What's going on?

[KissMyTiara]

I'm posting this to get some insight - this is really my friend's problem, and he's at a loss for what's going on. I'm not married, so I can't really provide him with my own insight - any thoughts y'all have would be great.

 

They are 29 and have been married 6 years. He is descirbed as "the best guy in the world married to a "moody" woman." For the past year, they've been talking about children, remodeling their home, and buying other investment properties. They giggle all the time, are affectionate, etc. Everything appeared...blissful.

 

Then two weeks ago, he's in the shower, and he thinks to himself, "hmm, she's been weird (quiet, a bit argumentative, nonresponsive to affection) for a couple weeks...I wonder what's up?" When she comes home that evening, he asks her. Her response? She drops the bomb - "I'm not in love with you, I don't think I ever have been, I want out, I want a divorce, I want the house, etc."

 

She moved out last weekend, my friend is in tears. She won't speak to anyone about it - not family, not friends, not him - no one of consequence.

 

She's educated and makes more money than he does. He wants children and has the feeling that she wasn't ready for that just yet, although he has made it 100% clear to her that he is willing to wait until she is ready.

 

I personally think there is someone else, or at least she wants there to be someone else.

 

Anyone else go through this or something similar?

[Barby]

I'm not in this situation but it does seem odd that all of a sudden (even though he'd noticed a difference in her) that she would just "want out" with no explanation, no asking for him to change something, no offering of a trial seperation!

 

I'm sorry for your friend, hopefully his wife will at least come around enough to give him the answers/closeure he will surely need to be able to move on.

[Owl]

KMT-

 

You may have gathered this from some of the other forums here on LS, but what you've described does sound exactly like what the wandering spouse says during most affairs. I personally think that you're right...that she is cheating on him, in some way or another. The ONLY other reason I can imagine for her to respond like that is if something is cutting HIS emotional support for her off as well...if he was having an affair, he wouldn't be emotionally investing in her either. That creates a self-feeding monster...he is less emotionally intimate with her, she withdrawls because she hurts, the gap grows bigger....yada yada yada. You get the picture.

 

So my thought is that either she's cheating on him, or there is SOMETHING creating that emotional gap in their relationship. Given what you've said so far, if he knows that HE isn't the one withdrawing from her emotionally, then that only leaves her cheating as the most likely source.

[Moose]

I'd be at a loss too. But it sounds to me that she's got something going on somewhere. I tell you one thing this:

"I'm not in love with you, I don't think I ever have been, I want out, I want a divorce, I want the house, etc."

This is Selfish of her, and she'd never get my house by golly! She wouldn't get a dang thing as a matter of fact. If she's so sure of herself, she won't have any problems making it on her own.

[tiki]

Blind~sided out of NOWHERE?!

 

It's gotta be an affair.

[KissMyTiara]

I think it's an affair - emotional or otherwise - as well. But, let's just assume for the moment that she's not...what else could be going on? Burnout? Irritation that she's the breadwinner? Wants to be free??

[Moose]

It could be despair. Like there is something going on in the marriage and she's not being heard. I'm in the middle of experiencing a little of that myself. I've been trying hard to discipline my kids in keeping their room clean enough to see the floor, and my 15 year old's personal grooming habits suck! I've been getting on to them pretty heavy and Mrs. Moose doesn't see what the big fuss is all about.

 

She's never been one to keep the place at least tidy. She knows that it gets cleaned every other day so the rest of the time it's a disaster area. I'm embarrassed most of the time to bring anyone over, or have guests because I never know what the place is going to look like. I get onto my son, and she tells me it's no big deal that he just pulls his shoes strings taunt then sticks the strings inside his shoes instead of tying them!

 

I feel like I'm trying to move a brick wall, and it's not budging. I'm cornering her tonight to have a heart to heart with her about it. This useless fight isn't going to be won if she defends these kids right in front of them, and I'm falling deeper into remorse for her not sticking with me.

 

I think that if a marriage suffers this way too long, despair could drive a person to feel like it's a useless battle, and will want to bail.

 

Sorry for the book, but I explain myself better using personal experiences.

[Owl]

KMT-

 

There is something lacking in the relationship...some needs aren't being met. I still would think the whole affair thing is by far the most likely. I have yet to see posted on LS or anywhere else a thread that had those words you used NOT be the result of an affair.

 

Either that, or something fundamental is totally broken in the relationship, and something like that should be pretty obvious to them both. No communication...inability to negotiate....something major.

