25 years and out?

[Tallan]

Oh wow.

I'm brand new to this forum and only stumbled across the loveshack site today whilst browsing the Internet for some insight into my problems (something I've turned to for far too many years, trivial or dire ).

Crossroads66, your story hits home on so many levels.

can I share my story with you?

 

I'm 46 and met my AP about 9 months ago. I never considered it more then a affair, and I've had a few of those in the past (one night to never see again). But this woman....wow.

My wife and I married via pressure from my parents when I was 22. And I knew that she wasn't the person who I imagined spending the rest of my life with. But she was God loving, good ,all around American girl. Did I love her.....not the way movies and books portray love, but I cared for her. So marriage is what I committed to (I say that half heartily ) and 4 children, two successful careers and a beautiful home are the result.

Outside looking in, I have it all. Inside my head I am screaming. Day to day is back in forth passive aggressive living With an pleasing and comforting aesthetic. But that feels like it.

I'm not happy, I haven't felt real happiness since childhood. And my AP, she brings out the happiness, she makes me feel lighthearted and comfortable. I can share my thoughts and not feel on edge that some snappy judgemental comment is lurking, or worse still, a blank reaponse.

But I just don't know what to do. I want to be honest with my wife, she must, after all these years she feel it too. Discussions aren't usually received openly, so history has repeated offenses of "keep your mouth shut and smile, then this will all be over sooner".

The AP gives me hope that there is a different life to live just by being present, she hasn't even asked me to leave, but I can see that is what she wants. And we talk about our future, when we do, I become so excited and I can see those feelings in her eyes too...it's just a connection.

But how do I do this, my wife won't want to give up her lifestyle, she is petrified of change and I know she will throw this all back on me, although probably rightly so. You said that after 5 months your wife still wants you back, is that because she genuinely wants the you, or the things and lifestyle that come with the you. That's all I feel I am. Aside from being a (I hope) good father. although not quite viewed so through my past and current actions. But I justify it, psychopathic as it sounds. Apart from the AP who I've fallen in love with, I had affairs out of unhappiness, I had affairs as a release from reality. ****t,y awful, gut wrenching reality.

I guess what I want to know is, how do you leave? How do you say the words?

[beach]

Oh wow.

I'm brand new to this forum and only stumbled across the loveshack site today whilst browsing the Internet for some insight into my problems (something I've turned to for far too many years, trivial or dire ).

Crossroads66, your story hits home on so many levels.

can I share my story with you?

 

I'm 46 and met my AP about 9 months ago. I never considered it more then a affair, and I've had a few of those in the past (one night to never see again). But this woman....wow.

My wife and I married via pressure from my parents when I was 22. And I knew that she wasn't the person who I imagined spending the rest of my life with. But she was God loving, good ,all around American girl. Did I love her.....not the way movies and books portray love, but I cared for her. So marriage is what I committed to (I say that half heartily ) and 4 children, two successful careers and a beautiful home are the result.

Outside looking in, I have it all. Inside my head I am screaming. Day to day is back in forth passive aggressive living With an pleasing and comforting aesthetic. But that feels like it.

I'm not happy, I haven't felt real happiness since childhood. And my AP, she brings out the happiness, she makes me feel lighthearted and comfortable. I can share my thoughts and not feel on edge that some snappy judgemental comment is lurking, or worse still, a blank reaponse.

But I just don't know what to do. I want to be honest with my wife, she must, after all these years she feel it too. Discussions aren't usually received openly, so history has repeated offenses of "keep your mouth shut and smile, then this will all be over sooner".

The AP gives me hope that there is a different life to live just by being present, she hasn't even asked me to leave, but I can see that is what she wants. And we talk about our future, when we do, I become so excited and I can see those feelings in her eyes too...it's just a connection.

But how do I do this, my wife won't want to give up her lifestyle, she is petrified of change and I know she will throw this all back on me, although probably rightly so. You said that after 5 months your wife still wants you back, is that because she genuinely wants the you, or the things and lifestyle that come with the you. That's all I feel I am. Aside from being a (I hope) good father. although not quite viewed so through my past and current actions. But I justify it, psychopathic as it sounds. Apart from the AP who I've fallen in love with, I had affairs out of unhappiness, I had affairs as a release from reality. ****t,y awful, gut wrenching reality.

I guess what I want to know is, how do you leave? How do you say the words?

 

You say it honestly... "The marriage is over".

 

It's as simple as that. Making it any more complicated is just sugar coating a crappy situation.

 

Marriage takes honesty. You've not offered that by the way you participated in the M so how could it have been good? It couldn't.

