Wife's affair with boss

[hoddenxg]

I'm 36, and married with a 14-year-old son.

 

I found out that my wife was having an affair with her boss when I found a text on her iPhone from a guy, at first I had no idea who "John" (well, let's call him that, shall we, rather than his real name) was, then it hit me, it was her boss. The message was, shall we say, a bit sappy. As for how I found the iPhone, she'd left it by the bed when she set out for work (I was using up leave, and she was in work that day)

 

I realized immediately that it was her boss when I saw the name and surname at the top of the message and am furious.

 

I couldn't/won't hurt the guy, unlike some other men, it's a line I won't cross.

 

When she came in from work that day, about 6:30pm, I showed her the message, and rather than try to deny it, she said "I'm leaving you for him, you're bland, obese, dull, you dropped a bomb last night, you wear my cami tops and lingerie, you smoke." - all of which are nonsense.

 

She actually admitted it. I thought what the hell, this can't be real, admitting to an affair.

 

Now I'm thinking, I'll have to divorce, but what about issues like access to our son etc.

 

As for her and her OM, what will be the "reality" if they get together.

 

Sorry if this is long. Just need to get this out of my head.

[road]

I'm 36, and married with a 14-year-old son.

 

I found out that my wife was having an affair with her boss when I found a text on her iPhone from a guy, at first I had no idea who "John" (well, let's call him that, shall we, rather than his real name) was, then it hit me, it was her boss. The message was, shall we say, a bit sappy. As for how I found the iPhone, she'd left it by the bed when she set out for work (I was using up leave, and she was in work that day)

 

I realized immediately that it was her boss when I saw the name and surname at the top of the message and am furious.

 

I couldn't/won't hurt the guy, unlike some other men, it's a line I won't cross.

 

 

 

 

When she came in from work that day, about 6:30pm, I showed her the message, and rather than try to deny it, she said "I'm leaving you for him, you're bland, obese, dull, you dropped a bomb last night, you wear my cami tops and lingerie, you smoke." - all of which are nonsense.

 

She actually admitted it. I thought what the hell, this can't be real, admitting to an affair.

 

Now I'm thinking, I'll have to divorce, but what about issues like access to our son etc.

 

As for her and her OM, what will be the "reality" if they get together.

 

Sorry if this is long. Just need to get this out of my head.

 

 

 

 

 

Do you want to fight for the marriage or get divorced?

[jnel921]

You have confronted your W and she wants to leave. Let her go. All of the details should work themselves out after one of you leaves.

 

I am not sure why you wouldn't speak to her boss and let him know that you now know. Is he married?

 

Sounds like you need to face reality.... Your wife cheated and wants to leave you. How do you feel about that?

[BetrayedH]

Get an attorney, like, yesterday.

 

In some places, adultery matters in a divorce. It may also help if you are the person that filed for the divorce (on the basis of adultery). There can be a difference in perception; if she files for divorce and you claim adultery afterwards then it may just appear as 'sour grapes' on your part. Your attorney will know how much adultery matters in your jurisdiction.

 

I would also documenting EVERYTHING starting right now. Get screenshots of whatever you can. Proving adultery can be difficult if they delete it all and choose not to admit it. And start keeping an eye out on financials. You may want to separate finances - again, your attorney should advise you on this. Did you get an attorney yet? I told you, like, two paragraphs ago!

[Buckeye2]

You have received very good advice so far.

 

Depending on who your wife works for you may be able to get her and her boss fired for having an affair. This would be because he was her supervisor. I would hold off on reporting this and keep it for leverage in the divorce. Also, your alimony may me more if your wife is unemployed.

[TheWalkingMan]

Get a divorce immediately. This woman has zero love or respect for you if she cheats. She also has ZERO respect for the child you have either. Ask yourself..why be with such a toxic woman? There is no point in fighting for a doomed and tainted marriage to a woman who can't be in love with you.

 

Leave her, she can go be with the utter scum of a boss. Two lying deceitful people who deserve each other. She can be his problem now. She can insult you all she wants, but guess what? You are better then her boss, a better man, a better person, and not a sleaze. No matter what she says? You are superior to him. Never forget that.

[hoddenxg]

You have received very good advice so far.

 

Depending on who your wife works for you may be able to get her and her boss fired for having an affair. This would be because he was her supervisor. I would hold off on reporting this and keep it for leverage in the divorce. Also, your alimony may me more if your wife is unemployed.

 

The boss is also the owner of the place she works at, a sandwich shop - she's in a managerial position there, does promotional stuff / brochures for them etc. , creating them, designing them etc., it's a small business, so I don't think the boss can be fired - he runs the show!!! That complicates things a bit!!

It's made even worse by the fact the shop is in my neighborhood.

Moving out of the area was a solution I'd considered - but it's too expensive, even in this economy.

[A.Moscote]

Be strong and patient, take things calmly and firmly, and prepare for this coming phase of your life. Don't let the situation becomes messy and don't cross the decent line. Think of your future, the way you handle things now will have its effect on it.

