How does one gather the strength to leave?

[MsMree]

I first want to say thank you to all who give so freely and honestly to these posts - i have been read'g them for a couple of weeks and i now have the courage to write my OW situation.

 

I never would have imagined myself as an OW: "Couldn't do that to another woman" was always my motto. Low and behold...

 

My situation is different in the respect that MM's wife and children live thousands of miles away (as of recently) so time for us to be together is not necessarily an issue - however, because his family lives so far away he will not leave because he would feel that he is abandoning them. He has tried to leave twice before with the same outcome both times - his children, 10 and 11 yrs. old, completely falling apart and his W willing to stay and work on the M (which he has never done and has never been able to stay away from me). He loves his W- she is the "caretaker" (his words) of his children and i am mature enough to know that just because he fell in love with me doesn't mean that love is erased where it already exists.

 

I so want the strength to leave this relationship - i am really starting to feel guilty about his family - i'm sure his W who loves him very much would like to share the intimacy w/her H that i share with him.

 

In all honesty, even though i experience moments of guilt, i do want to be with him more than anything. I convince myself that spending time with me and away from his F will make him realize that he doesn't want to be w/o me. That may only happen once i move on. Emphasis on the "may".

 

I'm sure i sould like every other OW when i say that i love him - love feels small in comparison to what i feel - and i must stress that he is a decent man that has never, ever strayed from his M -

 

I KNOW I NEED TO END IT - HOW DOES ONE GATHER THAT TYPE OF STRENGTH? Let me end by saying i have "kicked" many things in my life (most recently, cigarettes) but this "addiction" makes the others feel like a walk in the park.

 

Thanks for listening and your comments/advice are appreciated

 

MsMree

[Merin]

Love YOURSELF MORE..

 

Will it hurt to end it.. yeah it will, it always hurts to end relationships even the ones you know aren't good for you.

 

Focus on YOU, not on HIM.. Love YOURSELF more than HIM.. and understand that no matter how much he loves you.. it hasn't been enough for him to do the right things for YOU.

[Barby]

I don't think that there is one "sure fire" method for gaining strength. But like Merin said...realizing that you love yourself more than him is probably the key in getting yourself to "be strong enough" to leave.

 

 

I think if you've reached a point where you know you need and want to get out, that is the first step...maybe start distancing yourself from him slowly? Don't answer when he calls everytime....don't be available to see him?!?!

 

No matter where you find your strength from, I wish you the best I know it can't be easy!

[DinNJ]

Strength and 'self respect' go hand in hand. When you're mind and heart come together and realize 'second best' SUCKS!!! you'll be ready to let go. Nope, won't be easy, but it's 100% guaranteed, you'll look back later on and laugh.

[newby]

what i have found is this-

i have tried to break it off before but he would always come back round and i would melt again, whilst i was at a distance from his situation and him (til he chose to see me again) it was very easy to be sucked into the illusion he was creating, it wasnt that he was even lying in the end,( he did at first ALOT told me he wanted to leave marriage etc even was quite reckless and not very sneaky about visiting etc) as time went on however he was more honest in lots of ways, saying that he wasnt leaving but he seemed to be getting more into me in other ways and was much more affectionate and could never keep away for long....so it still keeps your hopes up and you still think well he cant be that happy in his marriage or he is realising he loves me and i am a safe bet to end the marriage for (all sounds so terribly heartless when you say it like this, its not as im sure ANY other o/w can verify, there is huge guilt about the bs and none ever think they will be in this situation but in the beginning it does seem as tho somebody just fell so in love with you and their current relationship is on its way out anyway and there are so many lies that you really do get the wrong idea about what their actual situation is)

anyway since having more means to contact him and breaking it off again, i can actually SEE what is going on, he is worried cos i was upset, i was emotional, (i wasnt demanding, i asked him to come round ONCE when he was already going out that evening), but even this is TOO much for the MM

i feel now that i can see it all so clearly that i never can be in that situation again, however i might never have seen so clearly if things hadnt transpired the way they did and i think the o/w who are still with their MM are just unlucky in that they havent been exposed to that yet

it seems hard at first i know it is so scary but once i did it and along with all the other awful emotions i feel and FACING what i actually was to the guy UGH i have begun to feel a sense of empowerment rising and that Iam gaining the control BACK over my life

i dont know if every situation is the same of course but from what ive read here and seeing both sides of my exMM (the side he shows me and the true side) seeing how easily fooled i was (and believe me i'm not usually a fool) they sure as hell look like it

[newby]

P.S i think you have already gathered the strength to leave or you wouldnt be asking the question

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by MsMree

I first want to say thank you to all who give so freely and honestly to these posts - i have been read'g them for a couple of weeks and i now have the courage to write my OW situation.

 

I never would have imagined myself as an OW: "Couldn't do that to another woman" was always my motto. Low and behold...

