No Limit Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 I agree. It's a thing people do to keep someone between "doubt" and "hope." And that's a crappy place to be. Even sadder to think that this technique works successfully on many people. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 When she came in from work that day, about 6:30pm, I showed her the message, and rather than try to deny it, she said "I'm leaving you for him, you're bland, obese, dull, you dropped a bomb last night, you wear my cami tops and lingerie, you smoke." - all of which are nonsense. . Any idea why she would think this?? Seems kind of unusual... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheWalkingMan Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Yes that is weird, I am also curious about what "you dropped a bomb last night" means? Did you reveal something to her? I'm confused. She also more or less called you an obese cross dresser, which seem like VERY strange claims to make against someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Any idea why she would think this?? Seems kind of unusual... I am with you on that... you dropped a bomb last night, you wear my cami tops and lingerie, you smoke. There is no excuse for what she did... OP you decided to get very specific in writing what she said, given that you could have "omitted" Do you mean nonsense as in fabricated? Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Considering the boss is the OM, I like the idea of having her served at work...at lunch hour...on the grounds of adultery if it is possible in your state. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Your son is 14 so I feel he is more then old enough to handle a divorce. It's usually harder for younger kids to understand in some ways. I still do not think children are ever a good reason to stay married. You did not marry your children, but your spouse..and they broke that contract by stepping out. Divorce is only going to truly be traumatic if it is handled poorly. Some might say give your wife a second chance if she decides she does want you, but remember that she already had her second chance. There is always emotion involved when a person cheats. Even if there are no romantic feelings, lust is an emotion..and the moment that lust becomes so great a person seriously considers cheating? That is an emotional affair right there. So right then and there the person has a second chance to stop it before it goes too far, but if they then also get physical with this person, that is their 2nd chance gone. They had the option to minimize damage, but chose not to, so you need to move on. I can't figure out if the "him" in this means her son or the other man. If the latter..well, if she loves this other guy she definitely doesn't love her husband. Granted given her behavior I don't think she loves the husband either way. The other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) 1. Read about the 180. Start practising it. 2. See a lawyer and file for divorce. Have her served on her job site is it's possible. 3. Expose the A to the OM's gf/W if he has any. 4. Tell your wife's parents why you are divorcing her. This will prevent her from coming up with a ridiculous story about how you're to blame. 5. Go ahead and file. On a side note, the guy is Indian. I'm not sure how many of you have had Indian friends but trust me, they're often very traditional and infidelity is a very big thing in the Sub-Continent, punishable by jail time. I'm sure that most of my Indian friends will agree that chances are that he isn't in it for the long run and will not commit to your wife. I'm trying to find the right words while not sounding politically incorrect, but there's this cultural thing you should consider. In India, cheating women are seen as, well you get the general idea*, and are not deemed 'worthy' for commitment, especially if he's religious- this is not me but just my impression from having travelled to that part of the world. Even if he is 'westernised', it's likely that he's just in it for a short term fling. If he does dump her, are you willing to take her back, considering the fact that you're her back up plan and she basically dumped you? Edited May 9, 2014 by Scott Thomas 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hoddenxg Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 Yes that is weird, I am also curious about what "you dropped a bomb last night" means? Did you reveal something to her? I'm confused. She also more or less called you an obese cross dresser, which seem like VERY strange claims to make against someone. She means this, which was mentioned on here: Ever been in the bathroom when he's "dropped a bomb"? Ever had to sit down for four hours in one evening to work out a new budget and agree on where to spend less because the two of you don't make the same amount of money that you did the past month? That's what I was referring to, it was mentioned in another thread on here, those exact words. As for the guy, well, I found out he's Canadian as well, and has dual US-Canadian citizenship, and often travels across into Canada to see his family, my wife told me this. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 OMG... i can't believe some of the advise being given. you have lost a battle - Marriage, do you want to lose the war as well!!! (visitation rights). voice activated recorder ---- many states it is illegal to record without consent. seriously go into a child custody hearing with an illegal recording and the other attorney will crucify you. AND you can not portray her as the wicked witch if you 'serve during lunch' / 'demand her to leave' / 'tell her parents, friends, etc'. you never mentioned the state of residence: if you are in 'blue' state: you should expect 'weekend dad' AND child support payments. the first, second and third thing you should do is talk with an attorney. then follow their advise. good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 You've gotten a lot of advice. What do you plan on doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hoddenxg Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 I'm in St. Paul, MN, one of the Twin Cities. It's the emotional part which is troubling me; she's been a good wife, a great lover, our son is a good kid, it feels like it could crash down at any moment. She said to me she only had sex with him because he did things I wouldnt or couldnt do. It seems so out of character for her, she never used to cheat, she was loyal and kind. I don't understand why she kept saying I wear her cami tops and lingerie, she won't explain why. She ranted at me again this morning, saying I wear her cami tops and lingerie - wtf?? - and said I'm obese and then spat at our 14-year-old son just because he got 1 mark less than before on his geography assignment - it was a good mark, nonetheless, but she wasn't satisfied. I don't understand what's going on with her. She doesn't seem to know what to do or where to be. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 You've gotten a lot of advice. What do you plan on doing? The question begs repeating. Your wife is having an affair with another man. What do you plan on doing about it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Do you want to fight for the marriage or get divorced? If you read what he typed - she didn't give him the options. The decision was made by her. Fighting for any M when one is already set to divorce is just - wasted time and energy. