One-Sided Friendships...

[Samara11]

Hi Guys,

This is something that's been bothering me for a while now, and I want to see if anyone has similar experiences and/or insight.

 

I seem to end up in quite a few one-sided friendships, and usually with women. (my male friends reciprocate usually, and I have 3 best friends who are male). Here's an example: a friend I have known for about 8 years lives 15 minutes away from me, and I have only seen her three times in the past year. All of the times I have seen her have been me initiating contact, making all the plans, and doing all the work. When I noticed this trend, I confronted her about it, and I told her that I was tired of doing all the "work" to make plans with her, and it would be awesome if she could invite ME somewhere, or make plans for us. Her response was: "Sorry if I seem aloof, but I tend to just focus on the people I see on a daily basis."

 

Her response just made me more angry. This was several months ago. I have not seen her since then, nor have I tried to make any contact. This is just one example, and one of the most frustrating, because of how CLOSE she lives to me! I think about getting together with her a lot, but then I'm so tired of always being the one to do all the work. It's exhausting. I work full-time, I'm married, and I'm very "busy" too.. I don't understand why she doesn't make any effort. Maybe she's "Just Not that Into Me." ha.

 

I have other female friends who live in other states, but who NEVER call/text/email.. My "best friend"/college roommate and I don't talk more often than once per year. I've visited her twice this year already, but she hasn't visited me in several years. It seems to be this way with most of my close female friends, actually. I don't understand why people don't reciprocate. And then I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Am I? Are my expectations too high? I expect people to put in the same amount effort as I do. Are people just lazy and they prefer for me to do all the legwork? I guess I just don't understand, and I've been frustrated about this for months now.

[preraph]

A lot of married people (and especially ones with kids) just give up trying to have a social life outside family or others they depend on for playdates, etc. Sounds like you are low on her priority list. It's something that happens to everyone I know who has kids. They just leave their friends behind unless their friends happen to have kids close in age and nearby because it's all about sharing kid-watching after that.

 

I think it's great you are married and still trying to keep outside friends. I know marriage alone has ruined some friendships of mine with jealous husbands trying to isolate them, making it so much trouble for them to go they just give up. But you know, once they reach the point they aren't doing anything except family, they become boring to be around anyway, so....

Edited May 7, 2014 by preraph

[Samara11]

Thanks for your reply, preraph.. The friend I was referring to is actually single! She's casually dating a guy she met online for a few months, and she lives with a roommate (those are the people that she "focuses" on, apparently). I think about my friends all the time. I don't get the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. Yes, I am married, but I don't have any kids, and friendships are very important to me. I will always maintain them, regardless. Perhaps the fact that I'm married scares some people away? I don't know... I just noticed a pattern of me being the person to do all the initiating/maintaining.

[ja123]

It really sucks when you have friends like the woman you described. I have some friends like that and I've pulled way back with the motto to keep looking for friends where the contact is easy and mutual.

 

 

I also have a couple of long-distance friendships and we talk about 2-3 times a year on the phone, but it's always like we just spoke yesterday. It's easy. Sometimes they reach out first, or sometimes I do.

 

 

I couldn't say why your male friends reach out and your female friends don't. Are you male or female?

[littleplanet]

Sometimes, friends move on. Like chapters in a book.

Whereas with others - it's an ongoing journal.

 

Over the years, the pattern becomes obvious; the difference between friendships that moved through life's stages and lasted.....and the ones that shifted and didn't survive those changes.

 

Of course it's natural to resent what feels like a one-sided friendship. That just flies in the face of mutual regard, respect. The ones who really care about you will make the effort.

Kind of lousy though - when it becomes so gender-specific? (You don't seem to have the same problem with male friends.)

 

At any rate - if you're willing to make the effort, there are enough people out there who will appreciate that and respond in kind. It's too bad though. Lifelong friendships are pretty special. Still...new friends show up, and one day become old friends.

 

And sometimes there's this: as you grow and change as a person, sometimes you outgrow friends who are moving in different directions. It's all a state of flux.

