Hattie Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Dazed & confused. Long story short, I have been married nearly 25 years. My husbands sexual tendencies (porn) have been intertwined and engrained the entire time. I have gone through many phases of acceptance, tolerance, disapproval over the years. At this particular phase, I am just tired of it. I don't like it. I thought it would taper off; in my mind I thought he would outgrow it. I have finally just put my foot down...which is hard because I am a push over. At any rate, I know porn is a touchy topic. I am not here to tell anyone if they should or should not partake. I am just saying that for me personally, I choose No Porn. This is really inconvenient in my relationship and possibly a deal breaker. I am posting this thread to get feedback from others that have been on the brink of marital destruction or have just full-on ended a marriage because of porn or sexual incompatibility. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 A bit more information please. How does his use of porn affect your relationship or sex life? If he's unable to please you or asks things of you that you're uncomfortable with, talk to him. If he can't find the understanding for your needs and concerns, then yeah, I think it may be a dealbreaker as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I've read your threads, Hattie, and I'm really glad you're putting your foot down. You deserve better. Many hugs and good luck. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hattie Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 A bit more information please. How does his use of porn affect your relationship or sex life? If he's unable to please you or asks things of you that you're uncomfortable with, talk to him. If he can't find the understanding for your needs and concerns, then yeah, I think it may be a dealbreaker as well. He knows how I feel. But he also knows I am all about keeping the peace and making sure everyone else is 'happy' and content. So he has pushed the envelope...and I allowed it. After entering his inter-sanctum of porn....I realized how much I dislike it and how insidious it truly was in my marriage. So I drew some limits. I was a bit wishy-washy about it....it was a start. There was some push back. But still porn use-age. I set harder limits. He said ok. He would work on it. I didn't know if he really was or just being sneakier since I have divulged all my ways of knowing when he's using. More conflict. More limits. I think he is being better. But....he says he doesn't have an issue with it. If so, why not just stop? He says he isn't doing it, but I have a sense he is. If I wouldn't have made this choice...he would not have ever stopped. This is my issue not his. Apparently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hattie Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 Sorry...had to cut off. So now for whatever reason I am almost obsessive about porn. I am having a hard time moving away from all the past ridiculous porn experiences I have caught him in or participated in. I lack trust in him...which is not completely unjustified. He spins this all around on me...he tells me I am mean and he's damned no matter what...because he swears he is not doing it but I still accuse or assume he is. We go round and round, and I can't tell him that I really think he's lying. He makes me feel embarrassed that I snoop. But I do. And if he's not doing it, why is he still clearing his browsing history. If he's not doing it, then why do his porn words pop up on his frequently used words list on his tablet still? If he's not doing it, why does he run the shower for 10 minutes when he's not even in the shower? He tells me I am unstable-paranoid and insecure...and yes I am! But do you not think his behavior has helped push me to the brink of insanity? I just don't what to do...I don't know that this can be salvaged. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 And if he's not doing it, why is he still clearing his browsing history. Don't doubt yourself. You are getting gas lighted into thinking you are crazy. He's deleting the browsing history because he doesn't want you to see it. Simple as that. If he wasn't looking at stuff he promised he wouldn't, then there would be no reason to delete the browsing history. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Alright, the way I see it your husband's lying to you over and over. Nobody is that sneaky on his home computer/tablet/what other devices you may have nearby. Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 ((((((Hugs for Hattie))))) When I was 21 I ended an engagement/live-in situation with my LTR because of a multitude of things. At the forefront was his choice of porn over sex with me. It was devastating thinking (*knowing*) my man didn't find me sexually attractive. Maddening!! I was gorgeous, maybe a bit too thin from stress and trying to be perfect so he'd "love" me again. Once I was free of him, I began going out, having fun, getting that confidence back that I'd lost over years of stress and insecurity. You can do this Hattie. Get your ducks in a row, and leave. Stay strong. Come here for support. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 He tells me I am unstable-paranoid and insecure...and yes I am! But do you not think his behavior has helped push me to the brink of insanity? This is classic gas lighting. Everything is screaming "something is wrong" to you but your husband plays it out like "All this is totally normal. There is something wrong with you." Don't allow him to manipulate you. You know something is wrong because SOMETHING IS WRONG!!!! It's not paranoia when what you think is happening IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 In case you're unaware, Hattie's husband, like Candy_Pants fiancé, is choosing the porn over her. It's not just that he loves porn, it's that he can't make love to is own wife. All of this, in his opinion, is her problem. As you were... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 In case you're unaware, Hattie's husband, like Candy_Pants fiancé, is choosing the porn over her. It's not just that he loves porn, it's that he can't make love to is own wife. All of this, in his opinion, is her problem. As you were... It's absolutely an addiction. Others may water it down, but he's addicted and can't stop. Totally unacceptable in terms of how he allows it to affect his relationship with his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hattie Posted May 10, 2014 Author Share Posted May 10, 2014 I'm weak.....weak weak weak! Uhg! Maybe a little stupid too! Can I please have a do-over of last night!? Must return to placing ducks in rows. Link to post Share on other sites
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