Dating someone who is extremely jealous/insecure

[Aveenolover]

I've been dating a guy for a few months now (on an off for a year, though) and I've Never cheated on any man, I dont flirt behind their backs, I always let them know what I'm doing and generally go out of my way to not do anything that they wouldn't like.

 

Anyway, all this week he has been grilling me like crazy. First asking me who all I text. I have a few guy friends, no one that I hang out with, but some that i talk to occasionally via text. None of them i've ever done anything with and thats all they are, are guy friends. When he first asked me the question, i told him i talked to them every few months. And then today he asked me again, and its like, i dunno. Yeah, i talk to them every few months, but sometimes i'll talk to them multiple times a month, like it changes. On and off. they arent my best friends but we all still kinda keep in contact and occasionally talk more than normal, and other times less than normal. Am i wrong for that???

 

SO he goes off on me for changing my answer, says its suspicious, essentially calls me a cheater and a liar..then continues grilling me about other things. I know its not right. I've never had a man grill me like he does and not trust me. I've never done anything to prove i wasnt trustworthy.

 

And yes, i know the obvious choice is to run and leave him, because its not fair for me, but ....will he just stop and trust me eventually? Has anyone else been in this same position, but HIM and realized they were treating their gf unfairly and stopped?

[mrs rubble]

Is he as open as you are with his ineractions with other women? They say that when unjustified accusations are made, the accuser has something to hide themselves. Or has he been cheated on before?

Work out firstly why he's doing this. Then you'll be able to work out how to deal with it.

[luvshaq]

He has some serious self esteem issues. I mentioned in my own post about how jealousy and insecurity is a turn off. If he's that jealousy, it means he's selfish. He loves you because you make HIM feel good about himself.

 

 

You should get out now, before things go from insecurity to violence. My ex would kick me in the balls on the spot anytime she "thought" I was flirting or looking at another woman. After so long, I finally said enough was enough.

[ExpatInItaly]

I've been dating a guy for a few months now (on an off for a year, though) and I've Never cheated on any man, I dont flirt behind their backs, I always let them know what I'm doing and generally go out of my way to not do anything that they wouldn't like.

 

Anyway, all this week he has been grilling me like crazy. First asking me who all I text. I have a few guy friends, no one that I hang out with, but some that i talk to occasionally via text. None of them i've ever done anything with and thats all they are, are guy friends. When he first asked me the question, i told him i talked to them every few months. And then today he asked me again, and its like, i dunno. Yeah, i talk to them every few months, but sometimes i'll talk to them multiple times a month, like it changes. On and off. they arent my best friends but we all still kinda keep in contact and occasionally talk more than normal, and other times less than normal. Am i wrong for that???

 

SO he goes off on me for changing my answer, says its suspicious, essentially calls me a cheater and a liar..then continues grilling me about other things. I know its not right. I've never had a man grill me like he does and not trust me. I've never done anything to prove i wasnt trustworthy.

 

And yes, i know the obvious choice is to run and leave him, because its not fair for me, but ....will he just stop and trust me eventually? Has anyone else been in this same position, but HIM and realized they were treating their gf unfairly and stopped?

 

OP, I could've written your post. And I know exactly what you're feeling and how damn frustrating it is!

 

I dated a man just like for about a year. It started out with grilling and suspicion. Every time I tried to clarify, I was accused of lying and acting suspiciously too. It didn't matter how innocent it was, or which detail I may have tried to explain, I was always the bad guy. And let me tell you, it got much worse. I could never convince him that he had the paranoia and jealousy problems. Like you, I was actually clean as a whistle and he had absolutely no cause for concern. I barely had any male friends anyway.

 

He won't just stop. That type of jealousy and suspicion is something that existed in him for a long time, more than likely. It won't just suddenly disappear. He will find other reasons to justify his jealousy and insecurity and you will be under constant scrutiny. In my case, he turned into an absolute emotional and verbal abuser and it ended when he got physically aggressive with me.

 

I'm not necessarily saying that your boyfriend will do the same. Certainly my experience is not the standard pattern of behaviour. But I'm telling you this to caution you to be on the lookout for warning signs. His jealous and controlling behaviour is a major one. It won't get better unless and until he acknowledges that he indeed has a problem and seeks treatment for it. I would advise you to think long and very hard about whether it's worth it.

 

PM me if you like. I'd be happy to answer any more of your questions!

[Aveenolover]

Thanks everyone for the input. I've been thinking it over a lot and told him today we should just stop talking if all he is going to do is grill me 24/7. We'll see how things go...

[firmness]

From a man's perspective, we get hammered our entire lives being told that men are pigs and dogs and only want one thing. Be a good decent person, but deep down girls really want bad boys. "if he wants to be with you, he will find a way," "cheating is an absolute deal breaker" etc.

 

So we learn over time, to balance these things in a way that makes sense to us. Women ask us to be open - we should be open about our Facebook accounts, passwords, and cell phones - otherwise something is fishy. "Where there is smoke there is fire" and "trust your instincts"

 

So when we date someone who is holding back in any of these ways, it can feel deeply unjust. It is a modern day double standard in favor of women - if we let it be.

 

Jealousy is hard to control - but it comes from somewhere. My rule is this: If I feel jealous there is a big problem. Period. If it is for no reason, then I am screwed up in the head and need to move on. If it is because of her (signals, lack of commitment, shady behavior, etc) then SHE is screwed up and I need to move on.

 

Jealousy in itself has become a deal breaker for me. But in this case it could be because of the signals he is getting. You should move on for the reasons I just gave. This rarely works out.