Boyfriend work stress

[Els]

Honestly, I still don't get what this 'wound' is that he is nursing, to the extent of not wanting you to come visit. Does he really think that, in the miscommunication, you did him a huge wrong and that it warrants such a huge reaction as he is giving it? It sounds slightly immature to me.

 

I think you should just try your darndest to stop thinking about him or worrying about him, and focusing on removing your barriers to employment. Stop apologizing and trying to make him feel better.

[Rainbowx]

A little backstory on him:

 

He's 31 and he's very professionally developed, but not emotionally. He's told me he's always had bad experiences with women and the initial dating scene when he hasn't done anything wrong and he isn't a creep, just found everyone he was getting to know had qualities he didn't like, and then one really wronged him several years ago and he decided he was through with dating. His family kept trying to nag and push him into dating but he just didn't want to do it. No one was "good enough". Until he met me... and there was no way he was letting me get away.

 

I had everything he wanted in a person except that I wasn't working. I've just been going through a huge recovery stage of depression and anxiety, I've made incredible progress and I'm so proud of myself. This is besides the point though.

 

The reasons that he dumped me were as follows:

 

- I've been back from America for four months and all I have to show for it is that I volunteer weekly at the SPCA and *maybe* a forklift license. (Never mind the fact that I've been working my ass off day in day out totally OBSESSING about trying to get a job. I live in a small town with not a lot of employment opportunities (much less ones I can actually get) so I was taking it step by step to remove barriers as I got more frustrated and time passed. I couldn't just remove barriers and hunt for work because so much time and mental exhaustion was put into finding jobs in the first place, and going through the government system of ... wait 11 days for this meeting, wait two weeks for that meeting ... wait 6 days for this doctor appointment ... wait three weeks for this training ... wait 15 days for this meeting to get that referral to start XYZ training and so on. So it was at the point where I'm taking action to get driving lessons and then the big city 30 minutes over where there's LOTS of jobs including ones that require the driver's license I'm about to get... so I was so close to actual having lucrative employment options... and this is his big achilles' heel in the relationship.)

 

- I hurt him by needing verbal affection when he has already been giving it.

(Not a lot, not the kind I need a lot of the time. He says I look nice but I really need to feel loved, as in loving words. This is a long distance relationship most of the time so the physical just isn't available right now. It's hard enough on him and he was stressed out about his new job. He felt like nothing he did for me was good enough which is NOT TRUE. I understand the fact that I was needy and I understand why and I placed it on him wrongly. I'm looking for other people and things to make me happy and keep me fulfilled and if it wasn't for this break-up situation I wouldn't have learned that so yay I'm a much better person for it now (well learning to be and the progress feels great ) but this caused him so much stress that he felt emotionally screwed for several days after, and then got to the point where he wasn't really responding to me when I asked when we could talk, when he's always communicative. I wasn't myself that day because I'd had a possible break-up hanging over my head for several days and the communication just wasn't there. I was sick with uncertainty. So this thing really bothered/hurt him that I was so pushy and reminded him of his past and pushed him away.. and was the straw that broke the camel's back in his words. But I wasn't being me. This isn't who I am. =[ I think he's scared that this was what I'm becoming or something? I don't know.)

 

- I opened up to him last week about something stupid I did when I was 14 that I sorely regret and feel like a scumbag for (stealing from a family member and getting away with it, they never found out. I've never done anything else wrong in my life but just that one thing. I don't know why I did it and I feel horrible about it and it's haunted me to this day. It was my grandfather and he's already constantly harsh enough on my mother and already acts as though my sister doesn't exist and it would break our family up if I told him now. Again I sorely regret what I did and have repent for it in my mind a millionfold I'd say... and I vowed to be the best person I could possibly be to make it up to the world anyways.)

 

- I've been wanting to go to the gym and exercise properly and I talk about it a lot but I never actually do it. (I mean never mind the fact that I'm full time obsessing about work and ya I could put aside some time to do it, totally guilty. But then I actually started doing it one day and he said girl who cried wolf and it really hurt me. I want to do it for my happiness and wellbeing and it has nothing to do with physical appearance and he feels the same way.)

 

 

There are a couple more reasons that will have you thinking ummmm....wut., but I'm talking too much and just want to move on. He's nitpicky because people can find so many more things that annoy them about their partners, I think he's trying to talk himself out of happiness with anyone because of his bad experiences with women and this is unfairly projected onto me.

 

He's a lovely guy and I couldn't believe he was a virgin when I met him. Obviously there were a couple of red flags when I first met him in person and I decided to proceed to get to know him better anyway. I did show him that maybe women can be sincere and genuine after all, but now the problems have come out (obviously, this generally happens at this point and you work through them or decide dealbreaker).

 

So he was in the process of breaking up with me and it was obvious he still loved me. He had been talking to other people nonspecifically about his issues with me and I assume he was at least fair about it and had negative responses from everyone... yet I talk to people about my problem who can see how hard I've been working and they all think it's ridiculous and he's messed up for it, except for one friend who tries to be as unbiased as possible to see both sides. I totally do see his side and there's some things I can change and some things I cannot.

 

So err yeah he was in the process of breaking up, obvious he still loves me and he was even crying and I asked him to give me a month. Which is a ridiculously short amount of time in the grand scheme of things and I'm not sure I can even get it all done then. Pretty sure I can't. He said he only decided to try and make this work since I offered a month, which feels crappy and conditional but he doesn't want a relationship that is just a fantasy either and when some things get pushed back a little longer it hurts him. So it's totally understandable that he would feel that way and I understand. He just doesn't want to get hurt. I can see things from both sides. I'm doing all I can to make this better.

 

He wants to feel better about us before saying yes to me coming to see him again. But that isn't stopping him from coming to see me in a few months when things start to feel better since he's in a way better financial position.

