Abuse and Being the Other Woman

[MissBee]

In the past, as well as most recently on here (hence it inspired this post), I've seen several OW express that they've previously been in abusive relationships before MM and sometimes it's expressed in terms that almost say, well compared to my abusive partner, he is wonderful and a better deal. As I'm typing this I'm remembering more and more OW, some who don't post as often anymore who've expressed this, or who have revealed previous abusive spouses or partners.

 

I have to be honest and say that I do think that when one has been in an abusive relationship(s) it takes a while for your man-picker to fix itself, it's not an overnight miracle that you jump from abuse to healthy....so it makes perfect sense to me that from abuse to affair seems like a "better" step or "step up" and why MM say seem like a drink of water compared to that. It seems like sometimes it's a stepping stone...and also self-protection where it makes sense if you've been hurt and abused, a MM is "safer" as you're not stepping into a full relationship. I understand this.

 

I'm curious about how many current or former OW were in abusive relationships before (whether directly or any time prior) to the A and if any of this rings true for you?

[forbidden_love]

My father abused me, does that count? Physically and emotionally. Weirdly enough I only started to realise how much or even think about, it once I saw what MM was like with his kids. He is a great father but is that a result of having a bad marriage where he diverted his love and attention to them until he met me? I wonder.... My mother let the abuse happen then she abused me emotionally even now she does that. I love intensely and passionately. Not everyone of course, but when I am in love, it lasts. I love my kids passionately and hug and kiss them.. which reminds me I must do that tonight. Now MM is devoting his attention to his grandchild in the same obsessive manner. It is a diversion for him to his marriage and it would appear .... me at the moment.

[Radu]

In the past, as well as most recently on here (hence it inspired this post), I've seen several OW express that they've previously been in abusive relationships before MM and sometimes it's expressed in terms that almost say, well compared to my abusive partner, he is wonderful and a better deal. As I'm typing this I'm remembering more and more OW, some who don't post as often anymore who've expressed this, or who have revealed previous abusive spouses or partners.

 

I have to be honest and say that I do think that when one has been in an abusive relationship(s) it takes a while for your man-picker to fix itself, it's not an overnight miracle that you jump from abuse to healthy....so it makes perfect sense to me that from abuse to affair seems like a "better" step or "step up" and why MM say seem like a drink of water compared to that. It seems like sometimes it's a stepping stone...and also self-protection where it makes sense if you've been hurt and abused, a MM is "safer" as you're not stepping into a full relationship. I understand this.

 

I'm curious about how many current or former OW were in abusive relationships before (whether directly or any time prior) to the A and if any of this rings true for you?

 

I'm not, have never been and i really don't think i'll ever be an OW.

However, i had abusive relationships with some women before, and yes ... it takes a while for your ppl-picker to fix itself.

 

It can only fix itself if you fix yourself, which means figuring out why you seek these ppl and enforcing stronger boundaries through sheer force of will.

[Lady2163]

When I was 16 I was seduced and groomed by a MM who was 20+ years older than I was. He was very abusive and neglectful and the whole grooming process did damage. At 16 I had the maturity of today's 12 year olds. It was statutory rape.

My picker was off probably until my mid 30s. I had a lot of relationships with MM from age 16 to 23-24. Then I took a 15 year or so break. About the time I got my picker honed and started turning men away and not settling I reconnected with a former MM from my late teens early 20s. We clicked. I've just ended a 7 year PA, but we are able to talk and things are still friemdly.

I'm not ready to see him, I don't want to have that temptation.