What the hell is going on in her head?

[soosad]

Hey all,

 

Heres my long soap opera drama. Some may be familiar with my story.

 

MY ex-fiance left me at the end of October after a 14 year and 9 years living together.

Initially i failed miserably at NC. I called her and emailed her a lot and twice when i saw

her i would broke down in tears.(basically doing everything you should not do). I know pathetic.

She really wanted to remain friends. I couldn't.

 

In mid December she told me she was looking for an apartment and that there was no chance of a reconciliation.

Just 1 week earlier she said she would hold off looking in case we get back together.

I was hysterical. This was the love of my life. I told her I wanted to at least be friends.

She hesitantly agreed. Her concern was that i couldn't emotionally handle a friendship.

She was right the day before we were supposed to meet up i called her and said it would

be too painful i couldn't we both cried and wished each other the best. She said call me when i wanted.

 

I lasted until Christmas then I broke NC. I called the ex-fiance on Christmas after finding out she was

talking to somebody (I didn't't tell her that). I just felt like i had to do something. I just said I hope

you have a merry Christmas and that her nephew had phoned me on Christmas eve, call me if ya want.

 

She said she called only to tell me that that she is done feeling guilty and that she should have left me

a long time ago. It is a total 360 degree turn from our last conversation. She was very cold and angry

She kept stressing like 4 times that she's done feeling guilty and that she hates that people think she

is with someone else ( i didn't tell her that i know she was talking to someone, i just listened). She

said why cant they think that maybe we just had problems and it didn't work out. I told her she should

have no guilt or regrets and that i have no regrets. We will both be able to handle our next relationship

incredibly because of this. I will always cherish the times we shared. I then asked about her family

I told her that in most peoples eyes we had a great relationship and if i was the one who walked out it

would be because i have met another or wanted to meet another.

 

I told her that i want her to wake up with a smile everyday of her life and that i want her to be happy.

She said i want good things for you too. We then made small talk. I then told her that i enjoyed touching

base with her and that if it was okay i would do the same in 2 weeks to a month. She then said as of now

she didn't want to touch base with me but to call her in a month and maybe she may feel differently, maybe not.

 

I then patheticaly wrote her a letter and began NC until she phoned me about 1 month later to tell me someone

had called saying my father had lost his cell phone. I asked is she would have called other wise she said no (ouch).

I said for her to kept in touch. I felt back at square 1 and i was really feeling over her.

 

She called me the next day and it was weird. She said that she wanted to call me early in the morning but

figured i was sleeping. We talked for 2 hours the entire time discussing why she was angry how she thought

we can be friends. She told me a 2 people had asked her out but none her type and that she isn't seeing anybody.

The one person she said she was interested in had a girl and was a dog. I told her she is such a wonderful and

incredible person she deserves the best and she shouldn't settle for being the other woman. She agreed. She insists

that she didn't leave me for someone else. And the guy that i heard about was the coworker she was interested

in who has a girlfriend. She never spoke or saw him outside work. I told her I had met someone but wasn't ready yet.

She said she was lonely and even said part of her wants me to come over right now but it wouldn't be right. I told her

we could give each other advice on the opposite sex. We both stressed friends. The conversation went extremely well.

We left it that we would continue talking and hang out some times.

 

 

A few days later I called her and we spoke for 1 hour. The conversation didn't go as well but we made plans to hang

out as friends next weekend. I told her that us being friends would be a long and slow process and i wasn't sure if

i could trust her since she hurt me so badly. She said the only way our friendship wouldn't work is if she got angry

at me again or if we couldn't handle each other dating. Again she and i both stressed friends and she told me that she

didn't want a relationship.

 

A few days later I sent her an email saying I cant wait to see her and her dog and that i'm here for her. She replied

saying if Saturday was okay for me to hang out and that I could go see her new apartment and the we can get

something to eat. I replied sat is good. She replied that she is looking forward to seeing me and that her dog is

going to freak out when she sees me and to send my family her love that she misses them.

