I can't even hate her for my own good.

[MassiveAtom]

Just disregard everything I've said. I'm still in love with my ex.

 

I can't for the life of me stop this sadness. I keeps coming back. It's not getting any easier. AT ALL!

 

One minute I think I'm leveling off, only to find two days later I'm a deeper pit of hell than I've ever described. I'm aching all over, feel like dying. Because of her soft voice, and sweet smile. Why are ALL of the good memories so vibrant now. Stirring up guilt and crushing my spirit? Why can't I even recall anything about ANY of the bad stuff she said, did, or lied about. Nothing. I try, but all I get is her softer side, the side I cherished. The person I love, who I just called and asked to tell me.

 

"I need to hear it from your lips," "Tell me it's over."

 

"It is." she said.

 

I'm vibrating now, This

I can't bear this.

 

It has to stop.

 

I can't take THIS. I don't want to go any further toward healing. I just want to stop. I want to stop.

 

Someboady, anybody.

[Israfil]

(((((MA)))))

 

I feel for you - I really do. I know how it is to be in love with someone who doesn't want you.

 

please, please hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You can't see it now, but I can see it for you.

[Mr Spock]

Have you considered getting a perscription for Valium? Something to curb your intense anxeity? Sometimes I wish I had the stuff, when I feel like I want to plunge my head through my work monitor.....

[caer]

"MassiveAtom", I feel for you brother! Sometimes I feel as if I'm in the same situation. My X ended our 11 year marriage because she said that she changed. The change was so significant,after the hysterectomy,that i no longer knew who she was,or what I could do,to keep her attention.

 

We had been so close,for so long,that it seemed that my life revolved around her and our family and home that we had created, and to have it all pulled away so abruptly was like being shell-shocked. I was never given any real reasons for her wanting to end our marriage....just a," it's not you...it's me, I've changed and I need to find myself now!!!"

 

I was in such a daze,that I gave her everything. The only things I got out of the house were my clothes. I did'nt care about any material things. And to be honest, I still don't care.

 

Sometimes,it seems like the woman I married and cared for is starting to come back. Like,when we talk about our son,or simple things like taxes. Every now and again,she slips and calls me "honey",and it's like a kick in the gut. Yet,I want to hear it again.

 

This I know, "MA". I know I still love my X. I'm always going to love her and sometimes I even think,if she asked me to come back, I would. But then again, the adult part of me asks,if she were to ask me to come back,how could I live the rest of my life walking on egg shells,wondering if what I say might be the wrong thing,or if she decides to try and find herself again. I know I could'nt do that to me,and I know I could'nt do it to my son!!

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Israfil

(((((MA)))))

 

I feel for you - I really do. I know how it is to be in love with someone who doesn't want you.

 

please, please hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You can't see it now, but I can see it for you.

 

Watch out, . >I'd< bet it's a locomotive.

 

Damn, I totally see why guys start drinking.

[johan]

Hang in there Massive. You're being extremely hard on yourself. Are you blaming yourself for the whole thing?

[Devildog]

Here's what you do MA, get yourself a penny. Now every time you start having those tender memories of the woman who tore your heart out, stomped it into the razor blades and threw it into a blender full of salt water and hit puree, just stick the penny into an electrical socket. A few times of that and you should be able to not think about good thoughts.

 

Hang in there MA. I feel the way you do too. But it can't work out again. You would be putting yourself in an even worse position than it was before.

[MassiveAtom]

Damn! drinkin helps!

 

No, I'm not blaming myself. I just miss her. She was so sweet sounding on the phone. Even when she said. "it is" everytime I see that face on Match, I get sick! Maybe you guys could PM me and I'll give you her name so you can see what I lost. And tell me if she isn't worth waiting a lifetime for. I'm so friggin lonely I just want her to come home!

 

OR someone else to come by. LOL! I'm sick of this! All these women out here, and I can't feel anything for any of them but one. G**Dammit what on earth did >I< do to make her want to leave? What, she asks me to be more open with how I feel. So I am. Then she holds it against me! WTF!?

 

Yeah, drinkin' helps. Nobody go an start buggin about me drinking. I thelps. I'm not crying anymore.

 

Digger,

 

If only I was one of pavlov's dogs. OH how I wish for that simplicity.

 

I just need to get a girlfriend and I can put this all behind me.

 

MA

[Devildog]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

I just need to get a girlfriend and I can put this all behind me.

