Need advice, 7 months and get letter from ex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

I have been here on the shack for about 8 months now. I started to post when what i still think was the love of my life broke up with me. So here i am today and I need some advice and opiniones. Just a quick re-cap. My ex who I was with for about a year broke up with me back in June. Needless to say i was heartbroken. I went through all of the emotions. You know, anger, frustration, sadness,etc.. We had a really great, strong relationship however the hardships of a LDR got the best of it. We did so much togther in that year that it felt that we were togthere for much longer. My friends were envious of my relationship. It was awesome. We were a great couple. However my feelings for her started getting stronger and i began to get insecure. I knew that she loved me with all her heart but it wasnt good enough. In my prior relationship I had a girl cheat on me and that started to haunt me again. Im sure alot of you have been there before so you know how that goes. Anyways i began to make stupid stuff up in my head and finally she had enough. I remember her last words to me were "nomatter what i did or how i treated you, you could never just except the fact that i loved you and wanted to be with you". Those words haunted me for months. The hard part was that we both were so much inlove when it ended. However my insecurities, her trying to get her life in order, a long distance relationship, and the other little parts of a relationship got the best of her. A few months later i wrote her a letter and apoloigized from the bottom of my heart for all I did. We kept in mininimal contact and that was pretty much by my choice. It was just to hard for me to hear her voice.

 

Well after not hearing from her in about a month, i get a letter from her the other day. I last heard from her when she called me to thank me for the Bday card i sent her and left me a very nice message. This was back in December. Anyways so i get this letter and i thought it was just going to be a thank you card or a quick "hello, how are you doing" type card, you know? Well as i was reading this, my mouth literally dropped. In this letter she starts by telling me what an amazing, respectfull, great guy i am. She said that she knew this when she met me. Then she said "that as much as she knew all this stuff about me before, she is really realizing it now!!!" Then she talks about how she watxhed our shows and it makes her think so much about me, etc..She apolized that she hasnt spoken to me more but that she will call me soon. Tells me to say hi to my family for her, etc.. The letter was short but pretty in depth. It doesnt seem that its the type of letter you send a ex bf after 7 months.

 

So anyways this is my question to you all. Why do you think that she sent this? I mean there are a hundred reasons going through my head and getting back together is mone of them. However i try not to think about that. I just dont want to get my hopes up, you know. It would be my dream come true and i would make sure that i didnt screw it up again. so please give me your thoughts and ideas even if they are ones that I dont want to her. Let me know what you all think? Take Care...............Kodiak

[TequilaSunrise]

Hi Kodiak

 

I have almost the exact situation as yours except the ex contacted me after 4 months and it was by telephone. What she said was very similar to what your ex said in the letter.

 

I'm not trying to second guess what it means. I would suggest that you don't do the same as it could mean any number of things and you will just drive yourself crazy wondering.

 

My ex also sent me an email thanking me for listening so I responded the next day with an email saying "Not a problem". However, I will never contact her again unless she instigates it.

 

I think you should respond to her letter with a brief call to thank her for the letter. Keep the conversation short by saying that you got to go as you have plans. Don't say you will call back later or give any indication that you wish to maintain contact. Keep things light and breezy. After the call go no contact. if you think you are likely to start babbling, crying, pleading, begging or saying anything emotional if you speak to her on the phone, send her an email or letter instead . But definately the phone would be the better response as there is a powerful message in the tone of the voice if you can keep it together. Also she will start second guessing everything you said.

 

If your ex has interest, she will make further contact down the track.

 

It is hard to take a blase attitude, but by doing so you:

 

1. Intrigue her - The ex wants to know more about what you are up to. Mysterious people attract interest.

 

2. Make yourself scarce - People by nature chase rarity;

 

3. Show self confidence - Girls are attracted to confident guys.

 

4. A changed person - By not enquiring after her, it shows that you have overcome your insecurity issues

 

5. Inspire jealousy - If she has any interest she will likely get a bit jealous if she thinks you may be seeing someone else.

 

6. Make yourself interesting - If you don't have the time to chase her, you must be doing some interesting things. Girls are attracted to guys who are fun;

 

Your natural instinct will be to start pursuing her again. But don't do this under any circumstance.

