"They won't know, unless you tell them"

[BrokenIam]

Boo to no contact...

 

It's comforting to read what other people are feeling, knowing we aren't alone, and for reading others opinions to help guide us. Please remember though, Every person, relationship and circumstance are different. Some advice, may not be right for everyone. One major one in particular......the "no contact" one.

 

In my opinion, I have to say, I completely disagree with that. It goes like this....no ifs ands or buts about it.......They won't know, if you don't tell them.

 

If you truly love someone.....TRULY.....meaning, you seriously can not live without them....(you know exactly what I mean, if you understand this).,,,then you NEED to contact them and TELL THEM! I don't care what you did, or what they did. **** your pride!!! Suck it up and TELL THEM EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!

Honestly,,,..what do you have to lose? You are already at loss without them. Our lives are so short. This is it.....it's now, or forever feel this way...without them.

 

And not for nothing....no contact could lose you YEARS of precious moments.

I know....I lost a year and a half, because of the no contact advice. In my case, it was the worse advice ever. My love is so strong for my man, it was I (not the one who took the advice) who contacted him.....and I wouldn't stop giving up. Even with the constant interceptions that I was aware of. (He was being hacked)

 

Boo to the no contact..... I was waiting.....crying, dying inside....wishing I was dead because that's how I felt, no one could ever understand my pain, I didn't understand what happened. One minute I'm happily engaged (finally), and then the next.....well.....I'm here now too,,,,,,so duh....we know what came next.

 

Point is....If you love someone that much, then you do what your heart feels, not what everyone around you is telling you. They are not you. They are not the other person. They were not living your relationship. You are/were!

 

People never give the right advice. They are just as miserable too. How can you take advice from someone who is in the same situation as you? They obviously don't know either. OR, how can you take advice from someone, who has never experienced what you're experiencing? How can you take advice and listen to anyone who doesn't know what goes on under your roof?

 

Whatever the "issues" were btwn you and your love, the"others yapping bad advice", won't even care or think about it in a year from now. Won't even be a thought. So don't give in to "what would people say". It's not their heart it's about. It's not their life. It's yours! And life is very very short. One shot at it, that's it!

A lot can happen in that year. Why worry about it, or what others may say? Who cares? They won't next year! Are you getting this??????

 

CALL!

 

I called, and I am happy again. Meh, of course I still have to deal with the aftermath....the pain is still there, but I'd rather have my love in my arms, than dwell on pain. It'll subside soon....and yay to being back on track. Bring it on life. . Let's continue this .... Be happy!

 

Good luck to all of you who are in that horrible place of pain, that no one could ever understand. I do unfortunately. My heart really goes out for you. I wish you healing in your heart.

 

BrokenIam - no more.

[STM206]

I hate posts like this because it really makes me think twice about this whole NC thing. >.<

[Natsume21]

When you see a dead puppy, giving in CPR isn't going to revive it.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

"You really should consider the source."

 

We are, "stud muffin." Clearly it's intended to be an ispirational post. Life of the party much, are ya?

[FredJones80]

I "think" the post is somewhat true, in that every relationship is different, but once you've told them and told them and told them, what more can you do?

 

Someone even posted in another thread that constant hounding pushed her away from the ex who was doing the hounding.

 

I know personally my ex hates being hounded and needs long periods of time to think, I am the kind of person who would like to hear, everyone is different.

 

It's difficult for us dumpee's, part of you wants to stay NC and respect their decision but who knows what to do after 1, 2, 3, 6 months of NC, should you reach out see if they've had time to deal with whatever issue caused the break down of the relationship? You could find something you didn't want, like they're with someone new or something worse, it will only set you back.

 

I do agree each situation is unique and there isn't a one size fits all solution for every situation.

[BrokenIam]

You really should consider the source.

 

The OP followed the new girl of Ex here to LS and a cat fight ensues, BPD, lying, using kids against each other, abuse, cheating, threats, stalking, hacking, tons of kids, no marriage, etc.

 

If you are into Jerry Springer: having a hard time... bf with exgf with BPD

 

Note: Coco (the girl who "stole" the BF of OP of this thread) is the first poster in the above link. The OP above (BrokenIam) later responds to her in that thread.

 

OY....getting referred to jerry springer.....yikes. But I suppose, when you word it like that.....

