Cheating isn't as exciting as some people think. Personal experience.

[rahul_sinha]

I'm turning 20 this year. And I'm not sure whether that age gives me the maturity to be able to look at someone and genuinely say "I love you". But I do. Everyday. Since I was 17.

She's the first person I ever had feelings for. My first relationship. And I cheated on her.

I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I'm not even sure I'd take any of your advices whole heartedly. I just wanted some place to vent out my feelings.

 

She's an amazing person.Very fun to talk to and generally be with. Whenever I'm in a rut she always manages to pull me back up. She's the main reason I haven't turned to drugs in college like most of my other friends. She brings meaning to everything I do and I'm glad to do anything if it's for her.Overall she makes me very very happy. We both may not share a lot of common beliefs but that is something we both agreed upon. Our relationship has been going on for more than 2 years now and we rarely fight and if we do it's usually patched up instantly. So we have quite the perfect relationship going on.

Two major things I had an issue at first but which we 'seemingly' resolved are

 

LDR: I live around 400kms away from her college and due to the strict nature of her institution I see her at an average of twice in three months.(Disregarding vacations). Her college restricts internet use so she can't skype me.Leaving phone calls as our only option which we do everyday.

 

Her decision to wait till marriage: This one had an adverse impact on me. She's from a very conservative family and thus our advancements in physical intimacy was very slow paced. First kiss after 2 months of dating. Any further advancements took place after almost an year extending at max till, I don't like the use of the term but,'Second base'. Initially I was frustrated. I don't see sex as something wrong or morale shattering and it felt bad when she would blatantly refuse any approach from my side. It made me feel like some desperate deviant. But gradually I got used to it. (One thing to clarify is she's not refusing because she finds me unlike-able or has an issue with me. If that is the case then she would be the worlds greatest liar because even if I had the emotion reading abilities of a cactus I could tell that this girl genuinely loves me.). With time I too began to support her decision to wait till marriage and we continued as quite the happy couple.

 

Then as with all these stories, One night I got drunk.It was at a friends end-semester party and I wasn't keeping track of the alcohol I was consuming. I was sitting on the couch inebriated when this girl comes and sits next to me. I hadn't noticed it at first but she was starting to get comfortable around me. She came closer and closer till she was right next to my face. By this time I was aware of the position I was in yet for some unexplainably stupid reason I didn't do anything. Our lips touched and I backed off. But suddenly I was filled with with this urge. She came at me again and I backed off again but that was it. The next time she came we made out. She dragged me outside and we started making out near the stairs. Soon she started undressing me and I her when she asked me whether I had a girlfriend. That brief pause took me back to the reality of what I was committing. The night ended with me assisting the girl back to her room and myself heading back to my apartment with the worst experience of my life.

 

I don't know what would've happened that night if she hadn't asked. And I'm haunted by the daunting possibility of what I would've done. "Nothing happened" I kept telling myself. "And nothing would've happened..She doesn't need to know..". The days after were suffocating. Whenever we talked I was constantly tinged by guilt and was on the verge of telling her the truth. But if there's one thing I know about her it's that she values the bond between us more than anything else.She puts her complete and unfaltering trust in me and considers the very notion of me cheating on her completely ridiculous and unrealistic.

Which makes me hate myself with a passion.

Now I'm in a constant rut where every second I spend with her is what I feel a second I don't deserve. Yet, I cant possibly even imagine having the courage or whatever to scar her in anyway. It's been a month now and regretfully I'm slowly coping with my current state. But occasionally it all comes back.The guilt.The regret.The fear. Today was one of those moments. I don't know whether I'll ever be able to forgive myself and keep living the lie or if I'll ever work up the courage required to tell her what happened.(It is absolutely certain she will take it in a very bad way. She might forgive me but she'll never feel the same way about us again. She'll never be the cheerful trustful person she is again. And she will never forget that our bond regardless of how strong she feels it is, Is always susceptible to being broken.)

 

I know it was a long read but I'd like to thank anyone who made it this far. I'm not really looking for anyone's advice as in the end its all down to what I believe and I'm not trying to validate what I did by posting on a public forum. I just needed to get this out somewhere.

 

Thanks again.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

In my opinion, you didn't cheat, but I'm well aware everyone's definition of infidelity varies from person to person. However I really feel like you need to reevaluate your position and whether continuing this relationship is something you genuinely wish to, or even should pursue.

 

As a twenty year old man in a college environment, in a long distance relationship, I have little doubt that temptations will present themselves at an increasing rate, meanwhile your ability to rebuff sexual advances will decrease at the same or greater speed. Especially if you're even moderately attractive and/or have a lot of single friends.

 

As it stands, not only is your relationship long distance, but even when you are together, the level of sexual contact you're having is....limited, at best. Is that something you can really see yourself living with for the next two, four, six, etc years? Do you not see how your sexual frustration might build and create resentment?

 

In reality, even setting the 'cheating' aside, there really are very few directions in which this relationship can go and the one in which you continue happily along, finish college and live happily ever after is distant to say the least.

 

By the way, when people refer to the "excitement" of cheating they're generally speaking in terms of a long term, or series of long term affairs. No a one-off instance of some heavy petting in a stairwell.

[daisydook]

I think you should be honest. Let her know what happened and allow her to make an informed decision about the status of your relationship with her.