 

But it sure is ironic. In this day and age of mass technically-aided communication devices, you'd think that keeping in touch would be as natural as rain. Go figure.

Being "busy" is the lamest excuse in the book.

That phone call or message out of the blue proves an important point.

 

It has been my experience in life though - that once married, a lot of friendships with other married people often develop. There's sort of a mutual comfort zone.

 

But I don't think it's you, or anything you're doing wrong.

More people these days seem to be swallowed up in their own immediacy. Distracted....stressed.....self-absorbed.......cocooned.......

 

Good friendship is an artform.

Some people illustrate comic books. Others create masterpieces.

Keep flinging that oil at the canvas!

[AnneT1985]

I agree with littleplanet

[Els]

I don't know why it is; I feel the same way too about some of my friends (not all, but some). After a while, I just stop putting in effort for those 'friends'. If they're not interested in maintaining the friendship, it doesn't seem worth it for me to keep bending over backwards to try and do that. I lost a good number of 'friends' this way, but the way I see it is: This frees me up to spend more time with the genuine people who do care about me.

[Damaged217]

I have the same problem. I've had several "friends" over the years where it felt like I was the only one trying to make plans to see each other or to communicate. And like ja123, I also have friends that live in other states that I feel closer to even though we only speak a few times a year. It's strange. I, like yourself, have one friend that also lives very close to me, 10-15 minutes, yet she hardly ever makes plans with me. These people are exhausting. I'm at that stage in my life where I don't try anymore with these kind of people.

 

I don't think you're doing anything wrong except wasting your time on these kinds of "friends." Like Elswyth said...you should focus your energy on those who truly care about you and have no problem showing it. I would just downgrade the girl you are describing to an acquaintance and only hang out with her if she contacts YOU first.

[Samara11]

Thanks for all of your responses, everyone. I wanted to add that the woman I originally spoke about often makes excuses for her behavior. She says that she is "just bad at making plans" and "bad at keeping in touch..." Do you accept those excuses from your friends? I feel like this is also a trend in the one-sided friendships in my life.. those friends always have a reason to defend their behavior. Do any of you accept that your role in the friendship is the plan-maker and initiator? I know friendships are supposed to be reciprocal, but.. due to personality differences, is it OK for one person to do all the initiating?

 

I'm scared that if I stop contacting most of my friends, that I will never hear from them again. Does anyone else feel that way? I'm not even talking about people who live far away- a couple of these women live within 15-20 minutes driving distance away from me. As someone said earlier, perhaps marriage has something to do with it? I've been constantly trying to figure out if it's me, or them, or just life circumstances changing, or that I choose the wrong people to be friends with?

 

I feel like I don't actually know what a good friend is supposed to be like. Maybe I've been fooling myself all these years, and NONE of my friends are really good friends. These thoughts scare me.

Edited May 12, 2014 by Samara11

[SomeHeart]

It's always difficult having issues with friends but friendships are like any other relationship , sometimes they just run their course. If you're trying to repair a friendship and it's all one sided its just going to make you feel bad in the long run. Instead of doubting yourself asking 'Why is this person not bothering with me' and doubting yourself maybe give your friendship group a refresh. Join a club and meet some new people.

[luvshaq]

I recently gave up on a childhood friend whom I've known for 20 years. He only lives 20 minutes away, but I'd see him maybe once a year. He wasn't a good facebook friend either. He would never interact with me on there, but I'd see him interact with our mutual friends. So I just decided to unfriend him online and in reality.

[Baller25]

I couldn't say why your male friends reach out and your female friends don't.

 

Guys reach out because they want to bone you (no intention of real friendship).

Girl don't reach out because they unfortunately like guys they don't want to friend you.

 

I still find it so funny how most women think that us guys actually want to be just friends. I'm friends with a few married women and trust me when the hat drops I'll definitely be there.