 

My situation is different in the respect that MM's wife and children live thousands of miles away (as of recently) so time for us to be together is not necessarily an issue - however, because his family lives so far away he will not leave because he would feel that he is abandoning them. He has tried to leave twice before with the same outcome both times - his children, 10 and 11 yrs. old, completely falling apart and his W willing to stay and work on the M (which he has never done and has never been able to stay away from me). He loves his W- she is the "caretaker" (his words) of his children and i am mature enough to know that just because he fell in love with me doesn't mean that love is erased where it already exists.

 

I so want the strength to leave this relationship - i am really starting to feel guilty about his family - i'm sure his W who loves him very much would like to share the intimacy w/her H that i share with him.

 

In all honesty, even though i experience moments of guilt, i do want to be with him more than anything. I convince myself that spending time with me and away from his F will make him realize that he doesn't want to be w/o me. That may only happen once i move on. Emphasis on the "may".

 

I'm sure i sould like every other OW when i say that i love him - love feels small in comparison to what i feel - and i must stress that he is a decent man that has never, ever strayed from his M -

 

I KNOW I NEED TO END IT - HOW DOES ONE GATHER THAT TYPE OF STRENGTH? Let me end by saying i have "kicked" many things in my life (most recently, cigarettes) but this "addiction" makes the others feel like a walk in the park.

 

Thanks for listening and your comments/advice are appreciated

 

MsMree

 

When I find out, I'll let you know

[izzybelle]

When I find out, I'll let you know

 

i think what Spock said really does sum this all up.... there is no one answer. sure, there are all the ones that make logical sense, to care more about yourself, to respect yourself enough to know that you know better. and yes, good advice but oh, so, so hard to do. and sometimes, there is very little about these relationships and our emotions that is logical!

 

my MM made it "easy", he ended things because we were discovered. if that hadn't happened there's a good chance that we would still be together because i don't know that i would have so easily found the strength to just walk away.

 

we get attached, we get addicted, we find strength in the warmth and love that many of us get from them. so sure, knowing that you need to walk away and actually being able to leave a situation that feels so right and so wrong all at the same time is not easy.

 

i think for many, it just becomes painful one too many times. too many holidays alone, too many times spent crying alone, too many times watching them walk out the door only to know where they are going. so yes, loving yourself more is an extremely important part of being able to leave, knowing in your heart and your head that you deserve more. not necessarily better, but more. and the fact that you're here questioning it all is the first step in being able to. affairs seem to have a life of their own and each one is very different. there, unfortunately, is no easy, magical answer. i could tell you to try to focus on those things that make the situation difficult for you, to know that those bad times are a major part of the relationship. chances are, you will know when the time is right for you.

[MsMree]

That it is actually a source of "comedy" for us. Comic relief, actually. We both do not think it is funny - and he knows it is coming.

 

As with most cases, we both work for the same company in Research, therefore, work in close proximity of one another. Each time we have "broken up" he doesn't stay away and i am ALWAYS relieved that he doesn't - i know the "no contact" rule needs to be put in place but that scares the s**t out of me. To date, i have only stayed away from him for a WHOPPING 2 days ea. time I end the relationship.

 

I am torn in many ways - i have what alot of OW do not because of his living arrangements (time w/MM) so part of me doesn't always feel like the OW - so i ask myself why can't i just be happy w/the way things are? Why do i so want it all - what is soooo damn bad with what i do have?

 

I know the ball is in my court - he has told me that he is not strong enough to end our relationship even when he knows it is what is best for me - selfish? Yes, but we both are and we are both big babies that seem unable to endure the amount of pain that comes with our parting of ways.

 

DON'T WE ALL FEEL THAT OUR SITUATION IS SOOOO UNIQUE? I suppose each OM/OW relationship is unique in some respects but the overall picture is the same.

 

Again, thanks, and Newby if you are reading - many, many thanks.

[newby]

good luck in what ever you decide to do,

and much love to you

[newby]

and if you do decide to end it, coming on here and getting support makes it a lot easier x

[BoatingBabe]

I have left relationships when I realized I deserved more. I am currently trying to ward off another one of these. Luckily and not so luckily I've been down this road before and know better.

When you realize you want someone all for yourself...and that you DESERVE someone you don't have to share...that is when you will leave. YES, you will need a lot of strength to do it..but I think women have that inherent strength. You just need to pull it out of it's dormant stage and use it.

[MsMree]

BoatingBabe - i hear you - i DO know i deserve more - in fact, i truly believe that i have more to offer than any 2 persons put together -

 

MY PROBLEM... is being entirely too picky. I have dated many men and probably could have had a future with any one of them IF I WANTED IT. That is why this man is hard to give-up. There is not one thing i do not like about him (except the obvious) - he meets all of the criteria i want in a mate.