 

I'm so hard on myself because I'm trying to own my mistakes and become a better person for them. If they were so ridiculous that it seemed controlling I'd just move on from him, but as far as the situation it is somewhat understandable so I'm trying hard. It's just how much harder can I possibly try? He's unsure what he wants now all of a sudden and I'm not sure if he's waiting for me to get a job for him to feel better about all this or what. He still wants to spend time with me every day but it's not relationshippy any more. When he says good night he does still say "See you later Lovely" (my pet name) but no longer says he loves me. Last night he said that before he ended the call and looked at me in such a loving way before he ended it. He also said he'd like to see me later this year as his girlfriend but friend in worst case (unrealistic) which again pushes me. I have kept my mouth shut to not add any more pressure onto him while he figures things out in his own mind. It hurts me a lot and I don't know how long I can do this. I'm being pushed away because even though we're back together now there's a doomsday clock over my head + he's unsure about his feelings and "just needs time" even though it's still quite obvious he loves me. I've given him opportunities for space if he wants it and he hasn't really taken it.

 

I'm still the same girl that he fell in love with and I'm worried he may have felt for a week or so that I could be changing for the worse, when I just lost myself under his work stress and snapped with the possible break-up over my head for several days which is totally unfair.

 

You're right I can finally focus on these things for me, so even if we don't work out I'm far more in a better position to live my life and it will feel awesome! I had so much more in my head to type out but I've already said too much and typing letters way too fast in this browser window I can see them lagging onto my screen so that's a telling sign I should probably stop for now. =P

 

Thank you for your responses thus far I really appreciate the support.

Edited May 15, 2014 by Rainbowx

[Rainbowx]

I just called every freaking franchise in my area and asked if they're hiring. Chances are I'm going to have a job and I'm really excited and he just came home, called me and I shared all this with him. He seems happy and then I asked him if he'll feel better when I have the job "because I have a doomsday timer!" (he replied "mmmhmm!") but in regards to the question he said "I don't know. I feel strange in a weird way."

 

He's playing his video game again and he seems happy playing it and I'm trying to be really happy and I'm smiling but under it all I just want to scream and cry because I don't know what's going on. He asks me about my day and questions about things I do and seems to want to be around me but feels weird and still needs time and "doesn't know".

 

I don't know what to do other than move forward with myself right now.

[Frank2thepoint]

You are being very hard on yourself. Searching for a job, especially in a bad market, or slow economy, is no easy task. But you are dedicated to it. Also you are taking a lot of blame on yourself that you shouldn't even be doing. There are two people in the relationship, and your boyfriend isn't being forthcoming with his feelings. Him acting wounded is something that he needs to look into, because it's not healthy. He seems to keep assuming the worst about relationships, which is very negative.

 

And this talk of a doomsday timer, isn't conducive to a healthy outlook.

 

I just called every freaking franchise in my area and asked if they're hiring. Chances are I'm going to have a job and I'm really excited and he just came home, called me and I shared all this with him. He seems happy and then I asked him if he'll feel better when I have the job "because I have a doomsday timer!" (he replied "mmmhmm!") but in regards to the question he said "I don't know. I feel strange in a weird way."

 

He's playing his video game again and he seems happy playing it and I'm trying to be really happy and I'm smiling but under it all I just want to scream and cry because I don't know what's going on. He asks me about my day and questions about things I do and seems to want to be around me but feels weird and still needs time and "doesn't know".

 

I don't know what to do other than move forward with myself right now.

 

Congratulations on finding a job. You should definitely just move forward with yourself right now. It's unfortunate he isn't being emotionally supportive nor excited for you. His uncertainty does not bode well for the relationship, and a clear sign that he is checking out of it.

[Rainbowx]

There's a possibility of it, but I'm not so sure. I'll just give him time and see what happens. Least it's looking extremely likely that I'm going to have full time work! I'm in such a good position at home where if I have a full time job the money will be rolling in $_$

 

Guys can shut down or check out and I read somewhere last night that it's normal for some people to just feel weird for a while after a huge significant bad fight/whatever happens in a relationship. He initiated the split and then decided he wanted to try and make it work. We've spent every night together since and it's been positive but he just feels weird. I shall just give him time and if it works out it was meant to be and if not I'm in a really good position in my life anyways and will just start my Bachelor of Veterinary Science in Feb 2015 with a lottttt of money to back me. =]

Edited May 17, 2014 by Rainbowx

[Els]

I shall just give him time and if it works out it was meant to be and if not I'm in a really good position in my life anyways and will just start my Bachelor of Veterinary Science in Feb 2015 with a lottttt of money to back me. =]

 

Sounds like a good way to be thinking. All the best!

[Frank2thepoint]

There's a possibility of it, but I'm not so sure. I'll just give him time and see what happens. Least it's looking extremely likely that I'm going to have full time work! I'm in such a good position at home where if I have a full time job the money will be rolling in $_$

 

Guys can shut down or check out and I read somewhere last night that it's normal for some people to just feel weird for a while after a huge significant bad fight/whatever happens in a relationship. He initiated the split and then decided he wanted to try and make it work. We've spent every night together since and it's been positive but he just feels weird. I shall just give him time and if it works out it was meant to be and if not I'm in a really good position in my life anyways and will just start my Bachelor of Veterinary Science in Feb 2015 with a lottttt of money to back me. =]

 

Everyone feels weird, hurt, or angry after a bad argument. But healthy couples don't jump to being on and off, and having one person be hesitant about the relationship. That's some push-pull, indecisive crap. But this is just my opinion and my perspective. Since you are on your way to getting a full time job, focus on that for now. You can put in your time with your boyfriend as well, but be wary of him continuing this trend of feeling weird for several weeks or months.