 

Hope it works out well for you.

[opaleye]

Well it seems like you both really still care and respect each other if after 7 months she still thinks of you so fondly ( in my experience that time apart can make you end up disliking your ex by concentrating on their faults and letting your mind twist up memories).

 

Maybe she does want to get back together with you, she certainly still cares for you and cares what you think of her. Maybe she has just broken up with someone who she has dated for a couple of months and is now realising what she had with you. Maybe she was doing a self-help manual which required her to write people who she feels she has unfinished business with. It's a long shot I know but you know, stranger stuff has happened. I would do what TequilaSunrise suggested. Good luck!

[davecity]

i would tend to disagree.

 

in the letter she said she would call you soon. In my opinion you shouldn't call her because then you are giving her power again and showing that you still are very interested in her. Let her call you and make her sweat. This letter could just be a device to test the waters and if she really cares for you then she will call you.

 

dave

[BeachBummer]

I'm with Dave - she's feeling you out. By sending a letter saying she'll call soon she wants to see how you will react. I would wait for her to call. If after a week or so she hasn't, then go with Tequila's suggestion. It's all about power, and you give that up if you contact her back too quickly. Take it slow.

 

Of course, take all this with a grain of salt...you have to do what you feel is right based on your past...

[TequilaSunrise]

I didn't see the bit about how she would be contacted you again. Definately agree that you should now wait for the contact. Then do the rest as suggested.

[alphamale]

do what TEQUILASUNRISE said and follow it word-for-word. I would have said the exact same thing but this saved me a lot of typing.

 

TEQUILA, if I could buy you a beer I would do so.

[moon]

kodiak,

 

I think that's a sweet story. I think when somebody cheats on you, you do have a hard time trusting in the future. It is a different type of break up. People break up a lot for a number of reasons, but when it's from cheating or even worse the person goes off with the person they were cheating with it's incredible painful. I had a friend tell me recently, who had that happen to her ten years ago, that she doesn't think she's ever forgotten that deep pain that she went through or the hurt and betrayal. Of course she has moved on, but with much more caution when she enters into relationships. It sort of scars you for life. I've heard many say that. But I think there is hope for a happy relationship one day again....of course there's always hope!!!

 

But it sounds like this girl has some good intentions here. So I wouldn't torment yourself to death trying to overanalyze the situation. She's not sending you any sort of mixed signals into the type of person she thinks you are. She is leaving it kind of uncertain as to what could or would happen between you two. I think you should take some time to let this all digest. Did you get therapy or anything for your trust issues? Have you read some books on the subject or done anything to help alleviate those fears? I might try working on that if you haven't. It's likely that your trust issues (especially with the same girl) might re-invent themselves again. So work on yourself a bit....if you haven't already and if you have then give yourself a pat on the back.

 

Anyway, I just thought that was a nice story and I hope things work out for you two. I might wait for her to make the first move, if anything because she said she would. But seriously if you really love the girl and she didn't break up with you to run off with somebody else or she didn't treat you like dirt, but seems to generally respect you still to this day....then those are good ingredients for a reconciliation if it's really wanted by both parties. You might have to help give this a little bit of a knudge too. I'm not saying start calling her, but maybe a letter of thanks or something in the near future might help things along more. Good luck!!

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

thanks for all the advice, i will take it all into consideration before i do anything. I am going to wait for her to call me, besides i dont even have a new number for her yet. I figured if she does mean what she talked about in the card and she still has some sort of feelings for me then she will call. If not well who knows? I guess she wrote the letter just to get some closure or she was having a lonesome week. We will have to wait and see. I wrote a letter back to her just thanking her for the card. If she had no intentions behind it, it was a nice gesture anyways. It would seem weird that after 7 months she sends me something like this and there are no intentions but you never know.

