Wife wants divorce but gives other signs as well

[onew1sh]

Me and my wife been married for around 9 months and about 6 months ago she got in touch with one of her mates from school days.. they spoke a few days via txt and then stopped for 2 months but since end of january she has been speaking to him via txt and calls behind my back since now.

 

She spoke to him regarding our marriage problems.. mainky arguements and me neglecting het.

 

I even spoke to him and he tried giving me advice in terms of what to do to keep her.

 

I told her she may be having an emotional affair but she denys it and cant believe I would say such a thing.. she even told the guy about it.

 

I told her I dont want her speaking to him no more and she agreed and stopped. Its been about 5 days.

 

about 2 months ago she came to the conclusion that she wanted a divorce and theres nothing I can do to change her mind or give her some space where she moves out and she would think about it.

 

I made usual mistakes begging, pleading, crying, reassuring her, all the other typical things.

 

She thought I was pathetic. She got angry once and told me she found someone, how he loves her and what not but then she said that she only said it because she was angry.

 

I told her ill let her go because I truelly love her but I just wanted her to be honest with me.. she still ****ing lied!! She said she was speaking to him only 2 months when it was really 6!! I found this out from her phone bills.. but I told her he told me this.

 

anyways after I got her to stop contacting him I started being nice to her in terms of understanding her and doing things for her. And she said that who knows if you stay like this I might just extend your stay.. oh yh basically we moved out to a new flat on saturday and she has given me 3 months before I have to move out.. anyways the next day me and her sat on the sofa and she was leaning against me and we were talking and I told her about the new job I was going for and told her the first thing id get her is a car if she passed.. and I was telling her how im jus going to focus on myself and try get my business up and running at the same time.

 

Its a photography business and she knows itll take longer than 3 months to start but she still turnt around and said you could take pictures in here of clients. I thought in my head but im going in 3 months wtf? Confusing

 

Anyways next day I was trying to fit the shelf on and drilled a hole and I couldnt fit it and she went mad and started cryinh and threw the shelf across the flat. She layed on the sofa bed until late because I kept telling her to go to the bed if she goin sleep and kept apologising.

 

She says she has to mother me and im not a man. She always says this but she never sees the good I do.

 

So yesterday when she got back home from work I had her supper ready and we ate.. and I told her what I did that day including fillering and sanding as well as painting over the drill hole.. I was about to have a cigarette when she said listen before u go let me tell you this so you can smoke and take your stress out.. why do you have to stay for 3 months why cant you go in a month or two? I told her well thats upto you babe if you want I can.. its my request and your decision. And then I went to have my cigarette and left it without an answer..

 

My friend says that you changed and give her all your time. Thats good. Your starting to see her side thats good.. you now need to be a man.. she is making a house into a home and you need to do it together because then you become part of the home and taking you out will make the home into a house.. you cant mess up at all..

 

I asked him if I had a chance and he said not right now.. maybe if you gain man points then maybe..

 

 

right what do you guys think of this? I can give more details.

 

She has told me she doesnt know who she is anymore.. wants to find herself.. our marriage is too complicated.. I dnt think she has forgiven me for a lot of things and resents me..

 

She gives signs that im going to be there for awhile and then says I have to go soon. I really dont get it.

[Crossroads66]

Get out. Get out now. She has no respect for you as a partner or a person and it's destroying your self-esteem.

 

Then learn to live and love yourself for who *you* are, treat yourself with pride and respect and eventually you'll find someone with whom you can share a relationship based on love and understanding.

[No Limit]

This "relationship" if you can call it that has become toxic for you.

Your "wife" is putting more attention and effort into this guy who's supposedly 'giving her advice' than into you. Leave, quickly.

[bubbaganoosh]

The biggest mistake you can make is keeping this woman around. She's doing you no good and will take your dignity and trash it worse than it already is.

 

You can do so much better than a selfish, self centered woman.

[onew1sh]

But she used to be such a loving person, she used to do everything for me, had her life revolving around me. She even lost her virginity to me.

 

I really don't want to let her go, because I can't ever trust marriage again.