 

MA

 

I know that feeling MA. I keep thinking that too. If I just found someone else to share those intimate feelings and moments with I could move on. I would be able to reassure myself that I am not defective. That I wasn't the problem in the marriage. I could have tender, sweet memories with someone else to replace those of my marriage.

 

But everyone says you need to wait. Make sure you are healed before getting back into a relationship. I know what I want in a relationship. I know what I am looking for. If I can find that tomorrow, then why should I wait for a year or so? What if that perfect person I am looking for doesn't want to wait around a year or so for me to be sure I am all healed?

[Yikes]

MA,

 

Many of us have been there. It does sound as though you are being hard on yourself. Talking is good. Therapy is better.

 

They don't call recovery from this stuff a "rollercoaster" for no reason. Try to find something positive to focus on.

 

Hang in there.

[Ladyjane14]

This sounds like anxiety to me. Some days, you post and you sound very upbeat. Then on other days, you sound almost panicky. Can't blame you, but it could be more than just ordinary sadness.

 

Have you seen the doctor about this?

 

One thing I can tell you for sure....self-medicating with alcohol is not going to work over the long haul. Because alcohol is a what?.......Un-huh, a depressant.

 

Get out and get some exercise, hon. You'll feel better when you do. And see the doctor if you think your moods are swinging.

 

[Yikes]

MA,

 

"G**Dammit what on earth did >I< do to make her want to leave?"

 

Maybe nothing at all.

 

It sounds as though maybe the two of you became "emotionally disconnected". It happens. It happens a lot. Therapists claim that when you become totally emotionally disconnected, it's nearly impossible to recover from that. You're going to drive yourself nuts, trying to find a concrete, tangible reason when there may not even be one. It is hard to get past the "why?", but you need to try. I'm speaking from experience here. When you do get to that point you'll gain a sense of inner peace. You may not have the reason that you were looking for, but you learn to accept it.

 

I know you've heard me say this before. "Worry about the things that are in your control and accept the things that you aren't."

 

LJ is right, you seem quite up one moment and down the next. A little alcohol is not so bad so long as you are not depending on it to get through the day (Ron Bacardi helped me through a few rough moments). I think counselling might be of more help for you.

 

It's a process.

[DinNJ]

worth a shot....

 

Prozac... OR the generic version Fluoxetine. Anti-dep. I got on em' just for the hell of it... hated the every other day emotional rollercoast ride I was on.

" Love her, dont' love her... Meet someone else... don't wanna... is she gonna call.... ??? she'll never call.... what is she thinkin??? what am I thinkin... is it over?? should I or shouldn't I throw myself off a bridge???"

 

"Hmmmm... a pill??? Think I'll start lifting weights again.... maybe I'll treat myself to dinner... yea, I miss her... but I think I'll go shoot nine holes on the course... boy I slept great last night... no, I won't check my caller ID...no I won't check my email.... wonder what she's doing? Oops, what am I doing..??? I don't mind being at work today".... etc....

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

everytime I see that face on Match, I get sick!

 

Do you keep on purposefully looking at her profile at Match?

[MassiveAtom]

You're ALL Right.

 

I'm in therapy. I don't depend on the alcohol, I HAVE purposefully sought out her profile, I know BAD CHOICE. It IS anxiety now, but nothing I haven't experienced before. I am terribly sad but I've used that "brave face" to get through the day. It's just when I get back to the house that I start falling apart.

 

My thoughts become whispers and I sometimes hear those familiar sounds. I feel like I'm going crazy in that house. I get immobilized at times, I literally can't do anything but sit and stare, cry, or ball up. . Sometimes feels like I'm being pulled in every direction. I could be in the middle of taping a drywall joint and and then a wave rushes in and I have to get down off the ladder to keep from falling off.

 

I need some human contact, I need to be held. I need to get back my sense of security. People keep saying "You'll be okay," but I'm not so sure now. I'm starting to think this isn't about my ex, or my marriage anymore. I'm starting to think there's something deeper. This loss has triggered something that I'm not aware of. Maybe hidden for years. I don't know.

 

Most of the antidepressants become toxic in my system within a few days. It's not pretty, I have yet to try any more.

 

I'm also starting to feel that my family and friends are tiring of hearing from me. Is there a crisis line for men going through this?

 

Oh wait, this is the US, what am I thinking.?

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by Yikes

MA,

 

"G**Dammit what on earth did >I< do to make her want to leave?"

 

Maybe nothing at all.