 

moon- To answer your question yes i did get counseling towards the end of our relationship. I knew my insecurities from the past were screwing up my relationship with this amazing person. She knew this after we broke up because i was kinda afraid to tell her when i was with her. I wish i did but at the time I thought differently about it. Beleive me it took alot from me and i had to swallow my pride to go see somone so that i could get over my trust issues. I think she was amazed that the relationship meant that much to me that I went to go see a shrink. I talked to alot of girls that our close friends of mine and they all said that they would be honored if their bf went to talk to someone if they knew they had issues that caused problems. I will wait for her to contact me, if she does. I want her to comeback because she loves me and for no other reasons. I hope too that things work out for us because i know that I will not make the same mistakes this time around. I know this girl will always be my soulmate, but the questions is if im hers. I will keep you all posted. Thanks again for all the advice.....Kodiak

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Well its been awhile since i posted her about the letter i received from my ex back at the begginning of the month. Anyways i sent her the letter back on the 10th of february. In her letter she said all that stuff and that she would call me when she got her new phone and apoligized that she hasnt spoken to me recently. So i sent her this letter and i just kept it brief and basic but I havnt heard anythimg from her at all. No phone call yet. I had to send the letter to her old address and i know that it had to get forwarded to her new state. How long can that take. The post office said it can take sometime but im sure she got it by now. I guess im just writting because Im hurting. How could she write a letter like she did and just leave it with no response back. What do you all think is going on in her head? I mean unless she is totally crazy or drunk when she wrote the letter, it shows some kind of feelings in it. Read back to my first post if you dont remember what it all said.

So my friends please helpp me out here and tell me what you think is going on. Do you think she got the letter yet or what. How long can forwarding take, does anyone know? Let me know what you think is going on.......Thanks Kodiak

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Well its been awhile since i posted her about the letter i received from my ex back at the begginning of the month. Anyways i sent her the letter back on the 10th of february. In her letter she said all that stuff and that she would call me when she got her new phone and apoligized that she hasnt spoken to me recently. So i sent her this letter and i just kept it brief and basic but I havnt heard anythimg from her at all. No phone call yet. I had to send the letter to her old address and i know that it had to get forwarded to her new state. How long can that take. The post office said it can take sometime but im sure she got it by now. I guess im just writting because Im hurting. How could she write a letter like she did and just leave it with no response back. What do you all think is going on in her head? I mean unless she is totally crazy or drunk when she wrote the letter, it shows some kind of feelings in it. Read back to my first post if you dont remember what it all said.

So my friends please helpp me out here and tell me what you think is going on. Do you think she got the letter yet or what. How long can forwarding take, does anyone know? Let me know what you think is going on.......Thanks Kodiak

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Well its been awhile since i posted her about the letter i received from my ex back at the begginning of the month. Anyways i sent her the letter back on the 10th of february. In her letter she said all that stuff and that she would call me when she got her new phone and apoligized that she hasnt spoken to me recently. So i sent her this letter and i just kept it brief and basic but I havnt heard anythimg from her at all. No phone call yet. I had to send the letter to her old address and i know that it had to get forwarded to her new state. How long can that take. The post office said it can take sometime but im sure she got it by now. I guess im just writting because Im hurting. How could she write a letter like she did and just leave it with no response back. What do you all think is going on in her head? I mean unless she is totally crazy or drunk when she wrote the letter, it shows some kind of feelings in it. Read back to my first post if you dont remember what it all said.

So my friends please helpp me out here and tell me what you think is going on. Do you think she got the letter yet or what. How long can forwarding take, does anyone know? Let me know what you think is going on.......Thanks Kodiak

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Well its been about two weeks since i mailed out the letter i sent to my ex replying to the letter I got from her. If you dont remember what was all in the letter please read my first post again. Well so i sent out the letter to her old adress which i know then would have to get forwarded to her new place about 1500 miles from there. I dont know how long it takes to get a letter forwarded but im pretty sure she would have gotten it by now. In the letter she said that she would call me and apoligized that she hasnt spoken to me recently,etc.. I guess im just hurting because unless she is totally crazy or she was drunk the letter she sent me seem to have some type of feelings to it. I mean why else would she tells me those things that she did. So my friends please tell me what you think is goingon in her head. How long does it take a letter to get forwarded, does anyone know? Please help me out here, i haviung a hardtime understanding all this........Thanks kodiak

[keep yo head]

i sent a letter once, my friend moved and it got sent back to me 1 month later, it wasn't even forwarded to her new address?!?

