when there's love and everything else, but no "connection"

[Nyanchama]

I have been wrestling with this same problem for 2 years and I am not sure what to do. I have a fantastic fiance. He is supportive, a good friend, a good listener, would do anything for me, and is the epitomy of "safe and secure". He shows me he loves me by doing things for me and taking care of things for me. Nobody has ever been nicer to me. He never gives me any problems and we never argue, because there's really no reason to.

 

It's just that I don't really feel like we relate. He accepts me and supports me, and I accept and support him, and everything is always fine, but I feel distant and empty. We hardly have sex. I am a very passionate person but I don't really feel passionate with him. We've never really connected emotionally or physically. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just brushes everything away and tells me I have unrealistic expectations. He has tried to respond to me and be a bit more romantic but it's just not really in him.

 

I know that part of this is that even after we had gotten engaged, 6 months ago, I asked him if he was in love with me because I felt like that "magic" had never really been there, even from day 1, and he told me he didn't know what being in love meant. I was really hurt by that, and a few months later told him how I didn't think I could marry someone who wasn't in love with me, and since then he's been the one who's been more needy in the relationship instead of me, and he's been acting differently than how I thought he was, putting a lot more effort into the relationship, and telling me how lucky he feels to be with me. The fact is, it would be a lot to lose.

 

I just don't want to get married and have these thoughts for the rest of my life. I also worry that it makes me at a high risk for an affair in the future. I feel like I have another life inside my head that keeps me distant. I don't like bringing it up too often because it's not anything he can do anything about, we're just very different people. I do love him and I don't want to hurt him because he's always been so good to me, and it seems like I'm being stupid.

 

For a few months at a time, these thoughts go away and I can just be in the present, but they seem to keep coming back. This lack of "connection" is something I noticed in the beginning but we just got along so well, which we still do. He has a very calming influence on me.

 

I used to be in a few passioinately intense relationships which also had their share of ugly arguments. I miss the pieces of myself that I feel are dormant, but don't miss the arguments. I feel like the same things that make him so stable and our home life so calm and secure are things I could not find in a passionate relationship. I do feel very thankful that he treats me so well. I just am not sure if I should get married to someone who I'm not in love with. This internal conflict brings me a lot of sadness and feelings of guilt. I wish I could just be happy with someone who's so great.

[Mr Spock]

You don't have a fiancee, you have father....

 

 

EWWWWWWWWWWWWW

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Nyanchama

I just am not sure if I should get married to someone who I'm not in love with.

 

NEVER marry someone that you aren't sure about. It's true that when the right one comes along....you just know it!

 

It becomes less of a question of if you should marry, and more of when and [/where].

[joeymas]

- I have a fantastic fiance. He is supportive, a good friend, a good listener, would do anything for me, and is the epitomy of "safe and secure". He shows me he loves me by doing things for me and taking care of things for me. Nobody has ever been nicer to me. He never gives me any problems and we never argue, because there's really no reason to.

 

 

- We've never really connected emotionally or physically. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just brushes everything away and tells me I have unrealistic expectations.

 

??????????

 

 

He may be the perfect guy but maybe arrived too soon. It seems as though you were having soooo much fun looking for him you are actually disappointed you found him.

 

I think you need to take a short vacation - alone - and make a decision.

[moimeme]

and he told me he didn't know what being in love meant

 

You're not about to marry Prince Charles, are you?

 

Have a read of <removed> You might be able to create a connection. If it doesn't work, then you probably will need to end it. You do need to feel like you're a pair, couple, bonded, etc. to really make a relationship work.

[Thinkalot]

I can see why you feel so torn. But marriage is for life, and you do need to feel like you are with someone who is your buddy in all things, who you can relate to etc.

 

At the same time, I am in a relationship which has a lot of passion and intensity. It also has a LOT of arguments and volatility, and the calmness you speak of is something we could do with more of

 

good luck in your decision with this.

[SoleMate]

Please see <URL removed> . It will explain the intimate emotional needs that each person, which should be fulfilled by their marriage partner. You will see that it is a mistake to marry someone when you feel this "disconnected". It's possible that your fiance can learn to meet your needs for affection and sexual passion, but he has to want to.

 

You're quite right, if your doubts are this serious, you should not be getting married right now. Perhaps you two WOULD be good together - but not until you have both learned to meet each other's needs.

[pushing tin]

Nyanchama,

Your fiance, and my wife should be in a relationship together. I have the same story that you have, with one exception: I married her when I had the doubts, because I thought it was the right thing to do. I knew the "passion" was low, but the caring, stable stuff that you talk about, and how she has a calming and empowering presence over me was what dominated my decision to marry her.

 

long story short, I had an affair. I still battle (almost daily) how I want the passion, and for someone to love me with intensity, but truthfully...it is my definition of love that is screwed up. I realize now that I don't have to be in a relationship that is tumultuous, and like a roller coaster to be loving. love is an action, and not always a romantic feeling.

 

all that said, i find that that feeling i crave....is a vicious spiral, that never is what i want, and is usually an illusion anyway. like you said, i miss the part of myself that is now dormant...that seems to make me feel so powerful, but i know that i can't have it without having the crazy arguments and insanity.

 

i have concluded that there are two basic types of relatoinships: 1) one that is selfless, stable and caring, compatible (as if perfect business partners), respectful, and loyal, and 2) one that has very little caring, is highly selfish (taking instead of giving), but extremely passionate, addictive, and memorable.

 

they can never be combined, and no one person will ever be both. so you have a choice...stay in the relationship, work hard to build upon the good qualities.....or get out, and get a passoinate lover that will rip your heart apart and play power games with you.... or have an affair after marrying your F, and have constant guilt and regret, and almost lose everything that you have as a family.

[guest]

i'm in a similar situation as the original poster and it's something that i struggle with also. it's a great relationship but is it "the one" that i'm supposed to marry? i go back and forth all the time. i've been in a much deeper, emotionally and physically, relationship before and i would prefer my current relationship any day of the week. i would much rather have someone who is dependable and honest and be in a relationship where there isnt constant drama. and it seems to me there are so many marriages that start out and are based on this strong passion but it dies eventually and then there's a sense of loss and divorce which is so prevelent.

[Debster]

I know it's a cliche, but when it is right, you just know. Believe me I always thought people who said that were idiots and full of crap - but then it happened to me and I'm a believer.

 

Marriage is not easy. You need to be with someone who you can communicate with, are attracted to and are compatible with etc.. But the key is you need to also have that spark. Now, don't go expecting wild, passionate, curling toes sex all the time, but sometimes I just look at my husband and I feel this 'tug' on my heart.

 

If in doubt, get out of the engagement.

[krbshappy71]

Two people wrote a suggestion to read <something> and the moderator took it out?? I want to know what they suggest to read!! Fine, it was an external url, so? Can someone please at least tell me what to google to find this suggested reading? This is really sad if we can no longer point people in the right direction when they ask for help.

[moimeme]

There is a marriage counsellor and author whose name is Steve Harley. I just googled Steve Harley marriage and it was the first link. And if they delete this, I will definitely sulk and pout. Harley does offer some commercial services but there is a TON of free information at that site and folks besides me seem to think it's pretty good stuff.

[krbshappy71]

Thank you, moi, I appreciate you checking back and replying. I'll jot down that name and search for it.