Was I played or am I overreacting?

[HotCaliGirl]

I just can't seem to do it and am starting to grow some resentment towards him. I know he can't read my mind and I am acting now like everything is ok, but the fact that he is ok with everything too is making me tic... I'll have to give it some time and see what happens SoulMate...

[nicki]

yeah, i understand....maybe you need a little more time to get strong, let the resentment close your heart to him...so you can prepare to leave if that's what it comes to.

 

you are stronger than you know, girl!

[HotCaliGirl]

Thanks for the support and the great advice nicki - that is so true that he should respect me for standing up to myself and it will be a good test to see if he would stick around - I am so scared that if I say anything negative he would leave me, and this way if that fear does not happen, it might help me to feel more secure with myself and the relationship...

 

For other minor things he gets annoyed and upset when I don't speak up and says that that could be a problem. With others I speak up, but with him, I don't know why I walk on eggshells - I think the fear of him leaving me scares me too much. I'll keep you all posted - thanks!

[CoolAunt]

Originally posted by HotCaliGirl

[color=blue] This is obviously long and I don't expect people to be reading it really, I just have to get this all off my chest because it is driving me insane tonight and I don't know what to do to feel better..........

That is good advice SoleMate - to express my feelings and not accuse him of my suspicions. I thought that would be a sign of weakness that shows I am insecure and untrustful but it seems like I'm ignoring an elephant in the room by avoiding what happened. He finally started sending me emails this evening - I guess by me not initiating any emails or calling, maybe it made him a little nervous. I had been postponing conversing until I decided how I would approach things, but I blew it by acting like everything was ok. Then he started calling every hour until I finally picked up. He spoke casually as if nothing was wrong.

 

He seemed EXTRA nice on the phone and I've been reading (all day I've been searching for answers online and missed work) that that is a sign that someone might be cheating - if they are acting uncharacteristically more attentive towards you. He spent over an hour on the phone with me and even though I was sounding sad at first, he didn't comment on it and kept talking until he made me laugh and until I SOUNDED ok but deep down I was still feeling so much pain...

He's fooling around and he knows that the little stunt he pulled last Sunday was overboard and now you're suspicious. He sees that he's losing control and so he's pulled all the stops to reel you back in.

 

...I still feel a little sick to my stomach, because it is true that whenever I suspect something, I deny it and don't even let myself think about it...and also because I don't want to believe anything is going wrong. I would be devestated to leave him, or worse if he left me. Everything else is just so perfect - he treats me so lovingly and is so wonderful to be with.

This is truly unhealthy for you. You are so attached to this man that the thought of having to part ways with him makes you so sick that your only self-preservation skill is denial.

 

For example, I saw a condom on his nightstand a few weeks ago and we don't use condoms. I didn't say anything because I am scared I'll come across as a crazy jealous person...

HCG, if you report next week that you walked in on him and the naked, bouncing bimbo but didn't say anything for fear of sounding jealous and crazy, I will scream so loudly that you'll hear it all the way from TX to CA.

 

I wish I would stop thinking about it. I feel like I opened a can of worms and now I am consumed with a million bad thoughts and going over stuff from the past I never wanted to question and it is tearing me apart.

I wish that you'd stop thinking about it/him, too, because it's making you miserable.

 

He is the type of guy who could be with any girl he wants to - tall, very good looking and successful - and he has chosen to be with me so it is stressful to keep things ok, especially when they don't seem to be.

He's a cad and I guarantee you that there are women who see that in him and turn his a$$ down. Get the idea that you're lucky to be with him out of your head. He's chosen you? Yes, he has, and probably because he sensed your low self esteem and knew that you'd be easy to control and manipulate. But you've chosen him, too.

 

I've been talking to my sister about all this since it is keeping me from functioning - she thinks he is too controlling - he doesn't let me wear makeup and wants me to gain 10 pounds and dress casual whereas I love makeup, dressing stylish and keeping my nice figure. I always thought that meant he doesn't care that even if I didn't look good he would like me, so now i'm just getting more and more confused and feel like I have to stop thinking too much and reading into things.

LISTEN TO YOUR SISTER! She's right.

 

Btw, he wants you to let your looks go so that he can convince you that no one else will want you, if he hasn't done so already. You should consider that proof that you are a desirable woman.

 

These are things I never think about, but now I am just getting a sudden consumption and wake up shock and it is just driving me into a state of an inability to function and think without so much hurt. I just have to get the courage to bring up how I was at least feeling when he left me so I can move on from that and get his response. That is a good idea that I can check how he responds - if he gets confrontational and defensive, or if he genuinely will care and listen to how I am feeling and reassure me that I was just imagining something when all along he was at work. I can't even go to sleep because I am picturing him having been with someone else and it is hurting so bad. I will pray that I am wrong about all of it and get over it.