 

 

Now for the part i cant understand. I get a call and she sounded bothered. I asked what's wrong and she said

saying that she can't see me it's too soon. I said we've been apart for 3 1/2 months you emailed me saying

how your looking forward to seeing me what happened. She said she feels like we're still in the relationship like

i'm controlling her. OMG....I was soooo confused. I asked why she felt that way all communication that we had after

NC was great. She didn't know exactly why but she said she wasn't ready. She even said that she would even feel

guilty to date someone atm if she would see me. I told her that she shouldn't feel that way. She said that we should

talk more on the phone and take things slower she's not ready. She said she feels like I have and ulterior motive.

Then she got a little angry and wanted to get off the phone because i was talking to her. I told her how much i valued

her friendship and that she should be honest with me if she even wants to be friends. She said she does but doesn't

know if it would be possible and that we should just talk more frequently on the phone.

I told her that i knew this would be hard for both of us and that i wouldn't over step my boundaries. I suggested

breakfast. She agreed.

 

I got off the phone feeling really confused thinking why the hell would i want to see someone who's actions

are telling me that she doesn't want anything to do with me ever again. Why woundn't she want to see me???

Friends have advised me against a friendship with her but i still see her as my best friend she's been my best

friend since i was 18. My brain is saying begin NC again but my heart is willing to settle for breakfast.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

I'm am so sorry for the long post and the poor writing. I just wanted to see if anyone has any clue as to why the change of heart.

For those of you familiar with my story you can see how she has a habit of saying on thing and doing otherwise.

For those who don't know my story heres the links:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t52494/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t53134/

 

I'm so confused:(

 

Thanks ,

Soosad

[DinNJ]

What the hell is going on in her head?

 

Just for the record.... you'll NEVER figure out what goes on in a woman's head.

Advice.... No contact... whatsoever. At least don't initiate it. Slap yourself in the face really hard and say to yourself... " I don't care " and keep this attitude when she calls you. Lose all emotions when it comes to this woman and you WILL see a change in her attitude.

[NewMe]

Soosad,

 

It sounds as though

 

1) she cares for you, but she really really doesn't want the relationship, and knows that you still do.

2) So, on some level, she knows neither of you are ready to be friends, especially you.

3) She's deeply ambivalent about hanging out, because she's lonely and does miss you, but knows that it will only hinder you both in moving on.

4) Despite what she said about being done with the guilt, she totally still feels guilty, and seeing you would only make her feel more guilty.

 

You've got to move on without her. I know losing your best friend is horrible, but she can't help you right now, as she has to look out for herself. But you must trust that one day, when you realize you CAN move on, and without her help, it will feel fantastic.

[soosad]

Thanks DinNJ and NewMe for the insightful responses. I really do appreciate it.

 

I had almost 5 weeks NC and then she called. I just wish she would stop giving me mixed messages. I feel ready

for a friendship with her. We have both spoke about our experiences with the opposite sex and both agreed to

give each other honest advice. She was the one who suggested hanging out at her place and then going out for Italian.

It seemed as if we were both on the same page until our last conversation.

 

 

Despite what she said about being done with the guilt, she totally still feels guilty, and seeing you would only make her feel more guilty.

 

Your so right. I never thought of that. I wonder why she would still feel guilty? She's the one who left me.

 

Thanks again.

soosad

[NewMe]

K, this might be kind of harsh, but:

 

Originally posted by soosad

I told her that us being friends would be a long and slow process and i wasn't sure if

i could trust her since she hurt me so badly.

 

How could she NOT still feel guilty? She may not want to hold on to the relationship, but obviously she still cares about you, and regrets having had to hurt you.

 

Soosad, you are not ready for "just friends." How do I know? Because it's abundantly clear that you still want the relationship. You cannot wait for her to stop giving you mixed messages. You have to muster every ounce of strength and courage you have, and really just walk away. 14 yr relationship, and you think you are ready for friendship after just 5 weeks of NC?!!

[moon]

If you want some validation, your situation really sucks. It does. I can see why you are hurting so much. You were with the girl for over a decade. That's sounds more like the length of a marriage (not a long one) than a dating relationship.

 

The girl sounds really confused. Confusion is hard too. I am sure she's suffering and questioning her own decisions. But the person on the other end waiting for that person to gain clarity can really burn themselves out. I think for that reason, if not only for that reason, you should block this girl from your life for a while (NC). I'd let her try to gain clarity all by herself. It doesn't sound like there is a lot you can do to rush the situation along. I guess you can find solice in the fact that she hasn't found anybody else yet. I might write her a note and tell her that you know she is really confused and that you're burning the candle at both ends over it. Tell her that you're going to allow her to make up her own mind and you're going to give her that space and take space for yourself. Maybe one day she'll come back, you won't know for a while. She probably doesn't even know. It's a big question mark.

