Friend is Talking to Me Again

[Tailor2000]

Remember me? Im the one with a married female friend who I was attracted to, we meet twice a week in a sort of social group. I wouldn't take it any further than attraction unless she was single, which she isn't.

 

But she started acting weird around me, at first I thought she was getting a bit too friendly then she backed right off, could hardly look me in the fact or initiate conversation, but would be polite and respond and would talk on Facebook - not by posting any comments, but say I mentioned her name in a post without tagging her, she would make a comment on that one update of several. I did wonder if she was Facebook stalking me.

 

Frankly some of the thoughts here I think don't hold water.

 

Her husband is friendly with me, she talks to me on Facebook, she just avoids me in real life.

 

Up until a few days ago! She started talking to me again! Seriously, out the blue, a complete flip again, she starts talking to me like Im her best friend.

 

My behaviour has been the same from before til now, respectful, polite. What's going on? Thankfully her talking is actually helping me move her into the friend-zone. So that's good.

 

Do you still think that she thinks I like her, or could there be, as I've said all along, something else? When I've met her husband, we've got on really well! It's either in my head, or there's something in hers.

[preraph]

I think you have an unhealthy interest in a married woman and are manipulating both her and her husband to keep her talking to you.

[Tailor2000]

You know what Preraph, you're not worth it.

Edited May 9, 2014 by Tailor2000

[Atticus9292012]

She definitely might think you still like her. I would tread lightly. She may be being friendly just because. Sometimes people have their own stuff going on and their interaction with others has nothing to do with anything but themselves. If you are genuinely interested in just being friends with this person let her initiate and come to you. If you had expressed a romantic interest in her in the past than it makes it even more crucial to let her come to you. When she does be friendly and courteous. Think of how you would behave around a sister or a classmate you are not attracted to. I know if I was happily married I would avoid a man that I knew was interested in me for fear of leading him on. Honestly any advance you might make could be misinterpreted if you expressed your interest. Overall you need to not read into it. If you are interested in more, which I have a feeling you are from the tone of your post....you need to stay from this person. The human mind is a tricky thing and we see what we want to. We easily take any indication as a sign of what we want and you will think her friendliness or lack there of is a sign of romantic interest when it doesn't mean anything. I know because I have been guilty of doing this. Its human nature. We are positive creatures, but you have to take control of yourself and remove yourself from the situation. Its just going to be a roller coaster emotionally and in essence its torture.

[CarrieT]

You know what Preraph, you're not worth it.

 

I think Preraph is right....

[Tailor2000]

She definitely might think you still like her. I would tread lightly. She may be being friendly just because. Sometimes people have their own stuff going on and their interaction with others has nothing to do with anything but themselves. If you are genuinely interested in just being friends with this person let her initiate and come to you. If you had expressed a romantic interest in her in the past than it makes it even more crucial to let her come to you. When she does be friendly and courteous. Think of how you would behave around a sister or a classmate you are not attracted to. I know if I was happily married I would avoid a man that I knew was interested in me for fear of leading him on. Honestly any advance you might make could be misinterpreted if you expressed your interest. Overall you need to not read into it. If you are interested in more, which I have a feeling you are from the tone of your post....you need to stay from this person. The human mind is a tricky thing and we see what we want to. We easily take any indication as a sign of what we want and you will think her friendliness or lack there of is a sign of romantic interest when it doesn't mean anything. I know because I have been guilty of doing this. Its human nature. We are positive creatures, but you have to take control of yourself and remove yourself from the situation. Its just going to be a roller coaster emotionally and in essence its torture.

 

Thanks Atticus.

 

I've never expressed any romantic interest to her. I've come here being honest. Im not even necessarily expressing a romantic interest here. I don't really know the first thing about her. Do I think she's attractive? Yes. But that's as far as it can go.

 

I wish I had never said that in the first place, because it was a brief moment in an increasing friendship. Now whenever I say anything, people think my motives come from sex. But that's not what I want at all. She like many of the many married women Im friendly with, she's attractive, and the fact that she is talking helps my mind actually move her to the friend-zone. Believe it or not, being able to talk to someone as a friend really helps me see that person as a friend.

 

I see her a couple of times a week, and like the others I see a couple of times a week, I think a lot of them.

 

What did it for me, is that things were friendly and going well, she became what I considered a little too friendly, she then backed off completely, and now she's talking to me like nothing happened. Im left reeling and wondering what happened.

 

Im quite annoyed at what Preraph said. Im not a manipulative person at all. This woman said she'd help me on a task, several months later, nothing. I just want to forget about it now and leave it to fizzle out. But she came to me and told me she still wants to help but doesn't know when yet.

 

I have been respectful of her and her husband, kept myself to myself, been polite, courteous, friendly, tried to throw the odd breadcrumb in when I can like distant friends do. I can't say I've manipulated them because I haven't really spoken to them unless they've spoken to me. But they're both talking to me and including me now. So that's good, I would like to start initiating myself now. Just keep things small.

[preraph]

You don't want to hear the truth. You want validation that what you're doing is reasonable and might work.

