A simple question for WS

[nightmare01]

A BH here.

 

One question that nags me to this day, 13 years after Dday, is WHY my WW chose to stay with me?

 

She has a long term affair. It was romantic. She and her OM professed true love for each other. They felt their relationship was a real one, not just a part time thing where they only saw the best sides of each other.

 

Then something happened. I dont know what. But my WW dropped her OM like a hot coal. She thought her LTA would be a deal breaker and thought I would D her. She was surprised when I wanted to R.

 

So for those of you who were in a LTA. A true LONG term affair. There must have been feeling involved for each other. So why arent you with your OP?

 

If you loved your OP why did you decide to stay with your BS?

 

You will get no flaming or hurt feelings from me. All I want is the truth. Even if its painful.

 

thanx

[snappytomcat]

ive wondered the same as my fwh,was in a long distance 3 year affair,and on dday he dropped like a hot potatoe,I never understood how when they professed their love to each other,and murdered my soul in the process,he says he never wanted to lose me,and when that reality hit,he panicked and was on damage control.

looking forward to reading the reponses

[purplesorrow]

My WH wants so badly to stay. I can't understand why. I feel like he absolutely knew he was destroying us. He dropped on dday and never looked back. I still can't make peace with it so I can't stay.

[Realist3]

Change is hard for anyone, even on a small scale. A divorce, and all that can entail, is a large scale change. It is daunting.

 

I hate to put it this way, but it is easier to deal/accept the devil you do know than the devil you don't know.

 

If I had some magic switch that I could flip and bypass all of turmoil, chaos, and heartache involved; I would do it in a heartbeat. That ain't reality.

 

So you weigh all of the issues you are faced with. Is it worth it to put all of the kids involved through hell, the financial mess, the social mess, etc., in hopes that after that all blows over after a few years that things are the nirvana we imagine out lives to be together? PROBABLY NOT! Too many negatives to overcome. The new relationship with the AP as open partners will ALWAYS have that stain; for the AP's, the kids, the families, the friends, everything. Because you have not lived with the AP there is 'a known unknown'. I dated my wife for 8 years before we got married, and things certainly changed once we got married. Even though I have been involved with my MW for 4.5 years and I know her very well, but also I know there are things I do not know. For sure we are both much more mature than when we got married so our differences are pretty slim. All that said, you can't predict how it will work out. So you are left with the decision, "Do I throw all of this away when I know the deck is highly stacked against success?"

 

You had lived for a good while with what finally made you decide to cheat in the first place. So living with it in the future is not all the difficult. In the process it may prove to be an awakening to both parties as to why it happened.

 

While I love the feelings I get from being involved with my MW, it is not at the top of my priority chain. My kids occupy that spot.

[frogss29]

Change is hard for anyone, even on a small scale. A divorce, and all that can entail, is a large scale change. It is daunting.

 

I hate to put it this way, but it is easier to deal/accept the devil you do know than the devil you don't know.

 

If I had some magic switch that I could flip and bypass all of turmoil, chaos, and heartache involved; I would do it in a heartbeat. That ain't reality.

 

So you weigh all of the issues you are faced with. Is it worth it to put all of the kids involved through hell, the financial mess, the social mess, etc., in hopes that after that all blows over after a few years that things are the nirvana we imagine out lives to be together? PROBABLY NOT! Too many negatives to overcome. The new relationship with the AP as open partners will ALWAYS have that stain; for the AP's, the kids, the families, the friends, everything. Because you have not lived with the AP there is 'a known unknown'. I dated my wife for 8 years before we got married, and things certainly changed once we got married. Even though I have been involved with my MW for 4.5 years and I know her very well, but also I know there are things I do not know. For sure we are both much more mature than when we got married so our differences are pretty slim. All that said, you can't predict how it will work out. So you are left with the decision, "Do I throw all of this away when I know the deck is highly stacked against success?"

 

You had lived for a good while with what finally made you decide to cheat in the first place. So living with it in the future is not all the difficult. In the process it may prove to be an awakening to both parties as to why it happened.

 

While I love the feelings I get from being involved with my MW, it is not at the top of my priority chain. My kids occupy that spot.

 

Where is your wife on your priority chain???

Sounds to me like everyone on your priority chain is getting the short straw.