 

Your wife will be fine - do her a favor and be honest. You're not in the M so why not get out?

 

 

Oops, sorry - I forgot this isn't the original poster.

 

It may be best to start your own thread.

Edited February 4, 2015 by beach

[Tallan]

The words look and spell this fact out Beach.

But reality is, like Crossroads66 has stated in his thread, it is a situation that needs responsibility, my W will not play a part in this . But which action is best for my family. To see the horror that comes with a divorce from infidelity!? Or to live in a way that doesn't hurt everyone around me! But ultimately be hurting myself.

Which option is the more selfish?

[Ralph79]

Oh wow.

I'm brand new to this forum and only stumbled across the loveshack site today whilst browsing the Internet for some insight into my problems (something I've turned to for far too many years, trivial or dire ).

Crossroads66, your story hits home on so many levels.

can I share my story with you?

 

I'm 46 and met my AP about 9 months ago. I never considered it more then a affair, and I've had a few of those in the past (one night to never see again). But this woman....wow.

My wife and I married via pressure from my parents when I was 22. And I knew that she wasn't the person who I imagined spending the rest of my life with. But she was God loving, good ,all around American girl. Did I love her.....not the way movies and books portray love, but I cared for her. So marriage is what I committed to (I say that half heartily ) and 4 children, two successful careers and a beautiful home are the result.

Outside looking in, I have it all. Inside my head I am screaming. Day to day is back in forth passive aggressive living With an pleasing and comforting aesthetic. But that feels like it.

I'm not happy, I haven't felt real happiness since childhood. And my AP, she brings out the happiness, she makes me feel lighthearted and comfortable. I can share my thoughts and not feel on edge that some snappy judgemental comment is lurking, or worse still, a blank reaponse.

But I just don't know what to do. I want to be honest with my wife, she must, after all these years she feel it too. Discussions aren't usually received openly, so history has repeated offenses of "keep your mouth shut and smile, then this will all be over sooner".

The AP gives me hope that there is a different life to live just by being present, she hasn't even asked me to leave, but I can see that is what she wants. And we talk about our future, when we do, I become so excited and I can see those feelings in her eyes too...it's just a connection.

But how do I do this, my wife won't want to give up her lifestyle, she is petrified of change and I know she will throw this all back on me, although probably rightly so. You said that after 5 months your wife still wants you back, is that because she genuinely wants the you, or the things and lifestyle that come with the you. That's all I feel I am. Aside from being a (I hope) good father. although not quite viewed so through my past and current actions. But I justify it, psychopathic as it sounds. Apart from the AP who I've fallen in love with, I had affairs out of unhappiness, I had affairs as a release from reality. ****t,y awful, gut wrenching reality.

I guess what I want to know is, how do you leave? How do you say the words?

 

I've highlighted the points I'm going to focus on from your own words.

 

1. "I never considered it more then a affair, and I've had a few of those in the past" AND "I want to be honest with my wife"

You've been lying to her for years and had FOUR children. You could have stopped at ONE if you were so unhappy with her. Honesty is something you've avoided since you married here as you stated. What is your wife to you anyway?

 

2. "I'm not happy, I haven't felt real happiness since childhood." AND "my AP, she brings out the happiness".

I've learned that making someone a requirement for you to be happy is always disastrous. Sometimes your spouse makes you miserable and love dies. But you've stated you married her unconvinced and that you've been unhappy the majority of your life, even before marriage. This is not your wife's fault. You have problems. And Miss AP is NOT going to solve them for you. If you aren't happy from within then you are just going to turn AP into Wife 2.0 given time, because you are a self-proclaimed miserable person when the AP is not around.

 

3. " is that because she genuinely wants the you, or the things and lifestyle that come with the you. That's all I feel I am."

Of course you'll feel that way. You have never been emotionally invested in your marriage. What can she provide you if you're not IN-LOVE with her? You don't respect her, but she did provide you with 4 children who make you proud as a father. You made yourself a walking lifestyle provider in your household by signing off from your marriage emotionally. What else is left but to provide?

 

4. "I had affairs out of unhappiness, I had affairs as a release from reality. ****t,y awful, gut wrenching reality."

If life is so horrible, then why make it worse? Why have 4 kids? Why stay married? Why bother finding relief in the embrace of other women's legs when at the end of the day you keep going back to your tormenting life?

 

Lastly to answer your Q:

 

"To see the horror that comes with a divorce from infidelity!? Or to live in a way that doesn't hurt everyone around me! But ultimately be hurting myself.

Which option is the more selfish?"