 

Im only 24 and shes 21. We been together 4 years.. she comes from a really bad background where her parents split up.

 

Isnt there anything I can do to change her mind? Its so hard letting go when I love her so much.

 

 

I did neglect her.. I did calm her names I pushed her to this. But whatever the case is she did go behind my back and spoke to a guy.. who is apparantly married.. he even spoke to me and he gave me advice which made so much sense to be honest.. but the prick went and told her our convo after he promised not to.

 

I dont know what to do anymore, I really dont.

 

She may be like this now but at one point before she asked for the divorce she was sooo nice to me, she was soo loving. Even though she was getting "advice" from that guy

But I dont know what their txts involved.

 

I cant believe this is happening and I just want to know what I can do to keep her.

 

My mind tells me shes toxic and is not the woman I fell in love with and I should just go.

 

My heart tells me to fight until the end to try keep her.

 

I really am so confused.

[FredJones80]

What a sad situation... I have to ask and I don't mean this in a bad way but, why did you get married?

 

Because in all honesty, someone doesn't just change in 9 months. From your side of the story it sounds like she was never committed to this "marriage"

[No Limit]

Don't focus on who she used to be. People change, and not always for the better. She obviously worsened, and it's not within your power to fix that. Seeing how she asks for advice from others she's probably putting all blame on you, perhaps she's a narcissist in an earlier stage of developement.

 

And if she really spends that much time with the other guy, she's either having an emotional affair or perhaps soon the old classic physical affair as well.

 

Doesn't really matter though, this marriage is dead. Get out and save what you can.

[onew1sh]

I married her cause I loved her cause I saw a future with her.. she isnt the cheating type and never was.. but I dont know if shes cheated or perhaps had an emotional affair and doesnt want to do anything with him until we are divorced to cease her guilty conscience.

 

I just want to know what I can do to keep her. Is there nothing I can do?

[onew1sh]

Omg some one please give me an idea as to whats happening..

 

Update..

 

Past three days we been sexually intimate and she has been so loving in return..

 

She came and kissed me so many times.. and shes even started calling me just for a normal convo during our lunch breaks.

 

I've compeletely stopped the begging pleading and all that bs

. I agree to everything she says and dont let her negativity effect me.

 

This probz made her feel more comfortable in interacting with me but she did say when she kissed me that I shldnt get it twisted or think anything of it.. I kept it strong and said dnt wry man I don't care. Yh im am idiot for saying that but it didnt make a difference to her.

 

she used to see sex as a chore and something she never enjoyed but last night she asked me for it.

 

I dont understand how she can be soo loving but still want a divorce.. well we havnt spoken about a divorce recently but she said dont think anything or get it twisted so it makes me think thats the outcome.

 

Am I meant to let the kisses and the sex happen or pull away? I dnt understanf. We are both going to go out tomorrow so im hoping I can make it like a casual date.

 

ive started working out again and when I finished doing my crunches I jus layed on the floor out of breathe and she came and sat on top of me and rubbed herself on me.

 

does this mean im rebuilding the attraction? Im so confused and im so young only 24 and I really need guidance. My overall mentality and the type of person I am is usually a very mature individual but this has broke me down along with my confidence self esteem and has destroyed me. I really dont know what to do.

 

one thing I dont want to do is let her go. For sure not!

[PegNosePete]

What do you mean LET her go?

Do you think she needs your permission to go?

You can't control her actions. If she wants to go then she can.

 

I would be highly suspicious of this situation. She was having an affair (emotional for sure, physical likely too) within 9 months of marriage. Is that the actions of a loving committed person? Not the type to cheat, pull the other one, that is what they ALL say! Now since she was definitely having an affair with this guy what is to say she isn't having more? Maybe that is why she has done the 180 now. Maybe her affair partner called it off and she needs to feel loved and attractive again so she is turning to you. Just a short while ago she was attempting to get you kicked out of your home. Has she explained, apologised for that, and taken back her demands? Or does she still expect you to move out and get a divorce in 3 months??? Don't ASSUME anything!

[onew1sh]

What do you mean LET her go?

Do you think she needs your permission to go?