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I'm in St. Paul, MN, one of the Twin Cities. It's the emotional part which is troubling me; she's been a good wife, a great lover, our son is a good kid, it feels like it could crash down at any moment. She said to me she only had sex with him because he did things I wouldnt or couldnt do. It seems so out of character for her, she never used to cheat, she was loyal and kind. I don't understand why she kept saying I wear her cami tops and lingerie, she won't explain why. She ranted at me again this morning, saying I wear her cami tops and lingerie - wtf?? - and said I'm obese and then spat at our 14-year-old son just because he got 1 mark less than before on his geography assignment - it was a good mark, nonetheless, but she wasn't satisfied. I don't understand what's going on with her. She doesn't seem to know what to do or where to be. Don't hesitate calling the police when she's unreasonable again. Spitting on your child is COMPLETELY unacceptable! Remove her from the house today to avoid further chaos to your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Take your child and leave. Find a place to stay and start the divorce and ask for a temporary custody order. I would sight how she treats your child in the papers. I would not communicate with her at all. If someone in the family calls you I would just let them know your both doing find and apprise them of the betrayal and treatment of your child. Let her think about that for a while. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
revelations Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I would run as far and as fast as I could away from her. Run my friend, run. Run like you are trying to break the 4 minute mile. Run like Mexican water through a first time tourist, but the key word is run. Talk with a lawyer like so many others have suggested and get that divorce started now. However get that divorce. If she decides that she wants to stay with you, work with her on that. Try and keep her as happy as possible. Let her know that you need the divorce to feel better about yourself. Tell her that you two can remarry later on. Anything just get that divorce. If you want to stay with her and fight for your marriage that is on you. I understand that it can be hard to leave someone you have been in love with for so long. However I suggest reading some of the other threads on here and see what BH's go through even when they R successfully. You may be okay with that, to me they are just not worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Something makes me think she didn't literally spit on the child. I think he's saying that she scolded the child excessively. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I'm in St. Paul, MN, one of the Twin Cities. It's the emotional part which is troubling me; she's been a good wife, a great lover, our son is a good kid, it feels like it could crash down at any moment. She said to me she only had sex with him because he did things I wouldnt or couldnt do. It seems so out of character for her, she never used to cheat, she was loyal and kind. I don't understand why she kept saying I wear her cami tops and lingerie, she won't explain why. She ranted at me again this morning, saying I wear her cami tops and lingerie - wtf?? - and said I'm obese and then spat at our 14-year-old son just because he got 1 mark less than before on his geography assignment - it was a good mark, nonetheless, but she wasn't satisfied. I don't understand what's going on with her. She doesn't seem to know what to do or where to be. I have doubts as to whether you are posting the truth or just playing with us. Feels like you are playing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 Dude, I bet even in your city are hotels. Get away from your wife and find a new place, quickly! Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 If you want your wife back. YOU HAVE TO KICK HER OUT. She has to panic. She has to see you being STRONG. You cannot waiver, you cannot beg her, you cannot let her see weakness. If you "try and work it out" she will be eating cake until she figures out a way to leave. If you kick her out she will feel the real consequences. You do not have to make her leave if she begs and pleads with you right then and there. If she begs you make her quit her job and do a no contact call on the spot with you there. I bet if you stand your ground she will do just these things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 Oh and if you haven't yet CALL HER FAMILY and tell them. People are easily swayed by pressure. Most parents would be disgusted by this. If you ont know what to say just call and ask if WW can move back home an tell them why Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 If you read what he typed - she didn't give him the options. The decision was made by her. Fighting for any M when one is already set to divorce is just - wasted time and energy. He has the option to fight or divorce. He is still babbling here without stating his intentions. He is just ranting. Ranting never gets the job done. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 She has mentioned she isn't sure if she wants to leave. This means she DOESNT really want to leave, she just wants to eat cake. Or maybe she wants to hear him beg for her. The answer is the scorched earth method. If that doesn't work she was gone anyway. He needs needs needs to tell her get out and I will have the papers drawn up next week. It will scare her straight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 You certainly can. Treating people the way they deserve to be treated is never wrong. His exposing her won't suddenly turn her into some helpless victim here. ... WS: "my H has been mentally abusing me for years. Just yesterday he said [i was fat/ugly/lazy]." This will boomerang faster than presenting VAR to a judge. Link to post Share on other sites
10thengineerharrison Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Do you think she's in that state on here you call affair fog? The fog is a myth, nothing more. Cheating is about character. Think about it. I think so, as she does seem to have some regrets about it sometimes, other times she doesn't. She even said she's not sure about wanting to leave When reality hits them hard, and do you think it will? - won't she be dealing things like dirty underwear, bills, budgeting, food shopping etc. - right now to her she seems to just think its candlelit dinners, sexy lingerie and nights out. While you're ruminating (in your own "fog") about what she's thinking and whether she's having regrets, she's married to you and having an affair with her boss. You should give her the choice to stay home and work on the marriage - which will simultaneously require her to quit her job and convince you that she will never have contact with the OM again, for life; or, she keeps her job, continues her affair, but does so with the divorce in process and her living elsewhere. There is no gray area in between. No "third option." I work hard to give her and my son a good life, and to be honest, I do, or did, love her, she never gave me reason to worry before. I'm in two minds ; should I try and get her to end it, or divorce her? Whatever you decide, you need to act yesterday! I've read on here other tales of people in a similar situation - found this site via google; someone on here called Owl seems to post his advice on this situation, I'm surprised he hasn't read this yet... but from what I hear, he's regular to this part of the site. I'll be honest.... this has caused me to over-eat as a coping mechanism. Most people go on "the Infidelity Diet" after d-day. I did. I couldn't calm down for years. -10th Engineer Harrison Link to post Share on other sites
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