 

It sounds as though maybe the two of you became "emotionally disconnected". It happens. It happens a lot. Therapists claim that when you become totally emotionally disconnected, it's nearly impossible to recover from that. You're going to drive yourself nuts, trying to find a concrete, tangible reason when there may not even be one.

 

This is excellent and exactly why I left. When my husband felt like my brother in my heart, I knew it was time to go. He deserved better and so do I. Afterall, how do you get desire back when the other person feels like a sibling? And as my mom said, "Sometimes there is just no going back."

 

Massive Atom, I know that you've said that you are in counseling, but I'm willing to bet my right arm that you aren't eating well (or at all) nor do you get out in the fresh air. As someone suggested, go out and do those things. Force yourself. Get rid of the alcohol. Since you can't tolerate anti-depressants, start taking a multivitamin. Be sure you have plenty of vitamin B (it's a stress vitamin).

 

Is there anyway that you can sell the house . . . or just live somewhere else temporarily?

 

LH

[debilou]

MA,

 

Everything you've said I feel. I won't write that "I just need to be held" because I don't want to look needy or weak.

But I DO want to be held, loved, touched, validated, complemented and appreciated. Unfortunately for me I believe I married a man that isn't capable of any of the things I mentioned. I know that I will be better off without him. I'm scared I'll look for someone just like him to take his place. So I say what's wrong with me, why do I need to be treated so badly by someone who said they loved me?!

 

I'm in counseling too. It helps.

 

I had NO idea there was even a problem this big in my marriage. I have all the same thoughts, feeling, everything that comes from being rejected. Nothing hurts as bad.

 

No answers, just pain. Anti depressants can make a huge difference. Try a different one. Life can be good again!!!

 

I don't have any answers for you just sympathy and an open mind. I don't know where my life is headed but I'll will do with it the best I can.

 

The first thing I do when I sign onto the internet is go to the courts web site to see if my H really did file for a divorce. Sick, huh? He left, he's having the affair, he has low self esteem and I'm the one who is shattered.

 

You have to stop going to match.com, silly. Anti depressants help with that. I'm completely obsessive and I'm very proud of myself for not making a scene, throwing a fit, stalking or going to their job. The prozac keeps me from making a bad choice!

 

Debilou

[blind_otter]

Yeah drinking does help, until the next day when you feel like ass and your boss keeps asking you what's wrong.

 

And you fall asleep at random intervals in front of the computer, and guzzle cola and coffee to keep your buzz going so you can actually function without vomitting/passing out/running out for a beer at lunch.

 

And other people can take up your time. Keep you occupied. But it's not fair to them. Not fair when you wake up thinking fora second that it's that person.....and stop focusing on all the good ****.

 

Oh, MA, I know it hurts. It's good some days and bad some days and I got 10 xanax from my doctor to "help me through a rough time" - course now I have 3 left and I am getting all freaked out again.

[Yikes]

Debilou...

 

"I'm completely obsessive and I'm very proud of myself for not making a scene, throwing a fit, stalking or going to their job. The prozac keeps me from making a bad choice!"

 

It aint just the prozac... give yourself some credit, you're stronger than you think. And so is M.A.

 

The rollercoaster really sucks.

[MassiveAtom]

Lil,

 

Of course I'm eating, Peanut butter, pizza and beer. I had a banana today and a cup of coffee, which I'm nursing.

I've lost 20lbs, from my usual 175, I put a new hole in my belt yesterday. I think you're right. Being in that house is incredibly bad for me. And the work is not doing what I had hoped. It's just not safe anymore.I'm totally preoccupied at my job. I think I need a vacation. Maybe some intensive therapy too. I think my boss is getting tired of this slow down and lack of efficiency.

 

I relied on my ex to contribute while we were together, but now I can't make ends meet. the 15th of the month is a saving grace, cuz my arse is broke! No money for going out, no money for bars to pick up random women on the weekends, otter. no money for vitamin b, right now. But I'll add it to my grocery list when I go next week. What's worse, I don't even have the money for my kids. If only my ex would've thought about the effects of her decision on ALL of us and really looked at the reality of the situation... well then she could've possibly realized that she was being selfish. I gave EVERYTHING to my family. Okay, now I'm getting angry.

 

Deb, thanks. But I AM weakened. I have a huge spear in my chest, and everything I thought was right and valuable is being torn to shreds. I can't do this all on my own. I need help. I need to be held. The ability and willingness to express weakness, is one of my character traits that I really believe is uncommon, incredibly strong, and entirely loveable. There is strength in weakness, power in helplessness, and fullness in solitude.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hey MA-

 

Have you truly examined what you feel to be her reasons for leaving? I too was disconnected from my H. He had neglected me and our marriage for so long that I lost all attraction to him.

