HotCaliGirl Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 I had posted this in the "Dating" bulletin board this afternoon but maybe it belongs here: I was going to stay at my b-friend's place from Fri night - Mon morning as usual. Saturday night his pager was going off all night, he said it was for work. Then Sunday he says he has to go to work, and showers, dresses and leaves at 2pm to go to the office for an emergency - an hour before the Super Bowl we were planning on watching together. The hours go by and he doesn't even call to check up on me and I have never stayed at his place alone for that long. At 6:30pm I was fuming, wrote a note and took off - I live 60 miles away. At 7pm (super bowl was over around 7:10) he left a message on my cell phone that he would be heading back soon - his work is about 20 min away. I've known him for 5 years, we dated for about a year, then broke up for a year and a half and just got back together a month ago. Did he really go to work? I called and we spoke at 9pm - I had made an excuse why I had to suddenly leave - family emergency, and am feeling sorry he had to go in to work on that day - he's never gone in on a Sunday before and had mentioned Saturday that he was on-call even though it was his weekend off since his boss was taking a week off etc etc. If I question whether he was really at work, I know he will turn it on me that I don't trust him and it'll turn into a big bad fight that I don't want to get into... I was miserable when we were apart and am always feeling scared to rock the boat. I just feel very very hurt and disrespected and don't know what to think. How can I approach this matter without coming across that I don't trust him or that I am jealous? What if he went to watch the game with another girl or was too ashamed to take me to wherever he was with friends? What if he was really at work? How can I know if he was really at work? PLEASE help! I can't handle this. I am to see him Wed. night and don't know if I should be the bad one who left him and couldn't wait long enough for him to get back or if he was playing me... Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 It seems that you don't trust your bf's explanation of why he had to leave. You didn't really give enough info for me to have an inking either way. It's quite possible that he was at work, or that he wasn't. It does strike me that regardless of whether he was working or wanking, you folks have a major communication/trust problem. He should tell you what his work schedule may involve, and if he has to leave you during one of your weekends, he should let you know for how long it will be. You should have asked him how long it would be, and you should not be afraid to tell him that you felt lonely, nervous, abandoned when you were gone. I don't know his job, but it's possible he got very busy during those 4 hours - legitimately working - and just didn't think to call you. If I were you, I would be tempted to say, "Maybe I'll skip next weekend." Sorry, my 5 year old is kicking me off the 'puter. Bye. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HotCaliGirl Posted February 8, 2005 Author Share Posted February 8, 2005 As far as his work - he is the computer tech guy for a big company. It is common that he will be on-call and employees from different timezones will call at all hours of the night, he revs up the computer, makes calls and I can see that it is all technical stuff. But when his pager was going off Saturday night, he didn't get up to make a call back, which he always does for work. And of ALL days, he has to go in during the Super Bowl hours and he has never had to go to the office over the weekend before. I'm trying hard to just take it face value and not read into it like my sister tells me about everything else, but even she is saying not to buy it. I just don't want to be wrong and ruin an otherwise good relationship. I am also nervous that he hasn't emailed me once today and he usually does at least 3 times throughout the day from work. I feel like maybe he is upset at me for taking off but I don't want to be dumb either and fool myself... I think I'll tell him that I was upset he didn't call me all those hours I was waiting for him to get back and focus on that instead of adding more factors into it that I cannot prove and if I were to be wrong about him not being at work, it would be my fault to stir things up and not trust him... Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 Hmmmm. I'm not the best person to give advice since I will admit, I have never had a "trust problem". Sometimes people call it a "trust problem" when actually it means they are trying desperately not to believe what is so obvious to others around them. Like the joke, where a woman walks in to find her SO buck naked and going at it with a bouncing bimbo, in their own bed no less. "Are you cheating on me?" she screams. "No, honey, of course I'm not." "WELL IT SURE LOOKS LIKE IT!!" "Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?" In my mind, the only kind of r/s worthy of the name is the kind where you can say, "I felt so lonely and abandoned all afternoon. I was afraid you weren't really out on a work call...that you had gone somewhere to be with someone else." Note - you are talking about YOUR FEELINGS only - not about his actions. A non-cheating man in a healthy r/s would want to know more about your painful, unjustified fears, SHOW you openly and kindly that they were not true, and help you deal with them. Sounds like you are afraid to ask your bf the honest questions that are boiling over in your heart. That right there is the problem. Unless you have a long history of groundless accusations, you ARE permitted to ask questions (politely) and ask for explanations (nicely). If he doesn't respond in kind...he is not the man you need him to be, and you would be doing him a kindness to return him to the dating pool so he can seek a woman more to his taste. You know yourself and him much better than we can ever do. Your gut is there for a reason...listen to it...fcator it into your thinking unless you KNOW that your gut is not to be trusted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HotCaliGirl Posted February 8, 2005 Author Share