purchasing a home.. should i tell him?

[dreamcatcher975]

Long story short -- H wanted a divorce.. i left.. came back tried to work it out with him.. got sick of the blame game.. and decided i just need to move forward.

 

 

So there are some things i wanted to peoples opinions on... my parents have decided that they wanted to purchase a house here... and my H (soon to be xh) has no clue about it. I'm going to end up living in the house and my h has no idea what's happening. I mean, i know he knows that something is happening because i haven't packed up my dog and left to fly back home but the extent of how big the plans really are i'm sure hasn't even crossed his mind!

 

Our lease is up at the end of the month and i think he assumes i'm going to follow him to his mothers house (he's moving in with her, i assume). He still has NOT mentioned the divorce or his plans about it either. I'm most likely going to end up filing for it... but right now my biggest worry is having a place to stay. I haven't mentioned anything to him because i don't want him to criticize the plans. He's always had that and it's a big decision to stay here and live out here on my own but i'm real excited to just be free. I don't want him bringing me down with his negative comments.

 

So my ? is.. do you think i should tell him what's going on as a courtesy or should i just completely leave him out in the dark and continue to do things on my own and if by chance he asks "so what r u going to do?" tell him "i have my own house now. thanks." and just walk away with a smile on my face?

[d0nnivain]

I don't know that I would share details. I would remind him that your lease is up & that you will be going your own way at that point.

[harrybrown]

If he wants a divorce and you want out, use the 180 to distance yourself from him.

 

If he asks, you might tell him, but if he does not ask, I would not volunteer the information.

 

Why has the marriage gotten so bad like this?

[central]

Okay, YOU are not purchasing a home, your parents are. Totally different scenario! Anyway, no need to tell him unless you want to, of course - he'll know soon enough.

[dreamcatcher975]

My H has pushed back his divorce filing once again.

 

My mom came down to visit and spilled the beans about the house. I was so upset. A month of Hard work keeping it from him… and she tells him less than 24 hours being here. I was so upset. That same night my mom told him about the plans she had buying a home here, my H comes up to me and offers to share the bed with him. I was on the couch and sharing it with my mom (we have an L shaped couched) he sees me and tells me that i can share the bed with him if i wanted. REALLY? Now you want to share a bed with me yet 4 months ago when i asked if he wanted me to sleep on the bed with him he tells me (and i remember it very clearly) “no! why would i want that? i don’t even want to hold ur hand why would i want to share a bed with you??” but that night was different?? He left the door open (which he rarely does when i’m alone in the house with him) but i didn’t go in. I figure it would only be temporary and once my mom left, i’d probably be back on the couch… hurt because i thought it was something more. I’ve been sleeping on the couch for the past 4 months and the only time he offered the bed to me was when i first arrived but i declined because of his words prior to me arriving.. after that no talk of sleeping on the bed ever came up not even when i asked him. So i continued to sleep on the couch even with back pains.. i pushed through.

 

So now, Our lease is up and we’re moving out and going on our separate ways. He knows about the house now and he’s asked a a several times if i wanted some help moving but i said “no” and when he did find out about the purchase… he asked me and my mom where the house was. I didn’t answer. My mom didn’t tell him either because she doesn’t know much about my area (relief). He turned to me one night during dinner with my mom and just randomly asks us “so where’s the house at?” First he turns to my mom but still couldn’t answer and then turns to me and asks but i gave him a really vague answer and just told him It was within our county. (our county size is 1000+ miles) He rolls his eyes a bit lets out this sigh.. Then he turns to my mother and says that he’s willing to help me move but i won’t tell him where the house was it. I quickly replied and told him that I didn’t need his help nor do i want him to know where i’m at. Idk why it was necessary for him to turn to my mom about refusing his help.

 

There were so many times while we were married and i’d just simply ask where he was or what he was doing.. and he wouldn’t tell me anything. He’d always say things like.. “don’t worry about it.” and laughed it off like it was a joke or just ignore me. He always kept me in the dark about things. It was always too much for me to ask him or i was “bothering him”. Now, he wants to know where this house will be at..where I will be at??

 

I know it might seem childish but i figure it’ll help me move on. It’’ll cut off the little hope i have left that maybe this marriage can work out. If i don’t tell him where i’m at (we have no children together either so that’s easy except step kids which he won’t let me talk to or see even if i raised them for 6 years) then.. i won’t have that hope that maybe he’ll show up one day at my door step apologizing and we’ll reconcile. Also, i can definitely do the No contact rule. Everyone i know has told me that he doesn’t need to know where i’m at and that i shouldn’t tell him. Even my IC told me that that’s just not his business anymore. It hurts but i have to do it to help me move on.

 

Since my mom has left, he’s asked me several times if i needed help with the move. He said he’s still willing to help me move my things but i still told him that i didn’t need his help at all. Other changes: he’s offering me more furniture. Prior to my mom coming here i told him that i wanted to take the couch and patio furniture (i figure those were the only things he’d be willing to give me) and he replies with a “fine, lord knows you need it more than us" something really passive aggressive sarcastic bs. That’s why i didn’t ask for much cause i figure less drama for me. Now that he knows i found a house… not only is he offering his services to help with the move but he also offered me a tv, electronics, table, etc.

