I can't even hate her for my own good.

[MassiveAtom]

Way better today!

 

I feel pretty good right now, course there IS the knowing of what's coming as soon as I start to feel really good. You all really helped me through the last two days. For that I'm truly grateful. I wrote the original post in tears. Literally, That last line took forever to write. After I hit submit, I curled up in a ball, and stared at the closet that I built especially large for my ex. I looked at the custom shelves, ran my eyes along the custom rods, installed at the perfect height for her 5'1" frame. And I cried even more. That hour felt like forever.

 

But tthose first few posts, those first few hands reaching over to comfort me, were like the first effects of strong medicine. I was crashing hard folks, sinking fast. Then the others rolled in, the cavalry. The armies of all my compatriots in the world of devastated dreams, and squandered possibility. MY tribe of broken hearts came to stand at my side. You all can't imagine how thankful I am for you being here.

 

Thank you.

 

again

 

MA

[Yikes]

MA,

 

I for one am really glad to hear that you're way better today!

 

We all crash - believe me. When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!

 

Hang in there.

[Lil Honey]

I SOOOO could have written most of what Mz Pixie wrote. (I deleted only the parts that didn't pertain to me.) Otherwise, her post is RIGHT ON THE MONEY and I feel that she and I are not the ONLY two women who feel this way. She has summed up what I've been trying to tell these hurt guys on this board over the last couple months.

 

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

Hey MA-

 

Have you truly examined what you feel to be her reasons for leaving? I too was disconnected from my H. He had neglected me and our marriage for so long that I lost all attraction to him.

 

I love him for what he's been to me in the past- my friend, my husband, my lover, the father of our children but I can never regain the love I had for him before. I don't hate him or wish any ill towards him. He thinks I'm doing this to hurt him but in reality- I'm doing what's best for everyone. I asked him didn't he think that he was worth a wife who truly loved him the way he needed to be?

 

In reality he KNOWS what drove me away. I've told him but he doesn't listen. I wanted a husband who wanted to spend time with me.

 

Still, even though it was I who wanted the divorce, it's still extremely painful for me. I have massive guilt that I've hurt him the way I know I have. I wonder if he will ever forgive me. I feel guilty about what I've done to my kids by trying to be happy for myself. I feel alot of anxiety. Even though I've found bf it still doesn't alievate these feelings for me. Yes, I'm happy that he is in my life-incredibly so but I still have much pain about the process.

 

I don't have any money so I understand. Sad.

 

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

I flatly don't believe that one's happiness is more important than anyone elses in a marriage.

I used to believe the same thing . . . that was until I was in an unhappy marriage for 24 years and it wasn't getting any better.

 

The "I" mentality is more often than not the underlying instability. I believe that in a marriage "we" is far too often overlooked.

For 99.9% of those married years, I did NOT have the "I mentality." Everyone's wants and needs came before mine. I went without things to be sure hubby and the kids had what they needed and wanted. And you know what? NO ONE noticed. I was the ultimate martyr.

 

In my situation, there were a few big issues and a LOT of little issues that I would try to put out of my mind. I TOLD him that I got married to SHARE my life. What part of that says, "It's all about ME?"

 

I am a VERY low-maintenance girl, but one of the little straws that broke the camel's back was when I went over six weeks with bad brakes on my car. He knew it. He knows how to fix them. He was unemployed at the time. He chose instead to make a wooden cupholder for his truck. I paid to have my brakes fixed. One week later, his SIL called to say that her hubby was fishing and could my hubby fix her brakes. He said, "I'll be over Saturday."

 

Yep . . . it was ALL about ME.

 

(Edited to add: I'm sorry. That just hit a nerve that must still be a bit tender. I'm sorry, I didn't intend for that to sound bitchy.)

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

I SOOOO could have written most of what Mz Pixie wrote. (I deleted only the parts that didn't pertain to me.) Otherwise, her post is RIGHT ON THE MONEY and I feel that she and I are not the ONLY two women who feel this way. She has summed up what I've been trying to tell these hurt guys on this board over the last couple months.

 

To say, imply, or allude to the idea that there was ANY neglect in my marriage is just incorrect. There was trouble, lack of communication, but not neglect.