 

Don't worry you won't lose your son from your life (do consult about this issue asap), but he will lose his present one. So you really have to step up big time to guide him and be the best person he can look up to.

 

...rather than try to deny it, she said "I'm leaving you for him, you're bland, obese, dull, you dropped a bomb last night...

She's trying to justify her deeds, don't let her words peg you down. Honestly even if they are true, the way she handled it (by finding someone else) just shows her value as a person and life partner.

[Bryanp]

1. If the OM is married or has a girlfriend please expose the affair to them.

2. Get tested for STD's.

3. See an attorney at once.

4. Expose her to everyone you could think of.

[BetrayedH]

Moving out of the area was a solution I'd considered - but it's too expensive, even in this economy.

 

Again, talk to your attorney before you even consider moving out, let alone moving away. It could be considered abandonment on your part.

 

You can probably get 50/50 custody of your child but there are additional concerns (such as, which parent's home is used to establish the residence for the child). I got 50/50. And I allowed my wife's residence to establish the children's residence (for the purpose of establishing their school district). However, in our marital settlement agreement, we both agreed that neither would move greater than 30 miles from the marital home. That means that we will both live in the same area until the kids are 18. She can't run away with them and leave me in a situation where I have to chase her around the country to be near my kids.

[hoddenxg]

1. If the OM is married or has a girlfriend please expose the affair to them.

2. Get tested for STD's.

3. See an attorney at once.

4. Expose her to everyone you could think of.

 

I do know from her that the man's single, in his 50's, an Indian man - India as in the country, not Native American, and has run the shop since 1993 at least.

 

When the "affair high" fades what will be the reality for my wife if she did get with the OM, as you call it? How will it affect my son? Could he be step-dad to him? What scenario would be the "reality" if they did become a couple?

 

She admitted to me she's in two minds; she loves both me and him but can't decide who to go for, she says we both have things about each other that appeal to different sides of her.

 

I already have a smoking gun, so to speak, a picture of him in his boxers on her iPhone saved in the Pictures folder, WTH, a 50-something guy in his boxers taking a selfie? I can't understand it, a 50-something guy doing selfies of himself in boxer shorts... weird. Is this a midlife crisis or what? My wife's 36, BTW, if that's of any info. As for the man, he's 51, so that's like... whaaat, a 15-year age gap!

 

This is stressing me out a fair bit and I'm worried.

[A.Moscote]

The boss is also the owner of the place...

It's made even worse by the fact the shop is in my neighborhood...

 

Put on that strong and indifferent face, and let them be for now. Just concentrate on your own goal and the custody first.

 

Remember this:

Again, talk to your attorney before you even consider moving out, let alone moving away. It could be considered abandonment on your part.

[BetrayedH]

When the "affair high" fades what will be the reality for my wife if she did get with the OM, as you call it? How will it affect my son? Could he be step-dad to him? What scenario would be the "reality" if they did become a couple?

 

(Looking into my crystal ball) Your wife will probably hope for you to keep the affair to yourself and give her an amiable divorce without your son knowing about her nonsense. Shortly after the divorce, she would tell your son that she has started "dating" her boss. In this way, she preserves her reputation with your son and avoids a lot of drama. If they marry, um yeah, he would be your son's stepfather.

 

She admitted to me she's in two minds; she loves both me and him but can't decide who to go for, she says we both have things about each other that appeal to different sides of her.

 

This is probably all about your wife getting a huge ego stroke from the attention. How validating it must be for her to have two men pining for her. Why would she commit to either of you when she can have you both fighting over her? I'll tell you a secret. She is not the prize. You are the prize and she should be fighting to keep you.

[tom670]

You could use that picture of him and put it on the cheaterville web site.

Now you should be exposing to family and friends.

[bubbaganoosh]

What you do is this. Tell her that if she wants him then go live with him and throw her out. She's burning the candle at both ends and in life, you can't have it both ways. She loves you and she loves him.

 

Don't give her the choice. That's your option not hers and if I were you, I would file for divorce and have her served at work and I would go to this guys greasy spoon restaurant and let him know in front of all his customers with her there that he can have her and good luck.

 

As far as your son, he knows who his father is and this short order cook your wife is cheating with will be nothing in you kids life. If your son loses respect for his mother, then it's her fault for being so dysfunctional. Let her worry about regaining her dignity.

[tom670]

Take the bull by the horns and serve her at work and tell her to move in with him you are moving on.

Carry a voice activated recorder on you so you don't get slapped with a false DV charge and kicked out of your house.

[TheWalkingMan]

Your son is 14 so I feel he is more then old enough to handle a divorce. It's usually harder for younger kids to understand in some ways. I still do not think children are ever a good reason to stay married. You did not marry your children, but your spouse..and they broke that contract by stepping out. Divorce is only going to truly be traumatic if it is handled poorly.