Posted February 8, 2005 This is obviously long and I don't expect people to be reading it really, I just have to get this all off my chest because it is driving me insane tonight and I don't know what to do to feel better.......... That is good advice SoleMate - to express my feelings and not accuse him of my suspicions. I thought that would be a sign of weakness that shows I am insecure and untrustful but it seems like I'm ignoring an elephant in the room by avoiding what happened. He finally started sending me emails this evening - I guess by me not initiating any emails or calling, maybe it made him a little nervous. I had been postponing conversing until I decided how I would approach things, but I blew it by acting like everything was ok. Then he started calling every hour until I finally picked up. He spoke casually as if nothing was wrong. He seemed EXTRA nice on the phone and I've been reading (all day I've been searching for answers online and missed work) that that is a sign that someone might be cheating - if they are acting uncharacteristically more attentive towards you. He spent over an hour on the phone with me and even though I was sounding sad at first, he didn't comment on it and kept talking until he made me laugh and until I SOUNDED ok but deep down I was still feeling so much pain. I still feel a little sick to my stomach, because it is true that whenever I suspect something, I deny it and don't even let myself think about it. For example, I saw a condom on his nightstand a few weeks ago and we don't use condoms. I didn't say anything because I am scared I'll come across as a crazy jealous person and also because I don't want to believe anything is going wrong. I would be devestated to leave him, or worse if he left me. Everything else is just so perfect - he treats me so lovingly and is so wonderful to be with. I wish I would stop thinking about it. I feel like I opened a can of worms and now I am consumed with a million bad thoughts and going over stuff from the past I never wanted to question and it is tearing me apart. He is the type of guy who could be with any girl he wants to - tall, very good looking and successful - and he has chosen to be with me so it is stressful to keep things ok, especially when they don't seem to be. I've been talking to my sister about all this since it is keeping me from functioning - she thinks he is too controlling - he doesn't let me wear makeup and wants me to gain 10 pounds and dress casual whereas I love makeup, dressing stylish and keeping my nice figure. I always thought that meant he doesn't care that even if I didn't look good he would like me, so now i'm just getting more and more confused and feel like I have to stop thinking too much and reading into things. These are things I never think about, but now I am just getting a sudden consumption and wake up shock and it is just driving me into a state of an inability to function and think without so much hurt. I just have to get the courage to bring up how I was at least feeling when he left me so I can move on from that and get his response. That is a good idea that I can check how he responds - if he gets confrontational and defensive, or if he genuinely will care and listen to how I am feeling and reassure me that I was just imagining something when all along he was at work. I can't even go to sleep because I am picturing him having been with someone else and it is hurting so bad. I will pray that I am wrong about all of it and get over it. But knowing him, I have a feeling he might get upset that I am bringing something up from the past and have been acting like everything is ok when I don't feel it is, so I have missed my window of opportunity to have brought this up, and at this point he might get upset that I don't trust him. I will be seeing him Wed. night - so I will use the time between then to really get myself to speak with him about all this and do it in a way that like you say, will just express my feelings and not focus on his actions since it seems like he is the only person that can make me feel better about all this. Thanks for your help... Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 whoa! wait a minute! You found a condom on the nightstand and you guys don't use condoms? WTF? Does he have a room-mate? If not, then this is a big red flag that he may be cheating and got lazy about covering it up. You have the right to be concerned. Don't beat yourself up about waiting to talk to him. You probably wanted to sort out your feelings before talking to him. Tell him that when you talk to him. That will explain why you acted as if everything was okay when it wasn't. I smell a rat here, just my opinion. Watch him closely when you confront him. See if your gut tells you he is lying. Make is seem like you know more than you are letting on...I'd say something like: I found the condom. Is there something you would like to tell me now? No matter what he says, act cool toward him for a while. He has made you feel insecure. You sound smart, nice and on the ball. It's up to him to explain his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 You have every right to open a can of worms. If he truly loves you, he will climb over broken glass to make everything right with you. I hope he is a good guy. Just watch out. Time will tell. By the way, YOU WOULD BE JUST FINE WITHOUT HIM, Sweetie. Say it. Believe it. You only think you NEED him, you just want him....and that can change if you continue to feel like this around him... Good luck. keep us posted... Link to post Share on other sites
Hund1976 Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 I would say the condom is a HUGE warning sign. Maybe he really did have to work during the Superbowl but I can't think of a good reason why a condom would be there. I would ask him about it and see what he tells you. If he gives you a reason that is possible then I would leave it at that but keep your eyes open and look for more clues. If someone has a secret life going on they are going to slip up and give it away sooner or later. Link to post Share on other sites