[whichwayisup]

Because you're attracted to her and she is aware of it, there's now a good chance that she is selfishly taking advantage of this. You have to be aware that the 'friendship' is not 100% pure and platonic. If you had kept it to yourself and she was unaware of how you felt about her this would be just your problem but because she knows, there's always going to be a bit of weirdness between you two.

 

I say just focus on your other friends and not so much on her and her husband.

[jbelle6]

I could not respect myself if I was discussing and worrying about a married man this way. If you have any respect for other people leave this woman alone. She talks to you on Facebook because it's just Facebook comments.

 

Why would you ever ever ever want to be with a woman of so little character unless yours was just as low.

 

I couldn't do that to another woman, even if I didn't know her at all.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Get some integrity and self respect. She is married, end of story.

[Tailor2000]

Thanks whichwayisup. I think that's probably a bit more accurate. Im curious about the "selfishly taking advantage of that" and how that can present itself?

 

Everyone else would have a point, if it wasn't for the fact that you know what, I want to nip this in the bud myself and just try and get a good friendship going. There's also the fact I have left them alone, no one has told her anything so Im not sure how she "knows", and if it wasn't for the fact that she has approached me to talk to me face to face, not just on facebook. I haven't approached her.

 

I actually don't know what to do around people who act like my best friend one minute then ignore me for months. I'd rather keep people like that at arms length. If it wasn't for her acting like my best friend, my plan to focus on the friends I know I have, would have been in progress.

 

This sort of inconsistent behaviour throws me. I doubt myself. I wonder if its just in my head, maybe there's nothing going on, maybe I should take her at face value. I don't want to throw away a potentially good friendship due to a misunderstanding.

 

As she became friendlier recently, I did ask if I had done anything wrong, but she was very shocked by this and really defended me, saying that I have not done anything at all and she is just busy. She apologised. She even raised the topic of help I asked for before all this started, she said that she's still busy but she still wants to help. I'd rather just forget it because it's gone on too long! I thought it was forgotten until she mentioned it.

 

Tell me Im manipulative all you want or that I should leave her alone. Im happy that Im not manipulative and have left them alone. They both have come to me. I just want to forget this because it's messing with my mind and I don't like it.

[todreaminblue]

the only way you can stop this from messing with your mind is to realize that it doesn't matter .......that you wont know what she thinks or feels exactly unless she comes out exactly and says it point blank.....to me...she is married so you shouldnt think about her or what she feels think about the husbands thoughts about his wife and realize triangles are not meant for people to have relationships in...........keep it courteous and polite never rude and if she ever does anything or says anything that is obvious you need to stop it by telling her it isnt right.......you like the husband so think of how he feels and what he thinks instead is my advice ...it should work....dont spend one on one time with a married woman where you might be put in an awkward position....keep it public....good luck ...best wishes.....deb

[Tailor2000]

Thank you todreaminblue for keeping it a civil conversation.

 

Apart from a stupid blip where I wasn't thinking right, I like to think this can all be fixed. This is the only person anything like that has happened with. Annoys me when people say I have no integrity when a few married women have come up to me and fluttered their eyes at me. Ok, thank you, flattered, but that creeps me out. But I wouldn't go No Contact with someone for something like that! We're all weak, we're all imperfect. As long as we know not to cross the line.

 

Im not thinking of having THAT kind of relationship with this woman though. It's just, with someone that seems so inconsistent and is coming up to me now to engage in conversation, I don't know what to think. I don't know whether she's got problems at home, she likes me, perhaps she's using me as another poster mentioned, maybe she's picked up on something from me in the past, maybe Im being sensitive. Maybe nothings going on and she is as she says just busy. And you're right without her telling me, I have no idea.

 

Her actions don't indicate friendship, but she comes and reminds me about the help she promised and acts like my best friend once a month. I don't want to think of her as a bad person because I don't think she is. I only think about what she's thinking because I don't get the sense the husband is aware of it and I don't want to complicate things by dragging people into it. Im not looking to set up in a triangle, no, just to somehow stop it from getting any worse! I can imagine six months down the line, Im upset, maybe I've even left the group, she thinks Im ignoring her, her husband gets grumpy with me for being rude/distant towards his wife, lots of tension in the group, for something that may just be me being sensitive.

 

Thinking about it though, having kept my distance, I don't think she would figure out if I was avoiding her.

 

I'd hate to throw away a friendship on a stupid misunderstanding. I'd hate to be off with someone because I've misread a situation. It's not pleasant, and I wish things blew over. Im a sort of full on character, what you see is what you get, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Im not good at interacting people with an ulterior motive - in otherwords, if Im trying not to be rude but distant at the same time. It's difficult for me. That is tension, I don't do it. Being honestly trying to be friendly with someone for the intention of friendship, that's easy.

 

To me it matters because I like to be friendly with everyone I see regularly, at least be civil and polite. I like to engage in conversation. I love everyone, want to help and sort everything out. I trust everyone. I take everyone at face value and believe the best of them - until cracks in the facade appear. But I think you're right, I need to think that it doesn't matter. This is where I say I think I do have a bit of OCD and need to retrain my mind to settle down. Thank you.