[TequilaSunrise]

Hi kodiak

 

I reckon that 90% or more of break ups remain as break ups. Yeah it is nice to think that there is a second chance but usually there isn't. People don't end LTR lightly.

 

I have contacted exes I had broken up with for various reasons such as I was curious to know what they are up to if they had stopped contacting me completely. It is human nature to want to know what the other person is doing if you spent a few or more years with them. However, the contact doesn't mean anything. When you are the dumper you don't really see the contact as hurtful because you assume that the other person has moved on after a few months.

 

I suspect you ex just wanted to get matters off her chest that had been bothering her conscience. Also she was probably curious as to what you were up to. You can try and speculate what is in her mind until the cows come home but the most logical explanation is the above. It may not be what you want to hear but that is the reality.

 

Don't delude yourself that your letter didn't arrive. It did. As you satisfied her curiousity as to what you were up to and she got the matters of her chest that had been bothering her, there is probably no real reason for her to contact you just yet.

 

Even if I am totally wrong, there is nothing you can do but maintain the NC and move on. Whatever you do, don't go contacting her asking if she received your letter. You will look like a real desperado. If she didn't receive it, she will likely contact you again anyway as people don't like being ignored. If she did get it (which is 95% likely), the ball is in her court now.

 

It is less than a month that you sent the letter anyway. It is way way way too early to come to any assumptions. My guess is that she will contact you again in a month or two if you continue to go NC.

[strange love]

well dude

 

heres the deal

 

Im in a similar situation ..I guess.

 

First off, people dont tend to write letters when they are drunk.

 

If you really wanted to you go visit her whereever she is.. thats kind of romantic.

 

You could wait

 

or just call her.

 

She is miles away though you know..

 

certain times I call things a write off, when they get with someone else or they move away... So you can just wait

 

sucks i know.. waiting on someone

sometimes they wish to call but it never seems the right time.

 

its up to you..when it comes down to theres no wrong or right answers

 

S. L.

[kodiak]

Tequilasunrise-

 

Thank you for your reply. I know what you are saying about breakups and im sure my situation is no different. As much as i wish it wasnt the case because she is the only ex that i ever had that i would want a second chance with. I guess I will never know what her intentios are but it was just a weird letter. I dont know if you ever read my first post but I kinda talked about what she wrote. It wasnt like a letter just saying hello, but then again maybe she needed to get some stuff off her chest. I guess when a ex says the things that she did after seven months it kinda throws you for a loop. I could understand if it came a couple months after but seven months. I dont know, it kills me though, you know what I mean? My mom just says expect the worse, hope for the best and thats all i can do. Sure she might contact me but maybe not. Its hard when a ex tells you how much she realizies things now and how things remind her of me, you know? Anyways thanks again for the advice, I can use all that I can get..................Kodiak

[Urban Rubble01]

Hey kodiak, just dropping by to say hi. Hope you're feeling alright with things (It sucks that they keep closing our threads).

 

Keep strong, things with my ex are weird as well. In fact, I'm supposed to be going to talk to her in a couple of hours.

 

Later.

[kodiak]

Urban-

Thanks for saying hi, hope you are doing well. Good luck with the talk with your ex. Hope thngs go as you want them too.

[Urban Rubble01]

Yeah, things went alright. We're still doing the break thing. I guess things seem to be progressing fairly well. She still pledges love for me, still seems to care and still talks about "our" future together. We'll see what happens in a few months at the end of the school year, she says she'll be ready to work it out then.

 

PM me if you ever want to talk, it's a hassle keeping in touch with everyone from the other threads !

[Stringfellow]

Need Final Opinion from all on Love Shack!

 

 

Please tell me what you all think, I have posted this before, but as I take that final step to move forward I like to review where I have been so please tell me your opinions. I know I wont be as lucky as some of you on here who have your X contact you out of the blue, even though I still care for her I know i need to move on. So Here we go!

