Separation journey begins

[Decisiontomake]

So, I've posted over the last 5 years at various intervals about my marriage. The last two years just intensified and I moved into an apartment over the last few days, staying for the first time last night. I'm not sure I have much to say right now as feel quite devoid of emotion at the moment, but I thought writing about my story on here would be therapeutic for me, and also potentially helpful to others who are going through various stages of angst.

 

I'm trying to take it one moment at a time, which is very difficult for my personality. I feel in my gut this was the right thing to do, but that doesn't take away from the emotion that sits on top of that. I've been with my husband since I was 17 - am now 40 - and we have been married for nearly 20 years. Two children, boy of 19 (who has a year old son and girlfriend that life at our marital home), and a girl who is just about to turn 16. I took the decision to move into the apartment as to be honest, I needed out. I needed space and I needed clarity. My daughter has been here with me, but she is going to come and go between the two properties. I've chosen an apartment that is walking distance from her high school.

 

My husband and I have been getting on fine these last couple of weeks in the sense that the separation has not been "nasty" at this point. We're treating it as six months to try and truly break us to rock bottom if we have any hope of putting everything of the last couple of years (and beyond) behind us and start again. We may decide we're happier apart, but so far we've managed to do this the "best" way possible. Our kids are seeing us working this out together, though apart - I know that sounds like a contradiction - and they're not witnessing plate throwing or name calling. That's important to both of us.

 

I feel like the hard work will start in the next couple of weeks. At the moment, it's all been about logistics which has given us both something to concentrate on. Being in the apartment doesn't feel that weird - it's like being in a vacation home at the moment. But it's weird not calling him on my way to work, not texting with him during the day, and not making him dinner, or thinking about any of those things.

 

Anyway, I guess I had more to say than I thought. Am sure I'll be posting again as the inevitable rollercoaster gathers speed. Thanks for "listening".

[Zippity-Doo-Dah]

Good. For. You. It sounds like a healthy move for everyone concerned. Enjoy the break from the routine and keep posting.

[Decisiontomake]

Trying to navigate what is "right" and "wrong" at the moment in terms of contact with my husband is playing on my mind a little bit. I don't have a need to contact him at this time - we will eventually as finances etc are all still linked and our daughter's 16th birthday is fast approaching - but at the moment, there is no need. Habit is making it feel strange that we haven't been in contact for a few days. I want to ask him if he's OK, but I also want us to have that separated head space.

 

 

I am in IC (have been for 18 months), and have an appointment next week so perhaps she'll help me figure that one out. Trying to do the whole "moment at a time" thing, while also having so many different scenarios in my head is pretty f'ing hard!

 

 

Also, there is a feeling of relief in me at the moment - relief that I'm finally being true to how I've been feeling, doing the right thing by our marriage by putting it out of it's misery (if only for a while if we did reconcile at the end of this), doing the right thing by him etc. Doesn't mean there isn't sadness - although the void in my emotions is definitely still present - but I'm not full of foreboding as I have been with the marriage struggle for the last couple of years.

[Zippity-Doo-Dah]

One. Day. At. A. Time.