will just seem like you three are ganging up on his wife and she will call in her own troops. However close you are right now, the kids are his and hers and never will be yours. He can continue to be your boyfriend on the side if that suits all of you.

 

If your feelings for him have supplanted those for your husband, you have other issues to deal with.

[Lady2163]

You're sort of swinging and swapping, but the group I've been on the outside of looking in, gets real fussy about cheating and playing without permission.

 

It was not easy for my xMM to cheat, either emotionally or time wise. Plus as he got older his recovery time caused some difficult to explain ED. For 30 years of marriage he was ready to go at the drop of a hat, now all of a sudden he couldn't maintain or achieve an erection.

 

Time wise, he was able to scoot away from his job for 30 minutes to an hour, but that wasn't enough for me very often. I would say he rarely if ever had more than 30 minutes outside of the house unaccounted for. You can only run into an old friend so often or stay for an extra couple of drinks a few times.

 

It was easy for him to resist me when we were not together. But, once we saw each other, a lot harder to keep our hands to ourselves.

[odinseye]

This is exactly what I think, it's become comfortable and everyone (husband and OM) wants to just keep things as they are.

 

I am not one to make things difficult or rock the boat, but I thought he would have left his house by now.

it is easy to say someone would make time for what is important, when you make that time all it does is bring people, down on your neck, when you tell them to get away it just redoubles their effort to control you because all you are is someone that is to obey, making time for yourself in my case was a fleeting hope, I will be sequestered in a canyon that is deep and remote tomorrow, evening, I will communicate when I have enough power. otherwise I will finally be out of every ones life.

My life will be my own,

[peaksandvalleys]

All it takes is a cell phone or even a spare hour a day.

 

Some of the situations I've found myself in have really shocked me. His wife will go to work for two hours and we'll be able to be together. Or he'll decide to skip a trip for dinner to her parents house and we'll be together then.

 

It doesn't even matter to him if she's in the building as long as she's not in the same room.

 

When this all started I wasn't even asking him to leave her but now I need him too I think. The longer this goes on the more shocked I am. I know deep down this isn't who he wants to be, not even very deep because he says straight out says to me, he wants to stop the lies.

 

I'm doing the sane things he is I know someone will point that out. Big difference that my husband knows all about it.

Both guys seemed almost turned on by it if that's possible but they deny that.

 

I don't think this is a man vs woman issue either, I think they are both just becoming comfortable with the lie and don't think we need to rock the boat.

 

I don't even know what the point of this thread is. I just have no close friends right now except these two men and we don't always agree.

 

 

It is incredibly easy especially when someone trusts you. The ways are so easy you get a BS with resources, determination, a pissed off attitude and it so easy to bust someone's world wide open. And they left a path to follow. No matter how well they think they cover their tracks, no matter how much they think no one is watching, no matter how long it goes on, there is always a way.

[Partlys4int]

The very moment you become comfortable in this situation is the moment you lost focus. It does not mean you masterfully learned the pitfalls. It means you have turned an abnormal situation in a normal one (for the two of you), until the hard reality strikes you and one of you slips up.

[SweetClover]

I don't even understand it most days.

 

I feel like she's blocked out from her memory how close we were and she just pretends it never happened.

They went away this weekend, usually when she goes to visit family he stays behind to work and we get time together, but this weekend she told him he had to come because it's not only Mother's Day but her birthday coming up.

 

I'm left in charge of taking care of their home and pets while they are away. So there I am, sitting on their couch, walls of pictures of their smiling faces, looking like an in love couple. They look happy in pictures. They look happy in real life a lot too.

 

While sitting there he calls me. Asks me if I'm alone, when he realizes I'm at their house he gets excited, starts telling me he wishes he had stayed home and what he would be doing if he had.

 

But when he hangs up all I can think is he's with her. She's smiling and happy and has no idea he just told me he loves me and misses me and would rather be here. I'm just so conflicted and I can't stop thinking about him even though I'm trying too.

[carhill]

Life is full of compromises and the good news is that we each have the freedom to choose what those are for us. We have free will.

[GypsumSatellite]

I'd have to say I agree it is easy to cheat. Most of my R with my MM was about meeting to do things other than sex. He called me every day for an hour during the weekdays because he needed companionship, and he met with me for dates that involved all the activities he could have done with his wife if either of them had that kind of time or inclination to have that kind of time with one another.