 

I love him for what he's been to me in the past- my friend, my husband, my lover, the father of our children but I can never regain the love I had for him before. I don't hate him or wish any ill towards him. He thinks I'm doing this to hurt him but in reality- I'm doing what's best for everyone. I asked him didn't he think that he was worth a wife who truly loved him the way he needed to be?

 

In reality he KNOWS what drove me away. I've told him but he doesn't listen. He's wanted to blame it on my childhood, antidepressants and other men but the real issue is that we wanted separate things out of a marriage. I wanted a husband who wanted to spend time with me and he wanted a sex object who would be waiting for him with her legs open, grateful for any five minutes of attention she got from him that week.

 

Still, even though it was I who wanted the divorce, it's still extremely painful for me. I have massive guilt that I've hurt him the way I know I have. I wonder if he will ever forgive me to the point we can be civil. I feel guilty about what I've done to my kids by trying to be happy for myself. I feel alot of anxiety about what's going to happen. Even though I've found bf it still doesn't alievate these feelings for me. Yes, I'm happy that he is in my life-incredibly so but I still have much pain about the process.

 

The week that I don't have my kids and I don't have plans with bf if he's got his son that apartment is extremely lonely. Nothing much to do because I don't have any money so I understand. Sad.

 

Sent you a PM by the way

[MassiveAtom]

You could be my ex-wife. You sound exactly like she does.

 

the only difference, is that she DOES blame me for her leaving. Poor thing. Can't take full responsibility for her own actions. It's going to hurt when she realizes that..

 

I flatly don't believe that one's happiness is more important than anyone elses in a marriage. The "I" mentality is more often than not the underlying instability. I believe that in a marriage "we" is far too often overlooked. I had trouble adjusting to fatherhood. She had trouble adjusting to being the central part of my support system. We had trouble adjusting to the new house. Sometimes when I look at how well she's coming out of all this, I think the whole thing was engineered.

 

A wonderful person told me recently, That I can't hate her, because I love her.

 

So, I'll figure out how to live with this too. There's plenty of room.

 

 

I have a big heart.

 

MA

[Yikes]

MA,

 

I'm sure that you'll find your comfort zone eventually. Like I said before it's a process. Emotional connection is so important, but I sense you know that already. The whole other side of the coin is maybe, just maybe... we married the wrong person. There I said it. I absolutely LOVE the woman I married. If I could have her back, I'd be a very happy guy. I have a feeling that she'd say the same about me. We were very much in love, but we were young. We didn't feel overly young at the time but we were. To this day I am still terribly in love with the girl that I married, but sadly I finally had to accept the fact that she is gone and she isn't coming back. She has grown into a different person, a person that I like, a person that want to see be happy, but sadly, a person that I have no interest in growing old with - that would be hell on wheels. I didn't figure this out overnight by the way, it took a some time, some tears, some courage and a fair bit of rum.

 

What I'm getting at is this, you can lose the emotional connection WITHOUT ever actually doing anything wrong. Both you and your ex are still growing as people. Sometimes you grow in different directions. It happens. It seems like both you and digger are awfully hard on yourselves trying to hang on to something that is "probably" already long gone. I have been there. Trust me I do know how hard it is to let go and accept the way things are and let go of the way we wish things would be.

 

Sometimes our arms are so full of the past, that we cannot embrace the future. (not my quote by the way, but it fits)

 

Be patient and cut yourself some slack.

[Devildog]

MA, the phone works both ways. Just call and I will call you back if you need to talk. You have friends to help you through this.

[blind_otter]

My exH called me from prison recently. He's coming up on the end of his first year there. It's been 2 years since he left. Initially I hated him and we fought like cats and dogs. After I became pregnant with my exBF's baby we stopped talking altogether. This was the first non-holiday related call I've gotten since last Sept.

 

It's amazing that time has healed many of the wounds, and emotional maturity (and his sobriety) have changed the tenor of our communications. We both still love each other, and lament the end of our relationship....at what point does it become too much water under the bridge? Well regardless my mother always said if you break up with someone once, don't get back together with them as you'll have the same problems.

 

So now, 2 years later, we can have a civil conversation taht doesn't automatically disintegrate into a screaming frenzy. It took a while. There are now positive feelings on both sides, and we both take an equal share of responsibility regarding the demise of our relationship.

 

Time wounds all heals. Oh wait it's the other way around.