 

Are you by any chance a very attractive female? If so then I have bad news, hot chicks never have real friends.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Baller25

[Sugarkane]

It really annoys me when people say this. As soon as I had my child, it seems no one was interested in being my friend anymore. Yet I'm still the same person with the same interests as before. Now I understand why women get post natal depression.

A lot of married people (and especially ones with kids) just give up trying to have a social life outside family or others they depend on for playdates, etc. Sounds like you are low on her priority list. It's something that happens to everyone I know who has kids. They just leave their friends behind unless their friends happen to have kids close in age and nearby because it's all about sharing kid-watching after that.

 

I think it's great you are married and still trying to keep outside friends. I know marriage alone has ruined some friendships of mine with jealous husbands trying to isolate them, making it so much trouble for them to go they just give up. But you know, once they reach the point they aren't doing anything except family, they become boring to be around anyway, so....

[Samara11]

Baller 25.. I'm not really sure how to react to your post, but I'll tell you that of my best male friends, one of them is gay, the other is my ex-boyfriend (we broke up 8 years ago), and the other is in a serious relationship. As far as I'm concerned, even if there's any sexual attraction involved, none of us are ever going to act on it (or have acted on it), and I've known my 2 best guy friends for 10 years and 8 years....I don't think I buy that "attractive women will never have any real friends...."

 

Sugarkane- I can very much relate. I've only been married for 9 months, but in that timeframe, I have noticed that my friendships have changed a lot. As you said, I think people treat you differently if you're married/have kids. It's almost like they suddenly feel like you have nothing in common anymore, even though you are the same person. It's also hard when you have a lot of single friends (as I do...), or friends who are just casually dating. They seem to not want to hang out anymore. I think this is why most married people gravitate toward other married people, because they are treated normally again.. same with people who have kids.. they tend to hang out with other mommies and daddies. In any case, this still doesn't entirely explain the behavior of my friend I mentioned above, or some other friends. I always feel like I'm missing something with people.... like there's some code I haven't cracked. But it's reassuring to know that others (you guys) have gone through similar situations. I just wish I had a solution to situations like the one I first mentioned.

 

Actually, I want to mention that I recently emailed the friend I first spoke about, to ask if she wanted to meet me at a festival coming up in her town, and she wrote back and said "definitely! It's been a while, we need to catch up!" I just don't get it. Maybe I should just accept that she has the personality style where she expects others to contact HER. But, I will admit that it becomes exhausting.....

 

I wonder when we should just accept people's flaws/strange personality traits, and when we should end friendships... is it OK that some friendships are one-sided? I still struggle with this. I also have a lot of friends who are also very self-centered, and do things based on convenience for them.. what are some dealbreakers for you all?

Edited May 25, 2014 by Samara11

[Mcnulty]

Good..actually very good friends with a female for over a year, really connected with her mentally I thought.

 

She got a boyfriend and disappeared!! Didn't reply to texts and that was it. Text me when passing her in the car last week..first time in 2 months...she's all loved up which is great...me? kicked to the curb with no explanation.

 

Some people get a partner and wham...if you're opposite gender, you're out...maybe due to the new BF not being happy about the set up..it stinks though and I'd never do that to a friend..hey ho.

[Lipitor11]

I've had a lot of one-sided friendships, I always initiate contact and I'm sick of doing it. I always thought friends were forever, but now I realized it's just for a short- time. I say move-on and talk to other people.

[Samara11]

Out of sheer loneliness, I continue to reach out to those friends I mentioned in my original post... And every single time, they are always super happy and excited to see me, they tell me that they "missed" me, and things carry on as usual. I think I am at the point where I forgive some of my friends for not being good at keeping in touch, and I acknowledge that I will have to be the one to reach out. It can be frustrating for sure, but I would rather spend time with them than alone...

[dispatch3d]

I've almost always put 90% of the effort into my friendships until recently. Mostly because I wanted to be doing something all the time, and that wouldn't have happened if I didn't put in the effort.

 

With some of my friends they just wouldn't come to anything I organized, but I could go to their stuff. Or I would just go drink with them at x event. Usually its in the form of me always have to do what they want to do, and if I want to do something I have to figure out my own way of doing it.