 

There HAS to be more to the situation than what you've posted...not saying that YOU know what it is or anything...just that this doesn't happen in a vacuum.

[KissMyTiara]

A mutual friend went over to their house and spoke with her, she said, "I WISH I could tell you there was someone else, but I can't because there isn't. I know if there was someone else, you guys would at least understand why I am doing this, even though you don't agree with it. But there's no one else, this is all about me. I am not happy in this marriage, and while "J" is an absolutely fabulous man, I am not in love with him. I deserve to be with someone I am in love with. Now is the time to get out so that I can find it."

 

Ok, so...what does this mean?!

Where are the married women to help me on this...?

[sumdude]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

A mutual friend went over to their house and spoke with her, she said, "I WISH I could tell you there was someone else, but I can't because there isn't. I know if there was someone else, you guys would at least understand why I am doing this, even though you don't agree with it. But there's no one else, this is all about me. I am not happy in this marriage, and while "J" is an absolutely fabulous man, I am not in love with him. I deserve to be with someone I am in love with. Now is the time to get out so that I can find it."

 

Ok, so...what does this mean?!

Where are the married women to help me on this...?

 

I'm not a married woman but looks like you might just have to take it at face value. Either that or she's having a personal crisis of sorts. She does sound like she's being a bit selfish if the whole wanting the house bit is true. Obviously lawyers need to contacted ASAP. Don't let your freind get railroaded. He needs to face up and at least consult with a lawyer now.

[Owl]

KMT-

 

I apologize in advance....I'm about to ask a question that may upset you, but I've been wondering this since I first read this post.

 

This isn't your MM's wife, is it?

[tiki]

Originally posted by Owl

This isn't your MM's wife, is it?

 

Exactly my thoughts.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Owl

KMT-

 

I apologize in advance....I'm about to ask a question that may upset you, but I've been wondering this since I first read this post.

 

This isn't your MM's wife, is it?

 

 

No no no no. It's a friend - specifically, a co-worker's brother-in-law. Somewhat of a long and strange link to the "friend," but no, it isn't MM or anyone even remotely linked to MM - I promise you. Actually, if MM's wife were leaving him for reasons completely 100% not involving HIS infidelity, don't you think I'd be soooo excited?

 

I'm getting bummed. Between my MM's actions and this random W's actions, I'm thinking I will never get married...

[Owl]

KMT- The only reason I asked that is because the only OTHER reason I can come up with is if something is seriously preventing her from FEELING loved by him. Either he's stopped showing it...or she's stopped receiving it. Either way, the affair always seems like the most likely cause of it.

 

One other thing I can guess MIGHT be a factor...you ever read the book "The Five Lanuages of Love"? It COULD be that they just don't know how to really show each other that they love them...the way that they're TRYING to show their spouse that they love them might not be TAKEN as love by that spouse. A lot of couples have problems with that...my wife and I also had an issue with it.

 

Just my thoughts. BTW...I know that you'd be WAY happy if it was your MM. I do still hope that things work out in your situation the best that they possibly can for all of you!!

[immoralist]

A loss of love can be as brutal for the dumper as it is for the dumpee. Your friend has emotionally concluded that her marriage is dead, and the corpse is not worth preserving. People fall in love everyday, and they fall out of love everyday.

 

This wife viscerally believes, and feels, that she no longer loves her husband and no longer wishes to pretend that she does. She refuses to live a lie; to fake a marriage. Many do, but not her.

 

The reasons for love's death do not matter (at least to us). I'm impressed that she demonstrated the courage to act on the deep realization that her love was gone, and her marriage a sham. That action took courage on her part. Or perhaps just concentrated desperation.

 

It makes one wonder how many marriages out there are time bombs just waiting to explode--with one spouse doing everything in her power to contain the despair, to quell the alienated feelings, to force herself into the role of the loving spouse. But people get fatigued play acting all the time. And then, as in your friend's case, it's simply time to walk off stage.

[michelangelo]

If she is the breadwinner, then he can get spousal support in a lot of states AND get to keep the house. He just needs to find a good laywer.

 

I am sorry she doesn't love him anymore but a lot of women are like that when the guy doesn't wear the pants and be gainfully employed.

 

BTW, Moose, do you actually care that your kid tucks his shoe laces in his shoes instead of tying them? Are you that much of a control freak?