 

As I said, some advice doesn't work for everyone.

 

To fredjones80 ...... But, as long as you told them and tried......right? Nothing to lose.

 

I wanted to share my personal experience with the no contact rule. If my story helps even one relationship, then this thread was worth posting. Heartbreak is the worse feeling ever!!!!

 

Peace!

[FredJones80]

To fredjones80 ...... But, as long as you told them and tried......right? Nothing to lose.

 

Sure, but I think there is a limit and point you have to say, Enough is enough.

 

You are correct though, all situations are different.

 

For example, if your other half left because you couldn't/wouldn't commit and you realised your mistakes, then it is probably up to you to show, move mountains, etc that you're serious and are ready to commit.

 

On the other hand, in the majority of cases no amount of continued non-NC will change the situation and only serve to push further away as others have written so well previously all over this forum.

[dontgiveuponme]

I agree that every relationship is different.Looking back how i keep leaving him messages and pouring my heart out for a month, i didnt regret it.Now im happy to do NC because i felt peace at last that at least i did my part,that i tried.If i go NC immediately maybe ill gonna keep hoping and lots of "what if" will gonna play in my head.

 

I already told him what i want to say and how i feel now i can move on with no more heavy heart.Yes it still really hurts but not as bad compare before im trying to do NC immediately.For me thats my closure.

[BrokenIam]

When a person tells the other person, they aren't "into" the relationship (per say in wording)....that is different. You can't make a person love/want you.

 

In my case, our love has always been intense, deep, and passionate. Love at first site love.... Our love wasn't the problem, it was this mechanical world that was....and unfortunately in our case, the "technical" world too.

[BrokenIam]

I hate posts like this because it really makes me think twice about this whole NC thing. >.<

 

Depending on your personal relationship situation.....maybe you should.

You never know until you try.

 

If you did over and over again.....well, at least you tried.

 

If you didn't..... Hence my thread title....

 

[jt27]

I agree with you broken. If you feel the need to pour your heart out or do something to prove to yourself that you indeed try everything and won't be satisfied until you do, then do it. If it doesn't work, it's time to stop the contact and work on yourself. I did things after my break up that may seem silly but it helped me with some closure. Did it push her further away? Who knows. But it helped me and that's what matters now.

[Itspointless]

but who knows what to do after 1, 2, 3, 6 months of NC, should you reach out see if they've had time to deal with whatever issue caused the break down of the relationship? You could find something you didn't want, like they're with someone new or something worse, it will only set you back.

That is the choice you consciously have to make for yourself. In a way you can take the chance knowingly that it is a risk. Sometimes the risk can prove to be worth it, well at least if the dumper does not decide to repeat his or her behaviour somewhere in the future.

 

Often people are really not up to reaching out as actually you should expect failure. An example of a failed attempt where emotion came into play is this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/467115-spanish-translation

 

This user found closure see last post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/472057-reached-out-my-ex-after-many-months

Edited May 8, 2014 by Itspointless

[No Limit]

OP, do you even realize how many users and readers you are putting at stake here by posting this?

 

There's no need to speak your mind after a seperation, it's way too late at that point. And quite frankly, many dumpers could care less, maybe even found new ones at this point. It will get you back together for a few weeks at best and then the relationship will crumble because of the same reason it did the last time.

 

Don't beat the dead horse, it won't feel your efforts.

 

And while I don't want to bad mouth you OP, you shouldn't have posted about your great anti-NC experience before your revived relationship passed the 1 year mark. Your guy might have just given in to being contacted endlessly (judging by the sound of what you wrote?!).

 

People never give the right advice. They are just as miserable too. How can you take advice from someone who is in the same situation as you? They obviously don't know either. OR, how can you take advice from someone, who has never experienced what you're experiencing? How can you take advice and listen to anyone who doesn't know what goes on under your roof?

 

Yes, they do. And this part of your post shows that you think of your situation as so much different from all the others - it's not.

Still going to wish you good fortune, 'cause seeing how bad you've taken your last breakup (and just a reminder here -- NCs are here to heal by as it says, NO CONTACT, cutting all ties; it's NOT A TOOL TO GET YOUR EX BACK!) I think your next one will be even worse.

Edited May 8, 2014 by No Limit

[Abandon Hope]

You want to tell them how you feel about them after they dump you? Then do it, try whatever you can straight after. Tell them you love them and made mistakes, beg if you need to.