 

She deserves the truth. Right?

 

Good luck.

[rahul_sinha]

@Lernaean_Hydra Well, It's more about the ease with which what happened happened that worries me the most. I mean there was no frustration leading up to that point. There was no ongoing fight and I wasn't even sexually inclined towards the girl before making out. It just happened and I should've been able to avoid it.

Regarding the relationship thing, Believe me, There were times when my frustration would get to me especially when we just started dating and all of my friends start enquiring about my virginity -_-. You know the drill.

Peer A: "Dude, Just bang you chick already man !"

Me:"It's not like that !"

Peer B: "Yeah man, Like I can't even imagine not having sex dude"

Me:"Sigh...Look She doesn't wanna 'do it' and I'm not one to force her."

Peer A:"Just dump her and get a new chick bro"

Conversations like these tend to be a tad bit annoying to say the least. And sometimes I even find myself agreeing with them. It's not like I don't wanna have sex. But then when I talk to her I think, Maybe I can wait a bit more. She's just that great to be with. So there comes a point where you end up accepting that 'you're just not gonna get any' atleast for now and I thought I was cool with that...

I'm a genuinely nice guy(Or so I've been told) and probably the type whose going to stick with a relationship even if it's going bad just because I don't want to hurt the other person. But that's really not the case here as I honestly do enjoy being committed to this girl.

The resentment I see is if I influence her into doing something she doesn't want and forever regretting what happened.

Or me leaving someone who makes be happy(I might be stressing this point too much) because there was no sex.

Or me doing something really stupid and destroying something I value greatly...:\

Ah, The title was simply my response when my friend(Peer A) asked how the whole experience felt

[rahul_sinha]

Double post :\

Edited May 8, 2014 by rahul_sinha

[Lernaean_Hydra]

@Lernaean_Hydra Well, It's more about the ease with which what happened happened that worries me the most. I mean there was no frustration leading up to that point. There was no ongoing fight and I wasn't even sexually inclined towards the girl before making out. It just happened and I should've been able to avoid it.

Regarding the relationship thing, Believe me, There were times when my frustration would get to me especially when we just started dating and all of my friends start enquiring about my virginity -_-. You know the drill.

Peer A: "Dude, Just bang you chick already man !"

Me:"It's not like that !"

Peer B: "Yeah man, Like I can't even imagine not having sex dude"

Me:"Sigh...Look She doesn't wanna 'do it' and I'm not one to force her."

Peer A:"Just dump her and get a new chick bro"

Conversations like these tend to be a tad bit annoying to say the least. And sometimes I even find myself agreeing with them. It's not like I don't wanna have sex. But then when I talk to her I think, Maybe I can wait a bit more. She's just that great to be with. So there comes a point where you end up accepting that 'you're just not gonna get any' atleast for now and I thought I was cool with that...

I'm a genuinely nice guy(Or so I've been told) and probably the type whose going to stick with a relationship even if it's going bad just because I don't want to hurt the other person. But that's really not the case here as I honestly do enjoy being committed to this girl.

The resentment I see is if I influence her into doing something she doesn't want and forever regretting what happened.

Or me leaving someone who makes be happy(I might be stressing this point too much) because there was no sex.

Or me doing something really stupid and destroying something I value greatly...:\

Ah, The title was simply my response when my friend(Peer A) asked how the whole experience felt

 

 

I had a long, drawn out portion of my initial post that went into detail about the varying types of resentment that can build but I deleted it because it was getting too wordy. Thankfully, you touched on it quite nicely so it seems you are, at least aware of certain realities.

 

Thing is, you're amazed at the ease in which you very nearly fell into bed with another woman - and trust me I know that feeling - but there's really nothing amazing about it. Your situation is basically designed to fail.

 

You can be happy as hell with your s/o and have little to no inclination towards another party but then...someone attractive/new makes a serious pass at you and the logical part of your brain shuts down and you "just go with it" and live in the moment. Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE TWENTY! that's why. It's what you're supposed to do. You have a combination of hormones, environment, availability and distance all coming together to make almost certain you slip up.

 

Peer pressure aside, you want sex but the person you (likely) most want sex from is refusing to give it to you. Unfortunately, you seem to have this idea that you can just "wait a little longer" as if you expect her to eventually give in. But what if that never happens? And even if it does, what then? You've already acknowledged she might resent you for giving in, in the end so is that really something you want for either of you?

 

 

Again, I understand you love this girl but you really need to be honest with yourself about your needs and expectations as well as hers.

[No Limit]

Cheating wasn't exciting for you. But there are people out there who would set their partners on fire just to have more nights with their lover.

 

Sad really, but it also shows a lot about them.

[TheWalkingMan]

Yeah, it is weird that some people do get off on cheating.

[Leigh 87]

In my opinion, you didn't cheat, QUOTE]

 

 

 

wth, if my bf made out with another girl I wouldn't just "let it slide".

 

It IS cheating to like... MOST people?!

[luvshaq]

"She's the main reason I haven't turned to drugs." It sounds like your infatuation with her might be a drug. If you "love" someone because they make you feel good, that's not love, that's emotional dependency.

 

 

Anyway, you should be honest. Would you be happier without her than being with her while keeping this secret?