NC Broken for Closure, but now really I'm wondering

[daretotrustlove]

XMM and I ended. Not what I had hoped for. He went home to tell the w he was leaving and decided to stay. NC for months. I couldn't take it anymore and I needed closure. I finally called to say I needed questions answered. He was kind to me, I was expecting the Ice Man. He stated that he couldn't leave, didn't really say why.

 

What shocked me was that he had not blocked my number. He spent a hour and half talking to me. He said he was working on his M. That he was going to MC and IC. He told me, he didn't know if the M would survive. He answered every question. I asked if he was going to tell the w I called. He said yes, then asked if he should tell her. ??? I don't know if he did or not. As we talk and he answers my questions, he said that he had told her everything, even that we loved each other.

 

I asked if he was working on his M because that's what he wanted, or , because he didn't know what else to do. He said he didn't know what else to do. He also said that I could call anytime and talk, that he would answer my questions.

 

Is this a man who is working on his M. Is this a man who is remorseful. Is this a man who really wants his M to work out.

 

I broke NC for answers and closure......I feel more confused now than ever. But will go back to NC.....for sure. I'm really confused. I'm in alot of pain, yes I know I brought this on myself, please don't knock me down anymore than I already am.

[joanofark]

if he is working on his M, then NO, he should not welcome you back into his life.

[QuakerOats]

He sounds like a man who wants both the wife/home life and you hanging out on the sidelines. Because he feeds you tiny nuggets of hope by not blocking you and responding to your outreach warmly, you are left wondering. The opposite of closure, which bites...been there myself. I think it is selfish. I'd be tempted to force him into NC by telling the w, although I could never do it. Sorry you didn't get the closure you needed,..looks like holding down the nc is entirely in your court.

[Speakingofwhich]

He may be as confused as you are and, as he admitted, is doing the only thing he knows to do.

 

It is very hard for some people to leave a relationship, let alone a marriage!

 

I broke up with my MM and his pain haunted me. Yes, I was in pain, too, but a big part of my pain was recalling his expressions of grief when I told him I needed to break the R off. I can't imagine telling a H I am going to leave.

 

My MM tells me he is going to have to go to counseling with his W in order to be able to tell her he's going to leave. He tells me he cannot tell her without another person there as if they are alone they will go into their "dance" and he will cower in her wrath. He admits to me his weakness in the face of her domineering anger. Ironically he's a powerful man in business and lets no one run over him there. He understands the irony of that.

[Hope Shimmers]

XMM and I ended. Not what I had hoped for. He went home to tell the w he was leaving and decided to stay. NC for months. I couldn't take it anymore and I needed closure. I finally called to say I needed questions answered. He was kind to me, I was expecting the Ice Man. He stated that he couldn't leave, didn't really say why.

 

What shocked me was that he had not blocked my number. He spent a hour and half talking to me. He said he was working on his M. That he was going to MC and IC. He told me, he didn't know if the M would survive. He answered every question. I asked if he was going to tell the w I called. He said yes, then asked if he should tell her. ??? I don't know if he did or not. As we talk and he answers my questions, he said that he had told her everything, even that we loved each other.

 

I asked if he was working on his M because that's what he wanted, or , because he didn't know what else to do. He said he didn't know what else to do. He also said that I could call anytime and talk, that he would answer my questions.

 

Is this a man who is working on his M. Is this a man who is remorseful. Is this a man who really wants his M to work out.

 

I broke NC for answers and closure......I feel more confused now than ever. But will go back to NC.....for sure. I'm really confused. I'm in alot of pain, yes I know I brought this on myself, please don't knock me down anymore than I already am.

 

You wanted answers and closure... and now you know that all you will get from this guy is exactly the same thing you have always gotten. That is your closure.

 

He won't leave his M and he will probably have an affair with you as long as you are willing while he is still married. But he isn't going to divorce. That is clear. Of course he will go back to NC. Because he's married, making it work for now, and is likely hoping to keep you on the side.