If they still don't want you then NC is the only way forward. Stick to it. Do not look back. Do not wait for them to contact you. Move on. F*ck them.

[Always Pondering]

Sure, anything can happen otherwise there'd be a concrete rule book on how to live life perfectly with no mistakes but I personally disagree with OP.

 

There is something left that you have "to lose" which is your dignity and self-worth. You sound just like me a long time ago thinking my situation was "unique" and "no one really understands our background" but more than not, the scenarios always end up as people expect it to. I broke NC once or twice, and I thought I was happy from that but that was simply denial and all I did was look silly and set back my healing for quite a bit.

 

I trusted the people here on LS and took their advice. I read stories from others and took their words seriously, and I am a whole lot better right now than I was before I discovered LS. If anything, I was the opposite and "wasted" a year of my life staying in a state of breaking NC.

 

I mean, props to you OP for being "optimistic" in a sense but I just fear for the other readers who follow your advice and risk end up hurting worse in the long-run.

 

Just my $0.02.

[STM206]

Sure, anything can happen otherwise there'd be a concrete rule book on how to live life perfectly with no mistakes but I personally disagree with OP.

 

There is something left that you have "to lose" which is your dignity and self-worth. You sound just like me a long time ago thinking my situation was "unique" and "no one really understands our background" but more than not, the scenarios always end up as people expect it to. I broke NC once or twice, and I thought I was happy from that but that was simply denial and all I did was look silly and set back my healing for quite a bit.

 

I trusted the people here on LS and took their advice. I read stories from others and took their words seriously, and I am a whole lot better right now than I was before I discovered LS. If anything, I was the opposite and "wasted" a year of my life staying in a state of breaking NC.

 

I mean, props to you OP for being "optimistic" in a sense but I just fear for the other readers who follow your advice and risk end up hurting worse in the long-run.

 

Just my $0.02.

 

This makes a lot of sense.

 

I've remained NC aside from checking his facebook profile - it's like the final step before really letting go.

 

I was tempted to reach out after I saw this post yesterday but managed to refrain. What helped was the thought of "Why the hell would I reach out AGAIN? Just to get the same treatment".

 

It's hard though, harder than it should be.

[L1ght]

When you see a dead puppy, giving in CPR isn't going to revive it.

Pretty much this.

The No contact rule is for the time when the relationship ends up like this. The time when you have already said and tried everything.

After that point it really is time to let go.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Agreed, but that doesn't seem to be the OPs situation.

[L1ght]

Agreed, but that doesn't seem to be the OPs situation.

When I read the OP's words and see the blind optimism portrayed I (just like @Always Pondering described) basically see myself in the days when I was weaker and still hanging on to something that doesn't exist. I also get the sense that the OP seems to think her situation is unique and that nobody else in the world could possibly feel what she is feeling right now.

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, ate some chocolate chip cookies, decided to make a bbq and drink some beer...etc etc.

[BrokenIam]

This thread is to help people, not hurt them. I apologize if I have offended or hurt anyone. I felt this way, about the NC, way before I decided to be with him again. Once he told me, I was like...WHAT?! I had asked him, but why didn't you just call me? He said, "because everything I read, told me not to." Off the bat, wrong advice for "our" situation....(again...not knowing the true facts).

 

No offense to anyone, but intelligent, or not, some people are completely clueless in the aspect of love. Those are the ones I'm trying to help. IF every situation/circumstance is different....NO ADVICE IS THE RIGHT ADVICE.

 

The ONLY advice I give and listen to is, is truth....

"Oh, I am sooo sorry". That stinks. No words can help or sooth you. Its time.

It could be quick, but it could take forever. I understand your pain,and am here for you, if you need to talk (Which SHOULD be the only purpose for this site).

You need to do what works for you. If you need to call, call. if you need to scream, scream. If you need to cry, cry! Always follow your instincts, and your heart. You can listen to others, but do what works for you......not what you "think"others think you should do."

 

This is isn't about my specific situation, it's about sharing my experience with this NC rule, that it is NOT the right advice for some, and SOME people need to understand that before they let their whole lives go by for no reason.....just maybe....you never know, unless YOU TELL THEM.