 

I met a gal who has the following past, she was married for 10 yrs, during the 9th year she started having an affair with a man who she still works with today. She and her first husband tried counseling but this woman who I will name Carla kept the affair going while trying to reconcile the marriage, needless to say they got divorced. The affair continued for another year until the man she was having the affair with dumped her. She met a man a week later and they were married 1 month later.

 

That marriage lasted 5 yrs, she said all he did was yell at her for no reason, (I have to wonder what role she played in it but never the less) they got divorced. Three months later her and I met, she had dated a few men between that time before we met.

 

We went out several times and the she cut it off. We started seeing each other 3 months later, things were awesome so during month # 5, I asked her to marry me and we could set the date for a year or so later. I asked her to marry me and she accepted, she left town for a business trip (with the man that she had the affair with in the past because they still work together), I was in heaven, upon her return she said that she did not want to get married, I asked why did you say yes then, her answer was "I just wanted to make you feel good while I was out of town on business" Most folks I have talked to said that was cruel and even some say emotional abuse. I did tell her that I wont ask her again so if she wanted to get married to me that she would have to ask me next time. She said OK, and that is where we left it.

 

Her Dad would say to her looks like you are headed towards #3 (referring to marriage # 3) and she would say with me standing there, "No I am not Daddy, I am never getting married again, she knew that I wanted to get married, she was telling him this after I had already proposed to her.

 

I never stopped dating her hoping that someday she might change her mind but I NEVER let her know how bad she hurt me. My feelings of being secure in the relationship started to suffer, (which I was told would be a natural response), I was looking for reassurance and sometimes she would give it and sometimes she would not and when she would not we would get into arguments which was about once a month.

 

Then month 6 rolls around and until now we had been seeing each other pretty regularly, she then says "I love you but I only want to see you on the weekends" I tried for a compromise of 1 more day during the week and she said no, that in this case she wanted to have her cake and eat it to.

 

We went to see a minister and he told her that he could see why I was confused that if you love someone then you want to be with them as much as you can. So she said "well I guess I can give him what he needs and see him one day during the week" She also told him while I was sitting there that I was the most kind, gentle, most caring man she had ever met and that she knows that she will never meet a better man than me. When we left the meeting she told me she was going to show me what love really was.

 

Two weeks later we are broke up, she said that I tried to come between her and her family. During the fifth month of dating her brother-in-law who is a alcoholic and drug addict drove home drunk and high and drove his truck through the garage door, smashing stuff inside, he went into the house broke a TV, punched holes in wall and so on. It was after that event that I gave Carla and her parents information on intervention, (I grew up in that environment and could see what direction the brother-in-law was headed) after hearing her Dad say one day that if he ever hurt the daughter (Carla’s sister) or the grand kids that he would take a gun an shoot that SOB.

 

Two months later he does the same type of things, this time he ends up in jail and is facing prison charges. I asked her did the family look into the info I gave you on intervention, she said no and I asked why not, What I got from her was, "WELL I GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT AND WE WERE WRONG, I said that is not the point, the point is that I came from that environment and I could see what direction it was headed, if they had looked into the info that the brother-in-law might not be in jail and facing prison time, again I got "YOU WERE RIGHT AND WE WERE WRONG, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME", I asked this question, “if you blow me off about something like this when I have had experience in it what else are you blowing me off about. We were in a argument at this point and it was around mid-night and I said lets just go to bed and talk about this in the morning. She said that she was not going to take off work just to sit and argue with me. I asked her at that point what would she take off work for. I asked if she would take off if her kids were sick and they were vomiting, (her kids are 12 and 14) she said no, that she would only take off if they were vomiting violently but otherwise she would go to work.

 

I was always a gentleman to her and her family, I treated her kids well, I helped around the house by cleaning, doing laundry, fixing things, cleaning the toilets, giving the dog a bath, mowing the yard, cleaning the whole house and various other things. I did these things to show her that I cared for her and loved her. I had flowers sent to her office about once a month, I took her flowers home about once a week, I bought her cards, I left her love notes in her car, in the shower, in her purse, I would send her emails during the day to tell her I was thinking about her, and that I loved her, I would call the radio station in her town to have songs dedicated to her and other things as well.