 

I was always pretty whatever on this though. I'd rather just hang out with someone once a week and if I'm the person texting them to do that then who gives a ****.

 

The only reason its stopped lately is because I just don't give a **** anymore. I've had a great social life in the past, and I don't feel the need to get a great one again. I have a group of friends that go out on mostly thursdays every week, so I just show up there, and sometimes text my friends. I probably only send like 10 texts to friends all month.

 

Being a hot girl that just got married will change things for you. Before guys always had that glimmer of hope that you might sleep with them. Now that's basically gone, most guys wouldn't bang a girl in a marriage no matter what. So yeah, now you have to earn your way with them based purely on entertainment value/common interests alone. I'd expect things to be more challenging.

[Mysterio]

Samara. You have to have self respect. I would just walk away and pay attention to the friends that make the effort with you. If you want to talk to your single friend one more time about it. Fine. One more time to stay current and then walk away.

 

A question for you. When you get together. Do you have a great time?

 

I am going through the same thing with another friend. His name is DT and he lives 15 minutes away from me. He does have a GF. She has kids and is not quite yet divorced. He comes off to me like he is half single and half in a relationship. I suggested in Jan of 2014. That we get together once a month on a thursday night 7:30 to 9:30. It was easy. We did it up till July and then he has not called. I will give him July off. Yet August and Sept. Nothing on his side. I would only like to see him 1-2 a month max. For me its more to keep in touch. We only have one friend in common and he does not call that friend at all. Our mutual friend lives out of town.

 

DT to me is such a digital entertainment junkie. That he gets agitated if his GF wants to come over, on one of his on-line game nights. I just think he is too into that. When I do get together with him. i feel like we strain for conversation at least half the time. This has been this way for about 4 yrs or so. The only thing that has changed with him is that his Ex of 15 yrs ago got separated with kids and is now his current woman. I really don't see her as the problem. He got broken into him. I feel like he is even more of a homebody. He stopped doing his major recreational activities and its like his digital entertainment, is his focus. He will sooner indulge in that, before he will just pick up the phone and call.

 

When he calls me in the future. I plan to talk to him. Like you did to your friend. I am at the point where I would rather have a smaller group of friends than a big group that can't act like friends.

 

I believe that if you are a friend. You have to have a tighter interaction. Be it Phone or live in person. Both parties need to make an effort. That I would sum up as 1-2 times a month. 15 minutes away and not seeing each other for months is a joke. Out of town friends. 4-6 times a year through phone calls.

[Mysterio]

Now more thing to add here. On our side. We need to just not put too much attention to our one sided friends. We either confront them on their behaviour and get resolution. Or we let it go. Its not like we don't have friends that appreciate us.

 

We have friends that care about us. Thats who we should pay attention to. I think there is a little bit of ego that we carry with us. Having a lot of friends. Someone is going to get choked out once in awhile. I know my friend DT thinks that our mutual friend MW criticizes him. So thats why he does not call him on a regular basis. MW does not know that.

 

Once again. The next time DT and I interact. That conversation will be at the forefront of our conversation. Its not going to be fun times. Until this issue of on DT's side. I can't pick up the phone and call you. Is coming to an end.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am the person on the other other end of those friendships. Meaning that I nearly never initiate contact or organize hang-outs. The reason is that I am naturally not that social and the initiations of other friends are more than enough of social life for me. I could totally see this being different if I was the type of person that constantly likes to go out and hates being alone.

[LuckyLady13]

I feel like I don't actually know what a good friend is supposed to be like. Maybe I've been fooling myself all these years, and NONE of my friends are really good friends. These thoughts scare me.

 

Don't be scared, Samara. You actually are confused. I noticed a few people replying to you are too so I want to explain a few things.

 

You said you've been frustrated for months. The reason is actually your lack of empathy toward the people your angry and frustrated with.