[KissMyTiara]

Owl - I think Immoralist is right...she's been "playing along" in the marriage. He gives her so much attention, affection, gets her anything she wants (new car, new house, additional properties, vacations, time together, dinners, etc.), so if she is needing or wanting anything else, she'd be asking for too much, frankly. But he'd give it to her anyway, in a heartbeat.

[Moose]

BTW, Moose, do you actually care that your kid tucks his shoe laces in his shoes instead of tying them? Are you that much of a control freak?

 

Yes, I do care. It's not the proper way to tie your shoes, and it's a sign of laziness. He's 15 years old, otherwise, I probably wouldn't have an issue. I care about how others would take my parenting skills if my kids didn't know how to dress themselves. Maybe I am a control freak, or maybe I just care about my kids.

[michelangelo]

Moose,

 

You do realize that a 15-year-old has far more options to tweak dad than just not tying his shoe laces to dad's method?

 

I have a 20-year-old and a15-year-old.

 

Methinks that one picks one's battles with teens.

 

A little latitude in personal choice in innocuous things like shoe lacing strategies may prevent a full-on rebellion involving piecings, tattoes, and substance abuse.

 

It's not a reflection on your parenting skills when a teenager tweaks dad's rules in such a way.

 

Might want to try the laces his way some time, see how it is.

[Owl]

KMT (and Immoralist)-

 

I can see what you mean...but I guess I'd still have the question..."So WHAT killed the love?!?!"

 

It really is rare that love just "dies" on its own...I know people say that all the time, but the reality is that something kills it..."lovebusters" as their known on the 'other' site. The only time people "fall out of love" with one another is when something has caused one or the other to stop working at the relationship. Or...possibly...they never learned to work on it in the first place. But, if that were the case here, this wouldn't be happening 'out of the blue'...because even he'd feel like something was wrong with the marriage.

 

Just my thoughts. While this may be the straw...there was some kind of load on the marriage that was REALLY the cause of it's back breaking.

 

Again...NOTHING happens in a vacuum.

[Moose]

You do realize that a 15-year-old has far more options to tweak dad than just not tying his show laces to dad's method?

You're talking to a proffesional here. I'll allow leaniency is some areas, this isn't one of them. I only brought this up because I find it desrespectful when I insist he tie his shoes properly and the wife backs him up instead of her husband.

 

It's not a reflection on your parenting skills when a teenager tweaks dad's rules in such a way.

The hell it isn't.

[michelangelo]

so mom doesn't care, dad does. Which parent is the kid going to believe?

 

This is not a parenting issue, it is a man and wife issue being played out on the kid.

 

Do you two disagree on everything?

[Moose]

Originally posted by michelangelo

so mom doesn't care, dad does. Which parent is the kid going to believe?

 

This is not a parenting issue, it is a man and wife issue being played out on the kid.

 

Do you two disagree on everything?

 

No we don't. And it's not a man and wife issue either. It's clearly his lazyness, and I for one won't stand for it. What do you think? That I got onto him about his shoe laces just to peeve her off or what? Moose doesn't play those games. If I want to piss the Mrs. off, trust me, I know of better methods.

[michelangelo]

So if his mom says it is no big deal and you say it is a big deal, who wins the paper/rocks/scissors game being played out?

[izzybelle]

kmt,

 

i agree, also, with a lot of what immoralist said. while i know, from reading here, that the "excuse" many wayward spouses give for wanting "out" is the "i'm not in love with you" line, it doesn't always mean an affair.

 

i, too, played along in my marriage for years and had fallen out of love with my H. it took a major health crisis and several years of counseling to get the strength to get out. it is not an easy decision. and i heard it all from friends....that i hadn't tried, that i was taking the easy way out....blah, blah, blah. often what seems like such a "perfect" marriage from the outside is far from that. everyone assumed that i was having an affair. my ex, from first appearances, seems like the "perfect" man, outwardly warm, caring, intelligent and frequently described as "hot".... but in many cases, and i suspect in your friends, there is a lot that bubbles under the surface that many don't see. and in my case, my ex also refused to see them.

 

so, if she did walk away without having an affair, as painful as it may be for him, and my heart does go out to him since i'm sure this can't be easy, at least she had the "balls" and morals to stay faithful and get out.

 

and moose, i have an 11 and 13 year old and neither of them tie their shoes! i think it's a teen thing. i just tell them that if they trip and fall on their faces they're not getting any sympathy from mom!!!