 

I wish all of you on this board my deepest sympathy, as I completely understand your pain of heartbreak. Follow your heart and instincts Period! And if you did, or if your circumstance doesn't allow you to, only then would you need to go there...the NC way. But then again.....you should get off this site and move away from all this pain to really help you move on.

 

Peace!

[L1ght]

I felt this way, about the NC, way before I decided to be with him again.

 

Peace!

I'm confused. Your first post wasn't completely clear as you said something like you went no contact for a year and a half, then you contacted him...but he had been hacked? You need to make it clearer what events actually took place because what you described makes no sense.

Now you are saying you are back with him again?

Please be clear so I can understand fully your circumstances and not have to fill in the missing parts myself.

You don't need to write 5 pages worth.....just be clear and accurate.

[L1ght]

I mean I absolutely think a relationship is worth hanging onto if there is actually something left to hang onto. Are you saying that the two of you had a massive breakdown in communication for a year and a half, he was advised to go no contact, you broke no contact, he was hacked in some way shape or form and now today you are back with him again?

 

 

If that's the case then no contact isn't really applicable since the two parties involved still have an interest in each other.

 

 

No contact is absolutely the best way to move on in a situation where the relationship is dead despite how massive the love you feel towards someone is. There is a line and we all know when we reach that point. It just takes some people longer to accept it.

Edited May 9, 2014 by L1ght

[BrokenIam]

I'm confused. Your first post wasn't completely clear as you said something like you went no contact for a year and a half, then you contacted him...but he had been hacked? You need to make it clearer what events actually took place because what you described makes no sense.

Now you are saying you are back with him again?

Please be clear so I can understand fully your circumstances and not have to fill in the missing parts myself.

You don't need to write 5 pages worth.....just be clear and accurate.

 

I was just leaving this site. I honestly don't think the specifics of our breakup matters in my words I'm relaying.

 

Our situation isn't "so different" or "unique", in the aspect of....HEARTBREAK IS HEARTBREAK....no matter how you got there.

 

But if you must know.....Ours was based on lies, and manipulation through the technology world. Our whole mess was a year and a half. (Two years this month when the nightmare started). There were bits of communication...but most was intercepted, and manipulated. IF in our case, IF he had listened to his heart and not this site of NC, it wouldn't of been a year and half until we were hearing the words we were aching to hear all that time..."I love you, I miss you, I am sorry and i don't want to live my life without you......I hope you feel the same"....

 

Good luck to all!

Peace!

[BrokenIam]

I mean I absolutely think a relationship is worth hanging onto if there is actually something left to hang onto. Are you saying that the two of you had a massive breakdown in communication for a year and a half, he was advised to go no contact, you broke no contact, he was hacked in some way shape or form and now today you are back with him again?

 

 

If that's the case then no contact isn't really applicable since the two parties involved still have an interest in each other.

 

 

No contact is absolutely the best way to move on in a situation where the relationship is dead despite how massive the love you feel towards someone is. There is a line and we all know when we reach that point. It just takes some people longer to accept it.

 

Yes....in certain situations, the NC rule is necessary.

[L1ght]

I was just leaving this site. I honestly don't think the specifics of our breakup matters in my words I'm relaying.

 

Our situation isn't "so different" or "unique", in the aspect of....HEARTBREAK IS HEARTBREAK....no matter how you got there.

 

But if you must know.....Ours was based on lies, and manipulation through the technology world. Our whole mess was a year and a half. (Two years this month when the nightmare started). There were bits of communication...but most was intercepted, and manipulated. IF in our case, IF he had listened to his heart and not this site of NC, it wouldn't of been a year and half until we were hearing the words we were aching to hear all that time..."I love you, I miss you, I am sorry and i don't want to live my life without you......I hope you feel the same"....

 

Good luck to all!

Peace!

Sounds to me like you have never even met the guy. The only way technology could have manipulated your relationship is if you only used texts and emails and never had a real life conversation with him. So why didn't you just pick up the phone and clear up the nonsense once technology started manipulating things? (I'm guessing you are referring to the hacking and confusion arising from messed up or diverted emails or something? Again thanks for not being clear and honest about your circumstances.)

Eh...I'm not sure what to make of this. Its not even a real life relationship and something as simple as someone getting hacked caused the two of you to stop "talking" for a year and a half.

Edited May 9, 2014 by L1ght