You can't control her actions. If she wants to go then she can.

 

I would be highly suspicious of this situation. She was having an affair (emotional for sure, physical likely too) within 9 months of marriage. Is that the actions of a loving committed person? Not the type to cheat, pull the other one, that is what they ALL say! Now since she was definitely having an affair with this guy what is to say she isn't having more? Maybe that is why she has done the 180 now. Maybe her affair partner called it off and she needs to feel loved and attractive again so she is turning to you. Just a short while ago she was attempting to get you kicked out of your home. Has she explained, apologised for that, and taken back her demands? Or does she still expect you to move out and get a divorce in 3 months??? Don't ASSUME anything!

 

No I meant as in if she wants to go I cant stop her but I dont willingly want to let her go.

 

and no she hasn't made it physical, they had no chance to and she would never do such thing, well I dont know, man why you gotta make me think for now .

 

Well im sure she hasnt nothing made it suspicious for her to do that. But yh she defo spoke to him since january 24th and from the sounds of it, it does seem like she was giving her advice.. I spoke to him and he even gave me advice.. he tried helping save the marriage which was odd. But ive made them both stop speaking to eachother now, and thats dead certain they have. I check her bills and she dont know I do.

 

and its me doing the 180.. and no she aint apologised nor taken back demands and from the looks she does expect me to move out in 3 months and give divorce.

 

but before she expected me to give her divorce and not even move in but i changed her mind by being understanding. Shes such a good wife to me and is acting like my wife again.. I think im rebuilding attraction and tbh I dnt know how ill feel once my marriage is good again if it does go to that point in regards to the affair. Because she believes that there wasnt an emotional affair going on because he was just a friend she turned to for a males perspective.

 

It all does sound fishy but everyone that knows her knows she would never cheat ever.. shes not that type of girl. Shes too much of a nice person.. but I guess she turnt to a bitch, excuse my french, so I really dont know.

[PegNosePete]

she aint apologised nor taken back demands and from the looks she does expect me to move out in 3 months and give divorce.

 

Shes such a good wife to me

Dude do you realize how nonsensical this sounds? Just read through it and imagine it's someone else you're reading about. Does a good wife do this to her husband? Does a good wife do this to ANYONE? Does a good wife do this even to her worst enemy?!?! NO... by the very definition, someone who acts like this is NOT a good wife.

 

It all does sound fishy but everyone that knows her knows she would never cheat ever.. shes not that type of girl. Shes too much of a nice person.. but I guess she turnt to a bitch, excuse my french, so I really dont know.

Dude like I said earlier do you know how many husbands say that about their wife? If it isn't obvious... 100%... literally EVERY SINGLE MAN thinks that about their wife and guess what, a whole lot of them are still saying it even when she has another man's penis in her mouth. Seriously my man just read through some other threads on here and see how often that phrase comes up. She would never do that... we discussed cheating and we agreed it's unacceptable... she hates cheaters because she was once cheated on and would never do that to someone... BLAH BLAH... 3 days later "oh I just found out she is cheating after all". Man it's like they follow a script or something. It's always the same. So this nice type of girl BS, really it's just a load of BS. Everyone is capable. As Batman says... it's not who you are underneath, it's your actions that define you. Meaning your nature does not define your actions, but the other way around.

[onew1sh]

Well she WAS the best wife and to be honest there were no chance that she could've met up with him. She had way 2 much to deal with to do that during this crucial time. And also he spoke to me and tried to help fix the marriage that part I don't understand

 

And if he wern't just a friend why would she agree to stop talking to him and literally just stop? It doesn't make sense.

 

I'm not thinking clearly am I? But I cant assume without solid proof.

[PegNosePete]

And also he spoke to me and tried to help fix the marriage that part I don't understand

So he helps save the amrriage and proves to her that he is a great guy. She is eternally grateful to him and one day decides to pay him a visit to show how grateful she is.

 

Yes some guys do plan this kind of stuff and some women fall for it.

 

I'm not thinking clearly am I? But I cant assume without solid proof.

