It's so complicated...

[uncertaininlove]

So my first post here. Have read a lot, and am hoping for advice.

 

My husband and I have been together 18 years, married 16. We have 3 kids, 2 with special needs, ages 16, 13, 5. We had a "bonus baby". I'm 36, he's 39.

 

Hubby is sort of "minimally sexual", and on some medication that has made him have no sex drive at all for the last few years. He's trying to get off that medication currently, but it's a very slow process. He's also had 3 diagnosis of cancer, and a lot of complications. Despite that he's "stable", works full time, lives a pretty normal life in between hospital visits and surgeries.

 

I have a high sex drive, need to be touched, and for much of our marriage have felt a lot of "rejection" from him, and finally just gave up, refused to ask for sex because it was such a hot button, and that has only made our sex life worse.

 

2 years ago, in a fit of anger, I went looking for an affair. I really expected to just find a good time, and for it to be quickly over. It's not something I'd ever done before. 2 years later I'm still seeing the same man. I love him, he loves me, he's married, too, with one child.

 

Hubby and I have tried marriage counseling multiple times (at one point for close to a year of weekly visits). Basically he told me he has no interest in sex (although about once every month or 2 he is interested). Sometimes he's super selfish with money. But for the most part he's a good husband, good to the kids, works hard, etc.

 

There have been several opportunities for me to leave over the years, but I've always chosen to stay. Now, I wish I could be with my lover, but can't afford to live on my own (thousands of dollars in H's medical bills still to pay off). And hubby needs the medical insurance, his work doesn't offer it. Also, I work nights, and it's reassuring that our kids are safely cared for.

 

And while my lover has expressed interest in leaving, he hasn't left, but when I said I had a dream of moving to another state, he said that I wouldn't be able to move without him. We talk about what it would be like to be together. But I know he enjoys the naughtiness of having an affair, the idea of breaking the rules turns him on. He's become a huge piece of support for me, and has taught me how to play and taken care of me when I've been the caretaker of everyone for so long.

 

Lover has spoken of wanting to have a long term affair since we met. Although more recently he talks about being with me. But I'm not his first affair. He seems genuine and straightforward when I ask him questions. It's hard to believe that he wouldn't do it again, though. Hard to trust him.

 

I know hubby adores me. He's somewhat aware of the affair, and for the most part just turns a blind eye, although one time he cried and cried. He's supported me though some medical stuff of my own this last year, although my lover has too, taking me to doctor appointments and visiting me in the hospital.

 

Hubby has had one affair that I'm aware of, about 10 years ago. He gave me an STD, which turned into pelvic inflammatory disease, and me in the hospital for 8 days. He's never actually admitted to the affair, wouldn't drive me to dr visits, took the antibiotics he needed, and won't ever speak of it again.

 

Lover's wife is not aware of the affair, as far as I know. I'm pretty sure it would hurt her a lot. We live in the same small community, and have run into each other at 2 different grocery stores, the school, the park, the library...I don't want to hurt her. Even if I already have.

 

There are all different conflicting parts of me. Fix my marriage. Keep the status quo. Run away with lover. But I can't sacrifice my children, want to provide them a stable life. But I also think that I deserve to be happy, too. Most of the time I compartmentalize well, but sometimes I'm conflicted, and it gets especially hard when lover wants to help me with my real life. It's difficult to allow him to cross that boundary.

Edited May 9, 2014 by uncertaininlove

[movingon45]

There are all different conflicting parts of me. Fix my marriage. Keep the status quo. Run away with lover. But I can't sacrifice my children, want to provide them a stable life. But I also think that I deserve to be happy, too. Most of the time I compartmentalize well, but sometimes I'm conflicted, and it gets especially hard when lover wants to help me with my real life. It's difficult to allow him to cross that boundary.

 

Oh I feel your pain. I'm also in a similar situation. I've seen a therapist and now my husband and I use sex toys to fulfill my need, but of course it's not the same as the real thing of my exMM.

 

No future faking and I thought I could compartmentalize as well but as my therapist said women are not designed that way unless we are professionals. We really get emotionally involved. Men can easily detach.

 

I'm in the same boat. Still thinking if I should stay married or not. Easier on my part because we have no kids, but it's still difficult. I have stopped the affair even though I miss him because there's no future and I have fallen for him deeply. He also helps me in my real life and even gives advice.

 

Why don't you see a counselor on your own? If your lover doesn't have plans to leave his marriage then it's best for you to let him go I think. It sounds like he has no intention of leaving. You'd be more hurt if you continue this affair. I know it's easier said than done!

[Artie Lang]

it sounds like this has turned into an "exit" affair for you. if you're so unhappy, you should consider divorcing your husband, rather than treating him this way.

 

furthermore, you do realize that you and this your OM gave exposed this unsuspecting woman to the STD you carry/carried- NOT COOL!

[uncertaininlove]

I started therapy before the affair. She's encouraging me to leave my marriage due to some other issues, but has been huge help in stating the untangling process of my hurts.

 

The std thing was 10 years ago and I have had regular std testing since the affair started. Probably 5 different sets, the most recent was last week at my annual. I would not put someone at risk like that. And they have had sex only 4 or 5 times since I have known him.