[frogss29]

Nightmare01, no one can be everything to someone. There will always be 'holes' . And being analytical there comes a time in all relationships where you weigh up the pros and the cons. Obviously, your wife could see she would be happier with you.

That is the bottom line.

Just because you are attracted to someone else and tell them you love them doesn't mean you want a life with them.

People want to be loved and treasured.

If your partner isn't doing that and someone else is making you feel special, you are going to seek that person out.

But generally people still know what is right and wrong.

And sometime you are going to weigh things up and decide what you really want .

Your wife chose you.

I hope she treasures you now and realises how lucky she is.

And I hope you feel the same way about her.

[LearningToMoveOn]

Change is hard for anyone, even on a small scale. A divorce, and all that can entail, is a large scale change. It is daunting.

 

I hate to put it this way, but it is easier to deal/accept the devil you do know than the devil you don't know.

 

If I had some magic switch that I could flip and bypass all of turmoil, chaos, and heartache involved; I would do it in a heartbeat. That ain't reality.

 

So you weigh all of the issues you are faced with. Is it worth it to put all of the kids involved through hell, the financial mess, the social mess, etc., in hopes that after that all blows over after a few years that things are the nirvana we imagine out lives to be together? PROBABLY NOT! Too many negatives to overcome. The new relationship with the AP as open partners will ALWAYS have that stain; for the AP's, the kids, the families, the friends, everything. Because you have not lived with the AP there is 'a known unknown'. I dated my wife for 8 years before we got married, and things certainly changed once we got married. Even though I have been involved with my MW for 4.5 years and I know her very well, but also I know there are things I do not know. For sure we are both much more mature than when we got married so our differences are pretty slim. All that said, you can't predict how it will work out. So you are left with the decision, "Do I throw all of this away when I know the deck is highly stacked against success?"

 

You had lived for a good while with what finally made you decide to cheat in the first place. So living with it in the future is not all the difficult. In the process it may prove to be an awakening to both parties as to why it happened.

 

While I love the feelings I get from being involved with my MW, it is not at the top of my priority chain. My kids occupy that spot.

 

Yep, this is pretty much it exactly. While we very much wanted to be together, it would have been far too difficult and hurt far too many people, most importantly our children. While it is devastating to lose someone you love deeply, it would have been more devastating for each of us to lose our kids. Not to mention the shame of our families and friends knowing, potentially the end of our careers. etc. The obstacles were just too much to overcome.

[Red123]

Yep, this is pretty much it exactly. While we very much wanted to be together, it would have been far too difficult and hurt far too many people, most importantly our children. While it is devastating to lose someone you love deeply, it would have been more devastating for each of us to lose our kids. Not to mention the shame of our families and friends knowing, potentially the end of our careers. etc. The obstacles were just too much to overcome.

 

Did you work together as well as being in the A? Are you still NC?

[lovinDKT3]

I wanted to stay for him, I love him. Yes I cared for my om but it didn't compare to what I felt and feel for DKT. My A filled in some gaps during a weak part of my life. It funny because even during the A I knew that OM wasn't the man that my husband was/is.

 

Why risk it? The A made me feel good about my self, that drove me. Even with that I still saw and wanted a future with my husband. Its hard to believe being that feeling my marriage was over and I couldn't continue is what lead me to the affair. I had a lot of complex things going on in my head during that time, but when I was with om I only thought about how nice it was to be wanted. When I was with my husband I had guilt, I was disgusted with myself and always feared that he had somehow found out.

 

I had started to pull away from OM and cut off all physical contact when we had our fake dday. Then doom divorced, he wanted out so bad that he gave me every thing. Saying the only thing he wanted in his life that reminded him of me was the kids.

 

I guess in a way I stayed in my A because it was easier, om knew the whole situation. I didn't have to hide anything from him and that formed a bond. Maybe some confuse that with being in love, I didn't.

 

Love for him is why I stayed, love for him is why I never gave up after the divorce. Anything else would in my opinion have been a lie. I wouldn't stay for fear of losing a job, or what others thought of me or even the kids. He deserves better then that. If I wasn't willing to love him with all my heart I would step aside and let him find that with someone else. My selfishness blow up our life and history, I wouldn't allow it to blow up his future.

[Furious]

A BH here.