No, you're not. But you don't need proof. You need to ask your wife what the status of your marriage is, whether she still expects you to move out and accept her divorce or whether she has changed her mind. And if so, why she has changed her mind. Basically you need to find out from her what on earth is going on with your marriage!

[onew1sh]

So he helps save the amrriage and proves to her that he is a great guy. She is eternally grateful to him and one day decides to pay him a visit to show how grateful she is.

 

Yes some guys do plan this kind of stuff and some women fall for it.

 

 

No, you're not. But you don't need proof. You need to ask your wife what the status of your marriage is, whether she still expects you to move out and accept her divorce or whether she has changed her mind. And if so, why she has changed her mind. Basically you need to find out from her what on earth is going on with your marriage!

 

Shes basically saying that i've changed.. and for the better but she cant promise that we will work. She loves me and cares for me and doesnt want me to go but this is not what she wants anymore.

 

These are her reasons

 

We got married too young

She cant forget the hurt

She wants to be her own person without anyone telking her what to do

She doesnt want to be in this no more

 

She still loves me and cares for me.. she doesnt want me to go but she wants to be by herself and wants to be her own person.. she still hasnt spoken to the guy since.

 

Shes been talking about getting a car we can both share.. but why wheb we are ending?

 

She said shes going to see if her feelings change.. about wanting to be her own person. But we will see.. which I highly doubt.

[thedude1974]

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It's not a sex manual, and you will have valuable insight into your W's behavior in there.

[ashleyjohn]

The mixed signals predicament is not all that uncommon. One you know what you really want, you should try and talk it out with her!

[Black Knight]

Hey One wish keep your head up dude, and don't let someone demasculate you and make you act less than the man you are. Someone, posted above to love yourself and to treat yourself with kindness and respect. That was excellent advice and until you love yourself no one else will. This women has been texting and keeping open communication with another man for over six months according to his own word and she lied and told you a shorter time. Never ignore signs that you see in a relationship because if you ignore the signs you are headed toward disaster. When a road sign says stop and you continue on, you run the risk of an accident and you are headed toward an accident.

 

You are only a year into the marriage and she is lying and having an emotional affair this will lead to a physical affair soon, she is telling you that but you are choosing to ignore that by her erractic behavior, like she was talking to you on the couch and acting sweet, then she explodes into a fit of anger, don't be blind or naive. Move on and when you heal find someone who will love you for you.

 

I don't know all the particulars of the relationship and I heard you mention things you may have done in the past, I don't know but infadelity is never the answer to any problem in a relationship they only confuse it and muddy up the waters. You can't change someone mind when they make their mind up to do something, as long, as you continue to hold on to the notion that you can change her mind, you are fooling yourself big time, if that is her decision, accept it and move on with your own plans.

 

You will be better off in the long run and for you to beg and grovel for a relationship is dumb, no offense, just accept it and don't live in denial, move forward with your plans for your business and your life and get your things together and move on, find you a place and keep it moving. I hope this will help you some.

 

Well signing off, this is your boy Marquin aka Black Knight, if you want to view more comments and articles of relationships view my blog, leave a comment. www.yrwomencrazy.com

[jbelle6]

I'm sorry but everyone on here says that the ex would NEVER cheat, then we get the updates. I'm not sure why people are in such denial over it either, I assume my ex found someone else because he was acting different, I don't need proof, my gut tells me enough.

 

People who have found someone else act just like your ex, with all the mixed feelings, it's like they don't trust things to work out with the new person yet so they string you along for a month or two...

 

If she wants you to be a man, then be one and leave. Let her make her own dinners or have the other guy be her puppy.

[onew1sh]

Nah im very very sure she hasnt had physical contact with the guy.. I would definitely found out.. also they been speaking for 2.5months constantly and thats when she had given me a final chance at that point.. even til now they havnt spoke.. and I no this for a fact.

 

whatever the case is shes more loving towards me and kissed me today whilst I was sleeping.. she says that she might just stay in this for the sake of it.. just so im not hurt. But says she can never trust me or anyone else for that matter.

 

She speaks at times into the future which is what I dont get and when I dont let her be her own person at times.. she speaks about getting a D.