 

It was I who wanted to spend time, from the beginning, It was I who wanted to reconnect, when we got distant, look at my other posts. It's all there. I know I got angry sometimes, I know I brooded, and told her that something she did or said hurt me. I know that I didn't just give in all the time. I know that I didn't smother her. I know I was attentive, I know I was doing what I promised. I don't buy the "I just fell out of love, " argument. I think it's a fantasy that too many women hold about their partner.

 

I HAD to work outside of the home to afford the house she wanted, I had to sleep sometimes, and YEs, a crying baby in the middle of the night tried my patience. BUt you know what, a partner should be there with your well-being in mind, and support and help you with difficult situations. AS I did for her. That's what I believe. She wasn't. EVER. When it got difficult, she blamed me for her unhappiness and left.

 

A friend told me the other day, "There are millions of us women out there looking for one like you. Too bad the one who had you abused your kindness."

 

She was right.

 

I'm going with that.

 

In no way is this thing a reflection on anything about me. This is about my ex and her inability to cherish what she has.

 

I think people leave marriages for two reasons, Danger, or weakness.

 

My ex was certainly NOT in danger.

 

MA

[Lil Honey]

Massive Atom,

 

I, in NO WAY, even suggested that you neglected your marriage. I simply said that what Mz Pixie said is how MANY women feel. I don't think she and I are the only two souls in the universe that share these feelings. I've only mentioned it - and maybe Mz Pixie did as well - to help SOMEONE understand that leaving someone isn't all roses. Those of us who leave are NOT basking in some sort of weird glory.

 

I read your other posts.

 

As far as women falling out of love, whether you "buy" it or not, it happens. I don't necessarily believe in miracles, but that doesn't mean that they don't happen. It seems that you don't like the "excuse" that women fall out of love, which precipitates leaving. At the same time, I'm sure that there are women out there that don't like whatever excuse a man has for cheating . . . At any rate, I don't know many guys who would rather their wife stay and fake it for the next 40 years. Unless, the guy is needy or something. (Hmphf! That makes me think of my dad, who couldn't even make a boloney sandwich without Mom's help . . .)

 

BTW, I feel the same way being labeled "in danger" or "weak" because I left as you did when misunderstanding my quote. I was not in danger nor am I weak. As far as I'm concerned, I have been strong to last this long. I was strong to finally be able to get the courage to leave.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

BTW, I feel the same way being labeled "in danger" or "weak" because I left as you did when misunderstanding my quote. I was not in danger nor am I weak. As far as I'm concerned, I have been strong to last this long. I was strong to finally be able to get the courage to leave.

 

That does take courage. You're right. The way I see it, is there is stregnth in every honest decision. And there is also weakness. Your ex was weak for not showing you his appreciation, and you were strong to hang in there. For me, I would hang in there til I could do no more, then I would think about how to adjust to the realities of the situation and still honor my commitment. In my opinion, it's a weakness to walk away from a commitment. Any commitment. But like I said, there is stregnth in weakness.

 

Please don't be angry.

 

 

MA

[Yikes]

It isn't always neglect anyway that causes emotional disconnection.

 

I am sure that I missed some hints. I am sure that I there were times when I wasn't listening as intently as I could have. I was working a lot, nearly 2 full-time jobs as a matter of fact. But I was doing the things that I felt were important for the well being of my family.

 

My wife was either unemployed or worked part time for a good part of our marriage. She absolutely hated our home wanted a bigger and better one as some of our friends moved to larger homes. I was not in favor of doing this when she wanted to because financially, it just was not a good idea for us at that time. She began to pull away and the walls started going up. In the meantime I had the opportunity to do take on some extra work that would put us in the position to make the move. The best part was I could do this work from home, so I was still able to spend time with the kids, have supper with the family, tuck the kids into bed AND still do this extra work. I knew way back then that my wife was pulling away. I'd ask why, and she always had a reason. "I feel guilty that you are working so hard", "I feel like I am not contributing enough", "I'm unhappy with my weight". I accepted these reasons even telling her that the ONLY way that I could even do the extra work is because she was picking up some of the slack around the house, jobs that I usually do like mowing the lawn etc. Maybe she wasn't bringing in much financially, but I never felt that she wasn't contributing what she could. Anyway to make a really long and painful story a little shorter, while I was busting my tail so we could "safely and responsibly" move to a bigger and better home (that we both wanted), she kept pulling away and the walls got higher. All during this time she was also began an affair with my best friend. He worked shifts and when she was working, she worked shifts, even switching her shifts so they were off at the same time. I found out about the affair, she promised to do whatever it took to make the marriage work. Against my better judgment we moved to the bigger better home, and I was gambling that a "new start" would do the trick. It didn't. She kept the affair going and I pulled the plug.