 

One question that nags me to this day, 13 years after Dday, is WHY my WW chose to stay with me?

 

She has a long term affair. It was romantic. She and her OM professed true love for each other. They felt their relationship was a real one, not just a part time thing where they only saw the best sides of each other.

 

Then something happened. I dont know what. But my WW dropped her OM like a hot coal. She thought her LTA would be a deal breaker and thought I would D her. She was surprised when I wanted to R.

 

So for those of you who were in a LTA. A true LONG term affair. There must have been feeling involved for each other. So why arent you with your OP?

 

If you loved your OP why did you decide to stay with your BS?

 

You will get no flaming or hurt feelings from me. All I want is the truth. Even if its painful.

 

thanx

 

 

I did the math....long-term affair in actual hours and days didn't add up to much. I even added in sexting, texting, emails. Still it didn't add up to much.

 

Overall my husbands affair of almost two years added up to just over a few months actual real time.

 

It's not surprising that affair partners really don't know the real person they're being intimate with. It's mostly projection, being what they want to be for each other. That's not hard to do in an affair compartment.

 

It's really about entitlement, play acting in a odd way. The affair is an opportunity to experiment with their identity, reinvent themselves in a way, and have the security of their marriage and image in the real world to fall back on.

 

Most cheaters don't want give up anything, especially the life they've cultivated, it's more about getting more, getting that "extra".

 

In a twisted way affair partners are aware of each other's ability to deceive and the appetite for extra. It's no wonder they may hesitate in actually being together for real 24/7. These folks are jaded, they really don't believe in commitment, but like the perks that come with it.

[Realist3]

Where is your wife on your priority chain???

Sounds to me like everyone on your priority chain is getting the short straw.

 

Right here beside me. My kids get top billing, as do my MW's.

[anne1707]

I stayed because I wanted to, because I loved my husband and still do. I never stopped loving him and I never saw myself with anybody else no matter how much talk of a future together there was with the exOM. During the affair, I did not just lie to my husband, I also lied to the ex OM by letting him believe things were not good at home or not answering his demands for me to leave my H with the "I need more time" line. I also lied to the exOM whenI knew I would have to say things just to keep the affair going because the exOM seemed to need to hear those things. As a WS you can get wrapped up in all this delusion and lose yourself (fog!).

 

I am not saying that I did not have genuine feelings for the exOM but by being an affair, everything is exaggerated - for me certainly the relationship was not tested by real world. As another poster has suggested, my 3 year affair was in some ways stuck where a relationship maybe reaches at 3 months I.e. It did not get out of that first rush of excitement and novelty (basically was we did not spend that much time alone together even though we worked together and in the last few months that time together dropped off even more). The real world and the real love was always with my husband.

[Just a Guy]

Hi NM01, Why don't you ask your wife that question? I am sure after all this time she will give you a straight forward answer! Cheers!

[Buckeye2]

WW confessed on her own in a email to me while I was traveling on business. She said she had tried to end the LTA before but kept slipping back in. Confessing was her way of burning that bridge.

 

She has a long term affair. It was romantic. She and her OM professed true love for each other. They felt their relationship was a real one, not just a part time thing where they only saw the best sides of each other.

 

Then something happened. I dont know what. But my WW dropped her OM like a hot coal. She thought her LTA would be a deal breaker and thought I would D her. She was surprised when I wanted to R.

 

Which is it? She confessed to “burn the bridge” because she couldn’t get the OM out of her system or she dropped the OM like a “hot coal” and was done with him?

 

 

Hi NM01, Why don't you ask your wife that question? I am sure after all this time she will give you a straight forward answer!

 

I agree. It's about time you found out.

[Fluttershy]

I can't answer for your wife but as my husband ended his A andthen confessed I will share his motives. But his affair from start of physical to ed was only a few months. And it was supposed to be strictly PA.

 

The guilt was coming in waves for him. He would push it down, see I was happy and agree to another meetup. Rinse and repeat. Then, as they had been friends for quite sometime, he noticed he was startin to care for her and I was starting to annoy him. He noticed the changes in himself and really thought about where his A was going and what it was doing to his little family. A little too late? Perhaps for some but better late than never. He ended the A, went NC. He realized that was not enough in turning his life aroundans recommitting to me and so he confessed it all. I realized later that whathe did was far better for us than had he waited for a potential DDay or remained lying to me forever.