 

My realtor advised me to watch out with him being “nice” but i don’t see it. Is that him being “nice” all of a sudden? offering furniture/electronics/sharing our bed once again?

 

He left this week because he said he had somethings he has to do for work. I asked him when he’d be back because i didn’t want to be here when he returns. I politely asked “when are you going to be back?” and he asks y .. and i didn’t answer.. he replies with “are you avoiding me now?” I was starting to get angry with his reply and just calmly told him “ill probably be gone by this weekend. so i won’t see you anymore.” He lets out this loud big Sigh.

 

(A week before i got back he told me that all he’d do was “avoid” me. He told me that he didn’t see a point of me coming back because he’d just avoid me the whole time he told me he wouldn’t be around, he told me he’d leave on the weekends, etc. Which he never did. We actually went out a couple times to dinner and movies and that gave me hope but he always shot it down and said that they were “nothing”. Now he wants to ask me if i’m avoiding him? Isn’t that what he wanted all along? I never imagined he’d ask me that.)

 

Before he left he gave me a list of things that will occur with the house such as: the landscaper coming, the landlord, the painter, everything under the sun. I admit i got emotional because i figure.. okay this is the end, so i’m sure he’ll bring up the divorce too… he didn’t. The elephant in the room was not addressed. It wasn’t till yesterday when i asked him for a picture of his id that set the ball rolling for the D talk.

 

I ask him for his id because i needed to ship my vehicle. He sends it to me, and asks me to remove his name off the title (military requirement) and i told him id be more than happy to remove his name off the document but he needs to pay for a collateral loan he took out on it. I’ve spoken to our bank about it and that’s what they said needs to happen. At that point i felt like he was just choosing certain things to talk about but never wants to bring up the BIGGER PICTURE = DIVORCE. I seems he’s always doing this. He’ll mention the little things but never wants to just talk about it as a whole. I feel, if he just spoke about the divorce then it would encompass everything in our marriage, names on accounts, names on the car, accounts, etc. rather, he wants to nit pick and talk about the little stuff. So i decide to bring up the topic of D and asked him when he plans to file. He told me he’d do it last month but never did. Since i’ve gotten here, he’s pushed back him filing for the divorce more than once.

 

(When i got here he said.. “i’ll file after the first week you’re here.” wait. argued.. “i’ll file early march” Waited..argued.. anxiety… Nothing. I’m thinking maybe he’ll file during spring break?.. waited.. anxiety.. nothing.. argued says (april at this point) “look into my eyes, i’ll file it next week” Waited. nothing. Comes up to me “have you filed for the D yet, i thought you said you’d file it?” Reminded him of his comment and says.. “Fine! i’ll file it” (this was ending of april) now we’re into May.. and now he pushed it back to JUNE. It’s officially been a year and a half when he said he wants a divorce and will file)

 

So i mention the divorce and ask him when he plans to file because i mentioned how i wanted my name to be put on the title of the new house but i couldn’t do that because of texas law (community property). He replies and tells me “i’ll look into it early next month for you.” His reply set me off again because of how he worded it. “For You” as if this divorce was something that i’ve always planned for. Now it’s for me when the other times when i tried to talk to him about our marriage it was “i want this over” Now him looking into the divorce was FOR ME like he’s doing me a favor? I was irritated but i just thanked him and left it at that.

 

It’s hard keeping calm around him with the things he says and does. Now he wants to help, now he wants to share, now he wants to KNOW… when last time he didn’t care what i did, couldn’t ask him for help, and never wanted to share. i think maybe he didn’t realize how big my next move was going to be. I think he suspected that i’d just move back home and be heart broken and just end up not doing anything with my life (he’s told me this before) and i’ve always told him "i’m not that at all!!” but he never believed me. He just saw me as weak, incapable, no goals.. everything that I knew i wasn’t (The reason why i couldn’t focus 100% on my goals is because i was supporting him and taking care of my step kids while he went to school, worked out, played video games.. i was supporting him! And i figure after he reaches his, i’d be able to handle mine..BIG MISTAKE!) Now, he gets hit with the news that I got a house to live out here and do my own thing so i can focus and reach my goals. Living in a place where i practically don’t know anyone yet i know i’m strong enough to make it out here on my own, EVERYTHING opposite of what he thought i was. i hope now he realizes i’m a fighter and i don’t just throw in the towel because he doesn’t see how good he had it.

 

Since we’ve moved to texas (he’s originally from here) he’s always talked about buying a home and how much he just wanted his own house, he never got to due to his stubbornness and being indecisive. I can even recall a conversation about buying a house and he said he didn’t want to get one because we were still married and there are rules to it so obviously he’s well aware of texas marriage laws.. yet now he knows i’m getting a house and he won’t address the divorce now?? Now he can’t confront me about it and tell me how much he WANTS this divorce?? Now it’s back to me having to bring it up to him. Since the lease is over, he’s moving back into his mothers house which is 100 miles away from his school, in a 3 bedroom home with 3 kids and 2 other adults. He’s told me that he’ll just be living out of his car while he finishes up his school and all i can say to that is “oh well.” I will be living in a 3 bedroom house by myself with my awesome dog working and finally achieving those goals i put off for him. Karma.

 

Do you think regret could be hitting him at this point? Can anyone give me info about Texas laws about community property?

Edited May 22, 2014 by dreamcatcher975