 

But you are dealing with a world of hurt right now. I'd get into therapy if you haven't already. I might also investigate that claim she is making that you were controlling. Do you think you were controlling of her? Do you have this in your nature? It sounds like what she wants right now is to be unhithered and uncontrolled and in control of her own life. But maybe she's not even aware of her tendency to be dependent of others. She's confused. I am sure your heart is breaking. But give yourself some distance. Tell yourself if it's meant to work out it will. Remind yourself that if you want to see God laugh tell him about your plans. Many things aren't in your hands. Cut yourself a break.

 

Basically on the question of friendship with an ex (long term one) I think you can't really be "just friends" with them until you can listen to them talk about who they are dating. That's what friends do together. For that reason alone I have never remained friends with any ex. I mean I would be cordial if I saw them, but real friends. I don't know. But then again I travel a lot and many of the people I date are on different sides of the world, so I definately don't just bump into them around town. So that's nice too. I am actually happy that one of my exes is married. I think I would like his wife...I don't know why, I just have a feeling (I've never met her). But I think it would be hard actually having him in my life again and I doubt his wife would want me around anyway. You gotta have boundaries and ex friendships don't mix so well with new significant others. But due to the length of time you were together, I can see why you would hope to be friends. It seems you should get something out of it. But it might eat you up inside if she's with somebody else. Have you already gotten yourself into therapy? That's key. You might make great strides there. I'm a weekly visitor myself. Good luck.

[charley_horse]

First, let me say that I'm sorry that you are going through this. It must be so difficult for you. 14 years is a long time to be with someone and in that time both of you, your friends, your families all have gotten used to the two of you as a couple. So you can understand why it's so hard to see yourselves as individuals once again... even for her and for your father. I don't condone his actions but can understand why it would have happened.

 

If both of you feel pressure to be married, it would be so easy to lapse into the comfort of your relationship. It would be scary and traumatic to face the dating game again and to be single when all your friends are married or in couplehood. Here's the thing, if you two are going to get married then without a doubt, it should be with anticipation and certainty. It shouldn't be with doubt, insecurity or because one manipulated or cajoled the other into it. For this reason, I urge you to give your ex the space she wants even when she slips into asking for the comfort of your friendship. She needs to come to terms with herself as an individual before she can proceed with committing to a marriage. A lot of women feel like when they get married it becomes all about self-sacrifice for their husbands, kids, family and may lead to loss of their identity. Even scarier if you feel you don't have a self-identity to lose. You were together since 18 and I'm guessing she hasn't stepped into her own... yet. Give her time.

 

In the meantime, you also need to explore your individuality. Grow as an individual, develop separate interests, learn about what you like, don't like without her being an influence on you. Re-decorate your apt the way you would have done it. Figure out things that you like that you would never have explored while she was with you. I had an old bf that became very attractive once again when he 'found himself'. He was the nicest guy and treated me very well but he became INTERESTING to me once he had his own identity. She knows you so well that I think you need to develop new and interesting facets to you. When you talk and catch up, just think about all the interesting stuff you can tell her. So, after some space apart, I think there's a better chance that you'll renew your relationship with excitement and freshness-- not picking up where you left off (which sounds like was not too solid). With time, she might be willing to renew the relationship since she would still have the foundation that you built over those years together but she also has new things to explore and get to know about you.

 

Hang in there... I hope things work out for you.

[soosad]

Thank you all for the input. It means a lot and helps me put things into perspective.

 

NewMe-

 

You're right NewMe.

I am probably kidding myself thinking that i am ready for a friendship but i truly do feel

ready at times. MY mind state is that i love her and sure i would love to have her back but know that will

never happen. I am looking forward to dating but am just not 100% ready yet. Almost though.

 

Moon-

But give yourself some distance. Tell yourself if it's meant to work out it will. Remind yourself that if you want

to see God laugh tell him about your plans. Many things aren't in your hands. Cut yourself a break.

So true Moon.

 

I have not been in therapy. I considered it when i was at my worst but decided against it.