 

Some might say give your wife a second chance if she decides she does want you, but remember that she already had her second chance. There is always emotion involved when a person cheats. Even if there are no romantic feelings, lust is an emotion..and the moment that lust becomes so great a person seriously considers cheating? That is an emotional affair right there. So right then and there the person has a second chance to stop it before it goes too far, but if they then also get physical with this person, that is their 2nd chance gone. They had the option to minimize damage, but chose not to, so you need to move on.

 

She loves you and she loves him.

 

I can't figure out if the "him" in this means her son or the other man. If the latter..well, if she loves this other guy she definitely doesn't love her husband. Granted given her behavior I don't think she loves the husband either way.

[Chi townD]

Also, talk to a lawyer about filing an alienation of affection lawsuit on this guy. Chances are a lawyer is going to try and talk you out of that because they're hard to win. However, just the threat of being sued will have this guy throwing your wife under the bus. He will probably run for the hills. Then, she'll see his true colors.

 

 

If she's leaving you, then tell her the door is right behind her. BYE!!! DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME!!!! PERIOD!!! She wants to leave, then let her leave! YOU STAY PUT! If she leaves that only helps you in court. To the court, it looks like she abandoned the home. If you want to sell and move away, you can do that AFTER the divorce. But, wait until the divorce happens, then move.

 

 

Take care of yourself and your son. Your son is old enough to know what's going on. If he asks, be honest with him. But, try to do it in the softest way possible. Because, at the end of the day, that's still his mom. But, be honest with him. Chances are, he'll probably want to stay with you.

[hoddenxg]

Do you think she's in that state on here you call affair fog? I think so, as she does seem to have some regrets about it sometimes, other times she doesn't. She even said she's not sure about wanting to leave

When reality hits them hard, and do you think it will? - won't she be dealing things like dirty underwear, bills, budgeting, food shopping etc. - right now to her she seems to just think its candlelit dinners, sexy lingerie and nights out.

 

I work hard to give her and my son a good life, and to be honest, I do, or did, love her, she never gave me reason to worry before.

 

I'm in two minds ; should I try and get her to end it, or divorce her?

 

I've read on here other tales of people in a similar situation - found this site via google; someone on here called Owl seems to post his advice on this situation, I'm surprised he hasn't read this yet... but from what I hear, he's regular to this part of the site.

 

I'll be honest.... this has caused me to over-eat as a coping mechanism.

[harrybrown]

Did you ask her if she has stds?

 

I like the advice about the 180 and exposing her affair.

 

you are hurting, but this is war. Tell your son and everyone what she is doing.

 

Keep your evidence out of your home so she can not destroy it.

 

Keep the VAR on you for protection.

 

Go into his business and in a loud voice, tell him that your wife did not like the salami sandwich.

[drifter777]

You emotions are all over the place right now and you can't trust your own judgement at this time. Do call a lawyer for advice. Do continue to vent here or any other safe place. Do sleep in another room to keep your wife from trying to manipulate and gas-light you with sex. Most importantly, find a counselor ASAP. Find a way to afford it and carve out the time. You need an experienced professional to help guide you through all the emotional land-mines you are stepping on now and the ones that await you in the future. Try to slow your brain down. If you focus on your own recovery you will be much better equipped to handle all the sh*t ahead of you.

[Chi townD]

Harry brings up a very good point. You need to carry a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) on you at all times. She might want you to move out. I've already told you to stay put. But, if you won't leave on your own, then she can force you out. She could goat you into an argument, then she's on the phone with the cops saying that "She does feel safe with you there." Then, the police are going to tell you to leave. Then, the next day she'll be at the Courthouse getting a restraining order out on you and it will be easy because there's a police report. BELIEVE THIS! This scenario may sound far fetched, but it has happened.

 

Therefore, you carry that recorder on you at ALL TIMES! DO not have her start an argument with you. If she tries, just leave the room.

[Man Mountain Makino]

She admitted to me she's in two minds; she loves both me and him but can't decide who to go for, she says we both have things about each other that appeal to different sides of her.

I have a firm policy in situations like that, and you may want to consider it.

 

If you can't make up your mind, I'll make it up for you. Get lost.

 

Works wonders. Good luck, bro.

[No Limit]

The first reaction your wife gave you when addressing the affair was staying by HIS side instead of yours? Well, no need for reconciliation then.

 

And don't worry about their future, 'cause there won't be any. She's in the affair fog and will be there for quite some time, so forget about her.

How your son handles it will be in his power, with 14 years it's still hard but he's old enough to make a picture of the situation by himself. Maybe he'll also rather stay with you than his mom and her new guy (as I'm expecting to be honest).

 

Good luck during the divorce, don't let her take too much in case she wants to fight.

 

Oh, and don't believe in this "I don't know I love both of you" crap. She's just trying to bait you to secure you as her backup plan.

[Man Mountain Makino]

Oh, and don't believe in this "I don't know I love both of you" crap. She's just trying to bait you to secure you as her backup plan.

I agree. It's a thing people do to keep someone between "doubt" and "hope." And that's a crappy place to be.