DinNJ Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 HEY, you didn't mention this condom thing yesterday.... and here I am, saying give him the benefit of the doubt..... THE HELL WITH THAT SHI#!!! Could the red flag BE ANY BIGGER!!!! If you don't use condoms with him... it's time to cut your losses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HotCaliGirl Posted February 8, 2005 Author Share Posted February 8, 2005 Thanks for the feedback nicki and Hund... It is helpful for other people to tell me what I am scared to think about - that he might be a rat with a secret life. I am most upset about the dishonesty. In the past I had not told him something very personal about myself until about 6 months after dating, and he STILL throws it to me every single time something remotely related to it comes up and makes me feel awful about it. He acts like a saint and now to see him in a different light, while he accuses me of having lied for holding back info. I was not yet comfortable sharing with him until I felt more trustful and voluntarily told him, is just too much to take in and comprehend. I have until tomorrow to decide if I want to say I'm too tired to see him and slowly start avoiding him, or else talk it through. What is the point of talking to someone who may be lying to you? I'm not a human lie detector to know whetether or not he is...then I'll be more consumed about everything he says - whether or not to believe in it. But if the case is that he lied to me, and is cheating, I don't think I could ever feel the same towards him. After all these years, I feel like it would be easier to ignore it and continue like everything is ok since we have such a good time together and I am scared of how miserable I will be without him. You have given me a lot to think about - thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 aww honey... i know how it feels to be so conflicted. you've already gotten some good advice, so i will just tell you this-- i hope it works out in whatever way makes you happy. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 BIG HUG TO YOU! i have gone through this myself. believe me, it's sooo HARD! you may never know the truth. i didn't.......it's so confusing...you think it's all you, and you aren't sure if you are just being insecure or if there is something to it... he may never tell you if he is cheating....all i know is that it's hard to go on in relationship where you feel doubts... remember, you always have the right to leave a situation that leaves you feeling like that, whatever the truth really is...how you feel is WAY more important than how he feels... Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 ...he doesn't let me wear makeup and wants me to gain 10 pounds and dress casual whereas I love makeup, dressing stylish and keeping my nice figure. I always thought that meant he doesn't care that even if I didn't look good he would like me... Doesn't "let" you wear makeup? Well, in that case, you better not "let" him take off on weekends when he is with you, without a word! What is this relationship of yours? A mutually enjoyable closeness - or him getting what he wants and letting you know what he's willing to let you have. If he is trying to get you to downgrade your appearance and be less attractive (to other men who might replace him), then yes, that is VERY controlling, ugly behavior, aimed at putting you in a more vulnerable position, and he deserves to be dumped for it. ...so now i'm just getting more and more confused and feel like I have to stop thinking too much and reading into things... On the contrary, you need to think MORE. About what you deserve in a r/s. About having a r/s that is fair, honest, and meets BOTH partner's needs. ...I saw a condom on his nightstand a few weeks ago and we don't use condoms... That's one of the things you need to be thinking about. Quit tiptoeing around this guy. I don't care how handsome or financially successful he is, he's still a loser who is hurting you and will keep on hurting you. I have until tomorrow to decide if I want to say I'm too tired to see him and slowly start avoiding him, or else talk it through. What is the point of talking to someone who may be lying to you? Avoiding him is a very good plan, but I would make it suddenly rather than slowly. You can try talking to him - and actually there are good ways to detect all but the most experienced liars. Try http://www.ihatemen.com/catching_a_cheater.html , http://tkdtutor.com/07Defense/LieDetection.htm , http://marriage.about.com/cs/trustissues/a/spotaliar.htm , http://www.backwash.com/content.php?jouid=9026 . I think that if you clear out all the fear that is keeping you from thinking straight, and let your rational mind put two and two together, you will come up with the right answer. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetpea01 Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 HI, I've been cheated on before and in denial about it - so if you truly think there is something fishy going on, I really recommend you just go ask him about it. If you are wrong and he truly cares, he will try to make you secure. If he is cheating, then you are better off for knowing sooner. Confronting my guy was SUPER tough. He was sleeping when I found out, and I stood over him for like an hour, just trying to figure out how to ask! So, I ran back to my room, wrote it out on a piece of paper "Are you cheating on me? (or whatever you want to ask) and woke him up and handed it to him. Not the nicest thing to wake up to, but at least I got my answer. With me, I WANTED my bf to be the guy of my dreams, so I turned a blind eye to everything...but in the end, I knew I wanted so much more than that. I don't want to be the devil's advocate...but as far as the condom goes, maybe he was just wacking off and didn't want to make a mess? My bf and I have a stack of condoms in the room, and every once in awhile he'll use it for that. So....I guess that could explain it. But...it seems like you have other reasons for all your doubt. I'd go with your gut. G-luck girl! S Link to post Share on other sites