As far as the controlling thing goes I used to be when we were younger I haven't been that way for quite a while.

I won't initiate contact after we meet for breakfast. I want her to see the new improved me before i start NC.

I hope we can at least salvage a friendship in the end. I have 2 friends that are best friends with their exes

although they weren't together as long as we were they did live together. What if she calls me or emails me after we

meet?

 

 

 

Charley_horse-

I have grown immensely as an individual. After we broke up i felt as if i lost my identity. Most of the things

that i had loved and was interested in i stopped doing. I put way too much of myself into the relationship and not

enough in me. Every decision i have made prior to us breaking up was made with her best interest in mind. I even stopped

hanging with my friends. They were quite bitter about that. I promised myself that i wouldn't let that happen again in my

next relationship.

 

Here's the thing, if you two are going to get married then without a doubt, it should be with anticipation and

certainty. It shouldn't be with doubt, insecurity or because one manipulated or cajoled the other into it. For

this reason, I urge you to give your ex the space she wants even when she slips into asking for the comfort of

your friendship. She needs to come to terms with herself as an individual before she can proceed with committing

to a marriage.

Good point. I will give her space but I'm not even thinking about a marriage i just want my best friend back.

 

 

 

So what do i do if she calls? Our last conversation i left out that that she did say although she wasn't ready to see me she wanted

to speak to me on the phone more frequently. Oh and she also said that even though she is over us after speaking to me lately

she said she has all these feelings back again that she didn't have when we didn't talk. That was one of her reasons for not being

ready to see me.

 

 

 

 

Thanks Loveshack,

soosad

[No Foolin]

Listen Brother, when we all deal with issues of the heart, we are not dealing with logic. I know, I have been broken up from a girl who did significant emotional damage to me. Its been 8 months and I still have miles to go before I can ever look at that relationship without emotion........maybe never will.

 

We all want to cling on to hope that things will work out. The fact remains; however, realtionships that end rarely get back together. I know it sucks but it is true.

 

Ask yourself this: If your life ended tomorrow would you be happy with the results? Do you want to cling to what could have been; or, do you want to get in the game and see what you (as an individual) can bring to the table?

 

When things are bad for me I know that I have the tendency to focus on how my ex is moving on with her life. Is she with someone else? Is she happy? Is she sucessful? Etc, etc, etc. Yes she most likely is doing all of these things. The fine print is: can you shift your focus to you? Can you do what you want to do without her influence (which I might add only we do to ourselves)?

 

How sweet would it be if you took the next year, day by day, and build yourself into something that is OUTSTANDING? I think after a year of change you can look back and be pleased. NOTE: when we are at our best the best come for us. When you love yourself like a lover and become comfortable being on your own, people become attracted to you, FACT.

 

Cut this loose, NC all the way, take the long walk. Set goals, get into therapy, and carry out your plans like a mad man. I PROMISE, in one year, just one year, you will have the things that you want and more and most of all you will be happy.

 

Or, you can keep yourself down (you do this to yourself), by calling, thinking, angling and scheming to get her back. Each time you hear from her will be a quick shot to the nuts (and you have the pleasure of starting all over).

 

The definition of insanity: Doing the same task over and over, and expecting different results (going after dead relationships fits this definiton exactly).

 

You can do this!!!!!!!!!!! Take the long walk!!!!!!! You'll thank yourself, I promise.

[charley_horse]

Originally posted by soosad

So what do i do if she calls? Our last conversation i left out that that she did say although she wasn't ready to see me she wanted

to speak to me on the phone more frequently. Oh and she also said that even though she is over us after speaking to me lately

she said she has all these feelings back again that she didn't have when we didn't talk. That was one of her reasons for not being

ready to see me.

 

I think you should cancel breakfast, have one last phone conversation, agree to remain friends but only see each other after some time and distance. You both need time otherwise when you see each other again, it will be too easy to fall back into old habits. Speaking from personal experience, it just confused me when my ex and i tried to spend time together 'just like Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine' (his quote not mine). it made it worse when he said he wanted to kiss me (see ... old habits). HE is the one that broke it off and he had just as hard a time as I did. You love your ex so protect her from this. Let your feelings fade, reflect on the lessons you learned from each other and later, you'll have your best friend back.

 

Good luck!