 

The hard part for me is when I did have some down time and wanted to do something WITH her, she didn't want to. She'd continually tell me to go golfing or something that she wouldn't be a part of. Damn it if I wanted to go golfing, I'd go golfing! I WANTED an relationship. I have stacks of letters that I wrote her trying to figure out what was really wrong. I only found out about her affair by accident.

 

Am I perfect? No way, I've never claimed to be. I am positive that I missed some hints. I am sure that there were times that I didn't listen intently. I was tired, working 2 jobs was tough and hard on my health. But I knew something was wrong and I kept asking with no avail. I am not an abuser, a heavy drinker, a gambler nor a womanizer. I was just a honest, hardworking dad and faithful husband... and you know the last time I checked those were pretty good qualities.

[Lil Honey]

There is no doubt that a relationship can only survive if BOTH people take their share of responsibility and communicate.

 

It really does no good to point fingers. (I'm NOT saying anyone hear is.) What I am trying to say is that the whole reason for being here is to try to understand what went wrong and avoid the same in the future.

 

Needless to say, no person is perfect and there are two sides to every story. I wish that spouses really would "come clean" with the issues - if not before they leave, then after - so that the other can deal with it and move on.

 

Of course, there is the case of the guy where I work who asked his wife why she was leaving and she said, "I got everything I wanted. Now I'm done with you." I'm not sure how many people - men or women - can be THAT cold. I think most angonize over the decision. Afterall, no one gets married (except this guy's wife) wanting or planning a divorce.

 

I don't know what the solution is. It could be as "simple" as folks waiting until they are older to marry. I know what it's like to feel some sort of inadequacy and not be able to verbalize it. Hmmm . . . I thought men had this problem. (Excuse the over-generalization.)

 

I understand that (over generalizing again) men equate working hard as showing their love. That's great, however, like I said in a different thread, there needs to be balance. Some of us women work just as hard as our husbands and STILL try to make time for them. To some of us women, when a man overworks we start thinking that he loves his work more. Some of us women, didn't get married to be rich and famous, but to love and be loved. Unfortunately, we don't end up feeling that way.

 

As I said in my opening sentence, BOTH people have to take responsibility for the relationship and the communication. When communication is failing, the next responsible step is counseling BEFORE it's too late.

[Mz. Pixie]

Lil Honey- so well put!!!! Thank you for understanding what I was trying to say.

 

MA honey- you know I care about you- I wasn't trying to imply you neglected your wife at all. I'm just asking if you examined the reasons. Could be that she was just a uncaring, undeserving person. It could happen that way.

 

It's not that way for me. I love my H and devoted myself fully to him and our marriage for 12 1/2 years. Then through a series of events in my life that ended with my beloved Grandmother passing away well, it just did something to me. The only person in the world who had ever put me first had left this earth and what other did I have except my kids? A husband who never took my needs seriously even when I said, "I AM GOING TO LEAVE YOU IF YOU DON"T START STAYING HOME AND TREATING ME RIGHT" I had stayed even when our finances were unmanageable, I had stayed when he worked long hours to support our family, I stayed through alot of things over all those years, trust me. I persisted in loving him because I'd made a committment to do so. In all our years of marriage I never called him a bad name, never slapped him, never told him I hated him or didn't love him. We never went to bed angry at each other- and I never said I would leave him until that one time above.

 

He was so selfish that he stayed on a fishing trip after they told me I needed a Amnio because they were almost sure my child had Down's Syndrome.