 

As much as I hate answering a question with another question, I can't think of anything better:

 

Which is better. Living with gangrene on a limb, knowing that if it stays it's going to infect the rest of your body and kill you. Or amputating it and saving your life living as a cripple? They're both horrible, but there's always a clear choice we all have to make sooner or later. (Yes, the sooner the better).

 

At least gangrene has the decency to let its victim know it's there, so that the Victim can make a choice in time.

[Tallan]

Thank you Ralph.

 

Your opinions, although blunt, are very true and are things I have thought about over and over. But the fact is, I've spoken to my W (Friday night) about not being happy and separating. It was met with dramatics and screaming (which I constantly try to avoid). Our communication is either shallow or hostile. The end of the conversation, as always was "you will not leave me". Case closed.....Next day, was like nothing had happened...Lord, I want to leave, I want something real with my AP. But I also don't want to hurt everyone especially my children. I feel like at this point, if I confessed and left, World War Three would be activated.

 

That's why I posted in Crossroads66's thread, I really want to seek advice from someone who will understand this struggle. The answers that seems so simple aren't always best to follow.

[Tayla]

Ralph, made such valid points.

 

In what ways did you try to bring happiness into your marriage ?

How long have you been stepping out? Are you capable of being single without being involved in a relationship? When a marriage is over , its over .

Stay clear of the AP til you can prove you are leaving the marraige due to the level of damage and not because you have a lady in waitng....

[beach]

Thanks for your thoughts and brilliant insightful post 81West. You can add to your list of competing principles "being a good Christian". I am one (albeit not a good one). The bible is not exactly a resounding proponent of divorce. But then living an honest life is a strong Christian principle also.

 

What? Then why not begin changing your behavior to match what you say you believe in (Christianity)?

 

This is up to you to determine whether it not you are proud of your actions. You can change you/yourself.

 

 

And since you know you're not leaving your wife - why not try being a better husband/Christian?

[Ralph79]

Thank you Ralph.

 

Your opinions, although blunt, are very true and are things I have thought about over and over. But the fact is, I've spoken to my W (Friday night) about not being happy and separating. It was met with dramatics and screaming (which I constantly try to avoid). Our communication is either shallow or hostile. The end of the conversation, as always was "you will not leave me". Case closed.....Next day, was like nothing had happened...Lord, I want to leave, I want something real with my AP. But I also don't want to hurt everyone especially my children. I feel like at this point, if I confessed and left, World War Three would be activated.

 

That's why I posted in Crossroads66's thread, I really want to seek advice from someone who will understand this struggle. The answers that seems so simple aren't always best to follow.

 

Look, if you've already determined you are unable to be happy in your marriage then talk to your wife and take accountability for your actions. Pay whatever price you need to pay to end your marriage. But be fair. This is the woman who has stood by you through thick and thin. Sometimes BS like your wife and myself become obsessed with the notion of keeping a marriage together at all costs and in the end you will end up doing her a favor by leaving as long as you pay the proper price. Even if it's against her wishes.

 

Now, this is for you. I'm going to repeat something I said on another thread:

 

I've found that two "whole" people who share happiness symbiotically enjoy the best and most stable relationships. I was guilty of "needing" my eXwife to be happy. I will not make that mistake again. Happiness is something all spouses should bring to the table on their own accord.

 

If you aren't a happy person on your own accord, you will find it difficulty sustaining a "real" relationship with the AP person in the future.

 

I agree 1000% with what @Tayla said

 

Don't leave the marriage to jump into the AP's arms. Give yourself a window of time. Several months at least. Fill that void that's caused you misery all your life on your own. And who knows, you might be surprised at the decisions you might make once you're fully healthy. You deserve this. Your wife deserves this. The AP deserves this.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

Your opinions, although blunt, are very true and are things I have thought about over and over. But the fact is, I've spoken to my W (Friday night) about not being happy and separating. It was met with dramatics and screaming (which I constantly try to avoid). Our communication is either shallow or hostile. The end of the conversation, as always was "you will not leave me". Case closed.....Next day, was like nothing had happened...Lord, I want to leave, I want something real with my AP.

 

I'm curious as to how you wife keeps you there ? Are you locked in the basement? Handcuffed to a chair? Shackled to the wall?

 

My fiend, man up and have the courage of your convictions. If marriage and family are important to you, commit to both and quit sleeping around. If your personal happiness is central to your being, leave and do that which feels right.

 

One measurement of our lives is the manner we treat those around us. Right now, no passing grade for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[81West]

I think the selfless vs. selfish and protective vs. destructive dualities that often seem implied in the casting of the staying or leaving are oversimplified. Everybody in the situation loses everything that would have come from the path not chosen, both good and bad.