4 years later.......

[SoSilly]

It's been 4 years since I posted.

 

After going back and forth of not being able to stay away from eachother, MM divorced his wife.

 

I cannot get into details, but it's been a long road.

 

We are now married. No kids with eachother. But I now have amazing 2 step kids. I can't say it was an easy road. There are many things that you don't even think about for your future.

 

I will say:

 

- for your own conscience, do not have a relationship until after he/she is divorced. You might not think it matters NOW, but when those kids get older, you start to wonder WHEN (not IF) the question will come up on WHY dad divorced mom.

 

- you will feel guilty. the person that left will feel guilty. the other spouse will feel guilty. it will turn into guilty parenting on EVERYONE. this is not good for the kids. I feel guilty, so I spoil more (a good spoil - not buy them everything they want). DH feels guilty to a certain point. He is far from the "disney dad" that people talk about. I actually think he feels less guilty than anyone else in my situation. BM feels guilty and cannot say NO to her kids- that has gotten better - their behavior turned really bad at one point.

 

- celebrating anniversaries WILL matter. I didn't think it would when I read this 4 years ago.

 

- You will lose some of your closest friends if they don't agree with it. in my case, I didn't tell my friends (husband/wife) and it has taken until now to finally hang out/talk. They were very hurt I didn't go to them - wasn't honest, broke up a family, etc.

 

- any chance at having any kind of relationship/communication with BM regarding their children will be GONE. I am involved with my skids. They are great kids and BM/DH have raised them well. (pre-teens). But I do know if there wasn't that wall of our past, things would be cordial. Not that I expect or WANT TO talk to her, it's just that I have had some minor questions that DH has not one clue about.

 

- things could be worse. BM is not bad at all. She has her moments, but she could turn psycho and make your life hell. Thankfully, BM wanted to get out of the marriage, too, but wasn't able to financially.

 

- you WILL be paying for his/her bills. Because of child support and possible alimony, your new SO will not make enough money to cover their own bills. If you don't make a decent living, plan on reducing your income. Before my promotion, we were practically living paycheck to paycheck because of what DH was paying out!

 

- I am a few years away, but because of money issues (BM doesn't make much either, but her fiance' has a good job with paying out CS, too) - you will have to have a conversation on who pays for what. when kids turn 16, who pays for the car, who pays for college? etc. because of the guilt that I feel, it's the least that I can do - contribute to their college - when DH and BM should be figuring this out themselves.

 

- you SO will have to figure out how much time he gets with their kids and wonder if it's worth it. 50/50 is the only way to go. DH got less. BM got more CS. DH wanted more time and BM said no because it would reduce CS. BM only makes $11/hr (her fiance does not live with her, I'm sure waiting for spousal support to end, but he helps out with the having fun bills) so this would be a huge reduction for her.

 

- you will have to learn your place as a step parent. most likely, you will not end up like me and instead - have skids from HELL. some step parents disengage. some get too involved. I think I have learned my place and have a good balance. some BM's will try to keep the kids away. your DH will think of you as an instant wife/babysitter and you have a whole new set of issues that you have to go through.

 

- skids most likely will have emotional issues. youngest step son has emotional issues, most are due to his own genetics - but others had to do with the divorce. he's a momma's boy, so they clung onto eachother more so.

 

Was it worth it? I would have rather waited until the kids were adults and/or he left on his own. But despite of everything, everyone is HAPPY. Kids see their parents MUCH HAPPIER than ever before.

 

It is up to you if you want to live with this guilt for the rest of your life. a close family member went through something similar 20+ years ago. She warned me and I didn't listen either. Hopefully someone else will listen to me.

 

If your MM/MW wants to be with you, they will leave. Just try not to be around when they do.

 

~~~~~~ Hoping this clears a little bit of my conscience today.

[Speakingofwhich]

Thanks for posting this, SoSilly. I have been deeply concerned for my own situation about some of the things you've posted. The children in our situation are grown but even then I can imagine issues with them arising as a result of circumstances.

[SoSilly]

Thanks for posting this, SoSilly. I have been deeply concerned for my own situation about some of the things you've posted. The children in our situation are grown but even then I can imagine issues with them arising as a result of circumstances.

 

Thanks. It's been on my mind lately, so hopefully this helps me move on. I lurked this section a lot back then. There weren't many postings like mine, so hopefully this helps at least 1 person.

 

I would think it would be easier to hide the A with grown children, but there would be another set of issues to deal with.

 

People are always searching - will it work out with my MM/MW? It's not a yes or no question. There are so many variables that you have to THINK about. Stop thinking emotionally and really try to map it out.

[Speakingofwhich]

Thanks. It's been on my mind lately, so hopefully this helps me move on. I lurked this section a lot back then. There weren't many postings like mine, so hopefully this helps at least 1 person.

 

I would think it would be easier to hide the A with grown children, but there would be another set of issues to deal with.

 

People are always searching - will it work out with my MM/MW? It's not a yes or no question. There are so many variables that you have to THINK about. Stop thinking emotionally and really try to map it out.

 

I don't think a lot of people who end up with MM stay on this forum long enough to report back how things are going so your post is particularly valuable.

 

All of our children are grown, with the exception that he has a daughter who's a senior in high school. My children have met him years ago and believed him to be single. They didn't see much of him, though. However, his kids haven't met me and I've wondered if they won't mention to my kids how recently their dad got divorced. It's bound to come up.

 

I also deal with a lot of guilt about the whole thing.

 

Did you ever consider (before divorce) breaking up until you both (or one of you, can't remember if both were M or not) were single? If so, why didn't you do it?

[bentleychic]

Thank you for sharing your experience.

[cocorico]

SoSilly, I am sorry that your experience has been so difficult, and that you are still struggling with guilt.

 

Some of the claims you assert as universals are, of course, dependent on individual circumstances: for example, while you claim that every OW will end up subsidising their fMM, this is obviously only so in some cases, particularly in countries where alimony is payable or where the fBS earns considerably less than the fWS and has the greater share of custody. In other cases, there may be no alimony or CS to pay, or the award may go the other way. My H, for example, did not have to pay his xW anything by way of maintenance, as she earned enough to support herself. And despite the kids choosing to live with us, we did not demand CS from her. Happy kids were more important to us than more money.

 

Also, emotional problems among the step kids may improve, as happened in our case, once they were removed from a toxic environment to a loving family home. Obviously this depends on what the home situation of the infidelity family was like compared to the home situation of the new family, but it need not be worse and may in fact be far better as they see a healthy, loving relationship between two adults who respect and care for each other, and for them.

 

I do, however, agree with you on this issue of guilt. For those who are compromising their values by engaging in an A, who feel guilt as a result, the guilt will not dissipate simply through a positive outcome. It may, in fact, worsen. If an A is against your values, you'd do better walking away, and only resuming a R if the MM leaves. (If an A is not against your values, then this would not apply.)