 

Yikes- you sound alot like my bf and what he's gone through. When he got married, he thought it was forever. They started a family after a year. They had some medical bills because the child had a cleft palate. They had student loans. He worked two jobs to help pay these off. She worked one. Still he was home when he wasn't working except for an occasional golf game. She built up resentment that he worked two jobs but would never say so when he asked. She wouldn't ever make love and he would ask her what was wrong and she would say nothing, she was tired, stressed etc. She sure didn't mind the extra money he was bringing in to help pay off bills and give her a little extra every month. She appeared stressed out so every Saturday night he would keep their son for her to go out with her "friends" . That meant no date nights. Some nights she wouldn't come home at all and he would haul their son out to look for her afraid she had gotten killed. Finally he insisted on counseling and she said it was the job issue and that she didn't love him anymore. Turns out she'd had a boyfriend for 18 months- ended up pregnant by the guy before their divorce was final. They were only married three years. Bless his heart, I don't know how he could trust another woman (me) after that.

 

Some women are just not worth the breath flowing through their bodies. Just like some men. Sounds like you both- MA and Yikes got one of them.

[Yikes]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I don't know how he could trust another woman (me) after that.

 

That is sort of where I am at. I have worked hard and read LOTS to try to find closure. Part of the closure is trying to understand what happened... a postmortem if you like. I would rather be alone, then go down that road again, it just hurts too much. At this point I am attempting to figure out how to let someone close again. Been on a few dates... nothing I was interested in pursuing. There is another that I have been speaking with, but she lives a couple hours away and we still have not gone out yet. She seems nice, has been through a fairly similar thing, but I am petrified of letting anyone in.

 

Just for the record, my ex is not a monster. I am quite sure that she has some manic depression issues (lots of symptoms). I understand the whole feelings thing. At this point why she became disconnected is irrelavent. She did. She developed feelings for my friend. I understand this. What I am disappointed in, is that she put her energies into this other man rather than be honest with me when I would try to find out what was wrong. To this day, she says that I did nothing wrong and just did what I thought was right. Yes I worked hard, I did so because I had to. At NO TIME did she EVER say I was working too much. As a matter of fact, she was quite happy to trot off to the bank with checks. I miss the girl I married. I had to face the fact that she is gone. Time to get past it.

 

I want her to be happy and I do care for her, but I care from an arms length away. It's safer that way.

 

It's great to hear comments from the fairer sex.

[MassiveAtom]

FAIRER SEX!?!? : There's NOTHING fair about a woman! present company excluded, of course.

 

I have to commend the women here on LoveShack though. Y'all seem to have good heads on your shoulders, even though we disagree on some stuff. I hope I can find someone like you all and be able to let her in. Honestly though, I think that would be a great thread in and of itself.

 

Yikes, I would be really interested to discuss the learning to trust aspect for guys. I really can't see myself EVER entertaining the thought of marriage again. Not so sure about a steady gf either. I know I can't let my "not-worth-the-breath-going-through-her" ex -brilliant Pix, brilliant- do that to me, so I need to start discussing it right away..

 

Let's take this discussion of trust to a new thread, It's REALLY interesting.

 

Please?

 

ma

[Yikes]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

Yikes, I would be really interested to discuss the learning to trust aspect for guys. I really can't see myself EVER entertaining the thought of marriage again. Not so sure about a steady gf either. I know I can't let my "not-worth-the-breath-going-through-her" ex -brilliant Pix, brilliant- do that to me, so I need to start discussing it right away..

 

Let's take this discussion of trust to a new thread, It's REALLY interesting.

 

Please?

 

ma

 

Uhhhh.... No.

 

Well okay.

 

I'll start one shortly unless you beat me to it.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

FAIRER SEX!?!? : There's NOTHING fair about a woman! present company excluded, of course.

 

I have to commend the women here on LoveShack though. Y'all seem to have good heads on your shoulders, even though we disagree on some stuff. I hope I can find someone like you all and be able to let her in. Honestly though, I think that would be a great thread in and of itself.

 

Yikes, I would be really interested to discuss the learning to trust aspect for guys. I really can't see myself EVER entertaining the thought of marriage again. Not so sure about a steady gf either. I know I can't let my "not-worth-the-breath-going-through-her" ex -brilliant Pix, brilliant- do that to me, so I need to start discussing it right away..

 

Let's take this discussion of trust to a new thread, It's REALLY interesting.

 

Please?

 

ma

 

Well where is it? Cause as Jerry Blank says, "I GOT SOMETHIN TA SAY!"

[Devildog]

Blind Otter, It's the "I hear you knockin but you can't come in" thread.

[Mz. Pixie]

MA- thanks for the compliment.