 

It's easy to find a consistent block of time during a week, especially if your AP has a flexible work schedule while their spouse has a full-time one without such flexibility. It's easy to cheat if your AP can get away on a camping trip alone under the guise of a hobby no one wanted to be a part of. It's easy to cheat when your AP can call you every day when everyone else at work or school.

 

I think a lot of people would mock it if they realized an OW went on a camping trip with an MM and it was a camping trip not a sexy romp for three days in the woods! Not everything's sex, which is probably the most dangerous bit about an A - that emotional connection is harder to push back from.

[Furious]

It would be easier if it was just about sex. It's not. Sometimes we don't even have sex and just talk, it's still cheating.

 

 

I agree that it's not just about the sex. There are plenty of people who would have sex with you. Many single men would jump at the opportunity for NSA sex.

 

I doubt it's only the sex that is the real turn on, more than likely it's the deception, mind games and thrill of making someone else the fool.

 

I get the impression, for you, you get a high from cheating. See, if you wanted free love and sex, it's readily available without deception.

[SweetClover]

I agree that it's not just about the sex. There are plenty of people who would have sex with you. Many single men would jump at the opportunity for NSA sex.

 

I doubt it's only the sex that is the real turn on, more than likely it's the deception, mind games and thrill of making someone else the fool.

 

I get the impression, for you, you get a high from cheating. See, if you wanted free love and sex, it's readily available without deception.

 

I'm not looking for no strings attached sex. If I wanted that, of course it's free and readily available. I'm a 23 year old girl.. I'm attractive, I'm street smart, can hold a conversation with people much older than myself and I'm a damn good time. I've always been pretty confident. I know I could get someone else.. Problem is I don't want too.

I've got a great husband. I never felt like I was lacking anything in our marriage, we always just used the open relationship thing to 'enhance' not fill a void.

But now, I'm so addicted to this guy. It's not the lies or the cheating it's just this guy. And when he's gone I feel incomplete. I didn't know what this felt like before and I was happy before. I still consider myself happy but with so much conflict going on inside at the same time.

 

I do think the rush of doing something secret was exciting at first. But I think that's long gone. I'm even addicted to just hearing this guy talk. Just listening to his voice.

[SweetClover]

I'm obviously confused about what to do.

 

Me and my husband are very open and we've talked about most of this several times. But he doesn't exactly know how obsessive I really feel for this guy. He knows I love him and all that, but doesn't know the extent he's on my mind and how upset I've been lately, even feeling jealous of his wife.. Neither of them know that.

 

Because honestly I'm embarrassed by it. I've never been jealous of any sexual relationship before, I have where emotional connections are concerned and that's natural and I just let myself feel them and I get over it.. But it's different lately and I just feel insecure and low and hate the feeling.

 

Jealousy is a ****ty ****ty feeling. It's very unlike me and I'd like it to screw off.

[SweetClover]

I'm sorry I'm going on a posting frenzy.

 

I'm a genuine person. I don't like lying I don't like cheating and I am really feeling guilty and ****ty about it and I'm feeling like a crappy person all around because I've never wanted to break up a family but lately I've wanted so bad for him to just leave her..

 

That's so wrong and I feel sick about it.

I've never asked him to leave and swore I never would, because although I want him to be with me, I don't want him to leave because of me.. If that makes sense.

I want him to leave because it's not where he wants to be. He should make that choice for himself. He's mentioned it over and over, sometimes saying he wants to tell her and leave immediately, or saying he wants to stay until the kids are old enough to talk to about it, I assume he means young adults? They are preschool age now. Not holding my breath.

 

Craziest thing about all this is I have these rushing thoughts about how terrible this is and how awful I am and I even envision getting caught. But fibs minutes later I can be smiling and talking to her face to face about little league or going for drinks later.

 

I am shocked every day how this is happening.

 

I just thought the entire act of an affair it cheating in general would be a lot harder to pull off, when I pictures relationships when I was younger.

[Haydn]

The kids are pre-school? No need to draw it out they will be ok.

 

It would be better to make a clean break and maybe find out more about yourself?

[SweetClover]

When I think about making a clean break from him I honestly feel panicked.

 

I can't see myself without him anymore.

[Striver]

When I think about making a clean break from him I honestly feel panicked.

 

I can't see myself without him anymore.

 

Is that with you and your H, or are you planning to split from your H as well? Honest question.