 

She works for her Mom and her Mom will say things that hurt Carla’s feelings, her Mom also runs Carla in her personal life, Carla cant tell her Mom no. If her Mom tells her to do something Carla does it, I asked her why and she said that she cant tell her Mom no, that her Mom (who is like 61 with no health problems) wont be around much longer and it would be disrespectful to tell her no.

 

She told my girls ages 11 and 13 that she loved them, and they asked me when it was over how could she love us dad, she never sat down to talk with us, she never took the time to know who we are, she never played with us. When we broke up my girls were hurt.

 

 

We dated for about 7 months, I live about 65 miles away from her, and each day after work I would head to her place. Sometimes I would have to work late, not arriving at her place till 9:30, just in time to go to bed so I could be up at 5:50 am so I could make the 1.25 hour drive to work. She would call me and say, "if you are too tired to drive here you can just stay in town". I would make the drive anyway so I could spend time with her. Not once did she make the drive to my place, she did not suggest taking her kids to her moms who only lives 2 blocks away and coming to my place so I would not have to make the late night drive. Seven months and not one time did she make the drive she has a new car so that would not be an excuse.

 

In defense of her she did buy me some clothes and dinner on several occasions. She also bought me flowers a couple times and a couple of cards.

 

I was getting a lot of mixed signals, I tried to get her to go to counseling with me, she said she would set up an appointment on several occasions, but she never did.

 

Her sister and brother-in-law are both deaf, she told me she would teach me to talk to them using sign language, she never did, I asked her to several times and she would say she would but she never took the time to do so. So she would talk to them and I would not have a clue to what they were saying.

 

So tell me, was this relationship doomed from the beginning, she has never sought help for her past, I asked her to seek help because she was being eaten up by her secret of the affair and she told me how much it bothered her, and she is so afraid that the kids will find out and then not love her anymore.

 

When we first started dating and for the first 3 months of dating her second X husband worked for her, and she would have issues with him because he was angry I was in her life, which made me feel insecure knowing that he was working with her and she was working with the man she had her affair with.

 

Does she sound like a woman still wanting the affair because she has not gotten away from this man at work, and she takes business trips alone with him.

 

Did I have the right to feel insecure in this relationship?

 

Did I do something wrong by suggesting intervention for the brother-in-law?

 

Where did I go wrong?

[Cade]

Bit of advice fo ya man, this thread is about Kodiak's problem. Judging by the lenght of your post I would suggest you start your own thread..

[clynn]

Kodiak...I hope you're doing okay.

 

I don't think it is fare for someone to write a letter like she did and then not contact you.

 

So, if it makes you feel better be angry at her for that.

 

Cuz it is UNFAIR ---- really really UNFAIR for her to have done that to you.

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Its been a while since i have posted here. Well since the letter i have no received a word from her. She said that she would call and was sorry that she hasnt spoken with me lately. its been about two and half months now and no word. I guess she was just feeling lonely or it made her feel better by writting that letter to me. who knows? For all of you who hasnt read this post please go to the beggining and maybe you can give me some advice. As nice as it was to get a letter from her i wish it never arrived. It has been almost 10 months and i still miss her so much and think of her. I fia gured she doesnt care anymore because she never called but im hurting. I wrote a letter back to her but who knows if she ever got it. I know that if i never received that letter im sure i would be feeling alot better right now. Anyways if anyone can shed some light to me it is greatly appreciated. Hope you all are doing great..................kodiak

[clynn]

Yuck Yuck Yuck!!!!

 

That was really unfair of her!

 

i wish she hadn't done that to you.

 

I guess if anything ever does arrive in the future you could leave it sealed (or steam it open if you must read it!)...........and then send it right back RETURN TO SENDER.

 

 

..........But that is worthless advice because you need support getting past the feelings that gave you some hope, which she did with her letter. Arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! That makes me so mad!

 

I guess try to go back to how you were feeling before she sent the letter and then thing HOW SELFISH it was of her to send that letter off just because she was feeling a little bit Lonely. you're soooooooooooo much better than that!

 

You don't need anyone that selfish, you're better off without her!