wind willow Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 One of my BF was telling me today that if I do not respond to her she will keep coming at me. She will show up at my house or in the gym and confront me. I will admit that I was a little worried once I realize she must have been there today. My friend was telling me to message her and say that I am truly sorry and that my H knows and we are working on our family and that I suggest that she works on her own. If she keeps messaging me that I will contact the police for harassment. I just feel like contacting her will be putting gas on the fire.......I do not know her and do not know if she will come at me or not. This could just be her hurt. I am also a little upset that all her anger seems to be at me. I understand that she has every right to be angry at me but, it took two of us. He was not innocent. Truly, I have no idea how things are between them and maybe she is being hard on him as well.....it just seems like I am the only evil one. Don't say the stuff in bold to her. Advising her what to do and threatening with the cops will just cause drama. Leave it alone for now. If she doesn't contact you again, great. If she does, and you want her to go away, then just tell her she's right and apologize. Even if you don't agree. Let her feel validated so she'll leave you alone. I have the same question as whichwayisup. Is there not another gym in town? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Don't say the stuff in bold to her. Advising her what to do and threatening with the cops will just cause drama. Leave it alone for now. If she doesn't contact you again, great. If she does, and you want her to go away, then just tell her she's right and apologize. Even if you don't agree. Let her feel validated so she'll leave you alone. I have the same question as whichwayisup. Is there not another gym in town? Lucy comes across as a good person who is truely looking to find her way through this mess with minimal damage. However like most waywards she isn't going all the way. Sure she could go to another gym, she doesn't want to. She knows its her only chance at guilt free contact with OM so she takes it. Down the line once she is truely honest with herself I believe she will see this. She has excuses that in her mind are legit, IE extra costs of other gyms, not feeling she needs to change her lifestyle etc. All just shows that she continues the wayward mindset. If she was truely in a place to work on her marriage the changes would seem minor. Lucy, I'm pulling for you, but you need to get honest. Ask yourself, how would you feel about your husband making daily trips to the strip club at this point? That gym was the birthplace of your A, should it be a part of your daily life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucygolds Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 It has been awhile since I posted. I just needed a break. I have been working some at a rec center and interning at a different gym. Since I have last posted, I have ran into my exMOM a few times. He would walk up behind me at the gym then turn and walk away. He would come up to the bench the I was working on and start moving weights around. I would ingore him and he would walk away. After, receiving another message from his wife, threatening to tell my H, I did sit down next to him one day and told him that my H knew everything. He asked if I was ok and if my kids knew. He told me he was moved out for a little bit and they were not dealing with things.....I said it was the same for us. Before leaving he said, "I still want you to be a part of my life. It is just hard." I decided, we the help of the therapist I had been seeing, to write him a letter. I never got to say goodbye and there was no closure for me. I had told him this in the letter. I told him a little about what had happened wIth my H and how I was not sure we could fix this. I told him his behavior and words were very confusing to me and if we were saying goodbye then we needed to say it and close the door. It was awhile before I was able to give it to him. A day later he created a new email, made sure I knew it was work only and there would be no prying eyes.I kind of got the feeling he was trying to get me to ask to continue. He told me how much he missed me. Just laying with me and being silly. He said he was afarid of losing his family and felt terrible for hurting his W. He asked what it was I was confused about. Since he no longer had the letter.....he had forgotten. I told him everything but his behavior and words were confusing and I did not know what it was he wanted...... He responded by saying he wanted to say I would always be in his heart, how much it all ment to him and it was never about sex. How amazing I am and lucky he was to be close to me. He said he wanted to say goodbye but he was in tears and it was so hard.He also said he was confused. I responded by saying that it was very hard and as much as I hated it saying goodbye is what we should do. He responded by saying much of what he said in the last email. He told me how beautiful and wonderful I was. Told me I was a goddess and to never forget it. Told me I would have his heart for the rest of his life and he would always miss me. Then said he did not want to but he had to say goodbye. I responded much the same. I told him I loved him enough to walk away and be the perfect stranger. About a week and a half later I did see him at the gym. I paid him no attention. I could see in the mirror that he was just wondering around. Then, sat on a bench, not working out just sitting for seriously 5 minutes. The next day I got an email. He asked me not to respond and it said he could not die without it being said that he loved me. He said he did not want to confuse me and nothing could change. He said he loved me for a long time. He tried not to let it happen but I was so adorable and it was hard not to fall in love with me. I did not respond and have not run into him since. Then last week I got another message from his W. She said she had clothes of mine and had seen me in the parking lot of the gym and accused me of watching them. She said she did not believe I told my H and that I would never know when she would go to him. She also said I was not wonderful or beautiful (I wondered if she read the emails but since she did not reference the love stuff. .. maybe not. Then, I wondered if he said those things to her since that was his excat words to me) Anyway, I decided it was time to finally respond to her. I could not have he continue to threatening me and at this point she was making stuff up. I did not want to be mean or accuse her of anything. So with the help of a few friends, I wrote her and I had been reluctant because I knew nothing I could say would change anything. That she had ever right to hate me. That my H hated he H very much as well. Yes my H knows and has since her first message to me. I made sure to say several times that her H and I made this mistake, that we both hurt our families. I said I was sorry and was suffering the consequences. That her H and I said goodbye and agreed acting as strangers was best and that was what I was doing. That the clothes were not mine and yes I am sure she saw me in the gym parking lot because I was a member there and was there often. I told I was leaving her H and family alone and would appreciate she do the same. Not for me but for my H and kids as we tried to pick up the pieces of what her H and I broke and there was no reason for her and I to continue contact and I would not respond to any more messages. She respond by saying that all she wanted was for me to show remorse. That it was said that as long as we both lived here our paths would cross. Our kids would go to the same schools. She was not supposed to have enemies here and lie and deception in her home. As for my H and I, he has admitted to going to strip clubs, only a few times and even once alone. He admitted to getting lap dances and kissing mouths and breasts. Since there have been so many lies.....I just don't know when the truth telling will end. We dont trust one another and both are so hurt. I really dont know what will happen. I have not seen exMOM since his I love you email. I am very sad knowing we love one another but because he is afarid of losing his kids he stays. I do plan on being the perfect stranger. I have had such a hard time and have been so tempted to email him but I have not and will not. Unless, he is willing to leave there is nothing to say..... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Lacy, this may seem harsh but I don't believe a word of what your saying about why your thinking about leaving the marriage. This is all about clearing a path to your AP. Your searching for a reason to leave. I want to PM you a story of a woman I met along the way. Lacy my lady posted this at the start of this thread, and finally the truth comes out. You are in fact searching for a reason to leave your husband, and drawing concludions from your words would do so in a heartbeat should MOM decide to leave his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 I am confused myself about what you've actually said to him. It sounds you kept agreeing to break it off, that saying goodbye was the right thing to do etc but then at the very end of your update, you said you have nothing to say unless he's willing to leave. Have you ever actually told him you want to leave your spouses & be together? Men aren't mind readers you know (and IME not usually terribly perceptive either). That said, overall, it really just sound like you need/want to get out of your own unhealthy M and spend some time getting yourself on the path you want to be on. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) I am very sad knowing we love one another but because he is afarid of losing his kids he stays. sounds to me like you're still romanticizing the affair. you fail to take the necessary steps to extricate yourself from this situation because you hold a glimmer of hope that he will indeed leave his wife so you two can ride off into the sunset. if you can't see that he's still stringing you along, you're very naive. there is no way for you to recover your marriage while there is so much distrust and resentment between you and your husband- simple as that! Edited July 25, 2014 by Artie Lang Link to post Share on other sites
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