 

I know you are in a lot of pain and I am sorry this a**hole hurt you. He's not worth your tears. Just know nothing will change, and let him go. Don't take his calls anymore.

[whichwayisup]

I broke NC for answers and closure......I feel more confused now than ever. But will go back to NC.....for sure. I'm really confused. I'm in alot of pain, yes I know I brought this on myself, please don't knock me down anymore than I already am.

 

What were you hoping he'd say to you to help you get closure? The thing is, he did answer your questions, just not to your liking or having the answers be what you wanted them to be. I say this all gently as I know you're hurting.

 

I hope you can make your own closure and be at peace soon with this. He chose his marriage and wife. He went home to tell his wife about you and the A, but instead he didn't. Who knows if he was feeding you crap or if he truly meant it. His actions do though show you what's what. As painful as it is for you, please try to give up hope and know that in time you'll be on the mend and feeling much better. It's his loss, later you will see this.

 

Take care of you now and be around good friends and family.

 

 

Is this a man who is working on his M. Is this a man who is remorseful. Is this a man who really wants his M to work out.

 

This is a man who never contacted you, stayed in NC mode and is working on his marriage with his wife. He has chosen to move on, you need to as well. If you hadn't broken NC, you'd still be in NC mode, so that does show you that he is where he wants to be.

[Cocochai]

You wanted answers and closure... and now you know that all you will get from this guy is exactly the same thing you have always gotten. That is your closure.

 

He won't leave his M and he will probably have an affair with you as long as you are willing while he is still married. But he isn't going to divorce. That is clear. Of course he will go back to NC. Because he's married, making it work for now, and is likely hoping to keep you on the side.

 

I know you are in a lot of pain and I am sorry this a**hole hurt you. He's not worth your tears. Just know nothing will change, and let him go. Don't take his calls anymore.

 

I agree!

 

You gotta becarful of the MM/MW being in the "I don't know what to do" because the minute there's a Dday day or close to being found out... They will drop the A in a second.

 

He's with W, trying to work on it even tho he's unclear on why he's doing it. In the end if your feelings are caught up, you'll get them hurt over time.

 

It sounds like the M is his priority and as long as your okay being second, he'll welcome it as well.

Edited May 10, 2014 by Cocochai

[herself]

I don't think he would admit to you he was in mc "because that's what he wanted to do"

It covers his arse with u to say it's all he knew to do.

I don't buy it, no one makes a man go to counseling, they have to want to period or they won't.

He was nice cause he knows he was an @ ss so he's relieved to know you still care and his ego is boosted and he comes across looking like the good guy cause he was "nice" all the while he's still at home playing "nice".

 

Bottom line I don't condone nor judge affairs, I'm on neutral ground having been there, in tiny ways still there....but we all have a line, and my line is if someone's in mc trying to improve, I think it's so soooooo unfair for an xap to interfere at that point.

 

Its like sneaking drugs to someone in rehab.

He made the decision to go with her, that should really be the end of ANY more contact whatsoever for your own protection, but also out of respect for a marriage in trouble....trouble that u contributed to.

 

Its one thing to have a private relationship and play with fire. Its everyone's choice. But once exposed, to go back when they're trying to pick up the peices....?

Time is your friend. Let go now, and have peace.

You have now more closure than many on this board.

[whichwayisup]

Bottom line I don't condone nor judge affairs, I'm on neutral ground having been there, in tiny ways still there....but we all have a line, and my line is if someone's in mc trying to improve, I think it's so soooooo unfair for an xap to interfere at that point.

 

Its like sneaking drugs to someone in rehab.

He made the decision to go with her, that should really be the end of ANY more contact whatsoever for your own protection, but also out of respect for a marriage in trouble....trouble that u contributed to.

 

Excellent reply herself.

[preraph]

Can't believe you're shocked he didn't block you. His perfect scenario is he keeps you and you keep quiet and continues with his wife. If he can get that, he's happy as a clam.