Author HotCaliGirl Posted February 9, 2005 Author Share Posted February 9, 2005 I'd like to thank all of you again for caring. I missed work again today for feeling so down, but I feel much better than yesterday and if I didn't find this site, would've still been going out of my mind. Even reading others problems makes me feel like I'm not alone. SoleMate - those are wonderful links you have provided. I am reading every single word and learning a lot about people in general. It is time to take my head out of the sand. I automatically turn a blind eye to all my suspicions so that I won't end up feeling how I've been feeling these past few days, so I guess this was bound to occur at some point and I feel like I have some good tools to deal with the devestation from the feedback. Thanks for the hug nicki and for sharing your experience sweetpea01. I'm relieved at the thought that the condom might have been for his own use.... I can't handle imagining too many bad things at once so that is one less thing to worry about right now. I'm not 100% sure yet how exactly to approach him about this, but I am jotting down all of the suspicions I've had to help determine what I will and won't say and also will use the tips I got, such as "I" feel this and that and not use an accusatory tone...Will keep you posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HotCaliGirl Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 ok, wish me luck everyone... He has been very persistent calling/emailing nonstop and is even leaving work early and just asked me to come on by already. Again, I have not mentioned anything about my suspicions but he's acting nervous as if he thinks I may be privy to his deception. I hope I get the courage to bring it up so it doesn't continue to eat away at me... Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Good luck!! If he's nervous, then you are in the driver's seat on this one. Be confident. Don't confront him right away when you see him....let him squirm a bit, have a drink, be a little aloof, you know, nice but a little to yourself...he may even blurt out something himself before you guys talk. let us know how it goes....watch your body for it's reaction to whatever he says...intution.... and most of all, ask every question you want to know the answer to...you obviously have his attention now... Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 oh, one more thing....if he gets mad and/or defensive (like my guy did to get control), don't back down. if he does go that route, just get pissed right back and keep control....firmly remind him that a man in love wants to do whatever he can to make his woman feel loved and supported -- and you need him to listen and talk to you right now.... just wanted to add that...good luck...you'll be fabulous! Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Nicki, He's cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 that would really suck...looks that way, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 I'm a guy, I cheated a LONG time ago. No excuses, I know I was an ass to do it. But his behavior is classic. And the condom was the clincher. HCG, The confrontation is the hardest thing to do, because he's lying to you at this very moment. Do you realize that? Now, HE is worried. But his ego has him by the man-berries. I would just walk away for a while. Protect your heart, and step back slowly. The skill with which he is lying is impressive. I remember the complex web I wove to conceal the truth, sometime right out in plain sight. It's not in any way a reflection of your desirability, HotCaligirl, Something is going on with him such that he's choosing unwisely. You know that gut instinct you have. Trust it on this one. Trust me on this one. Get ready to have some more space in your closet and get your keys back. Okay. Come back and talk if you need to. PM me anytime. MA Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 wow, good advice from someone who knows..."caligirl" is who is wondering about her man, but this advice applies to me.. i swallowed all his excuses.. the line about it not being about "my desirability" really felt good to hear. thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HotCaliGirl Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 I want to thank everyone for the feedback and support - I would not have made it these past few days without you - Nicki, MassiveAtom, SoleMat, Hund, etc. When I saw him last night, I was prepared to say this and that and ask about everything on my mind - BUT I didn't have the courage to. He seemed at ease with him/ourselves and like everything was ok, even though he was showing signs of cheating that I've been reading about - being extra nice - ordering my fav. food, more intimate than usual, etc. which now that I've done a lot of reading on, was hurtful AND felt empowering because my head is no longer in the sand. Even today, he's already emailed me 5 times from work, so I'm wondering if this girl he's seeing is at work? ughhh For now, I will keep note of all lies and gut feelings so that I think once I have a longer list, I won't hesitate so much to "rock the boat"... At least I am not so broken up anymore and have opened my eyes thanks to you all...Men! Doesn't take much to make you feel real good or real bad. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 So...you're still with him? You have not asked him to explain himself? You are still afraid to ask for fairness and honesty in your "loving" relationship? What can I do to help you get strong enough to insist on being treated right? Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Solemate is right! Let us help you be strong. You have the right to be treated well. What are you most afraid of in confronting him? That he will leave? Well, if he would leave over you questioning him on this, then he will leave no matter what you do. He must know you saw the condom. He will respect you if you stand up for yourself. More importantly, you will respect you... Don't you deserve an open, honest relationship? Do you think YOU are being open with him? If the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't you want him to talk to you? I know you will talk to him when you are ready and have had enough...but meanwhile, do you really want him to think he can play you if that's what's going on? Hope you have a good weekend...let us know if anything happens... Link to post Share on other sites
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