Unusually intense gay-straight friendship

[jnr586]

Hi all,

 

I posted about this guy in the friendship forum a few days ago. I'll try to summarize succinctly.

 

I am a 31-year-old guy, recently out of a heterosexual relationship and am just now beginning to accept that I am gay. I met my friend (Ted) about a year ago. We were both fairly new to town (he was only to be living in our city for 10 months) and didn't have many friends. Ted is 4 years younger than me. We met through work, clicked very quickly, and began hanging out a lot. It was like we had been best friends our whole lives. We could talk about anything and we could talk for hours. Our friendship became quite trusting and intimate early on. We were frequently teased about our friendship by coworkers; the term bromance has been used uncountable times. At the time, I had a long-distance girlfriend and he was living with his girlfriend.

 

With time, I developed feelings for Ted and realized that I was falling in love with him. This was the catalyst for the end of my relationship with my girlfriend and, ultimately, my decision to start coming out... accepting that I have never really been happy with women. I never got homosexual vibes from Ted. However, since I have known him he has been very lukewarm about his girlfriend. He doesn't cheat on her, but he is quite detached and disinterested. He talks about finding other girls attractive frequently, but his detachment compounded with the intensity of our friendship made me curious as to whether he could harbor or develop romantic feelings for me.

 

Ted moved away in December and started an extremely busy job in January. I don't want to get into our professions, but he works 100+ hours a week. Despite this we have stayed in very close touch and talk (at least by text) nearly every day. While we didn't talk by phone initially, more recently we talk on the phone 2-3 times a week, for about an hour at a time. Since we have similar jobs (I just don't work nearly as much0 we talk a lot about our jobs but also some pretty personal stuff. Ted's new city is 5 hours away; I have been to visit him twice. Last time was a few weeks ago; his girlfriend was visiting but he invited me anyway. We all went out and got drunk; Ted and I were teased by his girlfriend and another one or our friends for just being two peas in a pod and how much we loved each other (if she only knew!).

 

Anyway, with the end of my relationship about a month ago, my curiosity about Ted has been mounting. I am out to <5 people at this point, but I came out to Ted a few days ago. I said nothing about my feelings for him, only that I had realized I was gay and that I hope it didn't change the way he felt about me as a friend. I had sent all this by letter because I was just too terrified to talk about it on the phone. He was supportive from the get-go but didn't talk on the phone until three days later. When we talked then, the first thing he said is that he doesn't think things will work out with his girlfriend (before we talked about my newly disclosed homosexuality). He has been up and down with her a lot, but this seemed like the most serious he has been. He said he just doesn't like things about her and it's hard to break up because there's not one good reason, just that he isn't into it and that he thinks about dating other girls. They have been together for nearly two years and their relationship is long-distance with him recent move.

 

This isn't the first time we have had this conversation. I told him that he deserves to be with someone who makes him unbelievably happy and he shouldn't have any doubts (let alone being riddled with doubt). Ultimately, I asked him if he is in love with her. His reply was "...yeah... I mean, I think so... that isn't too convincing, is it?". He went on to say that, with the exception of maybe his first girlfriend (who cheated on him several times), he has never really been in love with any of his girlfriends. They just seemed to fit some sort of circumstance. Regarding things we have talked about, he once told me that in finding a partner "we can't aim for perfect, just tolerable".

 

We also talked about my coming out on the phone. He was really wonderful and his reaction was so much better than I had expected. He was just very kind and supportive like any friend should be. He told me he wanted to make sure I knew that, because I asked him to tell nobody, he would not tell his girlfriend (who is a current coworker of mine). I figured it was implicit and he figured it was too but he wanted to make sure I knew that there was no doubt that he would keep quiet. He said that he valued our friendship so much.

 

Of the things we talk about and that I've observed, he is close to his family and he has a lot of friends (both male and female), but on a romantic level he seems to have trouble connecting and I know he worries about ending up alone. I think at times he feels like a loner even though he's a very well-liked person. In many ways, I have the same problems. Yet the two of us connected so deeply and so rapidly.

 

You can see where I am going with this. There are not many clues that he is gay/bi based on our physical interactions, but then again we barely get to see each other anymore. I just think the intensity of our friendship is a little unusual given our age and given the length of time we have known each other. I think we are both at least a little lonely in our current cities. He is certainly the antidote to my loneliness; and as much as he calls me, I feel like I must lessen his as well. In my mind, we are perfect for each other.

 

I am happy that he knows I am gay. Is it possible that he could have feelings for me? I know I can't ask outright, but I really love this guy. Some days I think he just has to be gay; other days I think I am crazy. As busy as he is with work, I'm worried that he doesn't even have the downtime to process these feelings in the way that I am.

 

Ultimately I'd like to find a life partner (hopefully sooner than later), but I'd like to explore that with him first and I don't want the weirdness of sexuality and our own awareness of it to cause us to miss each other.

 

That was really long. If you got this far, thank you for reading. I'd love to hear any thoughts.

Edited May 10, 2014 by jnr586

[jnr586]

Any thoughts?

[okc85]

Why can't you tell him how you feel? You might risk losing the friendship, or you might find out he feels the same way but is too scared to admit it. Or..he might say he's straight, but appreciates how you feel, but you can only be friends.

 

I dunno. I'd say go for it and tell him how you feel. It'll be better than wondering for the rest of your life 'what if'

[jnr586]

Thanks OKC.... I hadn't visited in a few days, but I have actually been thinking the same thing. It is agonizing to think about him constantly, so I may have to tell him. I feel strange doing that while he has a girlfriend... but I'm starting to think about it which means it will probably happen eventually. I will hopefully see him at some point in the next few weeks and I can feel out if our chemistry has changed one way or another and decide from there...

[Haydn]

I think if he is not gay you are going to be feeling low and i mean just from the way you talked about him. Probably best to let him decide if and when he wants to tell you. Good luck.

[jnr586]

Thanks Haydn. If you had to be a betting man, would you be betting on him being interested or not? Just wondering....

[Haydn]

I reckon you might be in luck but i am going on what you have said about your friendship. It might just be a blindingly good friendship that you have. That is still very positive to have such a good friend. If he is not then i am sure you will temper your attraction in a beneficial way.

[jnr586]

I have tried to give a fairly unbiased account, so it's nice to hear you say that, but I also don't want to get my hopes up. If I tell him it won't be for a while- I need to think about it VERY carefully... I'll keep you posted... any other input is ALWAYS welcome. Thank you!

[preraph]

I would just say that just because he's lukewarm about his girlfriend and always looking at other women certainly is no sign he's gay. It's a sign he's a man in his twenties. I would think that if he were bi, he'd have picked this up about you a long time ago and then if he had feelings for you that way, things would have come together before now. He could be bi but still not be attracted to your type. But if he's in his twenties and looking at women, he's probably just heterosexual. You could always ask him in a lighter moment. You could say something like, Well, I was attracted to a girl once in high school. Have you ever been attracted to a guy? Keep it light and not serious and anxiety ridden and you'll get your answer. But then whatever the answer is, accept that.