 

I guess he just saw things clearly and chose the honest path.

[LearningToMoveOn]

Did you work together as well as being in the A? Are you still NC?

 

Yes and yes.

[Red123]

Yes and yes.

 

So do you find it difficult to stay NC at work?

[Mycatsnuggles]

Nightmare,

 

I'm a WW in a 3 year long love affair. Our long term marriage was breaking down. H and I treated each other horribly. It got to the point we couldn't stand to be in the same room together. No justification just explanation of where I was when I met mm. He gave me the love and validation I wasn't receiving at home and definitely wasn't giving. The worse we treated each other the more I pulled away from h and moved towards mm.

 

A little over three years in I began to think mm was looking for someone else. I found myself growing jealous and insecure with him. Checking up on him. He even offered to give me his passwords? That was kinda eye opening to me because I wanted him to. It began me thinking of h and what a good man he was. Appreciating all the things he had done for me and his family in a new way, something I didn't see before became obvious to me. I was looking for the gold pot at the end of the rainbow when it was in front of me all the time. H loved me 100% there was no questioning no wondering in an affair there is ALWAYS a sense of insecurity. We cheating on each other, spend limited amounts of time together, and are aware of the lying we do. Seeing myself turn into an insecure person grasping onto another insecure person made me see h as he really was.

 

I went and visited a relative for several weeks after we ended the affair. I found myself missing h for the first time in many years. We had a family tragedy and I think that was the final revelation it was h I wanted to be with to mourn, h that knew my life story and still loved me.

 

I went back to h because I wanted him, I wanted our marriage and our family, I wanted to rebuild the bridges I (wish I could bold the I because I know it was me that pushed h away) had broken.

[Scott Thomas]

Yes, but what have you done to repair those 'broken bridges', if you don't mind me asking.

Your husband doesn't know, so it seems pretty convenient to play 'wife and hubby' again. Let's assume he found out and asked you the same question. How would you respond?

The last time I checked, there was more to marriage/family/love than becoming monogamous when it seemed a tad convenient.

Let me put it this way: if I genuinely love my wife, I ought to be the best husband on earth. If I can't give her what she deserves, then I should set her free to find someone who will honour and respect her the way she deserves. Does this ring a bell?

[Scott Thomas]

 

He deserves better then that. If I wasn't willing to love him with all my heart I would step aside and let him find that with someone else. My selfishness blow up our life and history, I wouldn't allow it to blow up his future.

 

The point I'm trying to make....

 

On another note, MyCatSnuggles, if you had a chance to go back in time and work on your M instead of having an A, would you? Even if this implies that you might not have experienced the A? Do you regret 'burning those bridges'?

Edited May 9, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[nightmare01]

Hi NM01, Why don't you ask your wife that question? I am sure after all this time she will give you a straight forward answer! Cheers!

 

That sounds easy. But one of the only things I know for certain is that my WW is a liar. I believe that if she can lie and get away with it, she will.

 

There is no way I could ever know for certain whether what she told me was a placating lie, or actually how she feels. In these conditions, whats the point of even asking?

 

Thank you all for your thoughtful answers.

[Scott Thomas]

That sounds easy. But one of the only things I know for certain is that my WW is a liar. I believe that if she can lie and get away with it, she will.

 

There is no way I could ever know for certain whether what she told me was a placating lie, or actually how she feels. In these conditions, whats the point of even asking?

 

Thank you all for your thoughtful answers.

 

 

Then why stay?

Being alone, even at an old age, beats staying in such extreme circumstances.

[LearningToMoveOn]

So do you find it difficult to stay NC at work?

 

Sorry, Red. I should have clarified. We work for the same company but are not in the same city at this point. If I know he's going to be at the same work location as me, I don't go to work that day (or week).

[Red123]

That's smart. Not setting yourself up for an interaction. Thanks for answering:)

[Mickey1982]

Sorry, Red. I should have clarified. We work for the same company but are not in the same city at this point. If I know he's going to be at the same work location as me, I don't go to work that day (or week).

 

 

LearningToMoveOn...how are you? OUR stories are so similiar and I have not heard from you or seen you posting in OM/OW for a while. But, it appears from your posings on here you are still in NC...kudos to you on doing so incredibly well!