 

I'm like you, Samara. No matter what's happening, how much is on my plate, how much my life changes, I put in lots and lots of effort into friendships. It's one of my top priorities. But once you understand that not everybody is like us and look at these people from the outside for a moment with no emotion, you can finally realize they are honestly not capable of what we are.

 

If you're talking to someone 3 times a year? A year?!? I don't know what to call them but I'd hardly be able to call them a friend.

 

Friendships are exactly like relationships and marriages. You either have chemistry with someone or you don't. My friends? I can't keep up with them. We talk every single day of the week! Every day.

 

One of these friends I met in elementary school. Now, in the 20 something years since then, I have hardly met anyone I have that type of chemistry with. However, about 15 years ago my neighbor I ended up having the same type of chemistry with and we're best friends today despite the fact that I moved away.

 

If you're putting in a lot of effort (which you SHOULD) but the other person is wishy washy and hardly there and not reaching out, don't take that personally. You guys just don't have the chemistry you need for a good friendship. Sometimes, even the most homebody antisocial types, come out of their shell like you wouldn't believe the moment they run into that person they have amazing chemistry with.

 

Nobody is really at fault on either side here. They don't such as bad as you think they do and it's not something about you that's putting people off (can tell that by your posts). Chemistry is just non-existent.

 

The moment you realize it's not working out, move on, move on, move on like you're on fire, meet new people and keep testing the waters with people. When the chemistry is there, they won't stop calling you and you'll have days like I do when you want to run away and hide in a cave to get some rest!

 

I have days I'm run ragged and so tired I start falling asleep in the middle of conversations with friends at the end of the night. If things aren't like that with me and some new friend (or even old friend), I don't take it personally. And I don't get angry. And I have some great friendships going on so I must be doing something right here.

 

I own my own business and it's successful, have the house going on with constant renovations and I am by no means an energetic person but friendships are very important to me and I have found a big handful of people who hold friendships in as high a regard as I do. They're out there but you can't waste time angry at the people who don't have the same strong desire that we have to put all this time, energy and thought into friendships.

 

The people who have strong, good, rock-solid friendships have a strong desire to have that. I'm not sure if it's just in our DNA and so deeply ingrained that it's like instinct for us and not for other people but we do get along so great with people who have the same strong desire we do.

[Samara11]

Eternal Sunshine- do your friends ever complain that they have to do all the initiating?? Don't you ever think about their perspective, and how it makes them feel that they have to always contact you first?

 

I find your "type" to be the most frustrating... I'm a strong believer in friendships being mutual.. each person puts in effort. *sigh*

[Mysterio]

Samara. I feel your pain. For me. I like variety. I say that if you have friends in the city, by either phone call of in person. Once or twice a month should be good. If they live out of town. 4 times a year should be alright.

 

I just can't fathom why certain people play this stupid game of playing indiferent. I think the best situation is to have about 10 friends that are on the same level as you are, that you rotate your social time with. That way you are not in their face all the time and vice versa. You see them once or twice a month and no one gets tired of each other.

 

I don't know if you are single Samara. I just think that variety is the best way to go. I am single and I don't mind doing things on my own. I just don't want to be the driving force to see certain friends all the time.

[Samara11]

I finally decided to let a friendship go... the girl I mentioned in my original post. I emailed her to invite her to an event for halloween and she didn't respond for over a week.. I know she has an iPhone, iPad, computer, etc. etc. and she SAW the email, but she didn't care enough to respond. I emailed her AGAIN to say, "hey, I haven't heard from you yet, do you want to come with us?" She replied, "oh, I saw your email but didn't get around to responding." That was the last straw. Why do I waste my time??? I felt like such an idiot.

 

I've wasted my time with "friends" like this. It's not only that I have to ALWAYS be the one to initiate, but they don't even respond when I DO initiate.. I'm so frustrated. I need to focus my energy on meeting new people, which feels impossible, but I have to at least try, right?

 

Lucky Lady, while I appreciate your post, I don't know if I agree with what you're saying about "if the right chemistry is there, they won't stop calling.." I have NEVER had that experience. It's all about give and take