A simple question for WS

[atreides]

I am reading a lot about "factors" kids, money and such.. that divorce is no picnic, but neither is the flip side which is why long term or short, the A most times is never enough and that is why WS go back.

 

How is it that the ramifications of a divorce outweigh the ramifications of the affair itself? The pain comes with the A not with the D, the damage is already done and a D is a result of that damage.

 

There is truth to financial and custody, but at this point i know too many divorcees to say that the fear of such is enough not to. The damage however from the Affair hit home with the children and social circles in all of the affairs i have known from friends or family regardless of having a divorce or not, it was the affair.

 

This is why i argue, about it not being "true love" of the AP; but, there are exceptions for example but not to the context of the OP's question as those would be exit affairs and i know of a few whom were happier even after all of the legal mess they made because they did love.

In other words, when the love is real, it overcomes and endures (a D in the case of an A) just as it should have in Marriages with problems; but, most of all, when it is love, that is why WS go back and why the BS will take them back. Don't kid yourself.

[Charlie Harper]

Don't kid yourself.

 

 

Exactly dont kid yourself, if you had an A is because love was not enough or was not there.

 

Nobody goes into a LONG TERM A just ´cause, you end up there because your relationship is failing, or has failed, a lot of those R are GIGS or are based on false premises, then they go back, a strong A and a failed M end up in D, most of the time, sometimes it doesn't happen because of the reasons I outlined before.

 

Having and A doesnt mean you love your S, it means you quit the relationship ..

[daretotrustlove]

I'm a XOW. We were involved in a 5 year A. It was not all about sex. We dealt with the every day issues of life, work, kids. It was a m, paralle to the m. I was a very unhappy ow. I don't like to share. That made our R, hard.

I wanted a open R with him. He met my kids, family, friends, it was very hard on both of us.

 

When it came time to end the A, and start the life together, (there's alot more to it), it was just to much for him. Yes, I know he loves her, never doubted that. He loves her for the life they had, just as I did my exh. But I also know that he was/is in love with me.

 

There's alot that plays a part, age, term of the m. All of these play a part in to stay or leave. Do I believe their m will be different, yes I do. Do I believe it was real love, yes, I do. A affair isn't really all that different from a normal relationship, if you look at from a R point of view. Ups, downs, emotional roller coaster to say the least. Do A, cause damage, yes they do for sure. Damage all the way around, MP, BS, OP....they all get hurt.

 

I believed my Xmm when he said he wanted a life together. I don't understand it all, but I know that obligation, protector of the family, there is so much that comes into play. I'm still greiving my R, ending. I know that we grow and when we grow we change. We as people change everyday.

 

My heart is destroyed from what he did to us. The fall out affects everyone involved. Go ahead and slam me if you want. But not all OP are vicious people. We didn't set out to hurt, some of us do find the love of our lives.

 

I like to say to Charlie and Atrieds for there spoke, it has opened my eyes. Doesn't make me feel any better, but I have taken some knowledge from it. Thank you for being honest.

[Ladydrib]

A BH here.

 

One question that nags me to this day, 13 years after Dday, is WHY my WW chose to stay with me?

 

She has a long term affair. It was romantic. She and her OM professed true love for each other. They felt their relationship was a real one, not just a part time thing where they only saw the best sides of each other.

 

Then something happened. I dont know what. But my WW dropped her OM like a hot coal. She thought her LTA would be a deal breaker and thought I would D her. She was surprised when I wanted to R.

 

So for those of you who were in a LTA. A true LONG term affair. There must have been feeling involved for each other. So why arent you with your OP?

 

If you loved your OP why did you decide to stay with your BS?

 

You will get no flaming or hurt feelings from me. All I want is the truth. Even if its painful.

 

thanx

 

Obviously affairs are toxic. The longer you're in that situation, the more you value a relationship that was built on trust, respect, and honesty. You may very much love your AP but most likely people begin to feel betrayed by them and value more deeply what they took for granted in their marriage. As a result they stop loving their AP and love their BS more than they ever realized.