 

Therefore, i know when this ends that i will be alone (again!) for a long period of time - therein lies the problem w/me staying in this situation - my mind justifies the whole being w/him v. being alone. IT SUCKS!!

 

But... i am gathering strength w/ea. post i read - it is amazing that words from strangers can do wonders for the soul.

[newby]

i already know that i am a commitment phobe

just wondering whether you have considered you might have the same problem

[MsMree]

Hi Newby - i replied to this mess'g before however, i don't see it (??) So, to answer your question - i'm not sure if i am afraid of a commitment - i certainly want one w/MM, and, actually have one of sorts - NOT ONE THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH (Not one that implies a future, either!) I gave up wanting what i couldn't have when i was a teen. Also, i was married for over 10 yrs.

 

I am just so... mad at myself! I want to overcome this sickening IN LOVE feeling that has totally taken over good rational think'g. - Every morning i come to work i have a beautiful voicemail waiting for me as well as a love letter via email. He is not the MM who just wants to wet his "d**k" that i've read about in this forum - he believes it was love at first sight and he never believed in such a thing before it happened to him (btw - it was not luv-@-1st-sight 4 me - LOL!)

 

But again, Newby, you are doing GREAT and i must say that your MM sounds like a big a*****e that certainly didn't deserve you - keep up on your "diary" - i get alot of strength from it.

[lynnered]

MsMree

two things i wanted to reply about first i think you said you kicked smoking come on this is nothing!!!you have it in you you just need to focus on you &get mad ,its been 2& a half weeks,since i broke up with mm i was with him 4years &friends 2 years before that I'm not in tears I'm still alive !!there are other men out there&as for him if he loves you &you leave don't you think he would take that big step?wouldn't you?we all have it in us its just choosing to take that step&so what if your in tears everyday for a month ?

walk away be a woman ,lets stop acting like babies crying for our pacifier ,you me or anyone should never be so attached to someone that we have to go through all this misery letting go ,in most ow(myself included,but not all)there are self esteem issues ,have to be people break up all the time, you cry ,get drunk ,or write in a journal do whatever, get it out of your system &move on.

also you say your really picky i (was) am whatever before i got into this ,still am xmm was physically perfect&we had great communication ,

but how picky is accepting seconds?set some new standards including unattached.

 

you'll be OK &good luck

[MsMree]

Thanks all for writing -

 

I've come to this conclusion - i do have the strength to leave but it seems like i'm lacking the desire (for the moment) so maybe this should have been posted - "How does one get the desire?" - Of course i am not look'g for answers to that one - i know that when i get sick enough of being second and when i realize that sooner or later he'll have to join his family and, HEY!! WHAT ABOUT ME? Then... i'll be ready, willing and able to say... I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

 

In the meantime, i'll continue to get strength from all of you - this site has given me soooo much insight and dare i say, a bit of indifference regarding my situation - since i've registered here there is definitely a difference regarding how i see my situation.

[LadyRLD]

This is how you have to gather the strength. It is hard but you have to realize something. He is comfortable with the way things are. You are not. You're needs aren't being met. So what you have to do is slowly get yourself unattached to him. Take baby steps. First step is to not take his call and let it go to voicemail. Then don't respond to it until the next day. Keep yourself busy in the process. Exercise, eat well. Go to the self-help section at your local bookstore and read books on how to love yourself. If you can delay responding to his call then that would be a big step for you. This will help you to realize that you are strong enough and ready to end this.

 

To end the desire, don't think of him like you can not live without him. You don't need him or anyone. He's is not a God, he is equal to you. He is an imperfect human being. He is just another pour soul out there trying to make. There is nothing special are better about him. All you need is to eat, sleep, live and die :0) Don't waste too much time being sad and emotionally drained. Don't let your life pass you by. Think of it this way, he will think of you more when he can't have you then he does when he knows he has you. Change the game. Know that if you left him, he would look at you with the highest respect. Then don't look back.

 

Live for yourself. Focus on why you fear loving yourself. Why are you giving all of your heart to this messed up man? When you should be giving everything you have to yourself. It's true that no one can love you until you love yourself. When you don't love yourself you just meet a**h***s who take advantage of that. Take a break from him. Tell him you need a two month break and for him not to call you. You do not contact him or anything. Focus on yourself for that two months then decide if you want him back or not. You need to step back from this situation.

 

When you do the 2 months of NC, don't ever think you will lose him. You didn't have him in the first place, so you would never lose him. He would still be there after two months waiting to bring you back into the same depressing situation. So know he will always be there as he is. You have to do this for yourself. I rather not have anyone then someone who can emotionally abuse another person. That's what he's doing. Nothing he says is the truth. With MMs, it's guilty till proven innocent. End of story :0)

[DinNJ]

isn't it easier to just come to terms with yourself that you aren't/shouldn't be second best to no one? Isn't life worth more? Aren't you worth more? You only get one chance at life... and it's a short one... be #1 for you and only you.