This is tearing you up so much that you're missing work and losing sleep. It's not healthy to be this emotionally dependent on another person.

 

And as for his reactions, he's been playing you very well so far. There's a good possibility that he's already practiced the reactions that work with you.

 

But knowing him, I have a feeling he might get upset that I am bringing something up from the past

"The past?" As in "last week?" Let me guess. It doesn't if it happened two years ago, two weeks ago, or two hours ago, if you bring it up, he accuses you of bringing up the past. Right or wrong?

 

and have been acting like everything is ok when I don't feel it is, so I have missed my window of opportunity to have brought this up, and at this point he might get upset that I don't trust him.

Why is it okay for you to be upset but it's not okay for him to be upset? Especially when he has given you reason not to trust him?

 

I will be seeing him Wed. night - so I will use the time between then to really get myself to speak with him about all this and do it in a way that like you say, will just express my feelings and not focus on his actions since it seems like he is the only person that can make me feel better about all this. Thanks for your help...[/color]

I understand that you didn't bring it up. However, had you then or if you do later, this IS about his actions now, not just your feelings.

 

 

HCG, who cares how good looking this man is? He's is a controlling, manipulative jerk. He's cheating on you and is so brave about it that he didn't put his condoms away and he actually left you at his apt while he went out. There's no doubt that you need to dump him. That's a no-brainer. You'll be much better off without him.

 

What really concerns me, however, is that when you're better off, but how good is that? Your self value and self esteem don't seem well off at all. As long as you don't value yourself and have low self esteem, you'll continue to be a target for users and players.

 

Sweetie, you don't NEED anyone except for yourself. You need to get it thru your head that any man who you choose to be with is the lucky guy, indeed. What can be said to help you see that?

[HotCaliGirl]

Thanks for your feedback coolaunt - you are a cool-aunt... I am getting so much strength from all you. Last night he called over and over and I did not pick up and made sure my answering machine was full so he wouldn't leave a message, just didn't want to hear him. For someone who has been so in love with him, I NEVER thought my feelings would diminish no matter what, but I am feeling less and less towards him every day this week, after years of never losing any feelings.

 

Today he emailed saying that he's taken the day off from work so we can be together all day and for the whole weekend. The thought of how he just left me last Sunday is getting worse and worse in my mind instead of going away, which at one point it was. I can't bear to be with him and since I don't have the guts to express my feelings at this point and failed to do so when I saw him Wed. I am going to just take everyone's advice and give some time to be with myself and think all this through.

 

I'm an extreme person - all or nothing and can't live in this hurtful state. I'm just scared of being depressed or regretful if he is no longer in my life. I emailed back that I'm not feeling too well and would have a hard time driving in all this rain, maybe I'll feel better by tomorrow. I'm scared what his response will be, I don't want him to accuse me of avoiding him, but I just don't have the heart to be with him right now and am feeling broken up again and hope that I am handling things right...

[MassiveAtom]

HCG,

 

Maybe it would be good for you to tell him you need some time alone. And tell him why. At least it would clearly put up the boundary for a time. You feel your emotions slipping for him, of course. that's disheartening.

 

Now for the hard part.

 

Everyone here wants you to be better. But NONE of us are pros. We're all coming from our own wacky lives that have tainted and twisted us up so much, that everything you read here is likely good, but maybe suspect.

 

While you're taking the time, really work this out for you. Maybe therapy, group, or indi.

 

If you're spiritual(religious) follow those teachings, but you have to get centered sweetie. This kind of self-doubt can wreak havoc on your soul.

 

Be careful with you. Okay?

 

 

 

MA

[SoleMate]

I understand that you are feeling a lot of fear - fear of accusations, fear of loss, fear of being alone, fear of being undesirable to any other man (?), fear of the unknown, fear of regrets...

 

There is so much FEAR in your feelings about him. LOVE isn't about fear. True love, which comes from him behaving lovingly towards you and filling up your Love Bank, drives out fear. If he behaves in a trustworthy way, you will trust and you will not fear.

 

I would encourage you to look beyond your current/ex(?) BF and forward to a time when you may be involved with a man who does EARN your trust and DESERVE your trust. You will feel safe enough to say anything, and know that you will be heard, and respected, and loved...

 

There, doesn't that feel good? Not that sick FEAR monster chewing away at your guts. Kick it out the door. And I should make it clear, he is the one who brought this kind of FEAR into your life, so he should go as well.

 

Like CoolAunt said, he will be putting the lovey-dovey pressure on you. All of a sudden he's got a long weekend available for you? And he calls you nonstop? This guy is a manipulator, and he knows which of your buttons to push. Believe me, he knows the fear monster on your shoulder better than any of us do, since he's the one who's been feeding it... Keep posting. Stay busy with friends, projects, work. And I do think you will find new strength in yourself some time soon.