Why is it so hard to get over the difficult ones?

[No Foolin]

Hey, this is my first post, so lets begin. I was with this girl for 3 years. We met while we were in the military and I can say it was the most intense realationship I have ever been involved in. She was one of those really independent girls that takes what she wants with no remorse. I knew from the start of this relationship that I was the mark. I came into the relationship with no baggage. She on the other hand had more than I would have liked to know. She told me that she was a victim of child sexual abuse victimized by her brothers. She also had some very unusual realtionships with high school friends. When informed of this, I took it all with a stone face and didn't react.

 

Our relationship was long distance for the first two years. It mostly consisted of the 3 Fs, food/fighting/fornicating. She was the most angry girl I had ever met; but, she was attracted to me to almost obsessive levels. I remember getting off the phone with her and being exhausted with our conversations.

 

After the first two years, I got out of the military and went home. Once home, I got in touch with old friends and our relationship changed. Her visits were marred by constant fighting then constant sex. I finally broke up with her one April and she trashed my apartment. One thing led to another and 3 months later she's living with me (that lasted 2 months). I just couldn't deal with her odd, anger filled behavior. She moved into her own apartment, then the world seemed to open up to her. She got a great consulting job and a whole hoop of new friends. Then the oddest thing happened. She stopped wanting to have sex. She started to nest, she went to sleep early and became more distant. I of all people, started to bring the drama. She ended up leaving psychotic messages on my answering machine and did a little property damage to my car. To make a long story short, with the help of some close friends and family I finally broke up with her last June.

 

The problem is this, its now Feb, and I am still thinking about her. I wake up with nightmares, shes in my head all day and the last e-mail I sent to her she was unemotional and uninterested. What the hell happened to me (am I like her now). I've made good progress with myself over the last eight months, but she is always in my head. I feel like crap when I do hear from her (very seldom at best). What can I do to get over this guys.........SOS.

[Devildog]

I think the reason we can't let go of the difficult ones so easy is because people in general try to help and fix the problems of our significant others. When we can't help them we feel like we failed. Hence the difficulty letting go.

 

We can't fix other people. They have to find their own answers. All we can do is be as supportive as possible during the process. Sometimes patience is rewarded, other times it isn't, and sometimes it is punished. That seems to be your situation. She drug you down to her level. Now you have to pull yourself back up.

[No Foolin]

I see your point marine, I thought about why I feel this way more than I would like. I don't know why I'm still feeling for her and thats what kills me. I only seem to be able to focus on her good points. Every time she pops into my head (frequently) I start to feel inferior. It pisses me off she can move on and shape her life like it was clay and I get left here with a world of knowledge I didn't want. Its a daily battle, hourly, minute battle to keep solid on how I feel about me and who knows what she is doing. Now I'm going to be the lead jerk in her memories and all I did was do the best that I could with her. The killer is I still want her........thats like drinking a big bucket of suck.

[Devildog]

You don't have any answers as to what you did wrong in the relationship. And based on what you posted regarding her past, you probably didn't do anything wrong. But yet she tossed you aside. It doesn't make any sense does it? You got punished for doing nothing wrong. Logic doesn't apply here does it?

 

I think what you feel is more likely sympathy or pity for her. It is hard to just walk away from a challenge. Some people are not happy with a good life. They need the drama and instability. They can't handle having someone treat them with respect and compassion. Especially if they have had a life time without it.

 

Have you been getting out and doing things for you? Do you get out with your friends. Moving on is the best thing you can do. You can't forget someone you spent 3 years of your life with, but you can't dwell on the past forever either.

[No Foolin]

No joke, logic was never present. I get out with friends, but I feel like I got her ghost on my shoulder 24/7. Always making moves and doing things based on what she would think. Its the saturation of her memory that brings me down, like I somehow have been infected or possessed by her.

[Devildog]

Sounds like you still hold out hope that she will come back. That is why you think about her response to the things you do. I know the feeling, I was doing it myself with my STBXW. I knew it was over, but until I was served with the divorce papers I still held back on my life because something might create an obstacle if she decided she wanted to give us another chance.

 

I don't think there is much chance of you ever having another chance with this girl. Even if there is a chance I don't think it would be a good idea on your part. You need to get "closure". I know, I hate that whole closure cliche. But if you are still living your life based on what she would think of you then you do need it. Figure out what you need to do to close that chapter of your life.

[No Foolin]

yeah, marine your right, seems like I've been carrying a torch for her. Closure huh......any suggestions??

[Devildog]

Hard to say. You probably won't get closure from her. She isn't likely to tell you you were a great guy and she is just really screwed up in the head. I would suggest looking into getting back in the dating game, but if you are just going to compare any new girls to your ex that isn't a good thing.

 

You could try writing a list of her bad qualities. Read over it any time you start to think fondly of your time with her. Add to the list any time you remember more bad things. Eventually you will start to think less positively of her.

 

Just remember we can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. She doesn't want to be saved or fixed. She needs to be the center of sympathy.

[No Foolin]

Roger that, I'll give it a try and keep trying. Sage advice marine. They must be having a sale on psychotic girls. My own testimonial is this: No matter how solid emotionally one might think they are, some information and people can bring you to your knees.

[Devildog]

You just bit off more than anyone could chew. She needs professional help, and that only works if they want help. She doesn't. You couldn't save her. Never. No one can until she decides she wants to change her life.

 

Now you know one more thing to avoid next time around.

[DinNJ]

Wow... welcome to my world... where were you a year ago??? A dated a girl just like yours for 3.5 years... Couldn't get away no matter how rotten she was. Sex/Fights was the relationship. Sometimes fighting during the sex.... which actually wasn't so bad... She was also sexually abused by relatives at a very young age... causing her to be very primiscious. That's not spelled right. but you know what I meant. She had threesomes, foursomes... different races...ex stripper... etc... But brutally verbally/physically/emotionally abusive towards me. Go figure... I was the one who ended up in therapy. Then with alot of research on the net... I self diagnosed her as a borderline. Eventually getting her into therapy and on drugs. Her therapist diagnosed her with PSD .... post tramatic stress disorder. Either diagnosis = F#!@'ed up. With a boatload of mood swings and personality changes. Hardest relationship ever to walk away from.... but the best relationship to get out of.

[No Foolin]

Wow, looks like I'm not the only one. These type of girls have a way of destroying every person they touch. What sucks is trying to walk something like this off.

[DinNJ]

You said it perfectly in another post... they're like a drug. you become addicted to em' ... trying to change em'... hoping against hope that you can trust the many personalities that they display. Eventually, you will look back and laugh though.

[No Foolin]

Brother your right, as I read your post I remembered, that her old boyfriends who are in different parts of the country still get in contact with her from time to time. I can't help but think that in some way they are in the same mess I am. I remember her saying once "I don't call people, people call me". Its like she has laid waste to many a guy and walks around like its ok. How do people like this live with themselves. Her life is one big angle or scheme.